Should I let my children see my paedophile FIL?

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I hope you can help me with this awful situation. Over 3 years ago, when I was pregnant with our first child, my husband and I discovered that my FIL had been arrested for downloading thousands of the most serious levels of child pornography, systematically for over a year. He plead guilty and was convicted. My DH was shocked and devastated as you can imagine, and I didn't ever want to see him again, and certainly not let our children (we have now had 2 kids) ever have any contact. At the time my husband said that our children would never have to have any contact with him.

Our children have never met my FIL, and my husband has limited contact with his family. 3 years on and my husband now wants our children to attend gatherings of his extended family where his father will be present. He no longer wants his father airbrushed out of our lives.

I am freaking out. I don't see what good it will do to introduce our children this man. It goes against every single one of my instincts to protect them - physically and emotionally. As they get older (they are 3 and 2) they will start to ask more and more questions. I don't know how I will be able to answer why they don't see their grandfather often, why he doesn't touch them (over my dead body) when they see him. What if they go to embrace him? etc etc... It's just going to get more and more complicated and horrible.

A paedophile is someone with a sexual interest in children, not just someone who assaults children. He has demonstrated a seriously dishonest nature (he managed to keep his obsession a secret, even from his wife, for over a year). I do not want our children to have contact with someone like this. It will just get more and more emotionally complicated for everyone.

Me and my husband have been at loggerheads over this for some time. I have finally agreed that we'll attend a family gathering next week and the kids will be introduced to the FIL, but with strict ground rules. Just an introduction: "this is Daddy's daddy", no physical contact, and that this is not the start of some sort of reconcillation. I feel sick about it, and am very worried I am doing the wrong thing in an attempt to make my husband happy (he has acknowledged he is only doing this for himself, not for the kids).

What would you do? Could you imagine yourself ever agreeing to this?

I won't be able to check this forum until tomorrow night, but hope I can get some sense from other people (due to the shameful nature of this I have been unable to talk to friends about it) and will be able to reply then. Thanks in advance

What a horrible situation

I would NEVER let my children near this man, no matter how emotionally difficult it was for me or DH. I could never take the chance, I would not allow any pictures or information about my children to be taken to him. They deserve a healthy upbringing and do not need this vile behaviour intruding into their lives.

Your FIL was convicted and yes completed his courses. However, even if he is 'better' can never be trusted again. He gave up his rights of becoming a GF by acting on perverse fantasies instead of seeking help. This he has to live with and if truley re-habilitated would respect the children a whole lot more than this.

Please go with your gut instinct, please don't take your children. Don't put yoursel or them into a 'what if' scenario of this nature.

No. Never. Trust your instincts and put your children first. Goodluck I feel for you x

haven't read all the posts, but what an awful situation to be in.

but my gut reaction is to absolutely not go- what possible good could it do for your children. Does your husband understand that his father will NEVER be 'cured", he may never be caught again, but research shows that sex offenders will re offend. It is in them and that is it. they are highly manipulative- hence the reason I would imagine your MIL is still with him.

It is sad, but you have to protect your babies.

I don't understand why it is even an issue

If this happened in my family, as painful as the consequences may be in terms of breaking up the family, I would NEVER EVER speak to or see that man again and he would certainly never see my children again. It would be a complete non-issue. I wouldnt have to think for more than a second about it.

Frankly, I am appalled that your DH is even considering letting his children around a man he knows to be a paedophile.

The most serious level of child sex abuse photos, you said. Have you any idea what this means? How horrific these photos must have been? The suffering the children involved must have had inflicted upon them?

Any member of the family that is in denial about this and is siding with your FIl deserves to be shunned, too. For crying out loud!

Awful situation OP. Your DH is clearly in denial as he wants everything to be ok. He needs a lot of counselling to understand his feelings and it would not surprise me if there are things your DH would rather forget about his childhood. Not necessarily abuse but some feeling that everything was not ok. If he wants a relationship with his father that is his choice. There is no way he can ever introduce your DCs to him, not at a family gathering, never. Not even photographs.

Even if you were to allow contact, what would you do later when DCs are old enough to ask why they are not allowed to be alone with him? If he wants to foster a relationship with them and contacts them on a social networking site? or under a false name pretending to be another child? it doesn't have to be about him finding your DCs sexually attractive, this man mixes with people who actively abuse children.

Ask you DH how he would explain to DCs that their father thought it fine to introduce them to a confirmed paedophile. How could you live with this with hindsight? Your instincts are screaming for a reason.

No no no no no

Sorry but I wouldn't let my children within 100 miles of him. I actually wouldn't want him to have access to my address or phone number either to be honest. As you alluded to, paedophilia is not an action it is a state of mind and does not go away. I think you need to trust your instincts and be strong for your children.

all those who allow their children contact with an ex (?) offender are noticable by their absence on this thread

Ok, caught up, read the whole thread.

Wow, OP, as you said there is level on level of openly displayed dysfunction going on here, imho.

Err on the side of safety: there is probably (I have not researched the compairson) much more validated research supporting the crime repetition circumstance than there is for "proven" "cures". The counselling could be nothing more than time warming a chair to such criminals, following the cooperative script to completion. This is speculation, just saying.

In my very humble opinion, dh...needs counselling, big time. Does he still consider himself as a 'child' in the family dynamic? Does he feel that he does not have a voice from himself that is valid? It seems his children are invisible to him, and he may well be invisible to himself, as in hhe doesn't matter-he must follow with the other sheep in the herd. His need to maintain this connection might be tied into a desperate attempt to preserve his identiy on some very deep level.

I get what SolidGoldBrass was saying, in that dh's opinion ought to be respected too. I see no problem with dh having contact for himself with his father/family, but, imho, for all the consideration, OP still has the right to say 'no' to her husband to protect dc.

The herding dynamic of the cousins, siblings, extended family etc is a shock for me in these circumstances. I think this is the eye of the storm for you, OP...the force of the manipulation of the plurality working against you. They are acting as one big organism with their family myths functioning in high gear to prop up the 'happy families' image.

But you know what, FSFE? Their distorted thinking will never magically transform the horrid reality into a puffy cloud of harmonious bliss! Hell no it will not. All of those people are wrong. You are right. Yes, the outsider can see clearly and think for herself.

I do not question that you had the thread in 08 and are back again. Support is here as many times as you need it. Also, I feel it wouldn't be a waste of time for you to have a RL counsellor as part of your support team because you are up against alot here.

Just to add. I have known people who have worked with Paedophiles, they say that these are very crafty people, who are totally willing to lie with no compunction; and are also often lying to themselves.
Actually I was thinking about one paedophile I knew as a teenager (the father of a friend); I think nowadays he would have been much more dangerous, as there just wasn't the access to child porn then that there is now, which would have fed his fantasies.
I think your DH needs to get some counselling, and unfortunately some unpleasant things about his past may come out during such counselling.

I don't think anyone can know or guess whether or not he's been rehabilitated - the man might not even know himself. It's kind of a moot point.

What matters is that this person paid money so he could be turned on by pictures of children being abused and raped, and some of them had probably been abducted, sold and trafficked. Can you imagine the fear? He supported that. That's the sort of person he is.

I understand why your dh isn't seeing it straight. I don't see why it's a divorce issue for some at this point: the man loves his father and his memories and everyone else in the family is playing along. This is a horrible, horrible situation that's black and white for us and very grey for him. But you can't, as a family, go to a gathering and plaster a smile on for the relatives.

You can not cure a pervert, he will never be rehabilitated he will always be a pedophile.
Just ask your Husband how he would feel if one of your children came to him in time and said Grandad had abused them?

Your Husbands family sound incredibly fucked up dysfunctional and I think you need to question your Husbands values, do you think he may have been abused by his dad????

Please please look at your children and know that no way no how can you let this pervert near them not now not ever.

LETS SEE IF THIS HELPS YOU ANY....

Should I let my child play on a motorway?

Should I let my child cuddle a crocodile?

Should I let my child eat rat poison?

Should I let my child run on thin ice?

Should I let my child poke nails in the electric sockets?

Should I let my child play with a loaded gun?

Should I let my child play on the roof?

Now the last one, should I let a know sex offender who finds children being sexually abused a turn on any where near my child?????

Would you let your children near a ramdom pedophile or is it ok if it is a family member??? Ask your DH if he would let a pervert near his children if the pervert was not his father!

Toomanystuffedbirds you speak sense

I dont think three years of counselling will help me not feel attracted to men.
I cant help it.

I dont think three years of counselling would make me attracted to say, monkeys instead, however much the counselor would try!

I couldn't stand to be in the same room as him, let alone my dc. It would be all I could think of, that he took sexual pleasure out of watching children being raped and hurt. Vile.

I am late to this thread but if you let your kids see fil how are you going to justify it to them when they are older and learn about what he is? My mum accused her dad of sexually abusing her as a child and when she told us when we were older my siblings and I could not begin to grasp why she let us have unsupervised contact with him during our childhood. I won't hijack your thread with my story, but really, what how will you explain this to your kids when they are older?

Discussed this with someone last night who works with sex offenders. To put it plainly, there is NO rehabilitation, only the skills to say the right thing. It can't be cured, got over, moved on from. The attraction to children is there and it never goes away. They just get better at not getting caught. It doesn't stop.
The studies and projects that claim to be sucessful only prove that realistically you can appear to fit in with social norms. The offences do not stop.

No bloody way would my child go anywhere near this man. Let your husband go on his own.

NotnOtter-Thanks .

I will come clean and say - I've been in ops position - realised error of my ways and seen the light. Many I know still allow the contact. Many also criticise me and dp for preventing contact. Go figure

NotnOtter-they criticize you and your dh because that is light years easier than looking at the horrid truth of the circumstances. Scapegoat fricassee anyone? I am sorry for you that you have this in your life. I am happy for your dc in that they have Rockin' Parents!

FSFE, you will probably have the same experience in that the myth based organism of inlaws' clan might rather have the easier option to focus the negative energy on the non-believer: you (and lets hope your dh). The Cult of Denial: stay away!

I agree with others who have said that the mil taking photos of your darling children to take back to fil is nauseating, to put it mildly. Imho, there really should be a boundary there as his crimes were operational on photos.

Some crimes are just too awful to be forgiven. It was your MIL's choice to stay married to him and it is your DH's choice whether to keep a relationship with his father. Unfortunately, your DC don't have the knowledge to make that choice about whether they want to meet someone who could pose a real threat to their physical and mental health in the future.

The way that I see it is that you, as their mother, have to make that choice for your children. You need to protect them because even if FIL appears to have changed you can't guarantee that he won't do it again, can you?

Stay away from him as he made his choice the first time that he looked at the first revolting picture. It won't enhance your life or your children's by seeing him but it could prove to be the worst decision you ever make. Why take that risk?

I don't see this as an issue you have to compromise with your DH on! I see this as, quite simply, a situation where your DH is completely blinded. I'm sorry but he has NO RIGHT to expect this of you or your children! It may not happen, but what if, when they're older, they blame you for not protecting you from this man.

We can't wrap our children in cotton wool but to KNOWINGLY have them around a man who, by his nature, may find them sexually attractive? Your CHILDREN? OP - you must already know the answer to this.

And the fact that after much negotiation between you and DH you agreed to it? Ugh, it's horrible! You negotiate things like who will have a drink and who will drive not shall we allow a paedophile into our kids' lives because daddy cares more about his own feelings and relationships than theirs?!

Not sure he'd be my 'd' anything after this! In fact, (getting riled up here) I think he's disgusting! He ADMITS he wants this for selfish reasons?! He sounds like a prick!

Please, please no.
Back in May all sorts hit the fan with my Father. It is all too complicated to write down here, there is a thread about some place but it boils down to the fact my Father is a paedophile, I found out because he was being investigated by the police for an offence committed in 1969 against a 16 year old boy who he taught. This is triggered very painful memories for me about abuse from him in my childhood, due to the nature of my memories and the offences against me there was no way for the police to do anything and due to the admitted offence being in 1969 all the police were able to achieve was a caution and 2 years on the sex offenders register.
Social services became involved because I and my siblings have young children. I had always been very, very careful when he had been around my children (we saw him twice a year) but as soon as all this started to come out I stopped all contact, he will never get anywhere near my children again, social services have told me that if I ever did let him near my children I would be in big trouble with them, there is no such thing as the at risk register these days but due to my Father there is an open case in regards to my children even though they will never see him again, social services only have my word for that so the case remains open, I would imagine social services would be very alarmed if you started any form of contact with your FIL and your children.
I also have to say that I know neither of my children were ever abused by my Father as he was never left alone with them but certain things about the way my Father thinks about children have come to light and they have nearly broken me, even though I acted on my instincts my Father is likely to have had sexual thoughts about them and this makes me feel like I have failed them and that they have been abused by him, please, please, please don't allow yourself to get in the situation where you have the feelings and thought about this that I have. Keep your children away, speak to social services if you must to make the point to your DH that your children should not be allowed near the man let alone allowed to form any kind of relationship with him, please, I am begging you.