DH nearly kissed a stranger - broke my trust what do i do?

[lonelybee]

woman with kisses signed off. On confronting him he confessed to have texted an escort service for some company and purely out of curiosity. I flipped - we talked - we agreed to work on things - all of this took me a year to forgive him and get back on track. We were happy then or so I thought. We have had issues in the bedroom department - barely have sex once a month, but i didn't think much of it. I know stupid me! Thinking he was comfortable with us not constantly at it like rabbits. We love each other and always kissed, snogged, cuddled lots and the occasional frisking in bed

This weekend after nearly 2 years, I read a message on his phone again, this time asking a girl if 15mins includes french kissing or not and meet up at a room in a cheap hotel in the same city. The escort or whatever agency thsi was booked the hotel. i confronted him and he said he walked up to the room but never did anything. he said it was just purely his sexual urges but never anything more. The usual begs for forgiveness, but this time i am too hurt and sad as weeks ago i had been on the TTC forums discussing how excited i am to be starting a family and now this happens. He admitted that its happened 3 times before but its just a thrill he gets from texting. Hes very shy when it comes to women in general, but he did say he went up to the room and knocked on the door and then turned back. (I am not sure if i believe that)

We are sleeping in separate rooms and not talking much. my eyes are a bit sore and i am not sure what to do. I dont want to leave him as we have so much love in our marraige but what do i do about the lack of trust? Do i give him a third chance? Marraige counselling? Leaving him is too difficult to think about and sadly I love him very much. Has anyone experienced this situation before?

Stuff Christmas.

Leaving it and attempting to play happy families will not work.

He will wheedle his way back in whilst you are trying to cover up for the sake of everybody. You will be fooling nobody so you might as well be honest.

You are just delaying. This is not healthy. Think about yourself and the fact that you matter above all in this situation. Then give yourself permission to act with decency and integrity towards yourself.

Give yourself a lovely new life for Christmas, get rid of the loser before and look to your future!

Are you close to your parents?

Can you ring them and tell them what has happened?

I bet if so they will be outraged.

Sometimes we need to hear it from others to gain some perspective after living with someones manipulated behaviour - it can slant the judgement.

I agree that it might be helpful to talk to friends and family about what is going on. You will get help, support and advice. And maybe just a shoulder to cry on, or have a wine coffee with.

Well, like the op I loved my h absolutely and utterly. Had been together since we were teenagers. Wd have half killed me to leave him but I know I wd have done if I had found out before having had the children (especially if I'd had the benefit then of the experience and wisdom on mn to help me see clearly). Righly or wrongly it is the children that made all the difference to me because I was (am) paralysed by the inability to do anything that wd hurt them or disrupt their lives. I know how unbearably hollow the 'but he's a great dad' thing sounds but that is how i feel. That's why I am so keen for the op to realise that this is her chance. I am just desperate to save her from the same kind of pain that I have experienced.

MissL
That is so sad. You know that children can grow up happily despite their parents splitting. You don't have to put up with it.

LonelyBee
Get out before Xmas. You are not going to have a happy Xmas anyway, so you might as well be done with it and start the new year afresh.

Christmas is the perfect time to start over.

This man has behaved terribly towards you.
He's a cad.
A liar.
He's gross.
Sorry.

If I could be you right now, I'd love to get him out of my life, I'd feel so relieved to have discovered his continued deceit before having committed to having kids with him.
I'd tell him that he deserves a life with hussies, not somebody good like me.
30 is so young, you have no idea.
I am 43 and I still feel and look young and my life is just beginning, and it's been full even up till now, it's all so great, and I often tell my students in school that they can basically do what they want in their 20's, that their 20's are for exploring what they feel they might be interested in, to make mistakes, to find success, that the 20's are fine for figuring stuff out..then your 30's, well, I was still successfully figuring it out, and still am, and feel great, and you should be feeling great, too, to have discovered, before having kids with this CAD, who he really was.
For sure, it is going to hurt, but hopefully the hurt will turn to anger soon enough, and you are young, and you sound sorted, get out there, mingle again, surround yourself with friends and parties this Yule season, and out this guy for the bastard he is.

Merry Christmas, please put a present under your tree containing an empty box. And then slowly but surely start to fill that box with good decisions and positive moves away from this person.
Get him out of your life asap.
Be assertive.
He is a low-life liar.
You deserve so much better.

LonelyBee, he sounds appalling. He's been doing this all along, it's just that you happen to have caught him twice. He's only sorry because he was caught and he's only admitting to what you know about.
I wouldn't have anything to do with a man who would even consider using prostitutes. He has a complete lack of respect for women, including you.
Get out now. Your friends and family will support you, and staying with this loser won't make Christmas any better. Thank God you don't have children with this nasty man.

This is just such a sudden shock to my system, i am at work and need to get my head together. I cannot ask for time off as im in a new job under probation period. My parents live in another country, I have no family in this country except my husbands. Our friends are shared, more his school friends. My friends all live away from UK. I have a few close friends in other cities, but no one close to home. I feel so alone right now and maybe thats whats stopping me from leaving him straight away. Everything was fine last week and suddenly my whole world has come crashing down. I need to breathe.

I am really sorry, MissL

I am so sorry you are going through this! I know how shit it feels.

My H is a serial cheater not with prostitutes but with random women he meets purely for sex, ita all arranged through variuos sites on the internet.

Men like this only ever admit to the bare minimum. What they think they can get away with telling you. He can make you believe he has never slept with any of these women quite easily because that aspect of his adventures you cannot actually proove. You can only prove what you have found, so that is all he will admit to, with a teeny tiny little bit extra to make it appear he is being open and honest (such as the french kissing).

You need to get out now! Before you have kids and before this christmas. Its been 4 years this Christmas since I first discovered the vile truth about my marriage. I decided to stay for Xmas that year because of my children whom I adore. Thing is howeverm shocking and vile the truth was, by the time Xmas had passed the shock had lessend just slightly and living a sham marriage just became the norm. We have a temporary split but the reality of what he did became blurry and unrealistic because normal family life just carried on. 4 years on he is still cheating despite promises not to. My self esteem is a pile of shite and I can make a million excuses as why not to leave, most of them being because of the kids. I am not happy and my self esteem is shot because I know I would tell any mate in my situation to up and bugger off!

I dont mean to bore you with my tale of woe or take over th thread, but what I am trying to tell you is that in my very real experience, if you dont act NOW then it will become harder to do so.

Another way of looking at it is, imagine you spend Xmas with everyone putting on the happy couple front then 1st week in January you have to announce your split to everyone, is it really going to feel any less shit than doing it now 2 weeks before Xmas???

I know I am a fraud telling you to get out whilst I have stayed for 4 years. I can sympathise and know very very well its so easy for anyone to say "leave the bastard" but actually doing it is actually very very hard. I would NEVER EVER have thought I would have stayed with a bloke like mine. Its done me no good. I feel a crap person for staying with him and our marriage is dead. There is little happiness and I am always suspicious.

Please leave whilst you can. You have no idea how much easier it is to leave with out having kids in tow! You really dont want to end up like me.

Itsallgonetitsup I really hope you get rid of your sorry excuse for a husband very soon

Lonleybee, yes I have experienced this situation, as has been said already he didn't just nearly kiss a stranger, he has been having sex with prostitutes. I found out when I was 43, 30 is nothing you are so young! Please don't waste another moment on this utter tosser. Give him a third chance? No, please just get out, you deserve so much better.
I've just read your latest post and can understand your sense of isolation from other people as I've been there as well, I literally had no one (adult) in my life besides my husband and I found out about him what you've found out about yours, can you contact your family today, email them or phone them this evening?

Can you get to see a solicitor today? Find out what you are entitled to, and what rights you have? Surely with seeing prostitutes you can both cite unreasonable behaviour and infidelity?

No need to feel sorry for me! I'm OK really and things are better than they were. I'm only telling my story to show the OP how things are likely to turn out if she doesn't act now.

This isn't a question is saying 'leave the bastard' because he doesn't do the drying up. This is 'leave the bastard' because the OP already has absolute proof that he is a nasty man who is prepared to put his own sense of entitlement to a cheap thrill over the health and happiness of his family.

This must be horrible while you're at work, trying to keep up a brave face and still trying to create a good impression. Is there an HR department or would your boss be someone you could confide in?

Would be possible for you to book a flight to your parents and tell them the truth of what's been going on. Would it help to be with them right now?

One of the things that will help you with your resolve is to tell people about it. It becomes real then, in a way that posting on the net isn't. If a close friend told you all this, you know what you would say, don't you?

We have the telephone and the ability to skype so you are creating your own sense of isolation.

Phone your friends/parents and tell them . You need some support from people who love you.

I thought when I opened this it was going to be about a DH getting lairy at a party or something... Lonely no one should have to put up with this lying (cos he is - no way is his story true) and the risk to their health and well-being. Book an appointment with a solictor today and strike while the iron is hot. Show him you have some teeth, because right now he has no respect for you and never will. If anyone gives you any shit about this - tell them the truth. He's relying on you to hide his shame and take it on as your own.

You are going to have to be very strong but you will realise how terrible he has been and consider yourself to have had a lucky escape in the future. Tell the solicitor and someone you trust IRL (they don't have to be close geographically, just call them) and you'll get the support you need because noone will advise you to work on this relationship.

If you split up, would you want to stay in this country? If not, go now. Can you spend Christmas with your parents?

itsallgonetitsup i feel for you and yes I do not want to be in that boat. All the support on this forum cannot express how much it means to be able to talk about it. The shame of talking to friends and family about it in person is going to be difficult to bear, more so for him.

I need to be strong and one day I will be happy again, without him. I just need to decide what the next steps are once I get home. I am not ready to share it with work just yet. I nearly cracked up trying to book an STI appointment in the middle of work corridors.

I have confided in my sister that I am unhappy but she doesn't know the reason why. I told her i will talk to her when I am ready to share.

You are being so brave. It is a lot to cope with. You need to share this now and get some support.

You do not need toworry about how difficult it is going to be for him to bear

Don't protect him

Why should you ? The shame is his. This is how men get away with this behaviour in the first place. For some reason I have never been able to fathom, their female partners think the shame is theirs and they must live a lie!

If my husband did this I would sing like a fucking canary.

One more voice saying the same thing OP. It may not feel like it now but you have had a lucky escape. It is normal to feel vulnerable and insecure whilst pregnant or with young children - and that is in a trusting, faithful relationship. You will probably feel (and feel you look) pretty ropey quite often during the early years with kids. Even less sex, lack of sleep to add to the equation. Is this the man you want to embark on that journey with? You are young and sound lovely. Share all the momentous times to come with someone who deserves you. This is your xmas present to yourself- make a start now. Good luck.

Yes, this isn't your shame at all. That's all his. It's got nothing to do with you at all. No-one with even half a brain would blame you for his behaviour, or for getting yourself out of this relationship. Not one worthwhile person will tell you that you should stay married to a man who pays for sex.

My ex used prostitutes without my knowledge and gave same excuses until i did some investigating and found my gut instinct was right. He was lying. He is addicted to the thrill. Counselling will only work if you both want it. I'm so sorry. I was humiliated and blamed myself. I gave him another chance but the trust was totally broken. I wish i had waled away. It has damaged my self esteem.