Should I let my children see my paedophile FIL?

[FiremanSamsFireEngine]

I hope you can help me with this awful situation. Over 3 years ago, when I was pregnant with our first child, my husband and I discovered that my FIL had been arrested for downloading thousands of the most serious levels of child pornography, systematically for over a year. He plead guilty and was convicted. My DH was shocked and devastated as you can imagine, and I didn't ever want to see him again, and certainly not let our children (we have now had 2 kids) ever have any contact. At the time my husband said that our children would never have to have any contact with him.

Our children have never met my FIL, and my husband has limited contact with his family. 3 years on and my husband now wants our children to attend gatherings of his extended family where his father will be present. He no longer wants his father airbrushed out of our lives.

I am freaking out. I don't see what good it will do to introduce our children this man. It goes against every single one of my instincts to protect them - physically and emotionally. As they get older (they are 3 and 2) they will start to ask more and more questions. I don't know how I will be able to answer why they don't see their grandfather often, why he doesn't touch them (over my dead body) when they see him. What if they go to embrace him? etc etc... It's just going to get more and more complicated and horrible.

A paedophile is someone with a sexual interest in children, not just someone who assaults children. He has demonstrated a seriously dishonest nature (he managed to keep his obsession a secret, even from his wife, for over a year). I do not want our children to have contact with someone like this. It will just get more and more emotionally complicated for everyone.

Me and my husband have been at loggerheads over this for some time. I have finally agreed that we'll attend a family gathering next week and the kids will be introduced to the FIL, but with strict ground rules. Just an introduction: "this is Daddy's daddy", no physical contact, and that this is not the start of some sort of reconcillation. I feel sick about it, and am very worried I am doing the wrong thing in an attempt to make my husband happy (he has acknowledged he is only doing this for himself, not for the kids).

What would you do? Could you imagine yourself ever agreeing to this?

I won't be able to check this forum until tomorrow night, but hope I can get some sense from other people (due to the shameful nature of this I have been unable to talk to friends about it) and will be able to reply then. Thanks in advance

You allowed yourself also to be pressured by your H and have been ground down by him as a result. Going to any such family gathering allows denial to continue. Your H would rather be in denial than face the horrible truth re his father's actions.

Did your H and yourself ever receive any help or counselling from the police before and after FIL was charged?. It does not sound like it and you've been left to drift ever since.

Denial and minimising of such abuse is commonplace amongst families where abuse has taken place. Your MIL chooses to stay with this man for her own reasons. Your H is conflicted but his desire to see his Dad cannot override what his Dad chose to do.

I very much doubt also that his name too has been removed from the sexual offenders register.

I am so shocked at the reaction of your Dh and the wider family - you are completely reasonable in your objections to seeing this man. God this doesn't give much hope to children who have been abused does it? I mean their biggest fear is that no one will believe them and will side against them and it seems that this sort of thing is acceptable to those around him.

Please stick to your guns about this you are absolutely right to object.

Your DH is no doubt struggling with some horrible feelings but that is no excuse for refusing to protect his children. Having suffered abused in my childhood I can honestly say that if my DH was insisted my children visit a paedophile I would file for divorce as I would never feel able to trust him again. That said I'm aware my feelings are coloured by my own experiences.

I've read the whole thread and just don't see how you can put your children in proximity of a paedophile.

There is overwhelming evidence that many paedophiles get away with it for years and years because their behaviour is normalised and minimised within families and the children are not believed when they raise concerns 'because x isn't like that'.

Your fil is a devious criminal, not some sad old, misunderstood, contrite chap. Like many others, I fail to understand the behaviour of your DH's wider family. This kind of acceptance gives tacit permission to paedophiles to continue their actions.

Like many other posters I agree your DH needs to fully comprehend the seriousness of his father's actions and then put them in the context of your children being in his company, then decide whether he wants to take that risk.

Another perspective from a child's POV. my mum's cousin was a paedophile - a known family secret. Yet my mum still invited him into our home, she even let him look after me while she went out (and the inevitable happened). Later on, when older she also let him into her home where my younger sister was (we had words).

My mum thought, as he was family, of which she doesn't have much, would be harmless. Fuck no. I know mine is an extreme example but you mentioned the slippery slope - make the break now while it's easier.

You know what to do about your kids, that's the easy one. How you handle your DH is the difficult bit.

Through no fault of his own your DH has ended up being airbrushed from the extended family, when it should have been your FIL being airbrushed out. It's damn well not fair but it is how it is.

Asking your DH to give up his entire family (which is what will happen if all the extended family gatherings include you FIL) is a big big ask.

I think you should support him in going to these events by himself whilst you stay away, and I wouldn't pressurise him about going to them. It's his family, his emotions and he has to work them through. But he has to go alone. The family will all know why he is there alone, and how they deal with it is their business.

I am sorry to ask, but do you know if your DH was abused as a child? He might have issues that he has not yet come to terms with which are clouding his judgment. Just a thought.

Absolutely not. Someone who has acted 'out of character' and been naive and stupid may have downloaded a handful to see what is was all about in a (horribly) curious way, but someone who downloads literally thousands of the worst level possible is definitely getting off on it - no excuses, and they are not to be trusted ever. No, no, no.

However, it is a horribly complex situation and whilst I find your DH's stance difficult to stomach I completely agree with SGB on this. She is the voice of reason here.

Did you not have social services visit you when he was convicted? As being in close proximity your children would have poss been put on at risk register. Trying not to out myself and someone else but someone i know going through same thing. person is in prison. Social services said (even though no abuse to her children) that there was no contact at all untill they turn 18 not a letter,phonecall,visit anything. So im amazed that your dcs would even be alowed near. Ps it was her fil too.

No, that is all.

Don't let sympathy for your dh cloud your judgement

2 seperate issues

I would guess that your dh is thinking that seeing as he wasn't abused by his dad then he isn't axdanger? You are getting so much flack because everyone just wants to forget it.

Wwid? Well I couldn't go and be near him and I couldn't trust myself to be near him with my children. Innocent things to us are mental pictures for a 'man' like him.

I would absolutely not see your FIL again, nor should your children. Quite apart from all of the obvious reasons why this would be a bad idea it will be very difficult for them to meet him only a handful of times and have you hovering over them in a tense fashion as I am sure if you did you would. This will also raise questions in the future as they remember meeting him - worse case they may like him and want to see him or resent you from preventing them seeing him. I think it is unreasonable of your H to ask them to meet and you should make it clear that it isn't going to be happening, nor do you want any photographs of your children given or shown to him.

In terms of your H that is more complex. Family ties - particularly with a MIL who is in denial - are strong and I can imagine he would have conflicting emotions - particularly if he and any siblings were not abused by his father. At the end of the day as unpalatable as you may find it if he choses to visit him occassionally that is his choice (which you may or may not be able to live with) but he cannot expect for you or your children to be involved with this man in any way, shape or form. When you consider what is at stake vs family conflict however bad, you know that your instincts are 100% accurate and I cannot imagine another parent who would make a different call. Good luck in this very horrible situation.

I would not be able to control myself (let alone the fistofdeath) if I ever had to be in the same room as a man who gets his kicks from looking at images of children being raped. He is providing the demand, therefore he is as guilty as those creating and providing the images.

OVER MY DEAD BODY would my DS ever be introduced to such a man, FIL or not.

Don't do it OP.

I don't know a lot but I know this. You let your children near this man and they will never ever forgive you should he hurt them in any way. The chances are they will never understand why you let him near them whether he hurts them or not. They will feel you put your husband and his father before their safety and well being. You are taking a huge risk and the "gain" is so not worth it, even if nothing bad happens.

Your husband is doing this for himself, not the children. He is putting his children after himself and his father. He clearly wants to show his children off like any other proud father but most proud fathers wouldn't do it to a p.

You do realise what your father-in-law will be thinking when he's looking at your children.

Op,

This is incredibly difficult for you. And the hysterical tone of so e of the posts can't help.

Your fil has been a loving father and husband for years. His family, including your dh, have been given a piece of information about him which they simply can't rationalise. To accept that his dad is a pedophile is to destroy every happy image of his childhood. It makes him doubt himself and everyone else.
Your dh has also found this out in a complete vacuum. I will guarantee that had he caught his father this would not be happening.
Instead his fathers offences were discussed in the surreal situation and bland language of the criminal justice system.

There are victims of abuse who cannot unpick their feelings of love and revulsion for an abusive parent so your dh, who has no tangible experience of your fils abusing behaviour, must be truly bewildered.

So your DBS mixed emotions are understandable.

But your job is to protect your children. Your dh may wish a relationship but that is his choice. Your children cannot be exposed to an abuser (which your fill is) in a family situation. There are few more damaging scenarios.

If it were me I would tell your dh to consider that one day he will need to tell his children that, not only was their grandfather a pedophile, but that he insisted they visit. He is comfortable about this because your children don't ubderstand. But they will one day and they will beaver ever understand why you exposed them to this man.

Perhaps if you explain to him that you will tell them. That they will find out. It may make him face the reality - accept that this is not ok.

But you must say no. This family event is normalizing what he did. And, fwiw, I was almost always abused while at least one of my parents was in the house.
Peoples notions around abuse and paedophilia are beyond naive.

I understand the complexity of your husband's feelings. His whole perception of his family - his own childhood; all the relationships between him, his mothers, siblings, aunts & uncles, grandparents; his role model; himself - has been torn apart and left in a dirty, incomprehensible pile. It will take a lot longer than a year or so to figure it all out. He'd very likely benefit from some counselling; in the meantime, it's pretty normal to want to gain some sense that he still has a family - it wasn't all nonsense and lies - and I imagine most of the others feel the same way.

But you shouldn't go, and you should not take your children.

Sorry, hit send there a bit early.

Even if your FIL never touches your kids and has no intention of doing so, his objects of desire are children. He will be looking at your children and thinking of them in a peverted way.

You may keep them 'safe' but how absolutely awful to know that when you are with your FIL he WILL be thinking about those images and your children. He's a paedophile. It's his fantasty. He'll be wanking that night with images of your kids.

Sorry to be so revolting. You can't do this to your children.

I would not let them be anywhere near him unsupervised.

If your FIL had acted on his feelings and physically abused a child I would not let mine near him at all.

I think your compromise of going and not allowing any kind of physical contact is fine. I don't actually think you have anything to worry about.

No way. No no no. DH would have to just get over it.

"He will be looking at your children and thinking of them in a peverted way"

Will he? Do you think of male members of your family in a perverted way? Assuming you are a heterosexual female.

SoupDragon - what a bizarre analogy. Is it worth the risk? This isn't 'a paedo on every corner' type situation, this man has been convicted. Is it worth the risk of introducing him to two vulnerable small children with whom he would be afforded the perfect introduction for grooming should he choose to follow up on it?

Does your DH have siblings/nieces/nephews?
Have they been allowed to continue contact with FIL?

I think several offenses can be forgiven, understood and overcome, but when it involves having fantasies about children (even if they have not been acted on), there is something so unnatural, unforgiving and disgusting about it that I would not want any contact with a person like that, let alone allow my children to have contact.

Some people are just best out of our lives aren't they?