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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Pregnant after fling.. what to do?

133 replies

teardrops · 07/01/2012 20:02

I have just found out I'm pregnant after a brief relationship with someone who lives a long distance from me. He is engaged to be married to someone else and I suspect he won't want anything to do with the baby if I keep it.
I feel so stupid and have no idea what to do.

OP posts:
Bignorkz · 07/01/2012 20:04

Do you know how far along you are?

teardrops · 07/01/2012 20:10

Only about 6 weeks. I love him and would have done anything to be with him but he broke my heart and stopped all contact with me all of a sudden a few weeks ago after I had spent a huge amount of money to go and see him.

OP posts:
BecauseImperfect · 07/01/2012 20:14

But he was engaged to be married to someone else what did you expect?

You either keep the baby or don't. Those are your blanket options. You need to be prepared to do both as a single person. He used you, he's not into you like that.

bonzo77 · 07/01/2012 20:16

Would you manage to raise a child alone, with no help practical or financial from anyone? Do you have support? Would you want to? How old are you? How much do you want a baby?

teardrops · 07/01/2012 20:21

If I was in a steady relationship or even with his support I would love to keep this baby but I don't think that's going to happen.

He doesn't even answer my calls anymore and I have had to send him a text to tell him the news. How ridiculous is this whole situation?? I'm shitting myself wondering what his response is going to be and I've now turned my phone off.

I'm 24 and he's the same age. His family are turkish and he is marrying this girl to please them, or so he told me.

OP posts:
lubeybooby · 07/01/2012 20:28

I would have an abortion in that situation. Then cut all ties, change my number and have nothing further to do with him.

I dated a very much single Turkish lad who I knew things would never go anywhere with due to his strict family. If I had ever been pregnant with his baby there's no way I'd have kept it, he would have refused to have anything to do with it whatsoever. I couldn't knowingly bring a child into that situation.

teardrops · 07/01/2012 20:40

I never thought an abortion was something I could ever go through with. But I think it's going to have to be that or be a single mum and really struggle.

I probably shouldn't have told him should I? Too late now. I sent a very matter of fact message and said I don't want anything from him but I thought he should know. Actually thinking about it I don't think he deserves anything from me

OP posts:
bonzo77 · 07/01/2012 20:43

I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation. Knowing that if you go ahead you do so without him. Would anyone else help? I know at 24 there would be no way I could have managed. I would have had an abortion. The earlier you do it the less hard it is, physically at least. But that's my view.

OP, be prepared for the pro-lifers to get involved in this thread. Don't take it personally, and hide the thread and start again, or get it moved to antenatal choices.

beckyboo232 · 07/01/2012 21:19

Hi I just wanna say I'm sorry u've found yourself in this situation. I also fell pregnant after a ill advised fling and yep did use contraception just was one of those things. I would advise u to give yourself a little time be gentle with yourself. Have u / would u have any family support? I think u did the right thing to tell him whatever/however he acts you know yourself that u did the right thing. I was 25 and did keep my baby but that was right or me not necessarily for u i just wanted to say your not alone take care x

teardrops · 07/01/2012 21:38

I'm terrified of his reaction, that he's going to tell me to get rid of it. I can't even turn my mobile back on because I can't deal with that right now Sad

OP posts:
andthatwasthat · 07/01/2012 21:57

how are you OP? hope youre ok

ImperialBlether · 07/01/2012 22:14

Look, your period is only a couple of weeks late. You can resolve this problem and you will be much happier for it, long term.

You have no future with this man.

Please, please, do something about it.

lubeybooby · 07/01/2012 22:15

Sorry my message was really cold - I didn't mean it to be, it's just my automatic self preservation kicks in when thinking about situations I could have ended up in myself, hence the robotic thought process of what I would do.

I do really feel for you OP, it's an awful situation and I hope you're ok.

Some people are absolutely fine bringing up a baby with no contact whatsoever with the biological father - which seeing as he is Turkish with a strict family and about to get married, I'd say it's highly likely he will want nothing to do with it either way, whether you abort or not.

However having done single motherhood once with my DD, whose father was and still is involved, loves her, always paid maintenance, lots of contact, great dad - I personally couldn't purposefully bring a child into a situation that would be lacking those things. It's hard enough with the rejection, that you and possibly (through no fault of your own) the child would feel.

That is just my opinion though, the choice is entirely yours and a very personal thing. Only you can know if you really want the baby enough to be able to handle the extra horrible bits of no contact etc on top of single motherhood. I know many have found themselves in sort of this situation when the father has just upped and left and dodged all contact and the CSA etc out of the blue - so they didn't know it was coming and they handle it perfectly well.

Whatever you decide - good luck and all the best, and a big unmumsnetty hug!

ImperialBlether · 07/01/2012 22:19

That's exactly what I feel, lubey. I came on to apologise, too.

Please OP, you are so young and one day you will have a child with someone really lovely, who will love you and care for you.

Please don't put yourself in the position of being a single mum when the father is as he is. You really don't deserve this.

I wouldn't tell him at all. I'd go to the doctor, make the appointment, take a friend to help me, block him on Facebook and change my email and phone number.

Soon, you will be happy again. Believe in that.

teardrops · 07/01/2012 22:52

No need to apologise. I expected much worse to be honest.

I was finding it hard to deal with even before I found out I'm pregnant because I love him. I thought he loved me too, he talked to me like we had a future together. There was no fall out or anything, he just cut me out of his life completely with no warning.

If I can't deal with it how can I ever explain to a child why their daddy wants nothing to do with them?

But I always said I would never consider abortion and I do have a lot of family and friends who would be there for me. I'm torn.

OP posts:
AllDirections · 07/01/2012 22:53

Do you want to have the baby?

teardrops · 07/01/2012 22:53

I've already blocked him on facebook and changed the sim in my mobile so he can't call me.

OP posts:
SillyOldBear01 · 07/01/2012 22:56

Did you know he was unavailible when the fling began?

tanfastic · 07/01/2012 22:57

I was in a similar situation quite a few years ago although the bloke was single like me but a complete knob.
We were only casually dating and he was Fucking me about so I never told him I was pregnant and I had an abortion and never contacted him again. It was for the best in my circumstances and I don't regret that decision.

timetosmile · 07/01/2012 23:01

Really sorry that you find yourself in this situation, both the rejection and the surprise of being pregnant must be overwhelming.
At 6 weeks you have a bit of time on your side, so there is scope for some more time reflecting before you make a final decision.
"I always said I would never consider abortion" ..I don't know if that reflects a religious or other deeply-help belief, but try to stay 'true to yourself' in this situation, whatever that might mean for you.
You're the one that will be living with your decision, not us, so take a lot of advice and a bit of time to think things through yourself x

ImperialBlether · 07/01/2012 23:04

SillyOldBear, this might not be the time to bring this up. She has a specific problem that needs to be sorted out.

teardrops · 07/01/2012 23:07

I had already had sex with him and fallen for him in a big way before he told me he was getting married.

He told me his mum wants him to settle down and has found this girl for him. Apparently he has never even met her or seen a picture of her (quite possible as she still lives in Turkey) and feels pressured into it.

After he told me about her he never mentioned her again and would talk about things he wanted to do with me in future.

Usually he goes home to see his family every winter around this time of year and I asked if he was going this winter to see them and meet this girl and he says no, he's staying here. And I know he is still here.

So I don't know what he really wants.

OP posts:
HairyGrotter · 07/01/2012 23:09

To put a balance on it, I fell pregnant, the father was clear he wanted nothing to do with me or the baby, I continued the pregnancy and DD is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

It's a stuggle, but I don't know anyone who hasn't struggled raising a child, with or without support.

However, you have time to really think about what you want. If I'd have been younger? I may well have had a termination. You have to do what is right for you and your future.

Good luck xx

mamalovesmojitos · 07/01/2012 23:10

Op, I feel for you. Only you can make this decision and whatever you decide you will find support on here. However, for what it's worth, in your position I would terminate the pregnancy.

Hope you're ok Sad. Not an easy place to be.

SillyOldBear01 · 07/01/2012 23:15

Imperial- it appears that she didnt know straight away therefore is not in the wrong, It does need to be raised, I couldnt be sympathetic to someone knowingly having an affair.