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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

'I love you but I'm not in love with you' - what?!

104 replies

MardyPants · 12/12/2011 17:30

Have been with my DH 8 yrs, we got married in June. Last week he sprung on me that he feels we have marital difficulties, totally out of the blue. Am in shock as I thought we had a really good relationship. He says he's been bottling his feelings up since before the wedding and feels relieved it's now out in the open.

He says I haven't done anything wrong, he just feels we've grown apart, and gave me the 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' line. He says I give him too much freedom, as I rarely say no to him going out with his mates, but when I said I would like for him to go out less and do more stuff with me, he said, why does he want to go out with his mates though, rather than hang out with me? (I don't know the answer to that one!)

Am confused. What does 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' mean? Is there any coming back from this? Is it over?

OP posts:
LEttletownofBOFlehem · 12/12/2011 17:31

It means he's probably shagging someone else, sorry.

TheSpreadingChestnutTree · 12/12/2011 17:32

Was just going to say the same, sorry.

relaxingathome · 12/12/2011 17:34

That was the line my exH gave me when he was shagging someone else :(

relaxingathome · 12/12/2011 17:35

For him i think it was because he didn't want to be honest and tell the truth as he would lose al his security - he did in the end anyway

sternface · 12/12/2011 17:35

Never known this line to be uttered and it wasn't an affair.

Worse still, he appears to be saying it's your fault because you aren't controlling enough. What a cheek Angry

JamieComeHome · 12/12/2011 17:40

I agree. I think he's trying to tell you something. Possibly - I've fallen for someone else and it's your fault because you didn't stop me.

I hope I'm wrong

countingto10 · 12/12/2011 17:45

Another here whose DH was shagging someone else, sorry. I actually got the "I love you as the mother of my children" line but in essence, the same Sad

anothermum92 · 12/12/2011 17:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

TakenForAMug · 12/12/2011 17:52

Exactly the same here.

clam · 12/12/2011 17:54

Oh dear! Sad

TakenForAMug · 12/12/2011 18:01

Think back, has anything changed in the last few months? Is he critical, distant, or picking petty arguments?

PieCherry · 12/12/2011 18:41

Another view - those were similar to the words I used to my ExH and I wasn't shagging anyone. Including him! But things were not good in our relationship.

We had 2 children, and I cared for him as their Dad, and for all our shared experiences, and the hope and joy at the beginning of our relationship, I ended up loving him as I would a close friend or a brother. But I didn't love him romantically anymore, a lot of what he did annoyed me, he had become really unafectionate and cold. The relationship had deteriorated for years, and we had talked of separating a couple of times, so although he would say it was a shock, it can't have been. That was 8 years ago, and our relationship is amicable, and where the kids are concerned very strong.

Best of luck my love, would relate help? It sounds like a genuine shock to you, and am sorry you are experiencing this.

whatstheetiquette · 12/12/2011 18:47

I was going to say the same - affair. Sad. Same happened to me.

MadAboutHotChoc · 12/12/2011 18:58

I had that line too Sad sorry about this but please be prepared to have your world turned upside down.

It came as a complete shock to me but when I really thought about it, I realised that things weren't great for quite a while, petty arguments, nit picking, distant OH etc, all of this went back to just before the affair started.

I didn't know he was having an affair (in fact I said that I didn't think he was shagging someone else because he wasn't the type) but because I felt I could not live with someone who didn't love me, I banished him to the spare room, stopped cooking, washing etc for him.

Prompted by MN, I also did a lot of digging - laptop, FB, emails, mobile etc and found evidence of an affair.

ScapeGoat · 12/12/2011 19:07

Yep - me too. My world turned upside down - it was horrendous and never thought I'd get through it BUT after the shock wore off (took about 2 months) I began to come to terms with things. A year (almost to the day) later, I am doing well realising there is a life without my husband.

What it's done to our son is another matter - but children become a low priority in their lives when they are high on lust endorphines.

Please don't listen to the rubbish he spouts about you - he is simply projecting his crap. This is nothing to do with you, this is all about him and his ishoos.

Sending you strength to get through this - it will be tough but you can do it!

Luminescence · 12/12/2011 19:09

Can you do some light snooping?

chubbasmum · 12/12/2011 19:26

OMG thats the same line my exh vomited on me as well its like they have a little book they all share i agree with the others MNs he is shagging some one and is trying to make himself feel better by blaming you.

sort out your bank account if its joint because it sounds as if he`s going soon and bet you things have already started disappearing in the house my ex did that but i was always one step ahead

Original poster
MardyPants · 12/12/2011 19:30

I don't think he is the affair type, when I first met him he was with someone else (although that was going really badly) and he didn't ask me out until about 3 months after they split up. He has been a bit grumpy recently but we got married and he turned 30 this year, which is a lot of change for anyone so I didn't really think anything of it. He has always had a lot of freedom as I work quite unsocial hours (some evenings, quite often weekends etc). He's not interested in relate or anything, says he's made his mind up.

Just told him now, if he's made his mind up there's nothing I can do, I'm not going to chase him and beg. (through stupid weepy tears obvs, grrr at myself.) Also said, if he's stupid enough to not change his mind, that's his loss. He agreed though!

thanks for all the support. it's sooo what I needed :)

OP posts:
Original poster
MardyPants · 12/12/2011 19:33

Also, I know his ex was a bit of a control freak, so have tried super hard to be the opposite, thought I was being Mrs Perfect Wife, by saying he could go out with his mates when he wanted! Thought that what's all blokes wanted!! Dammit!!!

OP posts:
BrianAndHisBalls · 12/12/2011 19:34

I thought it meant 'I love you [as a sister/mother of my children] but don't fancy you' ? A sort of, I thought I loved you but now the first rush of love has gone I'm finding it all a bit tiresome.

IMHO its usually prompted by feeling the 'new flush of love' with someone else, sorry Sad

ChildofIsis · 12/12/2011 19:35

I spent 28 years with someone who I would have sworn on DD's life would never have an affair.
Not only did he have an affair but a child to boot.

Be prepared for this to turn very sour on you.

Sorry.

TakenForAMug · 12/12/2011 19:37

They never are the affair type. Mine wasn't, until it turned out he was. My advice would be to get him to leave immediately, otherwise he will just continue seeing the other woman while you cook for him and wash his dirty pants and socks.

Get all your financial stuff in order asap. You can usually see a solicitor for half an hour for free (though I couldn't when this happened to me but I've seen it said on here often enough). Book yourself in for a full STI check as soon as you can too. Sorry this has happened to you. I know what a terrible shock it all is.

Catsmamma · 12/12/2011 19:38

he is phasing you out...whether or not he has replaced you already is neither here nor there.

Be prepared to move on with your life. x

TakenForAMug · 12/12/2011 19:40

Don't go over things you could have done differently. This isn't your doing, it's his. Nothing you did caused this, nothing you did could have prevented this. It is all down to him. If he wasn't happy he could have talked to you at any point. Please don't go down the route of beating yourself up and wondering what you did wrong. It will only make you feel worse.

BayPolar · 12/12/2011 19:42

What a bastard! To go through with the marriage instead of telling you before and splitting up then!
Unbelievable.
Selfish fck.
I hope you don't have kids with him and a pox on him and his future relationships, hope they come back to bite him in the selfish ass.

Saying 'why do you think I go out with my mates and not with you' was also very, very below the belt.
If he wasn't happy with you, he should NEVER have married you.
It reminds me of that recent thread of the new boyfriend of one woman who strung another woman along for 12 years and then ended it, even though he hadn't wanted to be with her for years.

Have a wonderful Christmas, get rid of him, surround yourself with friends, and move on.