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Original poster

'I love you but I'm not in love with you' - what?!

104 replies

MardyPants · 12/12/2011 17:30

Have been with my DH 8 yrs, we got married in June. Last week he sprung on me that he feels we have marital difficulties, totally out of the blue. Am in shock as I thought we had a really good relationship. He says he's been bottling his feelings up since before the wedding and feels relieved it's now out in the open.

He says I haven't done anything wrong, he just feels we've grown apart, and gave me the 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' line. He says I give him too much freedom, as I rarely say no to him going out with his mates, but when I said I would like for him to go out less and do more stuff with me, he said, why does he want to go out with his mates though, rather than hang out with me? (I don't know the answer to that one!)

Am confused. What does 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' mean? Is there any coming back from this? Is it over?

OP posts:
Helltotheno · 12/12/2011 23:19

Op as soon as he's gone, make it a clean break and ensure you're not contactable by him. Out of sight, out of mind...

'I love you but I'm not in love with you' invariably means 'I don't fancy you any more'; same thing really, whether there's an affair or not.

SolidGoldStockingFilla · 13/12/2011 00:00

This line always means 'I want you to carry on cooking and cleaning for me and trying to please me, but I am not interested in treating you with kindness or consideration.' And the man who says it is always either having an affair or looking for sex outside the primary relationship, because he basically can't cope with women being human and they are either domestic servants or sexually desirable and once he has chosen to label them, that's the category they are in.

venusandChristMARS · 13/12/2011 06:56

Sorry, this is happening to you OP. I suggest taking control over what you can - so you decide what and when to tell other people, you decide when he is to move out, and make him dance to that tune. Please do not let him get away with telling people that it was an 'amicable split' and that you both just fell out of love with each other - please at least make him take responsibility for being the cause and the instigator of the break up.

You can manage the split in a way which is civil, but don't get sucked into believing that it was partly your choice - or letting it be presented that way. It can be tempting to let that happen because we feel that in some small way it preserves our dignity in front of others, but in reality it only excuses his bad behaviour and denies you of support when you want to shout and cry and yell.

And if he does move on quickly with someone else, then at least others will be able to see through his thin veneer, rather than him presenting things as an amicable split followed by a natural rebound relationship.

Sadly, I agree with most other posters. It is more of a female trait to be leave a relationship to be alone, because of a lack of love. I have only heard of one man who did the same and he was driven by his passion for something else. If your dh has got as far as planning the detail of this and finding somewhere to live, then he is strongly driven by some kind of motivation. Falling out of love is passive and is accompanied by inertia. What does he say is driving him to make this move, and to refuse to consider counselling?

clam · 13/12/2011 09:01

He's refusing counselling because he can't see the point as he's made up his mind to go. Adds even more to the OW theory.

cenicienta · 13/12/2011 15:51

He needs to leave NOW!

You don't have any control over his feelings but you DO have control over your future. Let him know you will be calling the shots from now on, starting with him finding alternative accomodation.

Youllbewaiting · 13/12/2011 15:55

Whose house is it?

TakenForAMug · 13/12/2011 15:57

How are you today MP?

Original poster
MardyPants · 13/12/2011 17:24

You're right, he's refusing counselling etc as he says his mind is made up and he doesn't want to drag things out. I feel really brainfumbled today, feel like no matter where I am and what I'm doing, my brain is elsewhere!

The house is joint mortgaged, am in the process of putting everything that's not tied down on ebay so I can try and buy him out, we only got the house not long ago and I really love it. Am going to tell him shortly that it is my intention to try and buy him out, wish me luck with that one! :)

OP posts:
CalamityKate · 13/12/2011 17:36

Good luck OP and sorry you're going through this.

FWIW, friends who are happy/loved up themselves are probably the best ones to talk to. Being sorted in their own love lives will mean they'll have endless patience to talk about your situation for hours without wanting to butt in with ".... anyway, did I tell you about the shitty thing MY bloke did the other day...." etc.

lazarusinNazareth · 13/12/2011 17:47

Good luck OP. What a crap situation. Please talk to your friends - they will be devastated to know you went through this without their support.

catsrus · 13/12/2011 17:49

Another one here who got the same line after 24 yrs married - and the OW didn't emerge until many months later - but he'd told her he was in love with her the month before he told me it was over and there was no-one else, yes, they do all seem to read from the same script Xmas Hmm

good luck in taking your power back! put yourself first and believe that you absolutely will be much happier in the long run - I am Xmas Grin

lilchicken · 13/12/2011 18:07

If it was in any way related to anything you have done or do, or if he had any love for you, he would be willing to try together before giving up. As it is he has already decided and moved on. That means an affair be it physical or emotional.

He wants out then push him out of the door now! There is no way he should be making you feel like you have to bow to him any more.

Good luck. Your life will be better without this ah you just can't see it yet xxx

TakenForAMug · 13/12/2011 18:19

Good luck! Is there room for you to take in a lodger at least in the short term? It is tax-free up to a certain amount so if you can bear it it might be a good way to make the mortgage more manageable on your own.

TakenForAMug · 13/12/2011 18:20

If he doesn't want to drag things out then he should be gone already. Have you discussed the possibility of him moving out immediately?

Wamster · 13/12/2011 18:32

I don't know if he is having an affair or even contemplating one, I do know, however, that the 'I love you but not in love' line means that the relationship is over.
Affair or not, this is always the case. Sorry.
I think the line is crap, anyway, if you love somebody, you stick with them (unless they are abusive) and try to work something out.

He's not only not in love with you, he doesn't love you, either. Get him to admit this, you'll feel happier.

LadyMedea · 13/12/2011 23:37

As a start it might help reading a book, helpfully titled 'I love you but I'm not in love with you'... Search for it on google....

If that is really how he feels and there isn't anything big going on behind the scenes then don't give up hope yet... Concentrate on you and how you behave, as unfair as it feels when you're The one who has had the bomb dropped on them, but you can only control/change yourself. If you still want to have a loving relationship with your DH then think positive. We fall out of love when our emotional needs have not been met... Are there things that your husband might feel are lacking: sex, affection, quality time together, admiration, etc? again hard to be generous and want to give him those things now when your so hurt but thats what might help restore the positive feelings between you.

It ain't over til it's over. Focus on what you want and act the way you would if you were already there

Original poster
MardyPants · 14/12/2011 11:16

I bought the book online as soon as he said what he said! Read it in one night, then passed it on to DH to read. I know I'm not perfect myself and did find a lot of useful / relevant stuff in there that I thought explained a lot about how we both are feeling and behaving. Passed it straight on to DH (he is not a big reader so I put a postit in the pages I thought were most relevant) he promised he would read it but hasn't touched it since.

I total understand what he means about us not doing so much stuff together (had a lot on at work at the beginning of the year so was really busy and tired) but now I have the time, or when I did have time, he seemed quite happy to relax in front of TV, so was I, didn't have a clue he would've rather we did something more exciting, I thought we were just doing what all married couples do tbh! Even when I have had time off he has always made plans with his mates, I left him to it, thought that's what he wanted and went out with my own mates.

Is it really bad that I sometimes find myself thinking it would have been better if one of us had just died? Obviously I know this is bad but is it a quite normal response, or really not? I can't help sometimes thinking it would be easier to deal with than this!

OP posts:
Wamster · 14/12/2011 13:22

I don't think he is interested in reading it. Sorry, but I do strongly believe that the old 'I'm not in love with you but love you' line is nonsense for the vast majority of people. Those that do genuinely believe they love somebody, try to find a way through it. He's not even read the book.

I think the dying thing is quite normal and we all do a bit of mental plea bargaining when confronted with something awful. It's normal.

Redrubyblues · 14/12/2011 13:30

Another one here - exdh said the same thing to me out of the blue - he had been seeing someone else for months.

Sorry Sad

Redrubyblues · 14/12/2011 13:39

And also a big yes to the wishing one of us had died. I would never have had to face up to the fact that he had been lying and lying and lying for a long time.

I must add that now I rarely think about him and I am sooo glad he is someone else's problem - the fling with the OW was very short lived I heard.

I am happier now than I have ever been and I am willing to bet that you will be as well in a shorter period than you would imagine.

LadyMedea · 14/12/2011 13:50

I haven't really been able to get my other half to read it, but it helped me think about where we went wrong... If he's determined to leave then it's difficult. Try and persuade him to go to counselling, even if it's on the pretext of having a friendly divorce, an outside perspective is usually helpful.

As I said before, work out what you want, don't be just dictated by how he feels right now. Feelings can change

SolidGoldStockingFilla · 14/12/2011 13:50

Have you got him out of the house yet? Or is he refusing to leave? If he won't go, you should definitely withdraw all domestic services - why should he have his cooking and laundry done by you when he's told you you're dumped?

TakenForAMug · 14/12/2011 14:14

Agree with SGB.

dizzy36 · 14/12/2011 14:21

Hi mardypants. I just want to say that I got the 'i love you but i am not in love with you' earlier this year. It turned out he was seeing someone else, but please that doesnt mean yours is having an affair too, you seem to know your partner quite well so dont panic just yet. My dh left us twice (we have two children 11 and 3) and i do firmly beleive that when you have a family you are choosing to leave the whole unit not just the partner, anyone who thinks otherwise has no bottle. We seperated for 2 months, we started talking and he eventually moved back home, it started off quite well but he is definitely up and down and i can literally see the his mood changing. In my dh case i honestly think there is something wrong with him because he doesnt seem to know what he want from one week to the next...could be a hormonal imbalance (hes 40 this month!) could be personality disorder.
I do beleive that when they start blaming the wife they are trying to justify their behaviour to themselves.

My dh is in the low mood at the moment, talks about how he was fine on his own, we are far from ok as a couple, whereas two weeks ago loved me to bits, talked about the future. if that isnt mentally unstable i dont know what is.
My advice? pay no attention to him, get on with your life, let him say and do what he wants, under no circumstances do you get weepy, needy, or demanding. i promise you he will soon change his mind and if their is someone else they wont be their for long. If you think you have contributed to your problems at all, try to change them, be the person he wants you to be i suppose but still be yourself.
I have told my dh that i love him and appreciate him and want him to be happy but thats it, i am leaving him to it now, he can wallow or he can get on with it, i havent got time for selfpity anymore, I have just started volunteering at my local school and i plan to start a course in Jan, I am getting on with my life, he can come along if wants to. all the best to you mardypants and be strong x

losingtrust · 14/12/2011 14:45

Sorry I had that line to justify the fact he was seeing somebody else although more of an emotional affair that became sexual a day after the line was issued. This was after 20 years. He was also 40 and kept changing his mind, had nervous breakdown, said he had finished with her and could he come back. I suggested counselling first to try and sort things out but it was easier to go back to the OW. My advice would be to ask him to move out so that you can sort things out properly and see if you can get the spark going again because you want to save the marriage. If he is not interested in doing that, he is not worth weeping over and you need to move on as amicably as possible. I am buying mine out by remortgaging, hopefully and seeing a solicitor, free for half an hour. I have even agreed the reason for divorcing him so that he can never come back and say I was not fair and then we can shake hands and get on with our lives (kids apart). This was six months ago and I am now past the bitterness and enjoying not having to share a bathroom with a man or iron adult shirts! There are advantages.