I donk know what to think, its complicated

[feelinginsecure]

Dp and I have been trying for a baby, i have just had 2nd miscarriage and it is looking unlikely that i will be able to have a baby.

Dp has from a previous relationship, who are almost 5 years old. His ex had stopped him from seeing them for 4 and half years, he had been going through the courts for access for 4 and half years. His ex has stated that he was violent and abusive etc, the twins have autism and it was looking very unlikely he would get access.

Anyhow at Christmas (without telling me) he sent his ex a text, saying that he had, had enough of Courts, wasnt going to win, so would give up now, but that he would always love them and if they ever needed anything etc, etc. She texted back and said he can now see them, so they were texting and phoning back and forth for a few days before he even told me.

The arrangements are he can see them whenever he wants, but he has to go to her house and she has to be there. His ex is constantly phoning and texting him telling him all her buisness and problems.

To add to this, Dp proposed to me in October, so after my recent miscarriage i suggested that we start planning our wedding so we had something positive to focus on. He was less than keen and says he thinks we should wait.

Am i being unreasonable for feeling insecure and is dp being sensible?

Just asked my DH what he reckons, he says he'd jump at the chance at getting something sorted in court whilst she was being "reasonable"! Surely now she hasn't got a leg to stand on with regards to being petrified of him if she's being letting him see the kids. Could he self-represent to keep costs down?

Or does he think she'll make another allegation if he suggests getting a Court Order? (if this is the case then that's just another example of her control over him which needs nipping in the bud!)

It sounds like his ex has him by the short and curlies, for whatever reason....

It also sounds very stressful for both of you, and potentially distruptive for the twins if his ex suddenly changes her mind about access.

I think your DH really needs to get legal advice.

Exactly littlemiss, you would think that she would be glad of a break, but i dont think that is what her intentions are and all the while dp just keeps plodding along with it, without making his intentions clear, she will think he is happy with the arrangements.

Bignorkz, i think he just so happy to be seeing them, he doesnt want to rock the boat. He has seen how she can lie and be believed in Court and he doesnt want to go through that again.

If this carries on I think this is really going to affect your relationship with him (bearing in mind that you're both still grieving as well). It would piss me off big time and i would be very bitter that she could control him this way and he's too blind to see it How does she feel about you getting involved?

Thats how i feel Bignorkz, they are now planning days out etc, something i feel he shouldnt do until he can have them unsupervised. All the while he goes along with it, she isnt going to let him have them unsupervised. He is also taking his mum with him next week.

He hasnt asked how she would feel about me being involved.

Sorry, I don't think you've had the whole truth about this and I don't think you're getting the truth about his current motives either.

You're saying that his ex has managed to persuade a court he is violent, with no corroborating evidence from police of DV agencies, not just once but several times?

He is deleting communications with her, keeping stuff secret from you, getting cold feet about committing to you and is only doing this because it means he can have a relationship with his children?

Is it possible that he was indeed violent to her, regrets that now and seeing as the other man is now out of the picture, is hopeful of rebuilding a romantic, rather than co-parent relationship with her?

Put your logical head on, rather than the version you want to believe. So much of this doesn't stack up.

So looks like i am being a bit unreasonable and feeling insecure is my problem and i need to deal with it.

Dp was saying, i was being unreasonable, hormonal, over sensitive etc. Thanks everyone, for helping me to get some perspective on this, i will try to relax a bit.

I sincerely hope you don't. I think you are being manipulated to hell and back.

That was my first impression too Hattytown.

Now I don't know what to think.

After reading some more of your posts, I can understand why your dp is trying to slow things down with regards to the wedding and the ttc. I can also understand why you are feeling horribly insecure ATM, but your dp's priority at the moment is and should be his children.

You say you understand that, but I'm not sure you really do.

You said that you think he needs to make it clear that he is there for the twins but not her, and it just doesn't work like that. I am very much in love with my dh, but when it comes to parenting stuff, the first person I go to is my ex. We have a good relationship and that is for the benefit of the dc, as well as ourselves. As an example, this week I phoned ex to chat about a residential school trip that is being offered to ds1 at secondary school. I wanted to see wht he though about whether he was ready (it's abroad and he has ASD). I am always calling about things like that, it enables us to work together for the children's sake. It's hard work sometimes but that is the way it should be. Being a parent is about having as good a relationship as possible with the other parent as well as being good with the children, and it's very sad and harder for everyone when that can't happen for whatever reason. If it can be done, it is much better if the parents can have some kind of friendship rather than barely speaking to each other at the doorstep on drop off or collecting times.

Your dp is going a good thing by trying to build a relationship with his ex. It sounds like a lot has gone on between them and not in a good way, but if they can put that behind them and build a good relationship then I wish them all the luck in the world and good on them.

I can also understand why the ex (mother of the twins) would be reluctant to start thinking about her children going out with their dad without her for the time being. Hopefully it will come in time, but there is no need for that to be pushed if she and your dp are happy with taking it slowly as they are at the moment, especially as they have ASD. The only benefit of pushing it would be to you, and I'm afraid you aren't the priority in this situation.

I'm really sorry if that sounds harsh, I feel awful for the position you are in and the way you are feeling at the moment, I really do.

But your dp is doing the right thing by putting his current children before any future children or his partner at the moment.

Lol Hatty, after my last post!

They didnt need evidence, as she was saying that she would not supervise contact because he was violent. A court cannot order her to supervise contact, with or without evidence of violence, that was her excuse for not wanting to supervise contact. She had persuaded a court that the twins needed to be supervised by someone they know due to the autism, that is what the Court were agreeing with.

I agree, i asked to see the texts and couldnt because he had deleted them, which seemed strange after spending 4 and half years of going to court, I didnt understand why he would do this either.

According to him, he hasnt had any contact with her for 4 and half years other than through Court, apart from sending the text at Christmas, he did not mention it to me, as he wasnt expecting a reply. He only found out she had split with her partner after this.

I am trying to put my logical head on, but due to circumstances i just wasnt sure just how logical it was iyswim hence this thread.

All this guy wants is contact with his children, I don't see why pushing him to go to court would help if he is getting contact at the moment without it.

Iuse, i can totally understand they need to talk about parenting issues etc, but that is not what they are talking about. She is phoning, texting him about things which are totally unrelated to the kids.

I can also understand that she doesnt want unsupervised contact for now, as they have autism and he hasnt seen them in years. But she is saying that it will always have to be like that and dp is not prepared to say anything about this. So potentially it will mean her going on days out, holidays etc, etc.

Iuse, i dont understand why he cant have contact with his children, while still trying for a baby with me (time is not on my side) and getting married (obviously not immediately, but setting a date for the future) is setting a date for a wedding really so much hassle?

I also havent pushed him to go to court, he has said that he doesnt want to go back to Court and i have explained his reasons on this thread when others have asked why he doesnt want to go through the Court.

Practically, of course he could. But mentally, it's a lot to have going on all at the same time. Only he can answer that question though, you need to ask him and then try and decide if his reasons are valid or are just making excuses.

I am just trying to work out whether i am being taken for a fool or whether i am being unreasonable for feeling/thinking like i am. I felt i was thinking straight regardless of the miscarriage, but perhaps it has had more of an impact on my thinking than i thought and i am doubting myself.

Anyhow i need to go out, will check back later. Thanks everyone for your replies.

I think you are being reasonable to be pissed off about her contacting him regularly about things that aren't to do with the kids, especially in light of her past behaviour.

The part that's concerning me is if DP is confident she won't do a u turn regarding contact (which he must be, as he is reluctant to sort it officially in court even though now it would be relatively easy to sort it) why he wouldn't tell her not to bother him/ignore her phone calls with stuff that's not kid-related out of respect for you and your relationship? How long have you actually been together?

He isnt confident that she will not do a u turn, quite the opposite, which is why he is going along with whatever she wants. Which in turn makes me feel, like this not going to be a temp measure, things will continue like this. When i mention this him, he just says, lets just wait and see, its early days. I understand that it is early days and i can deal with it short term, but i dont see how things are ever going to change unless he is prepared to discuss his long term goals with her eventually.

We have been together for 3 and half years.

He isn't confident she won't do a u turn. That's why he needs to get it sorted officially whilst she's being reasonable. I know you say he doesn't want to go back to court because he'd had enough and won't win but this is not the case now, assuming your DP is keeping the texts.

You're right, this is not going to be a temporary measure, it's only going to get worse. He'll obviously do anything to keep her sweet! How long before that starts encroaching on your relationship? Has he got something official sorted re maintenance payments? That'll probably be the next thing she's bribing him with if not.

Don't get me wrong it's great that he's seeing the kids again regularly after so long but it needs to be fair on both sides, not just on her terms IYSWIM?

Has he been paying regular money since they were born?

Why did they split up when the twins were 6 months old?
How regularly was he seeing the twins before his wife banned contact?
What form did that contact take?
Did he take them to his own place or did he see them with his exW there?
How long after they split up did she ban it?
If he'd been in regular contact up until the ban, how did his wife manage to persuade a court that their suspected autism meant that they couldn't cope with care by a relative stranger, if he'd in fact been doing just that and wasn't a stranger?
Have you ever spoken to anyone in his family about their relationship and does their account of it match his?
Does it sound plausible to you that his wife would be this angry and bitter and had prevented herself from having a break from what was intense and overwhelming childcare, just because she had a new partner?
What reason does he give for deleting communications, other than putting the problem on to you and your 'hormonal hyper-sensitivity' ?
Does he usually blame you for either actual lies or lies of omission?

If he won't got to court would he attend a mediation session with her now? Just so there is something on paper that proves she was allowing access in case she does change her mind?

Bigknork, He has been paying regular money into an account for the twins since they split, which is something that he mentioned in his text to her.

He isnt keeping the texts and he is adamant that he doesnt want to go back to court. I have told him what i think about this, i dont see what else i can do, as it is his decision.

I see exactly what you mean.