Pregnant after fling.. what to do?

[teardrops]

I have just found out I'm pregnant after a brief relationship with someone who lives a long distance from me. He is engaged to be married to someone else and I suspect he won't want anything to do with the baby if I keep it.
I feel so stupid and have no idea what to do.

I have friends my age who have babies and the thought of it doesn?t scare me but I don?t know how I would cope financially. As I said I don?t have a huge amount of savings, they would pretty much be wiped out just being bits and pieces for the baby before I even start maternity leave so how would I cope then?

Also I can?t bear the thought of telling any child of mine when they are older that their daddy isn?t interested in seeing them. How do you explain that? How could they not feel rejected by it when I know how hard it is for me as an adult to deal with?

are they reason enough not to keep it? I don't know, maybe not

Well, this is why you need to take a bit of time and collect your thoughts. You sound very unsure to me. FWIW, I went through very similar torments-having never brought a child into the world I could not be as relaxed about it back then as I would be now, knowing what I know now, IYSWIM.

I went through utter agonies, mainly around thinking I would be doing the baby a disservice if I brought it into the world and found that I couldn't give it, say, the same kind of (financial) stability my parents gave me and my siblings. Ridiculous, but a very real fear at the time.

I likened the decision at the time to climbing a very high hill, at the top of which are two doors (bear with me....). Once you've slogged it out to get to the top, gone through counselling and the like, you think you'll know what to do, which door to go through, but you don't. Well, I didn't.

I suppose what I'm saying is it's a leap of faith-you have no way of knowing which door to go through ie to have the baby or not, but there's no right or wrong here. YOU WILL DEAL WITH IT, whatever you decide.

I have to say, purely anecdotally from this site, that I don't see many women on here regretting that they had their baby, but I do see a few regrets wrt abortions. Maybe someone will counter that.

If finances are a concern-that can be got over. As for "Daddy", and what to tell the child, you will find a way to deal with whatever the future holds for you and the baby. There are countless scenarios, but what you can be sure of is that you will by then have a beautiful son or daughter who will enrich your life immeasurably, IME. I wish I could shoot you forwards a few years- when I look back I cannot believe I worried so much.

You didn't mention RL support-any friends or family to confide in?

Just a word of caution on the job front - how will you manage for childcare at month-end, when something has gone wrong with the figures and you have a reporting deadline to meet? Accountancy is not known as a child-friendly profession. IME I was marked down as I was b/f and not able to stay away from home in the first 3 months of dd's life.

I have another concern for you - trainee accountants are a lot cheaper than newly-quals, and there is often a round of redundancies when people qualify, and a lot of (cheaper) trainees are recruited, and also not everyone recruited as a trainee is expected to stay the course, qualify and want to stay with the practice/company that trained them.

Good luck - with whatever you decide.

Financially when I had my son I had nothing, literally and it was one my primary concerns. I stayed in a hostel and then in a council house which I still rent. It was tough and I worked bloody hard to complete a masters degree and nowork freelance and am studying for a phd -but it is all the sweeter now for everything I went through. I cannot believe I ever panicked so much about the money it's a cliche but I never cared about the sacrifices in regardsto money once he was born. He was and is my reason to work so hard. Regarding 'daddy' I stell my son the age appropriate truth. I myself had no relationship with my father until I found him in my 20s I now have a casual how are u kinda relationship and I don't think I turned out too bad. Obviously not ideal but you would cope. There are a thousand different scenarios no matter what u decide u just need to be sure. In agre u need to give yourself a little time. There is no right or wrong just what is right or wrong for you

Am going to be shot down in flames! Such early days in your pregnancy - the father is not interested in you or your dilemma and you still don't know how many other women he has shagged! Go to the STI clinic!

Peppermint Pasty - it's far easier to express regret about having an abortion.

It is virtually impossible to express regret about having a child or indeed children, partly because it isn't a simple and straightforward regret and because there is a child or children involved. To raise in on a mother focussed internet forum is likely to result in a considerable number of highly unpleasant responses.

Whilst I don't regret having my DC I deeply regret having them with the man I did (not that I could possibly have known that at the time). I have saddled them and me with an absolutely appalling man, possibly for the rest of their lives.

The OP has the opportunity to decide whether or not to do this, knowing that the man may decide to be a part of her child's live and to hope that despite his behaviour to her, he will be good to her child.

In her shoes I have no doubt what I would do, but that is with the benefit of my experience. You know what you'd do with the benefit of your experience

The fact with the little she knows of the man and vastly different cultural backgrounds, it is little more than a gamble.

I hope your ok , op .

Best bit of advice i ever heard regarding a pg , was ...think , do whats right for you , and once youve made your decision , then tell the man involved.

I know its not what everyone would say , but its a damn site easier to deal with another persons reaction once you have made your mind up.

Either way , i know this isnt easy for you , and i wish you the very best for your future .

Yes LunarRose, I don't disagree at all. It's very very difficult to be objective when you have been down a similar road and come out the other end with experiences particular to yourself. I don't envy the OP's position.

Is he Turkish and engaged to be married?

I really don't think you will hear from this guy again. I'm sorry. But I would have an abortion and try to put it behind me.

Oh, and as for expressing regret-of course I'm not so naive as to think that nobody has them, but I do genuinely feel that there is not an army of women out there biting their lips to stop themselves admitting that they regret having had children. I may be totally off the mark with that of course. I suppose I was trying to say that once you make a decision, and that decision is to go ahead and have the baby, in doing so you come to terms with the fact that you are going to be a mother, and the chances are that you will embrace it.

Also, I very much saw a division between my "old" life, without children, and my "new" life with a child (when I decided not to have the abortion I mean). I had accepted it then, at that point.

I take your point about the man. I was in similar difficulties with unreliability, him being a bastard etc, and for me it simply wasn't a factor. But I accept that it is very important here, given his family ties etc.

head There are far worse men than just unreliable men, unreliable men will do comparatively little damage as long as mum is strong and holds it together. If I had had children with an unreliable man I would not have regretted the decision in the slightest. But you are talking purely in selfish terms, without thinking of what damage having a genunely bad dad has on the child, I think your ideas of regret are too simplistic.

the OP really doesn't know what type of man she is thinking of having a child with at all. And because he knows, whatever happens next, he will have a right to be involved.

head should be {{bangs head}}

You're surely not suggesting that if there is a "bad Dad" then a woman should have an abortion? If that were the case then I for one would not have had my children which would have been patently wrong as it turned out. (he was more than just "unreliable". -I was using the word as a catch all).
I admit to generalising about regret but I don't think it's necessarily simplistic, but there we are.

I had abortions when I was younger- and didn't regret them. Now I have DS, with whom his father has no contact whatsoever- and I don't regret having him either! Just a couple of things I wanted to respond to:

You are worried that this child will forever remind you of its father, OP. IME, nothing could be further than the truth. DS looks the absolute image of his dad, but this is truly a matter of supreme indifference to me. All the hurt and pain that this man caused have evaporated, and all that is left is this lovely little boy, who is his own person. I can acknowledge that he resembles his dad, but totally dispassionately.I rarely think of the man now, thank God.

You are worried that your child will feel the lack of a father. Well, TBH this is something I still worry about, but from everything I read, it seems that never ever having had a dad around can actually be better than a child bonding with a father, who then departs- several years down the line. Neither's ideal, of course, but there are so few certainties about anything in life, are there? I do know a couple of adults who've grown up without knowing their dads, and they seem like very stable, happy individuals to me.

Money-wise, you don't seem in that bad a position. If you are working you are entitled to paid maternity leave, and you would almost certainly get help with tax credits, possibly housing benefit, having a child. The state safety net is still there (at time of writing!) to support you if you ended up not working for a couple of years. And it seems that you're well on your way to qualifying in an eventually lucrative career- which is more than I can say for myself, at 13 years your senior!

So...that's all I wanted to say. You will be fine whichever choice you make. Good luck- we're thinking of you!

Again too simplistic.

Had I known or even had an inkling of what exh was really like or what we would go though since, I would not have had children with him for the children's sake as well as my own. I watch my ex doing ongoing damage to the kids and can do nothing about it because he is their dad, that is awful. Had they had a different dad they would not go through that and I would not have had to watch. I don't know if that is regret exactly but something very close.

No I am not saying every woman who has a child with an abusive man should have an abortion (I don't think you often have a chance to know), but they absolutely should go into the situation with their eyes wide open, aware that whilst it might go well, it could well have absolutely awful parts for mother and child alike.

The fact is that we have no idea what this man is like, at the very least he has deceived the OP either at best by having deluded himself that he was going to leave the "arranged marriage" at worst by straight out lying.

The decision is not one I had. The OP does and I hope she considers it with her eyes wide open. Whatever decision will be accompanied by its own joys and regrets

Well I'm not arguing about interpretations with you just for the sake of it. I agree entirely with your last post. I also think that if what you say is correct about what you would have done, then you are a lot stronger than the majority of people in this position.

I'm guessing then, if you agree with the last post, I hadn't explained myself too well previously!!!

In all honesty though in the OP's position, given the massive number of red flags about dad and the realistic expectation that I could have more children in a better situation thereby giving them a better start in life, there is no way my choice would be to have this child. Whether I would/could go through with the choice though heaven only knows.

I'm not sure making the decision either way is a good indicator of strength or weakness. Living with a decision, whatever it is; now that's where the strength truly lies.

There?s some really interesting responses and a lot to think about.

I have still not heard anything from him at all and I don?t think I?ll waste my time calling him so I have tried to put him out of my head as much as I can and focus on what?s right for me.

Increasingly my thoughts are that I will have other opportunities to have children, hopefully even if things don?t work out with the father I can find a man that would be committed to the children even if they are not committed to me. It?s hugely important to me and I can?t allow my heart to overrule my head.

I know you cannot plan these things and it might not work out that way at all but how can I go into this with my eyes open, knowing what the future will be and bring a baby into it? As much as I want to I just can?t.

You sound a lot clearer teardrops. Keep on going, you will get there.

I was in nearly the same situation as you. Brief fling where condom broke then morning after pill failed. Told the guy and he wanted nothing to do with it. Went for a scan at 6 weeks (due to past miscarriages) and found out there was 2 little monsters in there. I had a 4 year old dd at the time and obviously was already a lone parent. I now have 3 amazing children who i wouldnt change for the world. The twins are now 17 months old and their father has made no attempt to even know their names. It wasnt an ideal situation but i would not change them for the world.

My plan is to love them so much that the fact their dad isnt interested wont hurt so much in the future.

teardrops - I just wanted to tell you my story as it's in some way similar to yours.

I got into a very ill advised, physically abusive relationship during a low point in my life. The relationship was with a guy younger than me, who lied to me about his age (although that's irrelevant really). Anyway, I got accidently pregnant after an IUD failure and when I told him he promptly buggered off never to be seen again. When I was with him he said he loved me but I knew it wasn't true. When his family found out about the baby they wanted to know what had happened and one of them contacted me on facebook so I told her. His response was to send me a very nasty email telling me I was a cunt. That's the last communication I had from him.

Anyway, to cut a long story short everyone close to me advised me to have an abortion but I could not bring myself to do it and I now have a very lovely little girl and I am so so glad I kept her. She is a joy and does not remind me of him. I don't think about him any more. So it can work out, that's all I'm saying.

He finally called. And I kind of wish he hadn't after all.

He does have feelings for me but can't be with me. He cut me out because he doesn't know how to deal with it and he can't back out of this marriage.

Oh jeez, what a fuck up

so when I thought I was getting there I am now all over the place again. whats the point calling to tell me that?

Teardrop, these are the two things that really stood out for me in your last post...

"my thoughts are that I will have other opportunities to have children"
and
"how can I go into this with my eyes open, knowing what the future will be and bring a baby into it?"

OK, I appreciate that this is a situation you would never-in-a-million-years have wished yourself into, and your position in having to decide what to do with your current pregnancy is an extremely difficult one.

All I would say (as a health professional) is that you can never take the future for granted. Do what YOU think is right for you at this precise given time, sure, but please don't assume that you can second-guess the future, because none of us can do that, and I have seen the heartbreak women later unable to conceive (for whatever reason) go through having terminated a pregnancy 'in good faith' previously.

"I can?t allow my heart to overrule my head."...maybe not, but don't discount what it's telling you without very careful consideration. I don't want to sway you either way, but as a previous poster said, this is a decision you (already know, I think) you will have to live with for a long time.

Sorry - maybe of no practical help - just some reflections on your post.