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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH nearly kissed a stranger - broke my trust what do i do?

115 replies

lonelybee · 12/12/2011 09:03

woman with kisses signed off. On confronting him he confessed to have texted an escort service for some company and purely out of curiosity. I flipped - we talked - we agreed to work on things - all of this took me a year to forgive him and get back on track. We were happy then or so I thought. We have had issues in the bedroom department - barely have sex once a month, but i didn't think much of it. I know stupid me! Thinking he was comfortable with us not constantly at it like rabbits. We love each other and always kissed, snogged, cuddled lots and the occasional frisking in bed

This weekend after nearly 2 years, I read a message on his phone again, this time asking a girl if 15mins includes french kissing or not and meet up at a room in a cheap hotel in the same city. The escort or whatever agency thsi was booked the hotel. i confronted him and he said he walked up to the room but never did anything. he said it was just purely his sexual urges but never anything more. The usual begs for forgiveness, but this time i am too hurt and sad as weeks ago i had been on the TTC forums discussing how excited i am to be starting a family and now this happens. He admitted that its happened 3 times before but its just a thrill he gets from texting. Hes very shy when it comes to women in general, but he did say he went up to the room and knocked on the door and then turned back. (I am not sure if i believe that)

We are sleeping in separate rooms and not talking much. my eyes are a bit sore and i am not sure what to do. I dont want to leave him as we have so much love in our marraige but what do i do about the lack of trust? Do i give him a third chance? Marraige counselling? Leaving him is too difficult to think about and sadly I love him very much. Has anyone experienced this situation before?

OP posts:

SadlyNo · 15/12/2011 16:17

Dear AnyFuckerForAMincePie, Congratulations! You have won an all expenses paid trip to Timbuktu...

In your inbox any day now, I bet

GoingForGoalWeight · 15/12/2011 16:26

Some relationships survive infidelity with or without professional help.One persons' experience is different to another. There is still hope.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 15/12/2011 19:17

SadlyNo

yay

< starts divorce proceedings >

< buys new holiday wardrobe >

AliveFiveO · 15/12/2011 19:32

counselling will only work if he is HONEST

Is there such a thing as a coniving, dishonest CHEAT? They're all compulsive liars and good at it too!!!!!!!! Once a cheat, always a cheat. It would have happened before and it will happen again. They don't give a fuck about anyone but themselves! He couldn't give a toss about you!

CharlieBoo · 15/12/2011 19:36

How are you lonelybee?

AKissIsNotAContract · 15/12/2011 20:09

This man not only has sex with prostitutes but clarifies beforehand that they will French kiss him. While I feel really sorry for you OP I also feel quite sorry for the women he uses in this way. It's really grim and much worse IMO than an affair with a willing woman.

The reason I think there is far more than just the prostitute issue is that good relationships build your self esteem. If this man is so wonderful in all other ways then why is your self esteem so low?

pinkyredrose · 15/12/2011 20:11

If you're giving this man another chance you must be fucking desperate.

You sound lovely OP you could do alot better.

BayPolar · 15/12/2011 20:24

Sigh.
'Love' is blind.
This man doesn't deserve this chance.
He has done the worst thing.
More than once.
And if he strayed because he wasn't getting enough at home, then there is obviously something wrong with your relationship to begin with - unless, that is - you both agree that a lax sex life is fine, that you get to love each other in other ways, but I don't quite think that kind of loving rocks his boat, hence his disgusting move into the world of prostitutes.
He sounds lovely, not, worth going to counselling for, not.
Some women will never learn and this is why MN relationships thread is so busy.
I was hoping this would be another of the many MN success stories.
Instead I think it's going to end in more tears.
Good luck.

carmenelectra · 15/12/2011 21:17

think there are plenty of situations where counselling would be worthwhile.
Post prossie shagging would not be one of them.

Charbon · 16/12/2011 11:27

OP I saw your posts on a thread I was on a while back and they led me to this one.

You seriously need to stop seeing any counsellor who suggests that you develop an interest in porn. I would go further and make an official complaint to Relate.

Going to Relate is a terrible idea for this sort of problem, but I'm afraid I think your decision to stay and work through this while there are so many lies, will damage you now and in the future.

Original poster

lonelybee · 19/12/2011 10:08

I have had the weekend to myself. Went for a walk in town by myself, everywhere I looked people happily shopping for christmas, german markets (something we used to enjoy together every year) it was all too much to bear or look around and not cry.

The sadness is slowly being replaced by anger and disappointment, we have talked this weekend calmly and it seemed to soothe me a bit. I believe him when he says he didn't do anything and couldn't go through with it. His issues with watching porn and not communicating / confronting the lack of intimacy in our sex life is partly to do with his parents stifling upbringing (which if you met his parents you would instantly understand) Charbon we are seeing a different counsellor now.

I am now wondering how we are going to move past this, it's changed the way I see him now. Family planning is most def on hold and it hurts to even think about it or even look at other children.

I questioned the word "love", but then I thought if I didn't love him I wouldn't feel the pain in my heart, the hurt and the sadness every time I look at him. If there was no love, then nothing would have stopped me from leaving and he wouldn't have wanted to work on saving us.

I miss him, even though we live in the same house right now. But he will have to work hard - very hard, to replace what he has destroyed - the trust, the honesty and the respect.

OP posts:

Haziedoll · 19/12/2011 10:23

I will forgive anything once. But I never ever forgive a second time.

The first time was despicable but I could forgive if I were in that situation. We are all humans and we all make mistakes.

The second time is unforgivable for me. I am pretty sure he slept with the woman. He is prioritising his sexual fantasies over your needs and doesn't seem bothered about the betrayal.

The fact that you have been in a similar situation before and he has already seen the pain that he has caused you shows that he doesn't care for you.

pinkyredrose · 19/12/2011 20:46

Yes I bet he doesn't want to lose you. He'd have to find some-one else willing to put up with his crap. It's easier to say what you want to hear and make you think that this time he really means it.

I wish you the best of luck, sadly I think you're going to need it.

pinkyredrose · 19/12/2011 20:47

oh nad the lack of intimacy in our sex life is partly to do with his parents stifling upbringing

erm, how exactly?

pinkyredrose · 19/12/2011 20:48

and not nad!

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