Should I let my children see my paedophile FIL?

[FiremanSamsFireEngine]

I hope you can help me with this awful situation. Over 3 years ago, when I was pregnant with our first child, my husband and I discovered that my FIL had been arrested for downloading thousands of the most serious levels of child pornography, systematically for over a year. He plead guilty and was convicted. My DH was shocked and devastated as you can imagine, and I didn't ever want to see him again, and certainly not let our children (we have now had 2 kids) ever have any contact. At the time my husband said that our children would never have to have any contact with him.

Our children have never met my FIL, and my husband has limited contact with his family. 3 years on and my husband now wants our children to attend gatherings of his extended family where his father will be present. He no longer wants his father airbrushed out of our lives.

I am freaking out. I don't see what good it will do to introduce our children this man. It goes against every single one of my instincts to protect them - physically and emotionally. As they get older (they are 3 and 2) they will start to ask more and more questions. I don't know how I will be able to answer why they don't see their grandfather often, why he doesn't touch them (over my dead body) when they see him. What if they go to embrace him? etc etc... It's just going to get more and more complicated and horrible.

A paedophile is someone with a sexual interest in children, not just someone who assaults children. He has demonstrated a seriously dishonest nature (he managed to keep his obsession a secret, even from his wife, for over a year). I do not want our children to have contact with someone like this. It will just get more and more emotionally complicated for everyone.

Me and my husband have been at loggerheads over this for some time. I have finally agreed that we'll attend a family gathering next week and the kids will be introduced to the FIL, but with strict ground rules. Just an introduction: "this is Daddy's daddy", no physical contact, and that this is not the start of some sort of reconcillation. I feel sick about it, and am very worried I am doing the wrong thing in an attempt to make my husband happy (he has acknowledged he is only doing this for himself, not for the kids).

What would you do? Could you imagine yourself ever agreeing to this?

I won't be able to check this forum until tomorrow night, but hope I can get some sense from other people (due to the shameful nature of this I have been unable to talk to friends about it) and will be able to reply then. Thanks in advance

PoppyDoollaly, things have obviously changed since you were a criminal barrister as I was at my FILs sentencing (he plead guilty) and I heard what he was given (a fine, the counselling course and 3 years on the register). It is very common that paedophiles do not receive custodial sentences as WhoWhoWho has experienced (her father actually abused children and still didn't go to prison). It is just an indication of how stretched the prisons are, not the seriousness of the offence.

Also the judge who dealt with my FIL was that infamous one who gave the paedophile babysitting couple who raped an 18 month old baby a tiny little prison sentence, like 18 months or something. So not exactly in touch with the feelings of ordinary people.

This has all been really helpful and me and DH are going to sit down tonight to discuss. Thanks everyone. I'll let you know where we get to, although am at work all day tomorrow.

I worked with a guy who was convicted of a very similar charge and also only got a community rehabilitation order and a short period on the sex offenders register so don't doubt the FIL sentence.

My ex colleague's fiance stood by him, married him, and had two children with him after he plead guilty.

Some people are just all wrong.

The second most shocking thing about this thread is that there are so many posters coming forward with relatives that have been convicted. How many of these b*stards are about?

OP I think it is great you are talking to people through Mumsnet. Your DH's relatives have such a skewed view of what is normal, I think it really important that you surround yourself (even if anon) with 'normal' people who think like you and can help keep you strong. Last night when I read this thread I was cross with you for even asking the question, but now I feel for this horrible position you have been put in where his family are projecting their angst onto you rather than facing the real issue of the behaviour of that animal. How bloody dare they.

I feel for your husband but he needs to put his kids first. No way should they Have any contact with this man. Paedophiles are very manipulative and I think it's dangerous to even open the door slightly to letting him in to your family's life. This man lost all rights to have contact with his grandchildren when he chose to act as he did.

What a tragic situation.
I can totally see both your and your DH's point of view
viewing images of cihild abuse does seem to be regarded with less severity in peoples minds.
My exBiL had alot of images of this kind on his computer and when Dsis told my parents they were getting divorced my parents were livid with her for not trying to make her marriage work. For me DH and thankfully all of her friends it was a GAME OVER situation, no discussion required.
Stay strong and do not let this man split up a happy marriage. Your DH MUST understand that there is NO WAY his dad can spend time with your children, whatever the fall out.

Good luck

Pinkpanetonne yes there are a lot of posters with family members and convicted friends etc because sadly that's society

I wonder where all the posters are who DO allow their children contact with convicted child abusers??

They are absent on here - NOT so real life

Surely they should have the courage of their convictions?

Given the nature of his crime, and the fact that he has been let back into the system with therapy, you must at least give him the benefit of the doubt in that he is rehabilitated.

I know someone else has already picked out the above quote but Jesus Christ

Benefit of doubt to 'rehabilitated' convicted paedophile vs safety of small children. Benefit of nothing. He is entitled to nothing from you or from anyone.

Comradejing, I know. It is completely unthinkable to me - I just cannot comprehend their decision to allow their father/fil into such a position of trust. DH told his friend that he hoped to God they didn't live to regret this...

Who gives a tiny rats arse if he has been 'rehabilitated'? Has he been castrated? Has he had a labotomy?

Still no. The damage is done

Applauds Orange!

Mr OP's husand, grow a pair. You're pretty sick to even consider putting your children around this man. EVER. And your family is your wife and kids, not these deniers who find is acceptable to put a paedo around kids EVER.

OP: I couldn't. I just couldn't. But I really feel for you being put under so much (very misguided) pressure. But my kids would come first - and have done - at the cost of my relationship (but for very different reasons). You are between a rock and a hard place, but the safety of your children must come before the sensitivities of adults who have the choice - those poor kiddies in the photos didn't have a choice......

OP: I couldn't. I just couldn't. But I really feel for you being put under so much (very misguided) pressure. But my kids would come first - and have done - at the cost of my relationship (but for very different reasons). You are between a rock and a hard place, but the safety of your children must come before the sensitivities of adults who have the choice - those poor kiddies in the photos didn't have a choice......

I was once involved a case about a paedophile network. The bufter who ran it - the youngest boy I saw was 3yo - was let off with a month's probation. The judge had been in his old regiment.

Far Too Big A Risk, not now not ever! It's like talking to someone on a diet, 'I know you can't help yourself but I thought I'd bring some big bars of chocolate round', substitute children and a sexual urge hundreds of times stronger, add to that someone who thinks there's nothing wrong with their sexual drive and you've got a recipe for ruined little lives. No, No and NO!

English (Britain, Australia, America) No
English (America) [informal] Nope
English (America) [informal] Uh-uh
English [Strine dialect] (Australia) Nut
English [Texan] (Texas United States) Naw
English [Michigan slang] (Michigan USA) Nah
English [Michigan slang] (Michigan USA) No way
English [Middle English] (old Britain) Na
English [old English] (older Britain) Nese
[Eskimo, see Inuktitut and Inuttut]
Esperanto (international use) Ne

I could go on but you get my drift. NO

Noooooooooooo!

You ask what would I do...
I would not let this person near my children EVER never never never ever ever.
He is sick and as a parent you need to protect your children, your husband is so in the wrong on this

The only time your FIL will not be a danger to your children is when he is DEAD

As far as I'm concerned if a bloke (or woman I s'pose) has sexual preferences be it S&M, big-busted blondes or children then that is their nature.

You can't "rehab" them surely? That's like trying to "pray away the gay" like they do in the states.

I have several friends who work in special ops to catch these bastards. The re-offending rate over here is terribly high, (over 90%?) as they are adept at telling the authorities what they want to hear, & unless they get caught no one knows.

Of course he'll say he's changed, he's playing the long game & grooming the whole family who (understandably) want to get things "back to normal"

OP it's horrible for you but your poor DH is being conned.

So let me get this clear: your FIL enjoyed sitting in front of his computer and masturbating while viewing images of children being raped. He had THOUSANDS of these kind of photos and probably engaged in this type of behaviour hundreds of times before getting caught.

No, there is no way I would let ANY child in my care get in contact with this man, EVER.

Would you put another psychologically ill person with a child? Say a serial murderer? No, you wouldn't.

There's your answer.

Hell would freeze over before I'd agree to this.
If it were me, I would not let MIL take photos of DC either.