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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I let my children see my paedophile FIL?

426 replies

FiremanSamsFireEngine · 20/11/2011 22:26

I hope you can help me with this awful situation. Over 3 years ago, when I was pregnant with our first child, my husband and I discovered that my FIL had been arrested for downloading thousands of the most serious levels of child pornography, systematically for over a year. He plead guilty and was convicted. My DH was shocked and devastated as you can imagine, and I didn't ever want to see him again, and certainly not let our children (we have now had 2 kids) ever have any contact. At the time my husband said that our children would never have to have any contact with him.

Our children have never met my FIL, and my husband has limited contact with his family. 3 years on and my husband now wants our children to attend gatherings of his extended family where his father will be present. He no longer wants his father airbrushed out of our lives.

I am freaking out. I don't see what good it will do to introduce our children this man. It goes against every single one of my instincts to protect them - physically and emotionally. As they get older (they are 3 and 2) they will start to ask more and more questions. I don't know how I will be able to answer why they don't see their grandfather often, why he doesn't touch them (over my dead body) when they see him. What if they go to embrace him? etc etc... It's just going to get more and more complicated and horrible.

A paedophile is someone with a sexual interest in children, not just someone who assaults children. He has demonstrated a seriously dishonest nature (he managed to keep his obsession a secret, even from his wife, for over a year). I do not want our children to have contact with someone like this. It will just get more and more emotionally complicated for everyone.

Me and my husband have been at loggerheads over this for some time. I have finally agreed that we'll attend a family gathering next week and the kids will be introduced to the FIL, but with strict ground rules. Just an introduction: "this is Daddy's daddy", no physical contact, and that this is not the start of some sort of reconcillation. I feel sick about it, and am very worried I am doing the wrong thing in an attempt to make my husband happy (he has acknowledged he is only doing this for himself, not for the kids).

What would you do? Could you imagine yourself ever agreeing to this?

I won't be able to check this forum until tomorrow night, but hope I can get some sense from other people (due to the shameful nature of this I have been unable to talk to friends about it) and will be able to reply then. Thanks in advance

OP posts:
FoxyRoxy · 21/11/2011 00:03

No, no, no and never.

The poor innocent children in those images are scarred for life, mentally and possibly physically. They are someone's children. Explain that to your H.

I'd honestly rather leave my DH than have him introducing DS to a known convicted pedophile.

Show him this thread if he can't see the issue with putting his children in contact with a man who gets sexual gratification from abusing kids.

madam52 · 21/11/2011 00:07

Yes Foxyroxy - it certainly doesnt come under the 'victimless crime' umbrella like some ridiculous people like th OPs m-i-l seem to believe.

Lifeinlalaland · 21/11/2011 00:14

Honestly I am really a massive live and let live person in general and also generally calm as anything on boards like this. This has so got to me so sorry for the emotional post.

I do understand what other posters are saying about how hard it is for your DH to come to terms with and to have the dissonance between his thoughts about loving his father and what his father has done.

I think your husbands natural desire to deal with the pain is making him try to justify and minismise what has happened. I think it happens a lot when people do not physically do something like this themselves. People cannot bear how horrific it is so they try to minimise it with 'oh well he wont touch them' or 'oh well it's not like he actually raped the child'. But thats just a cop out. At the end of the day there are so many children who are being abused..tell your husband to think about those children. Who have no defence, who have had pretty much the worst thing anyone can go through happen to them..and then..the even more awful bit in so many ways...random people (like your husbands dad) who have had a jolly night in wanking over this worst, most personal and damaging thing. It sounds awful. Because it is. You need to put it to him like that. Then maybe he can stop trying to minimise and legitimise and brush away what his dad has done because he wants to play happy families. He needs to understand he can't. He never can again.

Honestly, tell me you can read what I just wrote and say you could even have your FIL eyes on your precious children?

You can't. Simple as. and your husband can't either once he fully allows himself to understand the full horror of what your FIL did.

carantala · 21/11/2011 00:14

Well done,*MollieO" for your post on Sunday at 22.40.09 and for your excellent memory!

OP Are you mad? Keep your children away from your evil FIL!!! Am a bit suspicious of your husband, too! Get away!

garageflower · 21/11/2011 00:23

OP, sorry to go on.

Whilst I feel sympathy for your DH, I know exactly how he feels, he should not be considering this meet. Seriously.

Even if you could guarantee that your children are not at risk (which you can't), you would be setting a precedent that will get harder to go back on. This long of stuff is shit and awful and heartbreaking but all you can do is what you think is right.

I hope you prevent this from happening. My father days he's reformed, he was a victim, long ago of abuse. Breaks my heart when I think about it but so do the the the thoughts of the children that subsequently suffered at his hands.

It's shit but It's a cycle and the further away your children are, the better.

garageflower · 21/11/2011 00:29

Apologies for android typos, I'm tired.

chippy47 · 21/11/2011 00:31

Not sure if your DH has established a relationship with his father since the conviction. I can sort of understand him needing to speak to him as he probably has a lot to say and may need to do this to move on and maybe have no further contact. But not sure how this can be done at a family gathering so have no idea what his motives are for taking your children to such an event.
For me, as a DH and dad to 3 DC, 100% no. The FIL forfeited all rights to a relationship with his gc's due to his behaviour.
And to be fair the rest of the family seem a bit messed up and have no comprehension of what his actions actually mean.

carantala · 21/11/2011 00:32

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

droves · 21/11/2011 00:45

I hope the ops dh reads this thread.

Although I understand the turmoil he must be in about his father , who as far as we know , behaved appropriately with his own kids ,is in fact a pedophile.

I don't think the dh is fully understanding what his father had done.

I do think the op understands the implications of having a peodophile for a fil , and quite rightly she wants the kids to be kept away from him.

No one has said ..oh it's fine , let fil see kids ...because it's not .

He is a person who thinks about children in a sexual way , who seeks out images of abuse . He should have been locked up for a very long time.

I'm actually Shock that the family are trying to down play this and have continued contact with the fil .
Inviting a peodo to parties and family gatherings ? No .
You don't do that.

Bossybritches22 · 21/11/2011 00:47

Like others I can't quite believe this is being asked of you.

Your instincts are 100% right, DON'T GO!!

Your FIL is grooming his family in a sense, to make this all acceptable. That's what paedophiles do , they are charming & persuasive & this bastard will be using every emotional trick in the book to wangle his way back into respectable family life.

Be Strong!

realhousewife · 21/11/2011 00:52

As lala said - agreeing to this meeting is minimising the issues behind it. The issues being child abuse. You have to make a stand on behalf of those children that were in those pictures.

borninastorm · 21/11/2011 00:54

Taking your dcs to this family gathering is like condoning the actions of your fil. Do not do it regardless of how much pressure your dh puts you under.
Do you want your children to think like the rest of your dh's family, that paedophilia is ok so long as he doesn't touch kids, etc, etc?

perfumedlife · 21/11/2011 01:39

For goodness sake, what on earth is the point of taking your children to this? They are too young to remember, so then your dh will up the ante and ask for the next meet, where they will start to remember the pervert, a year or so down the line. Why put them in this situation? In years to come, when they know the truth, and they will , you and your dh will be rightly vilified for allowing this.

You got your answer in the old post, there is no 'rehabilitation' for this and your dh is being supremely selfish. I thought he said you and the children were his no1 priority and yet here he is pressuring you?

stottie · 21/11/2011 01:43

Why would you even ask that question, have you reported him to the police no child would be safe around this man please do the right thing and turn him in.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 21/11/2011 01:43

Absolutely no fucking way. Not even up for discussion, not even a photograph. No contact whatsoever. Not even in the same county.

I don't know why you were told paedophiles weren't sent to prison though. A very very ex best friend of mine was, thankfully. His feet didn't touch the ground. The thought of dd being anywhere near him makes my skin crawl, to be in the situation with someone related is unthinkable.

Your responsibility is to protect your children (which you obviously know). Any consideration for your DH or, God forbid, this man are insignificant.

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 21/11/2011 02:02

Over my dead body and DH's before that.

I would be seriously considering my relationship as well as I don't think I could stay with a man who would even suggest we do this to our children.

perfumedlife · 21/11/2011 02:17

That's a fair point ChippingIn, I can't imagine trusting the judgement of your dh again, and as Lala said, this is only serving to normalise the actions of this man and this set up. Your dh is putting his wants above the dc's needs and that is simply not on..

Trust your instincts. They are screaming at you not to do this.

Morloth · 21/11/2011 02:25

No fucking chance.

And if my DH couldn't live with that then he wouldn't be my DH anymore, and I would be making a very large noise indeed via my lawyers and the court and whoever I could get to listen that he would only be having supervised contact to ensure that they never went near the fucker.

As ChippingIn says, over my dead body and DH's if necessary.

newbiedoobiedoo · 21/11/2011 02:41

Your 'd'h is a prick and I'd be hardpressed to look him in the eye let alone stay with him!

As for you actually agreeing to it....

NatashaBee · 21/11/2011 02:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

savoycabbage · 21/11/2011 02:57

Can you imagine putting on your dc's shoes, strapping them into the carseats you will have bought them to keep them safe, checking your bag for a sippy cup and some tissues just in case, holding their hands as they cross the road, as you lead them into this reunion?

They trust you to look after them. To do the right thing for them.

carantala · 21/11/2011 03:00

Refer to MollieO's posts of yesterday evening at 22.40.09 and 22.47.02. OP must have been nuts to stay connected to this family, let alone have another child!

bejeezus · 21/11/2011 06:45

There is no greater harm that your dhs could put your children in the way of; leaving them home alone? Driving without car seats? Nothing. You have to be seriously considering whether your dh can be trusted to take care of your dcs.

I don't care how conflicted his feelings are over his father. He needs to get some help.

These people should be dead to you. Family gathering? What an occasion that will be

Proudnscary · 21/11/2011 07:09

I think everyone should go easier on OP's dh. While his judgement is seriously way, way off, he is likely eaten up alive with conflicting emotions. However he has acted externally, a revelation such as this about your own father would be devastating. It would rock the very emotional notion of your childhood, of your whole life. He has probably felt confused/depressed - like he's gone through a bereavement - but with no closure. I am projecting of course, because I am pretty sure that's how I would feel.

Saying that, of course I would not let my dc go to this or any other gathering where this man is - as everyone else says 'over my dead body'. Not only would you be insane to put them in this dangerous man's path, it will be confusing for the children over the years to 'sort of' meet their 'sort of' grandpa. They may also resent you for exposing them to him when they are old enough to understand.

gorionine · 21/11/2011 07:10

Absolutely not! whilst I do understand your DH need to still be in contact with his dad, he has got to see him on his own, NEVER with your DCS! What is he thinking!??!?

The post about your DCs possibly been put on the "at risk register" should definitely make your DH think long and hard about the situation.

Xmasbaby11, would you really willingly show pictures of your Dcs to a convicted paedophile?Confused