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Original poster

DH nearly kissed a stranger - broke my trust what do i do?

115 replies

lonelybee · 12/12/2011 09:03

woman with kisses signed off. On confronting him he confessed to have texted an escort service for some company and purely out of curiosity. I flipped - we talked - we agreed to work on things - all of this took me a year to forgive him and get back on track. We were happy then or so I thought. We have had issues in the bedroom department - barely have sex once a month, but i didn't think much of it. I know stupid me! Thinking he was comfortable with us not constantly at it like rabbits. We love each other and always kissed, snogged, cuddled lots and the occasional frisking in bed

This weekend after nearly 2 years, I read a message on his phone again, this time asking a girl if 15mins includes french kissing or not and meet up at a room in a cheap hotel in the same city. The escort or whatever agency thsi was booked the hotel. i confronted him and he said he walked up to the room but never did anything. he said it was just purely his sexual urges but never anything more. The usual begs for forgiveness, but this time i am too hurt and sad as weeks ago i had been on the TTC forums discussing how excited i am to be starting a family and now this happens. He admitted that its happened 3 times before but its just a thrill he gets from texting. Hes very shy when it comes to women in general, but he did say he went up to the room and knocked on the door and then turned back. (I am not sure if i believe that)

We are sleeping in separate rooms and not talking much. my eyes are a bit sore and i am not sure what to do. I dont want to leave him as we have so much love in our marraige but what do i do about the lack of trust? Do i give him a third chance? Marraige counselling? Leaving him is too difficult to think about and sadly I love him very much. Has anyone experienced this situation before?

OP posts:
Original poster
lonelybee · 12/12/2011 09:08

Oh I think the start of that message got wiped off... let me repost:

We have been together for 10 years, fell in love at university, got married, got a lovely house, still in love (or so I think). In Jan 2010 I read a text on DH's mobile from a woman with kisses signed off. On confronting him he confessed to have texted an escort service for some company and purely out of curiosity. I flipped - we talked - we agreed to work on things - all of this took me a year to forgive him and get back on track. We were happy then or so I thought. We have had issues in the bedroom department - barely have sex once a month, but i didn't think much of it. I know stupid me! Thinking he was comfortable with us not constantly at it like rabbits. We love each other and always kissed, snogged, cuddled lots and the occasional frisking in bed

This weekend after nearly 2 years, I read a message on his phone again, this time asking a girl if 15mins includes french kissing or not and meet up at a room in a cheap hotel in the same city. The escort or whatever agency thsi was booked the hotel. i confronted him and he said he walked up to the room but never did anything. he said it was just purely his sexual urges but never anything more. The usual begs for forgiveness, but this time i am too hurt and sad as weeks ago i had been on the TTC forums discussing how excited i am to be starting a family and now this happens. He admitted that its happened 3 times before but its just a thrill he gets from texting. Hes very shy when it comes to women in general, but he did say he went up to the room and knocked on the door and then turned back. (I am not sure if i believe that)

We are sleeping in separate rooms and not talking much. my eyes are a bit sore and i am not sure what to do. I dont want to leave him as we have so much love in our marraige but what do i do about the lack of trust? Do i give him a third chance? Marraige counselling? Leaving him is too difficult to think about and sadly I love him very much.

OP posts:
feelokaboutit · 12/12/2011 09:11

hi lonelybee - I am sorry you are going through this - you sound very nice. I'd say that this kind of thing will carry on happening throughout your marriage and that once you have kids then it really will be very very difficult to leave. You feel terrible now but imagine how you might feel while you are effectively "trapped" at home with young children and your dh carries on breaking your trust in this way.
I haven't experienced your situation (and h and I do not get on so in that way I am in a completely different boat to you) but I wanted to say that having children with someone binds you to them like cement (or so it feels) so any issues that you are having definitely need to be sorted out before you have a family. Also, has your dh told you the whole truth??? Other stuff might have happened that you will never know about?
It may be that people will come on and say that counselling really helped them through this kind of situation (if you dh is an open, communicative kind of person) but again I have no experience of this either. Do you think your dh would be open to counselling?

VivaLeBeaver · 12/12/2011 09:12

I'm really not sure what to advise you however I will say that I wouldn't believe him with what he's saying about not doing anything. I think you have to face the fact that he has probably slept with prostitutes on more than one occassion. For me that would be a deal breaker. I'm sorry.

QueenCess · 12/12/2011 09:12

As long as he knows you will never leave him he will carry on doing this.

I don't believe nothing has happened.

If you are trying to conceive then you really need to consider your health in the context outlined above.

You have been betrayed. Either you can live with this or you can't. If you can stop snooping, if not call time on this relationship because you really shouldn't bring a child into this environment.

feelokaboutit · 12/12/2011 09:12

if "your" dh

MmeLindor. · 12/12/2011 09:12

Oh, sorry, but that would be a deal breaker for me.

This isn't him getting drunk and snogging someone at a Xmas party.

He has to look up the internet to find an escort company, then choose one, then make time to phone or text.

That is a LOT of effort for 15mins french kissing.

I would suspect he is doing this regularly.

QuintessentiallyFestive · 12/12/2011 09:20

I am sorry, but even just contacting prostitutes would be a deal breaker.
He tells as much of the truth as he thinks you can manage to hear, and he knows you might dump him if he tells you the truth, so he tells you a half truth.
Why on earth would he pay for looking at a prostitute in his hotel room?
He has serious issues regards to right and wrong, ethics, and women.

I would not bring a child into this world with a man like this. I am sorry. Leave now. It is right as they say, as soon as you have a child, you are trapped.

And this man is unlikely to turn of a long standing escort habit just because he is a dad, or you are pregnant.

In addition to this, what is this costing financially? And what if he has infected you with something?

I would insist you both visit a sexual health clinic for a thorough investigation.

Original poster
lonelybee · 12/12/2011 09:21

he had admitted to looking up websites and texting but purely for his fantasy and thrill he says. hes never actually done anything - but i dont believe that. a part of me wants to because this is not the same person i fell in love with. I am just shocked that he would jeopardise what we have had for 10 years for a 15min thrill.

I def don't believe he has slept with someone else (I am too terrified to even consider that) He has never been open with me or anyone else, he takes time to communicate and has never shared his feelings. Hes open to counselling but i am not sure I am? My dreams of starting a family are well and truly shattered, i do not want to bring a child into this mess. I am just too hurt and sad.

OP posts:
sternface · 12/12/2011 09:21

There are three issues here.

One is that he is taking you for a fool and lying to you. He has paid for full sex and don't dignify these ridiculous lies with even a scintilla of belief.

Two he has cheated on you repeatedly, despite being forgiven and seeing your pain the first time.

Three he is a man who thinks it's okay to pay a woman for sex. Men who do this regard women as an inferior species.

I'm sure he knows you won't leave, so he will keep doing this. To stay with someone like this is madness and having unprotected sex would be like putting a gun to your own head.

Get out now while you are childless.

Original poster
lonelybee · 12/12/2011 09:24

He didn't book the room or the hotel, he just turned up there. I have already checked ALL of our bank accounts and no money has gone out, which is why I know he hasn't slept with any or done anything.

OP posts:
QuintessentiallyFestive · 12/12/2011 09:27

Could he not have paid cash?

Why are you defending him?

He has form. He has done it before, and now he is doing it again.

Do you really want such a man raise a potential daughter in the future?

QueenCess · 12/12/2011 09:27

I am sorry your world is falling apart. You must be so dreadfully hurt.

Sometimes we can do without the details because we already know enough to make informed decisions.

Please have your sexual health checked because I don't personally believe you have been given a full and frank account.

MmeLindor. · 12/12/2011 09:28

Er, but if he had arranged the meet, then he would have had to pay surely?

You don't think the escort service would accept that he had changed his mind and write off the cost of the room booking?

He went to the room and paid cash so that you would not find out.

QuintessentiallyFestive · 12/12/2011 09:30

Actually, the fact that no money has gone from his accounts to the escort service proves that he HAS done something. They would have taken his credit card details at the time of the booking, and charged his card for the cost of room, etc, if he did not show. They did not need to do this, because he showed up, and paid cash after. Just a thought.

Original poster
lonelybee · 12/12/2011 09:31

I have been through the cash withdrawals and statements over the last year I have always checked the accounts since I first found out. I am defending him because I love him so much and refuse to believe he would do something like that. I think if he has had sex it would def be a deal beaker but how to face the world and cope with it - i am nearly 30 and the thought of ending up alone scares me.

OP posts:
BayPolar · 12/12/2011 09:35

Deal breaker.
Disgusting. Lying to you, sleeping with prostitutes.
I cannot believe the patience of some women on MN.
Why do you do this to yourself?
If he loved you, respected you, if you were enough for him to spend the rest of his life with, and have children with, he would not do this.
If you stay with this man, you are a fool and you will end up regretting that you didn't run when you discovered the truth.
No matter how much I love my man, if I found out he had been texting other women, or having sex with other women, I would have much joy in telling him to get the hell out of my life.
There is nothing worse than lies and infidelity.

sternface · 12/12/2011 09:36

It's not unusual for people who lie about their fidelity to lie about their finances.

There's either a credit card you don't know about or he has access to secret cash. Escorts charge for their time and expenses and will not meet someone for free.

QuintessentiallyFestive · 12/12/2011 09:36

Nearly thirty is young.

To be honest, I would rather be on my own, than with a man who not only had such low opinon on women, was unfaithful, and inclined to pay for sex.

Do you have self esteem issues? It sounds like you have quite low self esteem to put up with this and accept it.

In my view you have two options

  1. Leave
  2. Accept that there will always be other women in your marriage, and just try raise your children covering up for their dad, while at the same time ensure that you keep healthy and not get any transmitted diseases from him. Ie condoms.
Doha · 12/12/2011 09:39

Another one who doesn't believe.
I think you should get yourself an STI check as soon as possible and forget completly TTC with this cheat.
You really don't know this man at all, you love the idea of who you think he is but that vision has been truely shattered again.

How many more times is he going to contact and sleep---YES HAVE SEX- with escorts.
You say there has not been a lot of sex recently just cuddles etc.
Well you now know the reason why.He is getting it elsewhere.

Do yourself a favour and get shot of him. He has lied time and time again.

BayPolar · 12/12/2011 09:42

LonelyBee..after reading your comments, it seems that he knows he can dupe you because you are willing to be duped.
There is no way he would go to all that effort just to walk up to a hotel room and turn away. He has a cock and he has admitted to you that he does this for the thrill - which in itself is a deal breaker, my god, if my guy admitted that, even just looking at escort sites, he'd be history - it's pathetic - and if you want to believe that he's 'just looking' at these women, and that it's perfectly fine to have the man you love be lusting after other women, then fine, become another statistic in the file on unhappy marriages with children stuck in the middle of crisis after crisis.
Good luck but don't come complaining here when it all goes to hell. Because once you are pregnant and then the baby comes, you think he's going to stop lusting over other women??

MmeLindor. · 12/12/2011 09:42

Nearly thirty is not too old. You can still find a good man, one who respects and honours you.

I know this is awful for you, that you must be hurting so much but if you stay with him, have children with him then he will carry on doing this.

A decent man does not text escorts. A decent man does not deceive his wife.

Catsmamma · 12/12/2011 09:44

So three infidelities and you caught him twice?? .....he is dreadfully unlucky!

These are not isolated incidents, already some excellent advice on here. Please think long and hard about your future with this creature. You really want to have a child with someone like this?

waterrat · 12/12/2011 09:44

Nearly 30 - you have plenty of time to start again, scary as it seems. I met my partner when I was 31 - plenty of my friends met people in their early thirties. You have time to recover, have some counselling, start a new life.

You have to ask yourself - imagine spending the next 60 years of your life in an unhappy relationship because you were too scared of spending a couple of years sorting things out and meeting someone new. that's the truth - do it now, or spend years and years trying to make it work with a man who is a liar, with children, when it's much much harder...

What you need to tackle is the belief that he is trying to install in you that a man who thinks he isn't getting enough sex is naturally going to seek out prostitutes - sorry, but that is so far from the truth. You cuddle, you kiss, you have a dialogue, if you want this man to be your life partner you NEED to know that he will be open with you and tell you if he wants more sex, or if he isn't getting enough. You now know full well that he is prepared to lie to you and his desire to sleep with prostitutes or have encounters with them is more important to him than his relationship with you.

This is the time, pre children - how will this man react when you are tired, not sleeping, getting older - he is young and already behaving like this.

get out.....sorry, but you have to....he has done it more than once. deal breaker.

waterrat · 12/12/2011 09:45

and just hear those words 'do I give him a third chance.'...it's not even a second chance. Most people are lucky to get a second chance....and as someone said, if you have caught him, there will be other times - sorry.

bubblechristmaspop · 12/12/2011 09:45

Ok your husband is a liar.

He is a serial cheat.

He is a habitual user of prostitutes.

He phones them and books them. Once clarifying the sexual services she offers.

He turns up.

He pays cash. So the cc isn't charged.

Is that clearer for you? He is lying to you, he pays women for sex, he is a regular prostitute user. He is never, ever going to change. As he won't admit to it. Do you really want to go through this with kids as well? Get shot now before children. As a whole life of misery lies ahead for you and future dcs.

Get tested too.

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