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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Pregnant after fling.. what to do?

133 replies

teardrops · 07/01/2012 20:02

I have just found out I'm pregnant after a brief relationship with someone who lives a long distance from me. He is engaged to be married to someone else and I suspect he won't want anything to do with the baby if I keep it.
I feel so stupid and have no idea what to do.

OP posts:
LunarRose · 08/01/2012 12:57

ThompsonTwins - in all honesty that was something that I was worried about but didn't know enough about Turkish law to say.

Original poster
teardrops · 08/01/2012 13:14

To not even answer me at all............I'm speechless. so upset

OP posts:
LunarRose · 08/01/2012 13:17

Ultimately this decision is yours and yours alone. No-one's live will be impacted more by it than your own.

Whatever the reason for his silence, it does at least give you the space to make it on your own for you.

LunarRose · 08/01/2012 13:23

{{hugs}} on the other bit

Original poster
teardrops · 08/01/2012 13:28

I told him I didn't want anything from him but some kind of acknowledgement is the least I deserve. I want to keep this baby but I don't think I can Sad

OP posts:
Heleninahandcart · 08/01/2012 13:42

To answer the question about Turkish law and fathers rights. If you are not married to this man he does not have any automatic right to custody. He would have rights of access as they also view this of being beneficial to the child, it is very, very unlikely he would get custody.

However, you both live in the UK. I'm sure someone with more knowledge of this could tell you what rights your child/child's father would have.

OP the arranged marriage may or may not be true. Either way, it would ultimately be his decision and he has not treated you well. If you decide to continue with this pregnancy, assume you are going to be a single parent but also with the added complication of family pressure being involved from his side. This could be positive or negative. Do not underestimate what you could be up against.

rootietootie · 08/01/2012 13:46

hi, I fell pregnant aged 18 and the babys father moved out the same day I told him i was pregnant. Like you, termination just was not an option for me. Eleven years later and my son is the best thing that ever happened to me. I had a very supportive mum and friends which helped, and you have said you will have some support. Sure there were times when i struggled, but no more or less than other new mums, single or otherwise. TBH im kind of saddened by all these people proffering termination as a 'solution' when you have specifically stated that it is not an option for you.

Original poster
teardrops · 08/01/2012 13:57

I never thought I would have an abortion and have always been very anti-abortion but then I never imagined I would be in this situation.

I really don't know right now. One minute I want to keep it, things are not ideal but I will be ok and the next I think there is no way I can.

OP posts:
LunarRose · 08/01/2012 14:22

rootietootie, my apologies I hadn't read that the op had said termination wasn't an option. I am glad that your situation has turned out ok.

Heleninahandcart: I can answer on legal rights in the uk. Currently if the father in on the birth certificate or seeks to prove paternity through the courts he will get full parental responsibility.
If you're lucky he you and he will work something out in private and it will be ok. If your a little less lucky you might have a court case or two at the start but then be able to work things out as feelings simmer down.

If you're really unlucky have a look at the lone parents section or legal section to know how bad it can get.
And frankly, from experience, it can be a lot worse not just for the mother, but for the kids too.

There are many situations where no dad is involved and things work out fine Honestly if the dad had no idea of the pregnancy and no chance of finding out (regardless of the rights and wrongs) I'd be less concerned about the outcomes for the OP. But he does and therefore he will have the opportunity to be involved. This could work out fine, it might not. But in actual fact the OP doesn't know the father bearly at all, and not at all without rose tinted specs. There are a lot of red flags here and a lot of unknowns. It is, at best a gamble.

To have fallen into the position the OP is in is unfortunate. But for her and her child's sake the next steps should be taken with eyes wide open.

LunarRose · 08/01/2012 14:35

Teardrops: I'm not the certainly not right person to advise on what you should do.. we all come from the position of our own histories and hangups. Take the opportunity to work it out for you.

Personally i don't think any decision should be solely based solely on dogma unless you really couldn't live with yourself for betraying your principles. But then there's not decision to be made in this case at all.

Just make your next steps with eyes wide open whatever those steps may be

Original poster
teardrops · 08/01/2012 14:41

How long do I have to make a decision? I will call tomorrow and make an appointment to discuss termination. I'm not a strong enough person to do this on my own.

OP posts:
LunarRose · 08/01/2012 14:50

I don't know. you are strong though. don't rush either. anyone in real life you can talk to

fanjolina · 08/01/2012 14:51

How long was your phone turned off for? Text message centres only try for a maximum amount of time (I think 3 days) to deliver the message. If your phone was turned off for longer than this, you would not have received any message sent more than 3 days before. So he could have replied, you'll just never know what that reply was. And if he did reply, and it was positive, he will now think you are ignoring him.
So call him (withhold your number if needs be so he will answer) and discuss this like adults. There is a life at stake here!

LunarRose · 08/01/2012 14:59

yes for gods sake I'm such a dunce fanjolina is right. If you want to try and include him in the decision call him and talk to him, now is the time to go visit.

lubeybooby · 08/01/2012 15:00

teardrops if you are 6 weeks at the moment, medical abortion can be carried out up to 9 weeks (the pill option) so you have three weeks in theory. However every day the increasing hormones make it more and more difficult.

I will add at this point that I had one three years ago and talking it through with the BPAS centre was very helpful. I wasn't pushed into anything and was listened to for as long as I wanted to blether on and sob for. They won't tell you what to do and want you to be sure in your own decision before you go ahead.

Surgical abortion can be carried out up to something like 24 weeks but the very late ones are rare, I wouldn't personally consider it after 12 weeks.

bodaba · 08/01/2012 22:26

You don't seem to know much about him! (Forgive me if I have this wrong!)

He may have impregnated other women; suggest that you get yourself to the STI clinic asap.

Very sorry for your turmoil. Best wishes

toptramp · 08/01/2012 22:34

Op; I was in almost exactly the same situation as you as I have said before. I lovced dds dad and I desperately wanted him to stay but he disn't and dd is the best thing that happened to me BUT I do miss my old freedoms a lot. I do feel sad that I don't have a dp. Are you qualified? That will have a significant bearing on your decision? DDo you have means to take on work when baby is older? Are your family supportive? Do you like going out (I am 33 and still love to party) because when you have dc you can't much at all. You will have to make BIG sacrifices. Are you ready to do this?
BTW- when baby is older you will get teh chance to continue studies, party, date etc but it will be on hold. All the best op; I don't think abortion is your only option at all.

Original poster
teardrops · 09/01/2012 09:29

I have a reasonably good job in accountancy but not yet fully qualified and not a lot of savings so that?s a worry. I don?t go out partying much and have a few friends the same age as me that have babies so that side of it doesn?t bother me so much.

I only met him in September so don?t know an awful lot about him. His family is quite a strict, traditional muslim family from a very rural area in Turkey whereas he is now very western, he likes to drink, smoke, party a lot. He works for his brother who has his own business but doesn?t have a lot of money because a lot of what they earn they send back home to their family.

If I keep this baby there is no way in hell he will ever tell them about it and he will be horrified at the thought of me telling anyone he knows. As much as he has hurt me I don?t think I could do that to him. I still love him a lot and I know he felt something for me but nothing is going to come of it, baby or not, and I have to accept that.

Was going to make an appointment this morning but I can?t bring myself to pick up the phone. I need to though because this baby is going to be a reminder of him every single day for the rest of my life and that's not what I want.

OP posts:
deste · 09/01/2012 10:27

Sometimes the timing is all wrong and it sounds as if it is for you. You have your training to finish and then you can start thinking about relationships and babies. Make your appointment and speak to someone, help them to help you to decide. It's your decision. Not everyone who has an abortion regrets it, sometimes it's for the best but with proper help and advice you will be able to make the best decision for you

rootietootie · 09/01/2012 14:07

Was going to make an appointment this morning but I can?t bring myself to pick up the phone

If thats true then i genuinely believe a termination is not for you. I think an abortion is a decision that you have to be 100% sure about or else you are just going to swap one set of problems for another.

Original poster
teardrops · 09/01/2012 15:29

Still haven't made the call but really it's the only viable option.

I keep hoping he will pick up the phone and at least talk to me before I have to make a decision alone but I haven't heard anything at all.

If he wants nothing to do with me why doesn't he just say? I have given him the opportunity. Maybe this is his way of saying it?

OP posts:
droves · 09/01/2012 15:39

He's ignoring you op , I'm sorry , but I don't think he even respects you enough to acknowledge your txt .

Whatever decision you make , I hope you get the right support to help you .

beckyboo232 · 09/01/2012 15:48

The fact you have not made the call I think speaks volumes. If you truly have not then I think abortion is not the route or you. You have to be absolutely certain. You have many options,Have you talked to anyone in real life? in my case it was my inability to pick up the phone that finally made me decide no I am keeping my baby. I was terified and alone not to mention broke but oncei decided i came through it happy and strong you have to be sure whatever your decision. I.m afraid to say that it seems that he his just gonna disappear you have to focus on yourself- it does seem that maybe his lack of response is his way of telling you.

Original poster
teardrops · 09/01/2012 16:12

I spoke to my best friend about it on Saturday and she was the one that told me to tell him because he deserves to know. Not sure I should have listened now.

The more I think about it and the longer it goes on the more angry I get that he thinks he can just ignore it and it will disappear. Cunt.

But getting angry and upset over him isn?t going to help me. You?re right, I need to focus on me but the things he said to me I can?t get out of my head.
Why does it have to be like this? What have I done????

OP posts:
PeppermintPasty · 09/01/2012 16:14

Look love, I really think you have to put this man out of the equation for now, not an easy thing to do I know. I would love to be wrong but I just do not think he is going to be the man you want him to be and come through for you.

You need to clear your head so you can think long and hard about whether or not you want to keep this baby. You said upthread that you wanted to, but felt that you couldn't. -Why is that? Can you explain, and maybe we can help you unravel it all?

Have you any real life support? Family, or good friends that you can confide in? In my opinion, 24 is not all that young, and no one would want you to do something now that you would bitterly regret in later life-whatever the decision ends up being.

Like other posters I would urge you to get some counselling. Clinics offer it freely. I was in the position of considering an abortion and I went to a counsellor. She was spectacularly crap, so don't necessarily go expecting clear blue skies thinking. What she did for me, however, was make me search for the answer on my own, and I found it.