Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I donk know what to think, its complicated

108 replies

feelinginsecure · 07/01/2012 08:46

Dp and I have been trying for a baby, i have just had 2nd miscarriage and it is looking unlikely that i will be able to have a baby.

Dp has from a previous relationship, who are almost 5 years old. His ex had stopped him from seeing them for 4 and half years, he had been going through the courts for access for 4 and half years. His ex has stated that he was violent and abusive etc, the twins have autism and it was looking very unlikely he would get access.

Anyhow at Christmas (without telling me) he sent his ex a text, saying that he had, had enough of Courts, wasnt going to win, so would give up now, but that he would always love them and if they ever needed anything etc, etc. She texted back and said he can now see them, so they were texting and phoning back and forth for a few days before he even told me.

The arrangements are he can see them whenever he wants, but he has to go to her house and she has to be there. His ex is constantly phoning and texting him telling him all her buisness and problems.

To add to this, Dp proposed to me in October, so after my recent miscarriage i suggested that we start planning our wedding so we had something positive to focus on. He was less than keen and says he thinks we should wait.

Am i being unreasonable for feeling insecure and is dp being sensible?

OP posts:
startwig1982 · 07/01/2012 08:56

It sounds like he's got enough going on at the moment and wants to concentrate building a relationship with the twins. As for his ex, she sounds a bit needy and lonely. I wouldn't worry too much. Maybe you could suggest going with him to see the twins and get a bit more involved? Congrats on getting engaged!!

kreechergotstuckupthechimney · 07/01/2012 08:56

I think you need to seperate all these things out.
Why do you think it's unlikely you'll have a baby?
Why would his ex stop him seeing his DDs?
Why would she suddenly relent after a text?
Do you really want to marry a man who blows hot and cold?
I have to go out now, but will be back later. I am sure you'll have had many more repsonses by then.

skybluepearl · 07/01/2012 09:02

how long have you been trying to concieve? if it's longer than a year (6 months if over 35) then get yourself to the GP

Original poster
feelinginsecure · 07/01/2012 09:05

Thanks for the reply Startwig, apparently his ex has split up with her partner, hence the change of mind about him seeing the twins. He says that he doesnt think its a good idea for me to get involved, i can see that he may be scared of her changing her mind again, but he is taking his mum next week.

I suppose i am feeling very left out and perhaps a bit jealous, that now all that seems important to him is the twins. Even when i was in hospital miscarrying, she was phoning and he was leaving the room so they could chat. I understand that they must come first, but at certain times i would expect him to say look now is not a good time kind of thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
feelinginsecure · 07/01/2012 09:11

Kreechergot

Because of my age and 2 failed attempts

His ex stopped him from seeing the kids when she met someone else.

She suddenly relented because she has split up with her ex. In Court she painted him as a violent and abusive monster for 4 and half years, who she was scared off etc, etc. She lied. Now he can go to her house whenever he wants!

Do i really want to marry a man who blows hot and cold, thats the bit im not sure of now.

OP posts:
saadia · 07/01/2012 09:11

It sounds as though he wants to keep ex happy so that he doesn't jeopardise having access to the dcs, and this is perfectly understandable but she does sound unstable. At this stage I think you have to let him have this time and let him handle it his way. But, and maybe someone with more legal knowledge will know better, perhaps he should get the new access agreement formalised somehow so ex doesn't suddenly decide that he can't see them.

IDontThinkSoDoYOU · 07/01/2012 09:12

I feel very sorry for both you and your dp. I can see you need looking after right now and in an ideal world you would be first right now. He has been denied his children for years and now sees a chance and is grabbing it. At worst, it's unfortunate timing.

Wishing you good fortune.

Original poster
feelinginsecure · 07/01/2012 09:14

Sky I am over 35, i seem to have no problems concieving, its the carrying a baby. First miscarriage i thought just unlucky, 2nd im starting to think its something to do with me, rather than luck. I have made an appointment for the GP next week.

OP posts:
ToothbrushThief · 07/01/2012 09:15

I think he has to work at a relationship with his DC. If that means little steps with the ex right now he has to do it.

It cannot work like this forever (access away from you) but give it time.

I'd feel insecure but you cannot minimise this insecurity by changing one of the factors which is his emerging relationship with his DC

ToothbrushThief · 07/01/2012 09:16

OP - I can't express how I feel about your situation because I feel huge sympathy. Have you got a good friend who you can pour it all out to?

GP is a very good idea

ledkr · 07/01/2012 09:29

op-just to say,i had my dd2 last yr at 44,concieved naturally after 4 yrs.I had 2 mc too.Never give up.
It very hard for you to be grieving for your babies whilst he already has 2. Poor you.
I think you should get to the bottom of why he was banned from seeing his children tho.
In the meantime reassure yourself that as he has gone to such lengths to see his dc he will hopefully be a good Dad to your eventual children.
When i mc it was hard to believe i would ever have a normal pg but many many do.

Original poster
feelinginsecure · 07/01/2012 09:32

Thanks everyone, i can totally understand that he is trying to keep his ex happy because of the twins, but i also feel that he has to establish some ground rules ie he is there for the kids, not his ex and that sometimes, you have to have a sense of priority ie you do not act as your ex's shoulder to cry on, while your partner is having a miscarriage in hospital.

Surely any man, would say look can i phone you back or something along those lines?

OP posts:
Original poster
feelinginsecure · 07/01/2012 09:35

Thanks Ledkr, that really does give me some hope. Problem is i am now questioning everything ie do i want to marry him, do i want to have a baby with him after all this. Just not sure if perhaps, i am blowing it out of proportion, overeating etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
feelinginsecure · 07/01/2012 09:40

Ledkr, his ex banned him from seeing the children because she met someone else, had a baby with another man and the kids called this other guy dad.

Dp then went to court to try and get access. Her reasons for stopping dp from seeing the kids (as per the court papers) were that he was violent and as the kids had autism she would have to supervise any access and she wasnt prepared to do that, as she was scared of him.

OP posts:
Emmac50 · 07/01/2012 09:53

I think you need a full and frank talk. No shouting no nothing. Just ask how he feels about the whole thing. Sound like he has a lot of things he HAS to do. Maybe with a Bit of understanding it will all make sense and you and him will feel more calm and relaxed about it all.

Re mc when I was having mine last year there was a news article saying a lady had 10 then went onto having a full term healthy baby. Don't give up hope xx

Jasper · 07/01/2012 09:59

I am incensed on your partner's behalf that she stopped him seeing his children for four and a half years. That is tragic.
It's a complete bummer he now has to keep her sweet in order for him to get to know his OWN children.

Why did she refuse access?
Why did she get away with that, Ie why did the courts not grant him access?

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 07/01/2012 10:05

I thinki it's understandable that he is jumping when his ex says jump at the moment. Not that that will help you, but he is not doing it for her he's doing it to see his children, and that is a good thing.

If she is that unstable she could react very badly to being told to wait, and now that dp is so close to building a relationship with his dc he is not going to do anything that jeopardises that. His children deserve for him to put them first.

I think you need to make up your mind about how long you are prepared to wait to make wedding plans. He wouldn't have asked you if he didn't want to marry you, and if you are going to marry him, you need to be able to tell him that you are feeling insecure at the moment and need his support. I would tell him again that you want to start wedding planning, and if you are happy to do most of it then there is no reason why he should mind. If he does mind, then you need to have a re think about marrying him, but I would make it clear to him how you are feeling first.

harassedandherbug · 07/01/2012 10:06

I think you have two separate issues here.

Can I just try and give you a little hope re having a baby? I'm 41 and sat here feeding my 6 day old son after a mmc last Jan and mc in Mar. It is possible! There's lots if advice on MN, its been a life saver for me.

Original poster
feelinginsecure · 07/01/2012 10:12

Emma we have had lots of talks, first he thought the getting married thing was a good idea. He then said it was a big step and wasnt sure he was ready right now. I thought this is something you think about before you ask someone to marry you, not after. When i say things like this, he says i am probably emotional right now. I feel, yes i probably am, which is why i need some reassurance etc.

We have also spoke about the twin arrangements and i have told him i understand he just has to go along with whatever she wants right now, but that he should be working towards seeing them on his own etc. I asked if he has spoken to her about working towards this and he says no, he says she wont allow this and they are now planning days out etc. When they speak or text, its never about the twins. I feel they are both carrying on as if they are getting back together.

OP posts:
Original poster
feelinginsecure · 07/01/2012 10:17

Jasper, she told the court he was violent and as the kids have autism they would need someone familar with them when contact took place and she wasnt prepared to do this as she was scared of him. So the court could not order access. During this time the kids were going through the process of diagnosis, so lots of lots of adjournments for reports etc, etc which is why it was taking so long.

OP posts:
Jasper · 07/01/2012 10:18

Was he violent or was that a lie?

mrspepperpotty · 07/01/2012 10:18

Lots of sympathy for you and your partner, and even his ex - if she's just split up with her partner and is trying to care for autistic twins then she is having a difficult time too. That doesn't excuse the lies she told about your partner of course.

I think you need to try and move past the phone call while you were having a miscarriage - this was very insensitive, but it was a single incident. It would be a pattern of lack of support from him that would worry me more.

You say he doesn't want to talk about wedding plans at the moment - this is understandable I think, as there is a lot going on for him. Does he still want to try and have a baby with you? That would demonstrate his long term commitment to you.

Original poster
feelinginsecure · 07/01/2012 10:24

He says he wasnt, he has never been violent to me and the fact that she is now prepared for him to go to her house and be alone with him, would suggest that it was a lie.

Seems the reason she has now had a sudden change of heart is the fact that she has now split up with her partner.

OP posts:
Original poster
feelinginsecure · 07/01/2012 10:32

Mrspepper, he thinks we should have a break from trying for a baby, due to the fact i have had 2 miscarriages in 6 months. I feel like everything has changed since the contact with his ex started, the trying for a baby, the wedding etc. He says i am being oversensitive, perhaps i am.

OP posts:
Jasper · 07/01/2012 10:36

This woman is a piece of work.
She lies that he is violent, stops him seeing his children, costs him money in court, then changes her tune when it suits. I absolutely despair at the way some women act in these situations ( I know of an almost identical case - the children are now 10 and 8)

Swipe left for the next trending thread