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Original poster

Is a snog considered being unfaithful in a long term relationship?

153 replies

waitingfornaru · 05/12/2011 17:08

Or not?

OP posts:
MrMeaner · 06/12/2011 08:14

I'm with Clarry on most of this one... A few drunken snogs reminds me of how attractive my DW can be 'from the outside' when sometimes it's easy to forget...

If it then developed into something emotional and secretive, then a different story...

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 06/12/2011 09:22

Gosh, measuring your partners attractiveness by how many drunken snogs they can garner seems a bit odd and a bit "cuckoo" to me

seeker · 06/12/2011 09:25

"drunken snogs" - eeeeww!

bubblechristmaspop · 06/12/2011 09:32

I'd be really angry if my husband drunken snogged someone and infact it would be a deal breaker and showed to me he had no self control.

He dosen't actually drink, he dosen't like it.

If I were to do it, I'd expect to be out on my arse. He'd be furious. So it's not just "irrational" women. He'd go spare.

Nothing about control, I go out plenty on my own, as does he. However there is just an intimacy and a line you don't cross. I'd never want to snog anyone else sober, so I wouldn't drunk. If I really started to lapse judgement after drinking, I'd stop.

PostBellumBugsy · 06/12/2011 09:36

I don't think you can take one snog on its on without any context & decide the answer to this.

Disgustingly drunken snog on a Christmas do, whilst deeply unattractive and letting yourself down, wouldn't constitute infidelity - just foolishness. A meaningful snog in an intimate moment, that you absolutely would not tell your partner/DH/DW about, is an event that lacks fidelity. There are various gradations of intent between those two scenarios.

bubblechristmaspop · 06/12/2011 09:39

I dunno, call me old fashioned at 30. I just couldn't get drunk enough, that I'd show myself up by going around snogging people. Especially at a works do, where the ramifications could be 10 fold.

I know it happens a lot, but don't be fooled. These women don't have a good reputation around the office. Sadly it is always the woman the mud sticks too. They are being sniggered at sadly. It never gets forgotten.

Again whether it's infidelity or not to some, there is the questionable aspect of that persons character.

MrMeaner · 06/12/2011 09:54

I take being called 'cuckoo' by AF as one of the highest accolades ;-)

Still, I stand by my point - delete the 'drunken' from 'drunken snog' and still not an issue from my side. Perfectly understand why for many it is though - all about boundaries and honesty with each other I guess...

worldgonecrazy · 06/12/2011 09:55

It depends entirely on the relationship. If you're not bothered and DH isn't bothered then no it's not infidelity because you are being honest with each other, the trust is not broken. If it is something to be kept secret then yes, you are breaking trust.

ElaineReese · 06/12/2011 09:55

Yes, it is.

I'd forgive it, and hope to be forgiven, but it is.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 06/12/2011 10:01

Take it any way you like, MrM

tethersjinglebellend · 06/12/2011 10:22

Taking it any way you like counts too.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 06/12/2011 10:25

I believe there are special places you can visit for that kind of thing Xmas Smile

ClarryKitten · 06/12/2011 14:27

Blimey you're all so possessive. My point has never been about whether or not its right to keep secrets from you partner. All im trying to do is identify why you feel that kissing, outside of marriage, in a harmless context is wrong.

I will have to presume that a great portion of you are superficial and that you think the mere act of another woman touching your partners lips, however mundane that event may be, is wrong. Could those who would find it upsetting if their partners did do this please explain WHY they would find it upsetting? What if he were to rub noses with another woman? hold her hand? share a box of chocolates?

For me, it really only counts if your partner has sex with someone else. I can only feel a sense of ownership over my partner where there is a biological foundation - as in, he's the father of MY children and he should be 100% committed to that choice and i would be instinctively angry and upset if he were to sleep with someone else as it undermines that commitment.

Everything else is just self expression and i would feel awful if my partner were reigned in by my insecurity.

I don't think its usually women who are jealous and needy, far from it, its just im chatting here mainly with women. There are many men who hate their partners going out with girl friends let alone having male friends! its pathetic.

cookingfat · 06/12/2011 14:36

I'd prefer DH to have a drunken snog with a stranger than a long lunch/emotional discussions with someone he actively fancies.

Would still be livid, but as a one-off it wouldn't be a deal breaker.

worldgonecrazy · 06/12/2011 14:37

clarrykitten I don't know about you, but I generally only snog men if I want to shag them senseless get to know them a lot better. So if I snog another man, it is because, at that moment in time, I want to have sex with him.

As I said upthread, it's not about the rights and wrongs of the kissing. That is for couples to decide their own boundaries. I believe that infidelity is about being dishonest with your partner. If I did ever have a drunken snog I would have absolutely no problem telling my husband about it, because we have an honest and open relationship. Knowing my DH, he would probably be of the same opinion as MrMeaner, but then he does get a kick out of knowing other men find me attractive, and we have had quite a few giggles when men have unsuccesfully tried to seduce me in front of him, usually because they have presumed he's my father due to our age difference.

If I did have a snog and didn't tell him, I would be being dishonest and bringing infidelity to the relationship. I would be second-guessing myself as to why I felt I could not be honest with him.

So to sum up, if you can have a drunken snog and are happy to tell your partner, that's fine. If you have a drunken snog and can't tell your partner, that is wrong.

Abitwobblynow · 06/12/2011 15:37

"i would feel awful if my partner were reigned in by my insecurity."

Clarrykitten, please don't have any children, just yet. You are very young and you don't understand boundaries, you don't understand emotional intimacy, and you would be giving them very mixed messages.

Widen that mind. Get your head off the narrow 'casual snog' and think: 3rd party. Triangles. Energy (sexual and emotional) being DIVERTED to an EASIER no history so you can fantasise anything, stranger. Running away from problems that need solving for the easier more pleasurable flirt but the cost being closeness. Secrets and lies. Geddit?

When the person you are shagging (because clearly you are too cool to have a 'binding' relationship) is found to have been having lunch with his co-worker for months, confided in her about how unhappy he is with you, told her really private stuff about you (how your inner lips dangle outside and revolt him, say, or your stupid laugh), tells her she is the only one who understands him; and you had no idea he had this secret 'friendship' whom he defends against you,

come and tell us how that all ok and how cool you are with it all, no insecurity, like. Because, you know, they haven't touched eachother and it isn't sex.

Hullygully · 06/12/2011 15:38

no it's fine as long as your lips don't touch cos that's kissing. Just stick your tongues out and entwine them.

Malificence · 06/12/2011 15:59

"What if he were to rub noses with another woman? hold her hand? share a box of chocolates?"
YES (Especially the chocolates) , he is my husband, he belongs to me, as I belong to him, the only person he kisses/has ever kissed is me and vice versa.
If he kissed another woman, drunk or sober , our marriage would be over , and no, I'm not insecure or superficial (whatever the hell that means in this context) , I've been happily married for almost 30 years. He would also feel betrayed if I kissed another man. Kissing is every bit as intimate as sex, if it's not to you, then you're doing it wrong Wink .

LEttletownofBOFlehem · 06/12/2011 16:02

I'm wondering if Clarry is using the same definition of snogging as everyone else?

Malificence · 06/12/2011 16:06

Me too, a good snog is very sexual and is generally the first thing that vanishes when a relationship is in trouble, even when the couple are still having sex .

seeker · 06/12/2011 16:22

""i would feel awful if my partner were reigned in by my insecurity."

If all that was reining my dp in was my insecurity I would feel awful too. Fortunately he is "reined in" by love and commitment and because he likes me better than he likes anyone else.

As Tim Minchin put it (not to me, sadly) "I would give absolutely anything to get naked with you. Except what I've got."

bubblechristmaspop · 06/12/2011 16:33

I was gonna say. In this household a snog can easily have ahem....both parties ready. It's hugely sexual

MrsSchadenfreude · 06/12/2011 18:31

Not.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 06/12/2011 18:31

Snogging certainly gets the tingle going in this household

A direct ley-line with the c l i t for me

So doing it with someone else would feel like cheating

smellsofreindeersick · 06/12/2011 18:46

"eat, drink and be merry" by Gillian Mckeith