I donk know what to think, its complicated

[feelinginsecure]

Dp and I have been trying for a baby, i have just had 2nd miscarriage and it is looking unlikely that i will be able to have a baby.

Dp has from a previous relationship, who are almost 5 years old. His ex had stopped him from seeing them for 4 and half years, he had been going through the courts for access for 4 and half years. His ex has stated that he was violent and abusive etc, the twins have autism and it was looking very unlikely he would get access.

Anyhow at Christmas (without telling me) he sent his ex a text, saying that he had, had enough of Courts, wasnt going to win, so would give up now, but that he would always love them and if they ever needed anything etc, etc. She texted back and said he can now see them, so they were texting and phoning back and forth for a few days before he even told me.

The arrangements are he can see them whenever he wants, but he has to go to her house and she has to be there. His ex is constantly phoning and texting him telling him all her buisness and problems.

To add to this, Dp proposed to me in October, so after my recent miscarriage i suggested that we start planning our wedding so we had something positive to focus on. He was less than keen and says he thinks we should wait.

Am i being unreasonable for feeling insecure and is dp being sensible?

Would also add, i understand that seeing his kids is a very big deal, but as someone said earlier in the thread, is this really an excuse to blow hot and cold with me?

This is a time when i am feeling insecure about everything, i feel not because i am an insecure person, but because he is blowing hot and cold.

Jasper, i know she was literally saying in Court in November that he was monster, who she was petrified off. Yet a month later, he is going to her house and she is on the phone to him every 2 minutes!

I also asked him whether he had kept the texts on his phone, in case she changed her mind and he has deleted them, which is something else which doesnt make sense. He says that he has had enough of the lies and going to court, which is why he didnt keep them.

If he goes along with seeing the children on her terms in the meantime , she will have no leg to stand on in court ( claiming he is violent and he scares her)
So he may be able to go through the courts at a later date, with more success. it might be seen in court that she LIED
In court about his alleged violence and she could be in serious trouble.

In the meantime you are now in the same position as millions of others whose partners have children from previous relationships, and whose partners have to maintain a relationship with their ex because of this.

Only you know whether the relationship is worth this hassle.

Re getting married and ttc; I can totally see why your dp would put the brakes on this in the meantime.

Do you fear she wants him back?
do you fear he wants HER back?

It would be sensible for him to keep texts on his phone, ones showing her happily making arrangements for you to see the children

Jasper, im not sure what to make of her to be honest, i think she probably does. As for dp, i dont think he does want her back. I dont think this is his intention at the moment and he says that he would never go back to her.

But he is brilliant with the kids (he took a video of the boys when he last visited them) and i have seen how he interacts with them. She is saying things like she regrets what she did and her family are telling her he was the best thing to happen to her etc. Before i miscarried, he was saying to me things like, he was really looking forward to being here everyday for our baby, as he had missed out on this with the twins. I cant help thinking, that perhaps he may well feel this way about the twins and want to be there everyday for them too.

Yes , I can totally see why this would make you feel insecure. He now has a huge additional claim on his love that was not there before.

But one can love ones children overwhelmingly and love a partner too.

Do you now feel third best in his affections ?

No not at all, i am really happy for him, i do not feel threatened by the twins at all. I cant wait to meet them eventually. I totally understand his affection and love for the twins.

Its his ex, all the phone calls and texting about things which are totally unrelated to the kids. I feel he needs to make it clear to her, that he is there for the twins, not her. Obviously i understand that they have to talk, as they have children together.

You are both grieving atm over the loss of your babies. I do think sometimes the people don't realise that miscarriages have an affect on the father as well as the mother, iyswim.

That coupled with the sudden agreement that he can see his children must be playing havoc with his brain. He is probably afraid that if he says no to anything (be it a phone call, a conversation, a request of any kind) that she will change her mind again and he will be back to square one.

I think you need to give it a bit of time. Let the business with his kids settle down over the next month or so, and then think about the wedding.

In the meantime, don't give up on having a baby yourself. Medically speaking, two miscarriages (although devastating to the person who has them) are not an indication that you won't carry a baby full term.

Be nice to yourself. Let yourself grieve. Let him spend a bit of time getting to know the kids, and reassess the situation in three months time. Don't make any hasty decisions now, while you are both at such low points.

Have a few (mumsnetty or unmumsnetty, I don't care) {{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}} and look after yourself .

His exP sounds like my DHs exP (see my post on Legal Matters for the back story). She too has accused my DH of DV and even against his own son (all lies). These women make me sick. Definitely, definitely keep all texts as proof. What's to stop her changing her mind about access if she meets someone else? She is using the kids as a weapon and as control over your partner.

Whilst he will be eager to bend over backwards and be at her beck and call, so he can see the kids, by doing this he is letting her "win" with her control over your lives (it's not a game but you get my drift...). You really need to get back into the Courts and get something sorted on a Court Order so they have control, not her, and it can be seen that she is lying.

I say to myself if you get together with a man who already has kids you have to see it as part of a package, unfortunately it's not always ideal but these women will have some part in their lives until the kids are 16 at least. Our situation pisses me off no end at times but it's what I signed up for! I guess this is the decision you have to deal with before committing yourself to getting wed.

All the best.

It's threads like this where I would be interested to see what the XP's side of the story is.

OP, How do you know his XP decsribed him as violent and abusive and she was terrified of him?

Have you listened to any of his conversations with her?

Frankly, I am surprised a family court would agree to no contact for 4 and a half years based on what you have said.

Thank you harassed, sorry i missed your post, congrats to you. It really does help to hear that its not impossible, i was feeling all doom and gloom. Thank you.

Littlemiss, i have read the court paperwork. As i said earlier the problem was the boys were in the process of diagnosis and court was adjourned several times for diagnosis which took years. His ex was saying he was saying he was violent and she did not want any contact with him. So court was adjourned, so dp could find a contact centre. His ex was saying the children had severe behavioural problems and someone who knew them would have to supervise contact and that she was not prepared to do this, due to violence.

A court can order contact, they cannot order his ex to supervise contact.

Bigno, that is how exactly how i feel, dp has to go along with everything she says otherwise she probably would stop contact. I dont think we can on like this forever. It seems her plans are to get him back and what happens if he wont agree to this. Which is why i think they need to establish what the goal is here, him eventually having contact with the boys, without her being present.

Dp is saying he is not prepared to go back to court.

I have to say that i too am angry when Mums keep their kids from seeing a father for no good reason My ex cheated on me and is a bit of a waste of space tbh,but i strive to keep my dc's in contact with him,including arranging contact and transporting them to see him cos hes never got any money apparently. It would be far easier to get on with my nice new marriage and bay and forget about him but not best for the dc,s.

So just to clarify...the twins are almost 5. They were suspected of autism before they were 6 months old, and while diagnostic tests were being done, the court agreed that unsupervised access would not be in the twins best interests, with their suspected autism, the X wouldn't supervise access because she is apparently afraid of your P, and he couldn't find a contact centre where he could see them.

Roll on 4 and a half years, the twins have been diagnosed as autistic and haven't seen their father since they were under 6 months old, only now the X has split with her partner, she has done a complete u turn and is letting him inside her house and has said he can see the twins whenever he wants?

Is that right or have I got that wrong?

Littlemiss IME you wouldn't believe how much crap these women can get away with if they lay it on thick enough, as obviously they have to take it all seriously. My DHs exP could be Oscar nominated! My DHs case has been ongoing for four years, waiting for reports etc from various agencies can prolong the time it takes to get stuff sorted.

Thanks Maryzed for the unmumsnetty hug. General opinion seems to be that i am being unreasonable (although you have all said it in a very nice way, thank you) Perhaps i need to rethink my thinking.

Does your DP get Legal Aid? Can understand if he doesn't want to go back to Court if there are financial implications, but if he gets LA then you'd think he'd want to get something sorted officially in case she does a U turn....

Agree with Bignorkz.

It may be foolish of your OH to rely on a woman who has lied about him in court, denied him access to their DC, and had him jumping through hoops for 4 and a half years. I understand he wants things to remain amicable to ensure he can see his DC, but they will only remain amicable as long as his X decides they will.

Far better to get a contact order arranged through court and stick to that.

Littlemiss, no sorry i was giving a very brief description of events.

They split up when the twins were 6 months old. She said from the start that dp could not see them. He then started court proceedings which took a while to get to court, dp tried arranging mediation etc, which she didnt turn up for.

By the time it got to court, the twins were suspected of having autism, she was saying dp was violent etc, the court could not make a decision without a diagnosis, which took years and court was adjourned several times pending reports etc.

They finally received their diagnosis about a year ago. She was saying that dp was violent, so Court said to find a contact centre. Dp found contact centre, she then said that twins had severe behavioural problems and contact would have to be supervised by someone who the twins knew and that she wasnt prepared to do that.

Dp's solicitor told him it wasnt looking good and after 4 and half years dp decided he had, had enough. Sent her text saying he had enough and wasnt going to go to Court anymore. She then replied saying he could see them.

No he doesnt Bignorkz, but his decision was not based on money (although we dont have much) it was more based on whatever he did, he wasnt going to win and he had, had enough, it all just seemed pointless to him.

So how often is he seeing them now? Is it always at her house?

Little, she has said he can see the twins whenever he wants to, he has to go to her house and she has to be there. He is seeing them once a week on his day off of work. If he wants to take them out, she has to go too. All of which i understand, as he hasnt seen them for 4 and half years and they have autism.

But she is saying this will always have to be the arrangement ie she will always have to be there. I am saying he needs to be straight with her and tell her that his goal is to work towards seeing them unsupervised by her (obviously he doesnt have to tell her this immediately) But he is not prepared to tell her this, just in case she stops access.

I agree feelinginsecure.

I understand your OH's fears that she will do another U turn, but surely unsupervised access would be better for everyone in the long run.