I donk know what to think, its complicated

[feelinginsecure]

Dp and I have been trying for a baby, i have just had 2nd miscarriage and it is looking unlikely that i will be able to have a baby.

Dp has from a previous relationship, who are almost 5 years old. His ex had stopped him from seeing them for 4 and half years, he had been going through the courts for access for 4 and half years. His ex has stated that he was violent and abusive etc, the twins have autism and it was looking very unlikely he would get access.

Anyhow at Christmas (without telling me) he sent his ex a text, saying that he had, had enough of Courts, wasnt going to win, so would give up now, but that he would always love them and if they ever needed anything etc, etc. She texted back and said he can now see them, so they were texting and phoning back and forth for a few days before he even told me.

The arrangements are he can see them whenever he wants, but he has to go to her house and she has to be there. His ex is constantly phoning and texting him telling him all her buisness and problems.

To add to this, Dp proposed to me in October, so after my recent miscarriage i suggested that we start planning our wedding so we had something positive to focus on. He was less than keen and says he thinks we should wait.

Am i being unreasonable for feeling insecure and is dp being sensible?

Toothbrush, sorry perhaps i gave the wrong impression, i have been pouring out how i feel on this thread, not all of which i have discussed with dp. As i said earlier i do not expect dp to discuss anything with his ex this early on, but that doesnt stop him from discussing his intentions with me.

Dp just phoned from work and we had a brief chat (he phoned to say happy anniversary and to look in my wardrobe, where he had left a card and present. How bad do i feel, i had totally forgotten and its 3 years today, not 3 and half years as i said yesterday in this thread)

He is saying that we had just lost a baby and thats why he didnt want to make wedding plans and that he hated to see me in pain, upset etc when i lost the baby and didnt want to see me go through that again. Which is understandable.

Im not going to mention anything about the arrangements for the kids yet and wait a while as people have suggested.

I suppose it boils down to trust, without trust in a relationship there is nothing. He has done a couple of things which have made me have doubts, but nothing so serious that the trust has gone completely. I will put these down to mistakes for now.

Thanks everyone for your time and advice, it has really helped me at a time when i felt i had no one to talk to.

My first thought is that I think there is a big red flag if a man is brushing your concerns aside calling you "hormonal", "emotional", "oversensitive", in this way invalidating your thoughts and concerns and dont want to address them.

Do you know for a fact that he has been going to court for access, or is this just something he has told you?

Quintess, in all fairness, i had just lost a baby and probably was hormonal and emotional etc. But as you say, its no excuse not to address my concerns.

The going to court is fact, i have seen and read the court papers. I have been here when he has taken days off of work to go to court.

Ok, I missed your post about reading the court papers.

Aside from the fact that this man has been fighting tooth and nail to see his children, there is so much going on here that I think you are right to be concerned.

1. His ex refusing contact with the children. That is a very drastic step, unless really scared for own and childrens' safety.
2. The timing. Her suddenly being single, you having miscarried for the second time, and them starting to build bridges.
3. His lack of support for you.
4. Him brushing aside your valid concerns as "emotional and hysterical".

I think you are right to question your relationship, and should definitely hold off with any wedding plans. You are seeing a new side to him now. You have supported him throughout the court case (I assume), you have been battling together, but now, there is no battle. She is no longer the enemy and the two of you are no longer united in a cause, the ex is one to keep sweet, and that come as a cost to you. No wonder you feel sidelined! Your entire relationship has been a battle for his rights to see these children. Have YOU ever been a focus?

1. She claimed in court papers that he was violent, abusive and basically a monster and that she was petrified of him, hence no contact. I find this hard to believe as a) he has never been violent, abusive to me, can a monster really change so drastically from one relationship to another. b) she is now happy for him to have contact and go to her house and is constantly phoning/texting etc.

I think it is more likely that she got a new man in her life, shortly after they split, had a baby with him and was quite happy for him to play dad or perhaps the new man in her life put pressure on her. As now he is gone she is more than happy for dp to have contact.

1. Dp has been fighting for 4 and half years. I miscarried after contact, not before. It would appear that the sudden change of heart on her part is to do with her splitting up with her partner. I do believe her intentions are not focussed purely on the kids. Dp tells me his intentions are the kids.

1. He hasnt been supporting me as he should which has fuelled my concerns.

1. He did brush my concerns aside, he didnt say "hysterical" but emotional.

Yes i have supported him through the court cases and agree with what you are saying, you make a very good point. The wedding and the trying for a baby are most certainly on hold, as his doubts have made me doubt too.

We were quite happy before this, i do feel since his ex decided he could have contact everything has changed.

Hi Feeling

Pleased to hear he remembered your anniversary. Reading through your updates from yesterday what is standing out for me is how incredibly lonely and sad you sound. Your whole life is up in the air and what probably seemed exciting and full of hope a few months ago is scary and changeable right now. The first thing I feel someone needs to say to you is that it is ok to feel like that. Even if you were being "emotional" in the circumstances THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT.

It is normal to be emotional after a terrible loss. It is normal to be concerned about your partners life changing so dramatically and normal to be worried if he is deliberately excluding you from that. It is also normal to want something to look forward to, although being honest with you I am a bit worried you might be looking to the wedding as a way to pin him down with all this going on. Trust me if he wants to go he will, a wedding will bring more heartache. I really, really feel like you need some support and kindness and I am so worried that you dont seem to be getting that. I hope it doesnt sound patronising but you must be allowed to grieve and have room to feel that. All this with his ex and kids is really important but SO ARE YOU.

Have you hit the pregnancy loss board at all - it might help you to seperate out the issues - go and talk about your fears and feelings over one issue and then look at the other. Stepparents is also great for second partners - I know you are not technically a step parent right now but many, many of us have been through similiar and can give you a fairly safe place to talk about your feelings and fears, plus a shoulder to cry on should you need it.