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Original poster

DH nearly kissed a stranger - broke my trust what do i do?

115 replies

lonelybee · 12/12/2011 09:03

woman with kisses signed off. On confronting him he confessed to have texted an escort service for some company and purely out of curiosity. I flipped - we talked - we agreed to work on things - all of this took me a year to forgive him and get back on track. We were happy then or so I thought. We have had issues in the bedroom department - barely have sex once a month, but i didn't think much of it. I know stupid me! Thinking he was comfortable with us not constantly at it like rabbits. We love each other and always kissed, snogged, cuddled lots and the occasional frisking in bed

This weekend after nearly 2 years, I read a message on his phone again, this time asking a girl if 15mins includes french kissing or not and meet up at a room in a cheap hotel in the same city. The escort or whatever agency thsi was booked the hotel. i confronted him and he said he walked up to the room but never did anything. he said it was just purely his sexual urges but never anything more. The usual begs for forgiveness, but this time i am too hurt and sad as weeks ago i had been on the TTC forums discussing how excited i am to be starting a family and now this happens. He admitted that its happened 3 times before but its just a thrill he gets from texting. Hes very shy when it comes to women in general, but he did say he went up to the room and knocked on the door and then turned back. (I am not sure if i believe that)

We are sleeping in separate rooms and not talking much. my eyes are a bit sore and i am not sure what to do. I dont want to leave him as we have so much love in our marraige but what do i do about the lack of trust? Do i give him a third chance? Marraige counselling? Leaving him is too difficult to think about and sadly I love him very much. Has anyone experienced this situation before?

OP posts:
waterrat · 12/12/2011 09:47

sorry - one last point..'walked up to the room and walked away'??? absolute bollocks.

Original poster
lonelybee · 12/12/2011 09:48

I have booked in for an STI check now.
We haven't had sex because he always initiates it but I work long hours and am always too tired or have some other excuse.
Leaving him has crossed my mind... but I want to give him one last chance. Is that really low self-esteem? I am not sure why, but I want this to work. He has been texting and appologizing all weekend, and he really wants it to work and the thought of loosing me is terrifying him. I asked him where this thought was when he turned up to the hotel room? He said he knows hes done a terrible thing for the second time and is beggin me not to leave him and he wants to change.

OP posts:
sternface · 12/12/2011 09:52

Yes you must have very low-esteem and sorry, but you're incredibly gullible.

Haven't you also wondered why you're staying with someone you don't really want sex with?

bubblechristmaspop · 12/12/2011 09:53

Yes it is low self asteem that is keeping you there. Again.

Ok your husband is a liar.

He is a serial cheat.

He is a habitual user of prostitutes.

He phones them and books them. Once clarifying the sexual services she offers.

He turns up.

He pays cash. So the cc isn't charged.

Your husband is a regular user of prostitutes, this won't change. It will get more frequent if you have children. As you won't be having as much sex, the dc's will get your attention and not him and he will have to go getting his "love" elsewhere.

He has done this what 2, 3 times now? Men who use prostitutes like this, tend to have a habit, they just can't kick, so they hide it.

You are setting yourself up for misery op.

MmeLindor. · 12/12/2011 09:58

What are the chances that he has only done this twice and you have caught him both times?

Is it not more likely that he has done it a number of times and you have only caught him these two times.

I am sorry. I know this is not what you want to hear.

QuintessentiallyFestive · 12/12/2011 10:01

of course, he is saying this.

I bet he said the same thing the last time too?

Did he change then?

QueenCess · 12/12/2011 10:02

Definitely low self esteem.

These are the incidents that you have found out about......how many others?

You don't know how long he has been doing this so the sexual health check is vital.

If you forgive this you are effectively telling him to continue. He will just don the tin hat when you next find out -until your anger subsides again.

What evidence do you have that he will stop -because he has said so? He did that the first time and continued.....what's changed?

How many more times do you want to live through this?

Doha · 12/12/2011 10:07

As l said --don't be a fool OP.

Of course he regrets it and wants a 3rd chance. How many are you prepared to give him? How long are you prepared to let your confidence and self esteem be chipped away?
How long are you prepared to put your own health and sexual health at risk?
Of course he is terrified of loosing you, how easy would it be to fool a new partner and he has fooled you.
He is having his cake and eating it and there is NO WAY he will change that now, no mater what he says.

Original poster
lonelybee · 12/12/2011 10:11

He admitted to other incidents of texting girls, but not actually turning up in person. Said this was the first time he turned up, i have no trust left in him to believe him.

I will be having a serious think about leaving tonight. An STI check up - what a lovely merry christmas to me :(

OP posts:
feelokaboutit · 12/12/2011 10:11

lonelybee
I want to reiterate that nearly 30 is nothing and you will not "end up alone" I promise...... there is no rush to procreate but I'd say what you do need to consider carefully is the kind of life you want to live... ie. not with someone who lies and cheats

QuintessentiallyFestive · 12/12/2011 10:12

Especially no reason for him to change as you have forgiven and accepted on two occasion he has been found out so far... You are teaching him that begging and pleading and texting you (fgs, over such an important issue, you dont text, you talk), will suffice. I am sure he can live with an unpleasant weekend on the sofa, now and then, in exchange of continuing his exciting life with high class escorts.

QuintessentiallyFestive · 12/12/2011 10:14

You sound lovely. You wont end up alone.

I think you are pretty alone now, with a man who hurts you so much. He is supposed to be your life partner, not a liar and a cheat.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 12/12/2011 10:20

You say you cannot trust him

Then why would you stay with him ?

Unless you are prepared to negotiate an open relationship (where of course you get to go off and seek thrills with other men), then you are in for a hell of an unhappy time, love

he apologised again. A few texts, a few crocodile tears, a few empty promises. Again.

so what ? he isn't going to change

why would he ? the message you are giving loud and clear is that you are prepared to overlook his sleazy and disrespectul behaviour repeatedly

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 12/12/2011 10:21

love, think about who has ruined your christmas, and whether he deserves to still be in your life to ruin it next year too

Littlemissnegative · 12/12/2011 10:32

OP could you get in touch with the escort agency and ask them what their policy is on no shows? Then you would have absolute proof he is lying although I'm with everyone else and don't believe him at all. You are not yet 30, you have so much time to meet someone who deserves you and have children with them.

Original poster
lonelybee · 12/12/2011 10:40

Its looking like leaving him is the only sensible choice I have. I think I won't be able to cope doing it over christmas and facing family and friends. I would rather take some time and do it in the new year.

I def don't want my children to be raised by some one like that. 10 years of love and friendship and memories all destroyed by such an act. How can he do this to us? I feel so betrayed and broken

OP posts:
sternface · 12/12/2011 10:40

What everyone is saying is true OP. You are far more alone now than you would be without this bloke. Imagine a life when you didn't have to keep looking at his phone, or wonder where he is? Imagine being with a man who unleashed your sex drive, who you wanted all the time and not just to conceive? Imagine being able to trust a kind man who liked women as people and not sex objects?

Imagine yourself in a few years time, thinking that you had such a lucky escape finding all this out before you had children and lifelong ties that bind?

You've actually had the best Christmas present ever, if you did but know it.

Doha · 12/12/2011 10:41

Lonelybee l would bet my last dollar this is not the first time he turned up and l dont believe he walked away from the door.
He is treating you loke a fool and only admitting what he can get away with, you canot prove anything different BUT l think in your heart of hearts you know he is not telling the truth AGAIN

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 12/12/2011 10:48

My heart always sinks when women say "they can't" leave someone just before xmas, although it would be patently in their best interests

he will, of course, be lovely over xmas, your resolve will wither, and he gets away with it again

< sigh >

MissLazarus · 12/12/2011 10:49

Only have short time to post but have to pipe up as someone who unfortunately has experience of this. Please accept that the just a talk and a kiss thing is a lie. This is what I was told too and it took me another 5 years to discover it was just a massive lie. Noone takes the risk of going to prostitutes for a kiss and a cuddle. This isn't Pretty Woman.

Please please don't get trapped by having children with this man. I can promise you that if this is going on now it will double when you have babies to take your energy, your time and (to shallow men such as these) your looks. Please don't condemn yourself to a life of suspicion and pain. This is your chance to get out. Don't miss it. I wish that I had had the chance that you have today. Take this opportunity because it will be a million times harder to leave once you have kids. (sorry to be so dogmatic it's not like me at all but I feel so strongly about this!!).

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 12/12/2011 10:51

MissL, you speak sense

Would you have listened if somebody had warned you before you had children with him ? I ask out of interest, because it seems OP will stay with him for more of the same treatment. What would it have taken for you to cut your losses and get away from someone like him ?

LEttletownofBOFlehem · 12/12/2011 10:56

Yes, this isn't "nearly kissing a stranger": it is "obsessing over prostitutes". Even if his version of events is true (and of COURSE it isn't), would you really want to stay with somebody who is turned on by the idea of paying to use somebody sexually? Prostitution is a pretty grotty business, and it says a lot about his attitude to women that ge seems so fascinated by it. Just yuck. This is not somebody to have children with.

BlameItOnTheBogey · 12/12/2011 10:57

Nearly 30 really is young. 4 years down the line when you have two small kids, a figure which shows it and you are knackered by lack of sleep and you find out he is doing this again it will be much harder to leave him. I know this is awful but you can't live your life like this. He is sleeping with them you know? I'm sorry this is so awful but it is easier to leave now than it will eve be in the future (no matter how awful it feels).
Good luck.

QuintessentiallyFestive · 12/12/2011 10:57

Why not kick him out before Christmas?

You have no children to "make it magical" for? You have nothing to be ashamed of.

Just say you could no longer stand by and see your dh spend money on prostitutes as you disagree in principle in the use of escorts.

LEttletownofBOFlehem · 12/12/2011 10:58

Oh, and yes, get out before Christmas- you can go and visit your family while he packs his stuff, or send him to his family. The shame is all his, and the sooner you can name it and tell people close to you, the sooner you will get their support and love.

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