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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

'I love you but I'm not in love with you' - what?!

104 replies

MardyPants · 12/12/2011 17:30

Have been with my DH 8 yrs, we got married in June. Last week he sprung on me that he feels we have marital difficulties, totally out of the blue. Am in shock as I thought we had a really good relationship. He says he's been bottling his feelings up since before the wedding and feels relieved it's now out in the open.

He says I haven't done anything wrong, he just feels we've grown apart, and gave me the 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' line. He says I give him too much freedom, as I rarely say no to him going out with his mates, but when I said I would like for him to go out less and do more stuff with me, he said, why does he want to go out with his mates though, rather than hang out with me? (I don't know the answer to that one!)

Am confused. What does 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' mean? Is there any coming back from this? Is it over?

OP posts:
Wamster · 14/12/2011 15:25

It's impossible to get somebody out of the marital home if they're not abusive and they're on the mortgage and listed as joint owner.
You can ask him to leave-and most people with any sense of decency would leave, I admit- however, this idea of 'chucking people out' of their own homes if:
a, Married
b, Non-abusive
c, Joint owners of property

Even, 'b' means nothing if unmarried

is just misinformed claptrap. She can't just kick him out if he doesn't wish to leave.

losingtrust · 14/12/2011 15:39

No you cannot force him out if he is a joinet owner of the property although you could ask him. It depends on the personal circumstances.

OldeChestnut · 14/12/2011 15:42

why should one be able to chuck another out, if they have done nothing wrong except fall out of love

losingtrust · 14/12/2011 15:45

If you have children living in a house where two people cannot be in the same room as each other it is better to part because the impact on the children is far greater than an amicable separation. Research has backed this up.

Original poster
MardyPants · 14/12/2011 15:54

Noooo of course I'm not cooking / washing clothes for him!!

TBH he's avoiding spending any time here, has stayed out a few nights, I asked him where and he said sometimes his mates', sometimes his mum's. He was like, why, are you going to come and see me where I am or something? I was like, hell no!

  1. If I want to talk to you I will call or text you and ask you to come home and talk to me
  2. If you say you are leaving, off you go, I will not be running after / stalking you crying and begging! (No matter how tempting). If you are stupid enough to go, then go, and if you decide you're never coming back, then that's your loss.
Although, I am starting to think now, if he did decide to come back, would I let him? Hmmm dilemma. What if we had kids already and this had happened? What if he came back and we had kids and this happened again? Would I spend the rest of my life worrying this would happen again? How would i deal with this if there were kids to think of too? (Am not doing awfully well at coping with this just myself as it is, but I am managing.)

Also re house, he has said he will give me the time I need to try and sort out money to buy him out (surprisingly reasonable and civilised behaviour)

Am glad the dying thing is not abnormal, was a bit reluctant to ask, so thanks for reassuring me I am not totally losing the plot.

OP posts:
losingtrust · 14/12/2011 16:03

My view is that you should let him go if he is not telling you where he is because if he had nothing to hide he would let you know where he is but don't make any quick decisions. Let things settle a bit first.

I would also suggest that if he does want to come back you do counselling first because the relationships I have seen working really well are those that did the counselling and decided it was a marriage worth saving (both of them), those that didn't do the counselling just settled in to the same old situation and split up again. With a child that would be very difficult.

Original poster
MardyPants · 14/12/2011 16:06

Also with regard to his moving out, he has found somewhere he can live that belongs to a relative who is going into a care home next year, that's why he has not gone yet. It'll be soon though. It would be easier for me to leave TBF, but I refuse to. We are seldom home at the same time at the mo so there is not really a lot of animosity. I do prefer that if we have to go through this breakup that we can at least be civil and deal with the necessaries like grownups, I don't want to get into the suitcase-packing-and-throwing-in-the-street, yet Wink

Please don't all laugh too hard at my deluded fantasies of a civilised divorce, I know it sounds a bit daft! I would like if, at the end of this, we didn't hate each other though.

We have no kids so no little ones suffering through this thankfully.

OP posts:
KatieScarlett2833 · 14/12/2011 16:09

Has he fessed up about the OW yet?

You sound fab Mardy, I'd marry you, your STBEH is an idiot.

GossipWitch · 14/12/2011 16:10

Yep sorry, my ex told me that line when he was shagging my cousin behind my back.

We'll all be here for you, big loves xxxxxxxx

Redrubyblues · 14/12/2011 16:17

Good luck Mardy and whatever you do over the next few weeks do NOT pick up the wine or any alcohol. Keep a clear head and emotions in check, it will be hard over Christmas when emotions are running high but you can do it.

losingtrust · 14/12/2011 16:28

A civilised parting would make you feel better in the long run if that is what happens and it is you that you should be thinking about now. It is very easy to feel sorry for your husband but at the end of the day you need to be happy with what you want.

There are couples that do manage civilised divorces. I used to be involved in cases with pension splitting and quite often the couple with or without couples reached agreement and remained on friendly terms. Revenge only really hurts yourself. Perhaps you could think of doing things that your other half never really wanted to do and start booking some of these activities. If you begin to have things to look forward it means you are moving on.

Good luck and agree with Redruby. Also don't hit the chocolate tin, book a zumba session instead. Take time with your girlfriends and try to think positively as much as you can. You seem to be very logical about things and this will help although gut feeling is also important.

HecateGoddessOfTwelfthNight · 14/12/2011 16:34

I am really sorry, mardy.

I am bewildered by his attitude. He wants you to control him and blames the fact that you don't for this? Is that what is going on? I just wonder with him saying you give him too much freedom (what an odd thing to say) and now asking if you are going to come and find him.

Is he seeing someone else, or has his previous relationship given him the mistaken idea that love is controlling someone, wanting to know where they are at all times and allowing them to go out or not, and somehow because you're a more normal, reasonable human being with no desire to control him! he thinks that's not love?

Speculating wildly here, of course, but his comments are so odd that it made me wonder.

Bluebelle38 · 14/12/2011 20:59

Stay strong, mardy. Can't add anymore. BUT no-one worthy of your love would treat you like this.

Better things await you, sweetheart, even though you don't see it now xx

2rebecca · 14/12/2011 21:13

I think whether he's seeing someone else is irrelevent and think people especially women get too hung up on this. The relationship is over, whether he met someone last month or meets someone next month would be irrelevent to me if my husband told me he wasn't in love with me.
I don't think the "love you but not in love with you" is a cliche. I stopped being in love with my first husband. I've now been with my second husband for 11 years and am still in love with him, but in many ways still love my exhusband who is a pleasant intelligent man who is an excellent father to our kids. I just got to a stage where i didn't want to touch him or have him touching me.
If you stop fancying your partner you will start fancying someone else. Whether this is before or after you separate is a bit irrelevent unless you 2 time your partner for years or have serial affairs.

letmehelp · 14/12/2011 21:45

I haven't read all the responses as it's too distressing for me because my DH said these words to me c. 15 years ago.

I have always wondered, but I don't believe he had an affair. I do think he was having something of a (early) mid-life crisis and thinking is this all life has to offer?

Maybe there was someone else he wanted, but never took it any further, I don't know, but he swears there wasn't.

Anyway, he changed his job and we organised ourselves to do more couple things together, as well as making sure he had his time and we're still together. We still have our ups and downs, but there have been long periods of time when it's been fantastic.

Perhaps your DH telling you you give him too much freedom is his way of saying he's been tempted and wants you to make sure he can't act on it?

Where does he think you go from here?

SolidGoldStockingFilla · 15/12/2011 01:08

Actually, if he has stated a clear intention to leave and is not expecting you to service him domestically, let him get on with it, be calm and polite with him and start thinking about your own future and how to enjoy it. It is in fact possible to be civilised about a break up if the other person is prepared to be civilised too. Which it sounds as though he might be - he's making plans to move out after all.

NunTheWiser · 15/12/2011 05:32

It's a way of forcing you to end things so he doesn't look or feel like the bad guy. If he said, "I have strong feelings for someone else and I'd rather be there than here" or,"I'd rather be on my own than with you", everyone would know him as the self-centred knob that he is. This way, he can try to engineer a mutual (ha!) break up, "We just weren't right for each other so we thought we should call it a day."
BTW, I do think there is very likely someone else involved, regardless of whether there is a full-blown affair yet.

dizzy36 · 15/12/2011 10:04

Feelings can change. You stop fancying someone after 20 years for a reason, not just because someone else has caught your eye. In my case, I will admit that i did become complacent in our marriage and didnt listen when my dh told me he was unhappy. I shouldnt have been surprised when i found he had an 'emotional' fling with someone who started working for him. I find that generally men, or at least mine, are emotionally weak and they want someone to look after them, listen to them, praise them...all that needy stuff. I wasnt doing that and he turned to someone who did simple as that.
One thing i would say though is, if we didnt have young children i dont think i would have even considered taking him back even though i do love him very much. His love for me is clearly not unconditional and we all deserve that, but i knew what i was getting when i married him and my family is very important to me.
If you havent got kids mardy you have to think about whether this is what you want, because i dont doubt that if he does sort himself out this time, he will do it again later down the line, hes shown what he is capable of, its up to you to decide what your willing to put up with x

knockneedandknackered · 15/12/2011 10:14

i hope you give him a good grilling that lame excuse woulden,t wash with me. id want to know why.

tigermoll · 15/12/2011 14:50

I really feel for you, MP, - you seem to be coping amazingly. Stay strong [hugs]

I know you must be desperate for reasons, but I don't think you should set too much store by him saying 'I never really wanted to marry you'. That sounds to me like an attempt to re-write history. A friend of mine recently had her husband walk out, and he decided at that point that he had never really wanted any of the things they had, - children, marriage, buying a house, even the holidays they went on were apparently her dragging him against his will. Because he had changed his mind about wanting to be with her, he kinda had to re-write it all to himself and make it something he had never been that keen on. For some reason, he found that easier than saying 'I used to love you but now I don't'.

You will eventually find out all the details, - he may be hiding stuff from you now, but it will all come out in the end. It always does. You are doing so well, hang in there.

redbluered · 15/12/2011 14:56

Personally I think 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' is one of the most immature cowardly things a person can say to someone else whom they have been / are in an allegedly serious and long term relationship with.
It implies "i always deserve to feel "in lurrvv" and you aren't making me feel that way which is your fault" - yes it is a backing out line, a cowardly, teenage type attempt to change the goal posts of a long term relationship and put the fault on the other person.
It is not your fault OP. But I agree there is a good chance he is already seeing someone else

2rebecca · 15/12/2011 15:06

I disagree that it's cowardly. You change over time. If you no longer want to live with someone there is no reason to feel chained to that person. If my husband no longer wants to live with me I would rather he left. Staying in a miserable relationship and feeling like a prisoner is cowardly.

JamieComeHome · 15/12/2011 15:42

It's cowardly if you've married, made a commitment to each other, and the first you hear of the malcontent is these words.

ElfenorRathbone · 15/12/2011 16:05

I agree with everything SGB has posted.

Sor sorry that this is happening to you Mardy, try and get out there at Christmas and New Year and enjoy yourself. Easier said than done I know.

Look after yourself.

redbluered · 15/12/2011 16:16

Jamie exactly
Staying in a miserable relationship is hard but if you have made a commitment and said vows then your job is to try to work out how much of the miserableness is something you can change yourself and improve your marriage.
Just uttering "i love you but i am not in love with you" is patronising and contains way too many "i"s in it for someone who is supposed to be in a partnership. It is a verdict uttered by one party who is trying to end a relationship to the other party and not a two way conversation.
And the "i love you" bit at the beginning just sounds patronising - why bother with it?