DH nearly kissed a stranger - broke my trust what do i do?

[lonelybee]

woman with kisses signed off. On confronting him he confessed to have texted an escort service for some company and purely out of curiosity. I flipped - we talked - we agreed to work on things - all of this took me a year to forgive him and get back on track. We were happy then or so I thought. We have had issues in the bedroom department - barely have sex once a month, but i didn't think much of it. I know stupid me! Thinking he was comfortable with us not constantly at it like rabbits. We love each other and always kissed, snogged, cuddled lots and the occasional frisking in bed

This weekend after nearly 2 years, I read a message on his phone again, this time asking a girl if 15mins includes french kissing or not and meet up at a room in a cheap hotel in the same city. The escort or whatever agency thsi was booked the hotel. i confronted him and he said he walked up to the room but never did anything. he said it was just purely his sexual urges but never anything more. The usual begs for forgiveness, but this time i am too hurt and sad as weeks ago i had been on the TTC forums discussing how excited i am to be starting a family and now this happens. He admitted that its happened 3 times before but its just a thrill he gets from texting. Hes very shy when it comes to women in general, but he did say he went up to the room and knocked on the door and then turned back. (I am not sure if i believe that)

We are sleeping in separate rooms and not talking much. my eyes are a bit sore and i am not sure what to do. I dont want to leave him as we have so much love in our marraige but what do i do about the lack of trust? Do i give him a third chance? Marraige counselling? Leaving him is too difficult to think about and sadly I love him very much. Has anyone experienced this situation before?

FGS. He's having it off with hookers. Wake up!

0P I feel for you as to me, this woild be the worsT type of betrayal. Delibertly hand picking a woman for sex. Not a drunken one night stand, but sitting there cold hard sober scouring escort sites for one he fancies. Even if he hasn't shagged one yet, he will. There's no going back now.

He may be a shy bloke but not so shy to ring a prostitute! So why the hell isn't he speaking to you and addressing whatever intimacy issues you two have? That would be my question!

You need t o man up!

He is probably a member on a well known forum where men discuss how best to keep it a secret from their wife that they se escorts and how to pay cash etc

If you want to stay with this man remember that if he needs an excuse to see hookers whilst you are childless and carefree then he won't need any reason when you are knackered from kids or maybe when you hit the menopause and your sex drive drops.

Oh god, what a shite situation - sorry you are going through this.

Your H has behaved duplicitously - reapeatedly - which means the 'assurances' he offers that things have never got physical really hold little weight. Whether things have gone beyond texting is pretty irrelevant, it's betrayal however he wraps it up.

I split with my H, aged 30, after 10 years together (turned out he was a lying cheating g*t). We were TTC also and I felt the world had ended with my marriage so I can imagine how bewildered and scared you must feel at the moment. Parting with my H was the only option for me as the trust was gone. Only you can decide whether you think your H is deserving of any more chances. I wish you lots of luck with whatever decision you reach. You sound lovely. He is an utter fool for doing this.

I have taken some time to think this through. We had our first session at counselling yesterday, in spite of all the advice on this thread. Sadly I am going to give him a last chance. We are not trying for children or starting a family but we are just trying to be and to understand what happened.

I have shown him this thread and he is disgusted with himself and ashamed. It killed him to read every post on this thread..He admitted he got addicted to watching porn for fantasy and got carried away and crossed the line between fantasy and actually trying to do something in real life by clicking a pop-up with the escort/prostitute. Still claims nothing happened - I am not believing that. He knows what he's done is foolish but there is no trust in our marriage at the moment.

We started some Relate counselling to try and help us salvage a broken marriage.

And yes brambule only I can decide whether to give him a chance or not. I am not leaving because even though he breaks my heart I still love him - maybe i am bringing years of misery on myself. only time will tell what happens. I haven't forgiven him and we are maintaining a separation till we work things through.

Counselling obviously can work!

I fell out of love with my ex after that. We sat in couples counsellers front room and she asked me to start. Immediately i said i didn't love him anymore. That was it. over. It took me to get to the counselling to get the courage to say it. But ido remember the counsellor saying there was hope for us before i said that.

I think you are both very brave, honesty is key, total unabridged honesty.

It will be very hard journey and you might hate each other for while but stay with it PLEASE.

You will get past it all with time and lots of effort, tears, fights even.

It won't be easy at all.
Good luck to you both,YOU ARE VERY COURAGEOUS:)

well, good luck - but if you still don't believe him - how will counselling work? it only works if people tell the truth - remember, if he is still lying, then the counselling is pointless, because he isn't addressing his problems either.

Set yourself a date in the future and promise yourself that if you are still not happy and still don't trust him you will walk. don't throw away your life, your happiness and your fertility on it for xxx years...there needs to be a deadline for you.

The truth will out in counselling - if DH doesn't want to go or avoids questions, you'll know then he is still lying or has other issues to hide. Your counsellor will tell you,

which is fine as that's why you are both in counselling to tell the truth, find out who you both are and what you both REALLY want, be prepared for heartache or even the end of your relationship. DH has right to be honest he needs to heal no matter what is really on his mind. You must allow him that freedom no matter how painful or you live more lies :(

thanks goal i need some support. He actually suggested the counselling so he wants to open up. I want to look at that text as complete betrayal, irrelevant of whether it happened or not and then pace myself from there.

The first session was hard enough and it helped me realise that even though we had been together for 10 years we had never talked about intimacy / sex issues - just plodding along. We talked but never tried to dig deeper. Strangely it was too easy to talk to a complete stranger at counselling.

But yes I have told him I will see how the counselling sessions go and if early next year if i still feel that I just can't forgive him then yes it will be all over.

It's going to take TIME and the counselling will take you places you never realised. It's going to be TOUGH.

I think the fact that he has had difficulty getting close/being open in the past but that he can pay for that sort of 'closeness' is at the root of this and he probably needs therapy alone to sort that out. I was with someone v similar for 6 years and in the end I walked away.3rd chance? He is very lucky

Good luck OP - it is your life and your marriage. Both courses of action take courage and I wish you luck. Please do set a date though because to walk away in a decade's time having sacrificed having a family, that really would be very sad.

If he's still feeding you the "nothing happened" cack, then the counselling is going to be one huge waste of your time and money.

oh dear

I wish you luck, you are certainly going to need it

for me, you said it yourself... Sadly I am going to give him a last chance

Love.

What does it mean to you OP?

If I was to think about it I might say that among other things it involved mutual respect, honesty, kindness, and trust. That it should be a happy positive emotion that enriched your life.

I don't know what it is that is preventing you from leaving this man but it isn't love, it just isn't. None of the things I mentioned above characterise your relationship.

I sometimes think love must be the most abused word in the English dictionary. It's become meaningless - just used to excuse and justify all sorts of crazy, destructive behaviour. It would seem there is no need to exercise any personal boundaries whatsoever so long as you "love" the person crashing through them. No responsibility to treat yourself with care and dignity because hey, the person treating you with absolute contempt is the object of your "love".

This man has betrayed you, lied to you (and continues to do so,) put your emotional, mental, and physical health at risk, and hurt you very badly. In what way do you "love" him? And in what way do you suppose he "loves" you?

This isn't love OP. This is fucked up.

I have said it before, and I will say it again

Romantic love is responsible for many of the unhappiness in this world

Great post, makeyerowndamndinner.
We'll still be here when you come back, OP.

Seriously do what is right for you what is best for you, its easy for those on here to say leave him, walk away, but this is your life and you are the one who lives with the decisions you make.

There is still love there so it is time to sort things out for good and do it properly.

Id hazard a guess he feels rejected as you never make time to make love together.

Please don't listen to all those saying leave him, it may be a decision you regret, you have nothing to lose by trying again, but everything to gain.

Good luck.

Way to go, fabby

Blame it on OP for "rejecting" him

With a man like this it will only ever the booby prize that you gain

ever be

insecurity not love op has said as much. She wants the whole family package and is too frightened to walk in case she ends up alone. Honestly op I felt the same at exactly your age was with a verbally abusive man I thought I "loved". Walking away the best thing I ever did met dh at 30 he is fantastic now have 2 dds and a good honest loving family life. My blood runs cold thinking what my life would have been like had I stayed with my ex. The spur for me was the deep down knowledge that it would be wrong to have dc with my ex so I didn't want to waste any more time on the relationship. Do hope you make the right decision x

Have to agree with AF. When it comes to love there is no fool like a woman!

It should be taught to girls that it is ok to get rid of men that treat you like shit, that there are millions of men out there so "the one" really doesn't exist. It really is ludicrous to think that we may only be compatible with one person.

The first break up of a proper long term relationship is always hard but believe me when you have been through the pain that it brings, you won't put up with shit like this again.

I didn't get out of bed for 2 weeks when my marriage ended. It hurt like hell but god I am glad it did end as I have become a totally different person. My Dw whilst being totally right for me is under no illusions that if she ever cheated I would leave her. No counselling, no forgiveness...The end!
I would expect the same if I did.

When you don't have kids there is even less reason to stay.

I reckon my "the one" is a field worker in Timbuktoo

I am fucked

counselling will only work if he is HONEST.

and he isnt being, he is still pretending he didnt do anything. Unless he admits to having a problem, and that problem being of his making, you are onto a loser no matter how much counselling you have.

im so sorry but you are being a fool to yourself.

you sound so, so, believing of him, i too opened this thread thinking it was going to be a drunken snog at a xmas party.

your husband uses prostitutes, he plans it meticulously so you wont find out, and so what if you do, cos your a bit stupid and you believe him when he says he paid to knock on a door and walk away....

im sorry, but if you are going to stay you need to be honest about it, lying to yourself will just land you in a world of pain later on.

Good luck lonelybee. I hope your H uses this probation lifeline to start being frank and honest. Let us know how you get on.