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Original poster

'I love you but I'm not in love with you' - what?!

104 replies

MardyPants · 12/12/2011 17:30

Have been with my DH 8 yrs, we got married in June. Last week he sprung on me that he feels we have marital difficulties, totally out of the blue. Am in shock as I thought we had a really good relationship. He says he's been bottling his feelings up since before the wedding and feels relieved it's now out in the open.

He says I haven't done anything wrong, he just feels we've grown apart, and gave me the 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' line. He says I give him too much freedom, as I rarely say no to him going out with his mates, but when I said I would like for him to go out less and do more stuff with me, he said, why does he want to go out with his mates though, rather than hang out with me? (I don't know the answer to that one!)

Am confused. What does 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' mean? Is there any coming back from this? Is it over?

OP posts:
cobbledfield · 12/12/2011 19:44

I've namechanged to reply.
My dh said this completely out of the blue, when I was pregnant, and I couldn't understand why and what had changed. He'd been having an affair I later found out.

chubbasmum · 12/12/2011 19:45

lol i agree with Takenforamug they is never a type where affairs go , when i eventually found out my then husband was having an affair i actually laughed because he wasnt the type

Original poster
MardyPants · 12/12/2011 19:59

We have a joint account but for bills etc only, I have been checking the balance daily (not a lot in it anyway). All the rest of our money is separate. Asked him if there's someone else, he said no. Think I would rather not know tbh!! Asked him when he's moving out. And did not say 'good riddance' when he said he's found somewhere he can move into in the new year (he's currently in the guest room).

OP posts:
RandomMess · 12/12/2011 20:01

He's had this all planned out for some time!

Original poster
MardyPants · 12/12/2011 20:08

Re : going through with the wedding. He said he felt swept along by it all, also that he thought things would be different after the wedding. Surprised by his naivety. Told him if he had a problem he should've said, not just pretend it was all fine and bottle it all up til he felt like there was no way out other than this. I so thought we were just peachy fine!!
No there's no kids. He has been talking about kids for a while, but I wanted to do it the old fashioned way, married then kids. So now I'm like, OK, let's make a baby, he's like, no!! (I was like, yeah let's have kids BEFORE he dropped this little bombshell)

OP posts:
madonnawhore · 12/12/2011 20:14

I would bet £1,000 that he's having an affair.

So sorry you're having to deal with this shit OP.

Dozer · 12/12/2011 20:21

I had this line from a long-term ex, turned out he had met someone else, he got together with her v soon after leaving, may well have been an affair, but if not the intent was there.

He also told me it was my fault his feelings had changed because of things I'd done / wanted / aspects of my personality. At the time this all hurt most of all, and I believed him, but later realised that it was his way of avoiding guilt about leaving.

He has obviously taken the decision to go. Do not listen to anything negative that he says about you. Avoid him completely, cold turkey is best way, and move on.

sternface · 12/12/2011 20:27

He is either re-writing history saying he got caught up with the wedding, or the affair was going on before it. The more you post, the more obvious it is that he is having an affair. I sort of understand why you'd rather not know, but I think it will actually bring you some comfort, knowing that this isn't about you at all.

I'd ask him to leave sooner than the New Year. Say that you will want to spend this Christmas as you mean to go on and that you will need the support of friends and family, without him being around. It goes without saying that you must withdraw all labour and that he now has to get used to looking after himself in every way possible.

This is history repeating itself though. His ex probably wasn't a controlling woman at all, but it was convenient to paint her as such because he'd met you and after that, wanted to phase her out. Blaming first her and now you for why he got itchy feet is the refuge of a scoundrel. The problem is with him and no-one else, as this current OW will find out a while down the line. Wonder what 'role' she will play to try to be his perfect woman?

warmleatherette · 12/12/2011 20:31

I feel for you OP: am in similar situation as I got married to DH in May this year and have now had my entire life unravel (DH having affair since Nov 2010 yet married me in the middle of it).

Are you sure you don't want to know if he's having an affair? I lived with the niggling feeling that something was wrong for so long and wish I'd pursued it earlier. Only now it's all out in the open (and DH is out of my life) do I feel like 'myself' again.

clam · 12/12/2011 20:45

He wants to move out in the New Year because "she's" not ready until then. But he will deny her existence for the moment. Then, surprise, surprise he will "meet someone" very shortly afterwards.

God, you'd think they'd vary the script once in a while.

TakenForAMug · 12/12/2011 20:55

Do you really want him staying at yours until the NY? My guess is that he has arranged somewhere to move into with the OW. If she was single he could just go straight to her place. Given that he hasn't, I suspect she may also be married or in a relationship and is stalling for time. Either that or she still lives with her parents. She may end up not leaving after all and then where will he be? Don't run your life according to their timetable. Get him to leave now.

Original poster
MardyPants · 12/12/2011 21:02

I just kind of don't care if he's having an affair, it doesn't change anything, it's still over. I honestly thought I had married for life and I was so happy. It's a little comfort to know I'm not the only person who has ever been through this sort of shit, it really does feel that way! It's hard as my 2 best mates (who were bridesmaids) one is all loved up with her new man saving up for house deposit ; the other just had 2nd baby with her fiancee. So don't feel really much like talking to them about things as they are all blissful and loved up and happy. Right now I just really feel like I will never get over this :(

OP posts:
BayPolar · 12/12/2011 21:03

I agree. He needs to leave NOW.
It is disrespectful to you, who he recently married, and who he has just dumped all this on, to expect you to be fine with living such a CAD, as he has turned out to be.
Out of the house.
He has done the worst thing, to have gotten married when actually he didn't want to. He deserves to suffer, not to have his schedule pandered to.
Out out out out out.
You need this the new start to start now, and Christmas is the best time, because you can get into the spirit of it without having to face this selfish sod.

TakenForAMug · 12/12/2011 21:15

Keep posting here. You will get lots of advice and support. Before I posted on here I didn't know anyone who had been cheated on. It is depressingly common, but people don't tend to shout about it. You sound very strong and that is good.

fuzzynavel · 12/12/2011 21:24

Oh OP, I really feel sad for you.

No, the reason doesn't matter at the end of the day. Sometimes the other partner just purely falls out of love and goes through the motions because its expected.

I would however tell him that since he has blown the relationship out of the water he cannot stay there until its "convenient" for him to leave.

Pack his bags and get shot of him.

You deserve more, we all do.

madonnawhore · 12/12/2011 21:29

The decent thing for him to do (if he's capable of decency) would be to leave now.

How selfish and shitty of him to be all 'I don't love you but I'm going to live here until it's convenient to move out'.

If he doesn't want to be with you, he goes. That's the consequence of his action.

BuggeredIfIAm · 12/12/2011 21:29

Sounds like an affair to me too sorry Sad Take care of yourself. It's NOT about you it's him and his problem.

Xmasbaby11 · 12/12/2011 21:30

I can't add much to what others have said, but I would say, don't rule out talking to your best friends just because they are currently happy and loved up. I would be absolutely gutted if I found out my best friend was going through what you're going through and didn't want to burst my bubble by telling me. This is exactly the time you need your friends the most. It's very important to talk to friends who have known you (and DH) for a while and have a complete understanding of the situation. I wish you all the best.

warmleatherette · 12/12/2011 21:35

Agreed - I didn't want to tell my sister and best friend because they have (seemingly) awesome husbands and I was the idiot who'd married an abusive compulsive liar. But they're your friends, they won't think you're stupid, they'll just be furious with the twat for stringing you along.

Original poster
MardyPants · 12/12/2011 21:52

Everybody on here is so nice (blubs) (again)

Thank you

OP posts:
Sassybeast · 12/12/2011 21:57

'passes tissues'
He needs to move out now. Selfish and spineless. You deserve the truth and I suspect the truth will involve an affair.
Talk to your friends - they will help you through this. And you WILL survive.

Dozer · 12/12/2011 22:02

Please tell people in RL what's happening. And make him move out, otherwise you're in for many weeks of woe, prolonging the break-up agony. Have you talked about the practicalities, eg finances, property etc?

rightchoice · 12/12/2011 22:45

So sad to read he felt like this BEFORE the wedding in June, but didn't have the nerve to tell you. That means all has 'vows' were just empty and hollow. What a total creep. And now of course it is your fault, it couldn't possibly be his. Love you but not in love with you, is such a cop out. What was the point, why on earth did he go through with it. I am so sorry for you it must be gut wrenching.

carantala · 12/12/2011 23:01

mardy pants Have not read your whole thread but just stick up for yourself! DEMAND ANSWERS!!! Tell him that you want the truth; you will probably be very hurt but better now than later!

With very best wishes

maleview70 · 12/12/2011 23:03

What does being in love actually mean? Is anyone really in love after 8 years?

The fact he brought it up though is worrying though as I am sure most people are happy to just love the person they are with rather than have a flutter of the heart when they see them.

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