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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh just told me he is thinking of leaving

260 replies

feelingvunerable · 14/01/2012 23:16

I have name changed for this.
Just looking for advice and help really.
I've been with dh for more than 20 years. We have 3 dcs together, 2 teenagers one 9 year old, they are all still at school.
I have sensed that dh has been off it and distant for want of a better phrase for at least the past week, possibly more. Anyway yesterday he said that he needed to speak to me but due to rushing around with kids activities and him going out he never did. When he came home last night he said that he felt ill and ended up sleeping in our ds bed. Ds got in with me. Previously in the week he said that because I had been talking in my sleep and had consequently woken him up 3 times he felt he should sleep in one of the kids beds and let them sleep with me. He does get up early for work and was tired he said.

After a busy day today, spend seperately but this is down to the kids activities, he announced that he was going out. I was a tad disappointed as I wanted us to maybe spend time together in the house relaxing and I had told him that I was cooking a nice meal.
When I left this morning he had gone back to bed saying he felt ill.

I asked him what he had wanted to speak about and he announced that he isn't happy and is thinking of leaving. He said that he wont talk about it in front of the kids and will take tomorrow.

I really don't know what to do.
I am aware that sexually he is feeling unsatisfied but I was hoping to try and make amends tonight now I don't think he will come near me when he gets back in.
He also said that it is other things as well.
I think by this he means the house isn't tidy enough.
I have been trying to make sure the house is really spik and span and that his dinner is on the table.
However it is bloody hard work with 3 untidy kids!

I do think deep down that he expects me to do the vast majority of the housework, even though I have always made it clear that I am not his maid.
He grew up in a household where his father did none of the domestic chores, only traditional "male jobs".
I have never seen his dad make his own cup off tea!
From the start I toldd him that if he ever turned into his dad I would leave so he knows the score.

I am so scared and am trying to keep it all in.
I know he went to see a single friend a few days ago and I think he might have made enquiries about staying with him (I am only guessing here).
The ironic thing is several friends have recently commented on how happy we seem.
He has said there is noone else.
Btw I work and cook , clean, do all the gardening ,ferry the kids around. I do look after myself but feel like shit now.

OP posts:
romneymarsh · 17/01/2012 13:12

Been lurking on your thread, I hope everything is ok with you and that the lack of posting isnt because your life has just been thrown a very curved ball. Thinking of you.

yashie · 17/01/2012 13:16

Same as above, hoping you're ok x

ImpatientOne · 17/01/2012 16:00

Really hope all ok with OP XX

jen127 · 17/01/2012 19:25

Have been following this in the background I hope your ok OP ! xx

Original poster
feelingvunerable · 17/01/2012 23:59

Hi
Couldn't post earlier as dd has been ill throughout last night and today.
The update is this:
We had our talk.
Dh admitted that he had been feeling fed up. He said that he felt that I had lost interest in him sexually, that the house was getting him down, and that I had been shouting a lot recently at the kids.
I agreed with point 1 and we had a long chat about how we will both make more of an effort that way.
I told him that I had to feel loved and wanted and he said straight away that he wanted us to spend more time together doing things together rather than seperately. He said he had arranged for us to go out with friends soon to see a band for their birthday. He knows that he likes the band more than me and said he would be prepared to go and see another band if I preferred. I said no, we should see the original band.

We also discussed going to the cinema- a no from him!
The theatre- a definately from him.
DH joining my gym- a possible from him.

As for the housework I pointed out how much I actually do. He seems very surprise tbh.
I also said calmly that as I do more than 50% of the housework (much more in reality) and there are 5 of us in the house, then I won't be doing any more than I already do. He pointed out what he did then I pointed out what I do and I think the message sunk in. I did say it would be nice for me to live in a lovely immaculate house too but who exactly is going to do it?

I again said that just because he grew up in a house where his mother did absolutely everything it doesn't mean that I will. I reminded him that he knew from the start that I am no maid.
he did make a strange comment about how I can't expect our SON to iron surely.
I said er yes actually I do but realise that I will have to work on the subject of kids and housework.

I asked him whether me shouting at the kids is related to housework as I know I have been on edge, caused by his behaviour and that everyday I tidy up after the kids whilst he is at work, rather than leave it for him to come home to a messy house. He started to disagree and I cast my eye across the room where low and behold dd had covered the 2 seater entirely with her stuff. Again I really don't think he had realised.
Tonight dd had left her stuff lying about,again and he came in and moved it without commenting, previously I would have been following her round telling her to move it but doing it myself to keep the status quo.

He has booked a weeks holiday when we are all off and has said he wants us all to go away for at least part of it.

He has also said he wants us to have a refurbishment in our bedroom, again I am all for that.

When I asked if he had gone to his friends last week to ask if he could stay there he admitted he had.
I said I really didn't think he should be seeking advice from a man who has never been married. His reply was that he hadn't gone to seek advice he just needed someone to talk to.
He then said that actually the best advice he had received was from another friend who is married who told him, the grass is not always greener on the other side and sometimes you have to put up with things.

The passbook came back and I checked fb, nothing interesting on it and he hasn't changed his password.
His diary was under it and I think he took them both into work to book the holiday.

I queried him about leaving and he said it was just a thought that had gone through his mind as he was trying to figure things out.

I am starting to feel much better now as the stress has caused me to have a permanent headache. We both know that we will have to work on things but at least we are both prepared to make it work.

Sorry for the long post and thanks for all your replies.

OP posts:
yelnats · 18/01/2012 00:10

Good to hear from you OP and glad everything worked out well :-) been thinking of you lots. Fingers crossed you can both work at it and make things better for you all Smile

ThePinkPussycat · 18/01/2012 00:16

This sounds very promising So glad for you both Smile

momnipotent · 18/01/2012 00:21

All sounds very good, I'm happy for you! Hope everything works out well.

Charbon · 18/01/2012 00:36

Read this thread yesterday and all the bumps that kept it active.

I don't think this has worked out well at all. In fact it reads like the OP has completely capitulated. I'm shocked by how many decisions this man seems to have made without reference to the OP - a night out already booked, to see his preferred band, when to book a holiday, how long they will go for etc.

Has he said that he will deal with his concerns differently next time OP, rather than issuing a leaving threat and then going AWOL for virtually an entire weekend?

I really hope you're not going to turn into some Stepford wife in order to prevent this happening again, because what seems to be missing here is what your husband is going to do to increase your happiness and satisfaction in the relationship.

I also hope you'll remain vigilant about his phone, because if this isn't an affair and a false entreaty on his part to improve the relationship, I'd be very surprised indeed......

ImpatientOne · 18/01/2012 00:39

Smile glad to know you're ok & hope you can use this as a positive thing to move forward, good luck xx

youngermother1 · 18/01/2012 00:56

Charbon - I think this is unfair - we all get down and sometimes don't see what is going on and want out. Perhaps he should have talked first, but he has organised things to do together and seems to have realised some things he was missing.

NannyPlumIsMyMum · 18/01/2012 01:05

I'm afraid i agree with charbon I think his behaviour was unacceptable .
I hope he has apologised.
He sounds quite manipulative and controlling to me .

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 18/01/2012 02:01

Holy moley he is one useless bump on a log.

Why on earth do you put up with him?

He doesn't want his son ironing.

What a fucking tool.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 18/01/2012 02:02

I mean seriously, you run around picking up your teenager's shit so his precious eyes are sullied by it?

What the hell does he bring to the household and the marriage, exactly?

How much free time you'd have if you weren't doing HIS share of the housework...

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 18/01/2012 02:03

Sorry that sounds much grumpier than I intended, fucking insomnia is pissing me off.

Lizzabadger · 18/01/2012 06:54

His friend's telling him "the grass is not always greener" sounds to me like he was discussing leaving you for someone else, sorry.

Please don't bend yourself into knots trying to please this man.

MumPotNoodle · 18/01/2012 07:07

Agree with Charbon and Lizzabadger.

Gumby · 18/01/2012 07:13

Why don't you get a cleaner?

countingto10 · 18/01/2012 07:28

I also think he slipped up with "the grass is not always greener" comment - he could have an OW in his head if she's not yet in his bed. Watch what he does OP, is he finding ways to set you up to fail so he can say look we've tried but it's not working, I'm off. To start off by saying he is leaving without airing his grievances first Hmm.

Good luck.

Bossybritches22 · 18/01/2012 08:05

Ok whilst the cynical part of me is still Hmm about your DH feeling I think that for him to even HAVE this talk, being the inbred chauvenist (?sp) he is shows he is willing to at least TRY and address the issues as are you. I don't see it as capitulating just both sides stating their case and hopefully moving on, it might not be ideal but it's a start.

I hasten to add I'm not being mean to him but he is the product of his upbringing and it's obviously ingrained in him he just doesn't see it, but at least now it's been reflected back at him, hopefully he will start to help a bit more. You must keep up the training! Especially his expectations re his sonShock

The other thing that occurs to me is.... He started to disagree and I cast my eye across the room where low and behold dd had covered the 2 seater entirely with her stuff

How old is DD? Why can't she be encourage, with Dads help, to have a tidy up on the way to bed? I have 2 VERY messy teenagers but I'm trying to get us all to have a whizz round before we/they go up. All your DC's can do their bit in age-appropriate ways, but if they are all allowed to get away with it then they will, DH included. It doesn't have to be a nag, a frank talk like you've had can really clear the air.

I don't think he is having an affair now, TBH but I wonder whether he had the opportunity or was tempted? Hopefully if you two can work on the relationship even if there was an OW waiting in the wings she'll be kicked into touch.

A marriage is worth working on so good for you for giving it a try for all your sakes!

Bossybritches22 · 18/01/2012 08:15

Ok whilst the cynical part of me is still Hmm about your DH feeling I think that for him to even HAVE this talk, being the inbred chauvenist (?sp) he is shows he is willing to at least TRY and address the issues as are you. I don't see it as capitulating just both sides stating their case and hopefully moving on, it might not be ideal but it's a start.

I hasten to add I'm not being mean to him but he is the product of his upbringing and it's obviously ingrained in him he just doesn't see it, but at least now it's been reflected back at him, hopefully he will start to help a bit more. You must keep up the training! Especially his expectations re his sonShock

The other thing that occurs to me is.... He started to disagree and I cast my eye across the room where low and behold dd had covered the 2 seater entirely with her stuff

How old is DD? Why can't she be encouraged to have a tidy up on the way to bed? I have 2 VERY messy teenagers but I'm trying to get us all to have a whizz round before we/they go up. All your DC's can do their bit in age-appropriate ways, but if they are all allowed to get away with it then they will, DH included. It doesn't have to be a nag, a frank talk like you've had can really clear the air.

I don't think he is having an affair now, TBH but I wonder whether he had the opportunity or was tempted? Hopefully if you two can work on the relationship even if there was an OW waiting in the wings she'll be kicked into touch.

A marriage is worth working on so good for you for giving it a try for all your sakes!

EightiesChick · 18/01/2012 08:19

Charbon Not saying there aren't still issues to work on here, but I am not convinced by your reading of the OP's update, of which you say: 'I'm shocked by how many decisions this man seems to have made without reference to the OP - a night out already booked, to see his preferred band, when to book a holiday, how long they will go for etc.'

The OP actually reported: 'He knows that he likes the band more than me and said he would be prepared to go and see another band if I preferred. I said no, we should see the original band.' So the husband here was offering to switch, not insisting they still go and see his preferred band. The holiday booking in for 'when we are all off' so sounds like he is fitting in with existing family plans, not imposing his on them.

This does seem a bit like reading what you want to, rather than what the post actually says.

MadAboutHotChoc · 18/01/2012 08:59

I am not sure things are really going well for you OP - it seems he has manipulated things to his advantage. Remember that those who invest a lot into a marriage would not be thinking of leaving so if I were you, I would think hard about whether he is really doing these things for you or for himself.

My heart too sank at the "grass is not always greener" comment.

Why did he take the passbook with him? I think this is rather controlling - FFS who does he think he is?

Keep watching to see if he is really making an effort in making you happy, and remember actions speaker louder than words....

SparkleSoiree · 18/01/2012 09:33

I agree with Lizzabadger - reading between the lines it sounds as if he has discussed leaving and he has been discouraged by his friend.

Your marriage, your decisions and certainly nobody on the internet but if I felt my DH was with me because his mate persuaded him from leaving me I would be flicking him out the door with his ironing and all. He would have to be there because he wanted to be with me and that he loved me and believed I was the most attractive woman on the planet. (My DH has got good rose tinteds!)

Sorry OP - I don't think your work is done by a long shot here..

Jacaqueen · 18/01/2012 09:41

I think this all sounds promising OP.

Take this chance to sit down with the whole family and draw up some new house rules.

You really have to let the teenagers be more responsible or they will never learn how to fend for themselves. Teaching life skills like cooking, ironing, cleaning is something that parents should do. Even the youngest at 9 would be doing chores in this house.

My 14 year old son can stick on a washing, iron his uniform, throw together a quick meal if needs be. I am a SAHM with two school age children but they still have jobs to do around the house. Hell would freeze over before I was clearing up after a teenager. If things get left lying about in this house they go in the bin.

If you like going to the cinema and DH doesn't why not go with a friend or even on your own. It's great that you and DH are going to do more together, but I also think it's important that you continue to persue activities that you like.