Pregnant after fling.. what to do?

[teardrops]

I have just found out I'm pregnant after a brief relationship with someone who lives a long distance from me. He is engaged to be married to someone else and I suspect he won't want anything to do with the baby if I keep it.
I feel so stupid and have no idea what to do.

I added a sentence to my message further up, then deleted it because I was presuming, but now it's applicable so I will say it.

I would worry for your emotional health and wellbeing if you went ahead, because of the contstant reminder in your life

When love is involved and somethign ends, it DOES get better - so so much better. No one knows this better than me, having had the most hideous and painful break up on the planet last year. It was hell for 2 months. Slightly less hellish in the third month... and so on and so on and now, 9 months on it's fine, so much better, no more pain apart from tiny stabs now and then that get fewer and fewer and hurt less each time.

BUT

In order to move on, it's essential that you have NO contact. It will hurt and burn and ache and be awful but gradually, it gets better. Any contact will set you back emotionally

Hence my further worry for the hurt and pain you would feel if you went ahead.

ImperialBlether is right too - one day, the right person and right situation will happen, and you could have a baby without all this angst and potential ongoing pain

OP - You don't have to share the details if it is distressing for you but:-

how did you meet him?

why did you have sex with him? You said that it was a very brief relationship.

did you know immediately that he was engaged to someone else?

you have blocked him for having any contact with you so did YOU simply use him as a sperm donor? Please forgive me if this sounds insensitive but WTF did you think that you were doing?

OP agree with mamalovesfajitos

Did he reply op? I

OP- I would like to jump in as a single mum who has nothing to do with dds father (he is alos foreign) I can safely say that I have no regrets. yes it's a struggle but it's worth it. You are a lot younger than me though. I was 30 when I had dd. I do resent this idea that the child is going to have a shit life if the father is not involved; my dd is a happy little girl and I could have not terminated her as I knew i had enough love to give; as do my family.

Forget about theman op; what does your heart tell you to do? Do you want the baby or not. Many couples divorce bitterly; would they wish away their dc because mummy and daddy din't work out? Just saying.

You do have to think though at 24 if you are ready to go it alone but the tone of this thread that dc born to single mums are not worth being born is actually quite offensive.

Does it really matter why the op got pregnant; she is. Sod the bloody man; he is irrelevant; what about the baby?

OP- if you could not consider an abortion then don't do it just because a bunch of smug marrieds tells you it's best for you. Seek councelling. I knew very, very strongly that I would keep dd with minimum support and yres it is bloody hard work but then most of my married mum friends find it bloody hard work too. I am pro choice btw but it seems to me that you want to keep baby. Can you afford it?

I have to add though; do not think that a child will broing you back togather. I havn't seen my dds father for 3 years; thank goodness in retrospect!

And when I look at dd I do not feel gutted that I lost her dad; I feel delighted that I gained a lovely little girl. He's the losser and I am continuing with my career. Forget him op but think hard about what YOU want; are you ready to be a single mum?

I'm also quite shocked by the assumptions in this thread that abortion is your only realistic option. Totally agree with toptramp.
I became pregnant at 24 and while it is fairly young, it is not that young.

You mention family and friends - are they nearby? practical? would they help?

Thank you Laugs for backing me up; I also find it so hypocritical as on another thread a 39 year old women is being told to keep the darling baby and she has very similar circumstances (in fact worse as very dodgy dad is actually living near to the op even though they are not together). This thread has confirmed to me how ageist mumsnet is. there is the feeling on here that young mums= bad mums. Bollocks to that. Do you want this baby op?

I loved dds dad op very much but I no longer pine over him. i do think about him and I am grateful that he gave me such a lovely dd but at no point has my heart been torn in twain when I look at her face and see him; quite the opposite in fact!

I am actually quite disgusted by this thread tbh. Poor op needs a balanced view and a bloody good councellor.

Gosh!!! How can abortion be the only solution?? I'm in awe of some of my dear fellow MNetters!

OP, I wish there were a 'right' answer to give you but whatever you decide, you can do it. If you decide this is all too much and have a termination, it's okay. If you keep the baby, you will do fine. This very much comes down to what you are capable of at the moment and only you can decide. Go easy on yourself though and bear in mind that at this point, you're the most important person in this. Do consider calling Brook Advisory on 0800 0185 023-I understand they have advice aimed at your age range.

Sending you a hug to keep you upright x

I agree with Looby; both will work out just fine and only op can decide. I have been there op and it is a thoroughly shit place to be. I kept dd as I was older than you and my options were therefore more limited. I'm not going to lie; it's tough. I am not anti abortion I am just anti telling someone that their child is going to have a shit life as dad isn't involved it's not ifdeal but people manage especially nowadays.

Er, I'm not a 'smug married' (hate that term) I'm a single mother who was younger than op when I got pregnant. This is a public forum, op has been assured that only she can make the decision and encouraged to talk.

Yes, many of us have mentioned termination as an option, and I know it offends some but sometimes people need to know that it's ok for them to consider it. Pro-life campaigns can scare people when it's not always appropriate. I'm just trying to help. Maybe I was out of line? I'll reflect on that.

Loobyloo - is 24 considered 'young' then? (genuine question)

While I felt young, it was only really in relation to the other mums I met who were generally 30+, married, owned houses etc. I had been living away from home for 6 years by then. I knew how to look after myself.

Mamalovesmojitos, I don't think anyone has been offended by abortion being an option, just the idea that it is the only one. But perhaps that impression only came from a few posts from different people in quick succession. I was shocked at the way everyone seemed to agree, not any post in particular.

I am a bit younger than you, with a child. No father around - twat left after DS was born BUT even though it is a struggle, it is also wonderful.

I love my son. It has not ruined my life in any way, just changed it. I still have lots of opportunity. I am working through my degree and looking forward to the future.

Good luck from me too :)

I like loobyloo's advice more than lubeybooby.... You'll be fine either way! Abortion is not an easy fix, and shouldnt be made to sound like one. It can be just as hard as keeping the baby, or just as straightforward if you have support around you. I think you should switch on your phone, and give him the opportunity to make contact before making a decision...

Yes, Laugs, I see, I think it's merely chance that the first glut of posts were all mentioning abortion. Still, doesn't make those posters opinions less valid I suppose. It's complicated. Hope op is ok.

and my DS is also a happy little boy. TBH, because he has no memory of his dad at all he is not even aware that something is missing!

You and your baby can both have a wonderful life together if that's what you choose.

You can work to make a secure life for your child. If you are not in that position now you can work towards it while your child is young and it makes no huge difference to them!

Oh, I'll chip in for balance again.

DD has never met her father, never will I doubt (his choice), she is 3.6 and shows no signs of being unhappy, unbalanced, unloved. She is adored by many, I have a man that adores her (recent addition to our family), we are very happy.

Take time, be kind to yourself. Whatever decision you make, it's right for you

What an awful situation OP. I do hope you make a decision you're happy with.

Your dilemma feels quite familiar to me; my mum found herself in a similar situation. My dad went home to the middle east to marry a girl his family chose, and she chose to have me alone, although he urged her to have an abortion.

It was a struggle for her, but I don't think she regretted it.

If you want the baby, there will be a way, even without the father. If you don't feel able to, don't beat yourself up about it, you need to look after yourself.