Close Encounters of The Intimate Kind! Dating thread No:8

[TimeForSomeAction]

Continued from Makes post and in reply of:

Make just ask him. Why not? And of course you are going to be a bit of a mystery woman, he's only just blooming met you! Send him a message saying if he fancies unravelling a bit of the mystery then to get in touch because you would like to see him again. Be playful, be teasing, be fun, make him want you Make

I'm pleased you are having fun but I do have to ask, is all this dating costing you loads of money?? New outfits etc

ah - ok. i see.
Still, doesnt make much difference does it. If you want to go to wish him happy birthday, then you should go. I cant really see why hes getting all huffy about it ( i hope that doesnt sound harsh.. just i wouldnt like it at all, esp when you havent been together that long either)

what snape said. -sorry, didnt see her reply.

Hmmm Zany... I would talk to him about this. He really doesn't have any right to dictate to you who you can and can't see. It is up to you.

I hope his feelings are borne out of genuine concern for your welfare rather than posessiveness, but either way he should be able to accept that you can make decisions for yourself.

I think its a bit of both to be honest Make, I mentioned it to a friend and she thinks I am mad to think of meeting him but I don't stop caring about someone just because I'm not in love with them anymore. If that makes sense.

zany - course it makes sense. Im abit like that too. id talk to him about it, say like everyone has said, and go from there.

teacher is texting me. I like getting texts from him. damn - :)

I'll hold my hands up and admit I wouldn't be happy with a bf going for a drink with someone who was an ex, and was abusive to him.

I have a distant friendship with my emotionally abusive ex, I have watered it down further and further over the years. I've known him 15 years and I live in the same town as him and his family, so falling out with or ignoring him completely wouldn't be worth the shit from his mother and sister - but I've backed off and backed off and I can't understand why anyone else wouldn't be the same. Our contact is limited to sharing music taste on facebook, and mutual xmas cards. Perhaps the odd phone call like when he got diagnosed with diabetes, but it was just a 5 min update chat.

Is the ex still a bit controlling of you Zany? Just wondering if you feel awkward saying no to him, and getting disapproval from him.

Yes Zany, it makes perfect sense. You have a different kind of relationship with your ex now, it may not be a romantic one but that doesn't mean you stop caring.

Please don't allow yourself to be dictated to or manipulated into making decisions you are not happy with and for the sake of another person, especially at such an early stage in the proceedings. This is a problem Mr Yacht has and one he should be dealing with, not something you should be conceding on in order to make him feel secure/comfortable.

Imagine what would happen if he stated he didn't like you seeing a number of your friends, you conformed to make him happy and then the relationship ended. Where would you be then? Stick to your guns on this one.

Hi to everyone else

Also - I get what you mean with the not stopping caring just because you're not with them - but physical prescence isn't really necessary, ie going for a drink - fb and the odd phonecall would be fine.

But lubey if meeting her ex for a drink is what Zany wishes to do then she should be free to do so, without fear of upsetting Mr Yacht, otherwise she is being controlled by him.

The other side has to be considered though - I don't think he is being unreasonable in the slightest to be a bit upset by it.

In relationships you can't just do whatever you like with no consideration for the other persons feelings, especially when there is a cause to be upset by it - like meeting an abusive ex.

If Zany wanted to meet a male friend that wasn't an ex, it would be different and I would say that he was controlling and she should go ahead and meet whatever friends she likes

The fact that he isn't just a friend, he is an ex - they have had a relationship in the past and on top of that , that he was a shit - is an upsetting factor.

What I mean is - it isn't controlling behaviour to not like something and object to it when there is justified cause to be perturbed/be upset by that thing.

I think the ex factor, and the abusive factor both = justified cause.

I think the bottom line is that it is Zany's decision to make regardless. Yes, Mr Yacht has a right to be concerned because he care's for Zany but he has to trust her and trust her decision.

But that's maybe just me because I am now out of a controlling relationship and hate the thought of being told what I can and can't do!

And no, it isn't controlling behaviour not to like something and express that dislike but it is controlling behaviour to try or attempt to try prevent another person from doing something because you don't like it.

Zany's bloke hasn't forbidden it or tried to stop her, he has just expressed his (justifiable imho) hurt about it.

I would be exactly the same - bemused and hurt and not liking it one bit but wouldn't actually stop them.

Zany - am I right in thinking he didn't say you couldn't go, just told you his feelings? If so then I don't see it as him being controlling, just unable to understand why you would want to catch up with someone who treated you badly.

Can I ask how you would feel if say, he was going to meet up with the ex on Facebook for a drink on her birthday? If it would bother you, would you tell him so?

I don't think there is anything wrong at all with expressing feelings in relationships, it's how it's done. Dictating no, sharing yes. Better than keeping schtum then it coming out later!

If you have told him how abusive this ex was then he probably is baffled as to why you would want to remain in physical contact with him. If you've talked alot about the abuse he might think you are still not over it. People tend not to discuss the details of a relationship breakdown when they are over it. (Disclaimer, no real experience of abuse but a few bad breakups) So he may also be feeling insecure about this ex.

Having said that, that wouldn't be a big relationship 'mess up' to me - it's just a hurdle in the grand scheme of things. I would hope to work out some kind of compromise, talk it over, and it wouldn't be a dealbreaker. From either perspective, that is.

Gawd, got my posting fingers on today

Also I remember Zany herself having some jealous feelings about his ex. I have to presume but I don't think it's unreasonable to believe that Zany wouldn't exactly be jumping for joy either if he was wanting to meet up with her, especially (for comparison reasons only) if they had no ties like children, and she used to be abusive to him

I know I would feel very uneasy about it.

Zany has said that Mr Yacht said he isn't happy at all about it and doesn't want her to go so she has told her ex she can't make it.

Hi

THanks for your comments guys, been busy at work.

He didn't say I couldn't meet him, this would piss me right off, but said that he would rather I didn't but that it was my decision. He did ask how I would feel if he met an ex in the same circumstance and I don't think I would mind but I may be kidding myself. He did say that he trusts me but then later on asked whether I was over him (99% sure that I am).

I do have quite a few friends who are blokes, one I met for coffee yesterday and I'm seeing another friend with his 3 DD's on Saturday and he is fine with that, just very puzzled as to what I felt I owed my time to someone who had treated me badly in the past.

I was tem,pted to meet and not say anything as I knew his would be pissed off but why should I feel the need to lie when I'm not doing anything wrong

I really think its likely the fact that your ex was abusive to you zany. He probably is getting carried away because he can't understand it and thinking therefore you may still have feelings for him.

I totally agree that if you want to see the xp you should though.

zany, I can see all sides of this and I'm inclined to agree with lubey, stay and adams. Mr Yacht has spent the last while getting to know you and your family and letting you get to know his, then along comes the evil ex and it could be construed that the ex still wields some level of emotional control over you. Yes, you have history with the ex, but with a smidge of luck you might just have a future with Mr Yacht.

I'd be saying to the ex you're sorry, but you've moved on and you won't be catching up with him, with no reference at all to Mr Yacht. If the ex has grown up he'll understand. If he gets pooey that reinforces to you that he's the ex for good reasons. If Mr Yacht asks tell him you've decided not to see the ex but don't make a big deal of it. Just say you thought about it and it was no big deal but he's the ex for a reason. I know it's fashionable to express these interactions as jockeying for power or control in a relationship, but a good relationship is about compromise and sharing, so if you do love the guy cut him some slack. Never become a doormat, because you deserve better than that, but remember that bitter angry women score points and look to gain the upper hand just because they feel they deserve it and so they're quick to put up their defenses, but from every word you've ever posted on here I just don't think that's you.

"it's fashionable to express these interactions as jockeying for power or control in a relationship" and "remember that bitter angry women score points and look to gain the upper hand just because they feel they deserve it"

I don't think it's a case of either in this instance.

i dont think its a case of either either.

Zany - its good he says he trusts you, and its your decision, so it comes from the cares from you camp, rather than the other camp. I would think hard about what a happy birthday drink with the ex migth be worth, as opposed to hurting somone who has shown real concern for you and work out which is the best to do. You dont have to decide for a few days.

saying that, i would also think hard about what is it that I want to do, without anyone influence.