Should I ignore my mum's comments to my DS when they make my blood run cold? (long, sorry)

[NoNoNoMYDoIt]

Background - I have 2 DCs (DS 5 and DD 2). I am separated from their father but the children have shared residence with both their father and me.

My parents live 150 miles away so when they come to visit, they always stay.

My relationship with my parents is strained at best. My mother is very controlling and disapproves of me in just about every way imaginable.

This is about the way she is with the kids, tho. She can't cope with their behaviour at all (and their behaviour is far from awful). She rises to every single situation and gets very stressed by them. My father is also very short with them and calls DD 'child', rather than her proper name.

When they come to stay, I find it very stressful, not least because I hear my mum talking to the children, mainly DS at the moment but I can see it starting with DD also, in the same tone that she used with me. When I was growing up, I was always a 'horrid child', 'stupid', 'retarded, 'the worst thing that happened' to her. She 'rued the day I was born', wished she had never had me etc etc. And of course this has left me with woeful self esteem and an inability to form a real bond with another adult.

I am desperate to protect my children from this and go over the top (probably) to make sure they never have anything negative said about them. I still discipline their behaviour, with time-out / warnings and withdrawal of privileges etc. But it is their behaviour which is horrid or naughty, not them, and I am very clear about that.

So when my mum comes and starts saying to my son 'you are a nasty horrid little boy', I want to scream at her. But I don't.

I can't tackle her about this as she has only just started talking to me again after I went to court in the summer over residence of the kids - it didn't go the way she thought was best and she withdrew all contact with me for 4 months after the court ruling. If I try to say anything to her, she will just stop talking to me again, which is fine but then the kids miss out on seeing them altogether. The kids still ask to see their GPs so I know the relationship is important to my kids.

So am I right to just ignore what she says? I end up so stressed when she is here, because every time the kids get over-excited and start to play up, I worry she is going to start saying hateful things to them. As a result, I can't leave them on their own with her and my dad. I have tried to go for a run (for 40 minutes) while they are staying, but when I get home, usually one, and sometimes both, of the children is upstairs in its bedroom screaming because it is in trouble for something and has been sent to bed. My mother has a tendency to scream like a banshee and I cannot bear the thought that she might do this to my kids.

Oh, honestly, from what you say, you'd be doing your dc a favour if you never spoke to your parents again.

Words hurt. They smash your confidence, they erode your self-esteem.

No, you should not ignore her destructive comments to your dc. You should protect them from her. She has nothing they need.

Would strongly urge you to look at the stateley homes/toxic parents threads.

Your job here is to protect your children from the spite of their GPs. You need to tell them that you will not tolerate them speaking to your children in this manner, and if they are not able to do that then they need to stay away.

I have the same with my dad. He doesn't get to spend time on his own with my children, I strongly bollock him if he speaks to them in any way I am not happy with. I do not tolerate it. I am an adult, so is he. Your children come before their hurt pride.

You sound like you still need their approval, NoNoNo , what are you worried will happen?

You say that your children's relationship with their GPs is important, which I wouldn't argue with, but you haven't mentioned anything positive that your children are getting from the relationship. Is that because there isn't anything positive, or were you focusing on the negatives for the OP?

Personally, I would tackle anyone who spoke to my DCs like that and who's approach to discipline was so at odds to my own. If your mum will not discuss it with you, and withdraws contact, is that really the worst possible outcome? Or would it be worse to allow her to continue perpetuating the cycle of low self-esteem which affected your childhood?

God she sounds awful, OP.

I wouldn't even think of going out on my own whilst they're there. It's not fair to your children to have your mum screaming like a banshee and saying they are awful people.

Are you sure your children are getting something out of this relationship?

Could you and your parents meet up somewhere that's halfway between you both and spend a day together, rather than you having to have them to stay?

Your mum sounds like real tough nut if she can ignore you for four months at a time, so I wouldn't worry about hurting her feelings. She's happy to hurt yours.

Oh and I think if someone ignores you for a period of time, once they've made contact you should ignore them for the same length of time. Don't let her get away with ignoring you.

In your position I'm sorry to say I think I'd have as little to do with her as possible. You can't risk her affecting your children as she's affected you.

I can't tackle her about this as she has only just started talking to me again after I went to court in the summer over residence of the kids - it didn't go the way she thought was best and she withdrew all contact with me for 4 months after the court ruling This is not a normal reaction of a loving parent/grandparent, it is not a healthy relationship

You need to sort this out. It will ruin their self esteem as it did your. I have been though it too. My mother lives quite near to us but i really restrict the childrens visits as she is incredibly hurtful: (Me: DS came top in English at school today Her: It can't be a very good school then. etc.) So, I understand your pain. If you don't feel able to stand up to her about this, then you just have to stop them seeing the children. if they begin to question it, maybe then you can tell them - in a letter maybe. I am incredibly angry on your behalf. Good luck!

You are in a terribly difficult position because of your relationship with your mother.

But no. You must not stay silent. Your job is to protect your children regardless of the consequence.
If she is not a positive force in your dcs life then she should not be there.

Sorry. I do know it is hard. I would go to the stately homes threads.

Don't give her the chance to do to your dc what she did to you.

thanks for your very prompt comments.

MoaningMinnie - I have come a long way this year in being able to distance myself from my parents emotionally. I have realised that their disapproval of me and disappointment in me says everything about them and very little about me. If it weren't for the kids, I would probably be very tempted to have only very minimal contact with them. With no / little contact, I don't need their approval for anything. But as soon as there is any contact, I seem to revert to the vulnerable child.

My mum still treats me as a child. She comes to my house and in spite of me asking her not to she reorganises all my kitchen cupboards, re-hangs washing that I have hung up etc. A lot of people would probably think nothing of it. But because, in her eyes, I can't do anything right, I know that she is doing these things because the way I do them isn't right - and therefore I am once again the disappointing and useless child as far as she is concerned.

I have asked her many times not to touch the things in my house, but she does it. I caught her re-organising my tupperware cupboard (pots and lids strewn all over the floor) last time she was here and asked her to leave it and she said 'I'm not tidying it, I'm just putting it away'. She doesn't get it...

I agree with all the posts. This relationship is not normal and not healthy.
If you know the impact on their behaviour towards you, then surely it will impact on your children if they are allowed to continue to treat your children the same.

We have no contact with dh parents at all and to be honest my children aren't affected. They have loads of family friends, aunts and uncles and one set of grandparents who live them dearly.
Please consider cutting them out of your life, they clearly are toxic people who aren't of benefit to you or your kids.

I wonder if it might be just as useful to , rather than stop seeing them, take the opportunity to talk really honestly to your children about granny after she goes, that she's an unhappy person who is still learning how to be kind and to ask for what she wants, and that her unhappiness has nothing to do with them, even when she says it dies. To ask them why they think she might be like that, to make clear that if they don't want to see her any more, or want to tell you how they feel, that that's always ok, but that her anger and unhappiness is gets alone and can't hurt them.
I'm just thinking that they'll always come
into contact with people with issues, it might be a great way to learn about their own boundaries and feelings about it.

wow, even more posts...

Seems I am not wrong in feeling so distressed by this.

What do the kids get out of the relationship with their GPs? Well - they are always happy to see them, although DS did ask me this time why my dad didn't play with him at all. My dad sat on the sofa reading his newspaper all afternoon and ignored DS who was dancing around and basically trying to get his attention. He just said 'oh do be quiet' to him. DS was acting up because he wanted some attention from my dad.

I also had a very difficult relationship with my mum's mum. She was very abusive towards my mother and used me against my mum, fed me stories about her, reported her to social services for abusing me etc. There is no way that my mum would do that to my kids, but the way she behaves towards the kids is probably as abusive in a different way. I just thought perhaps that never leaving the room when they were around would limit the opportunity for the hateful things to be said.

But I just find it so stressful - what with the explicit disapproval of me, my house, my life, my achievements etc, plus trying to keep the children impeccably behaved so that there is no fall-out...

Fortunately they are going away on holiday at Christmas, so they aren't coming to stay at all. That in itself is possibly quite telling. I am their only daughter; these are their only grandchildren. And yet they go away as a couple to a hotel in (only 40 mins drive from my house) for Christmas and don't come and see us at all...

I wouldn't see them any more - your kids don't need people who put them down and shut them in their rooms for any minor transgression in their lives, no matter how they are related to them.

As their mother, it's up to you to protect them from negative influences in their lives and children that young are not able to make any kind of decision of whether its in their best interests to see people.

Perhaps scale back on contact then, so you only meet on neutral territory and for shorter periods (does she behave better in public).
It sounds like she's not doing anything to enhance your life either.

I think you are paying too high a price for facilitating their relationships with their grandchildren. Do they have to stay with you when they come? Is there anywhere else? Could you think of a way to maintain contact without so much time in her presence? I feel for you. You are trying to move on and sound to be doing an amazing job in not reliving your childhood with your children.

The children may love them, but that desn't mean they are good for them. I bet you loved your mum and desperately wanted her approval, a glimpse of affection as a child.

Your mum hasn't changed. But you are no longer that damaged child, and you can stop her causing the same damage to your kids.

Does, not dies!

Doesn't not desn't.

a relationship with grandparents is important, but not as important as your children's self esteem. i grew up with a toxic grandparent in my life and tbh it would have been better for everyone if we had had no contact with him.

for your sake and for the sake of your kids, i would say you must either stand up to them or stop contact. you all deserve better. please tell yourself that every day. YOU DESERVE BETTER.

good luck :)

I couldn't ignore comments like that aimed at my child (any child). I would correct her every time. If that means she chooses not to see them anymore then it's win-win.

norriscoleforpm - sorry to hear of your mum's attitude to your DS's achievements. Similar to something my mum said to me when I got my results at the end of my first year at Uni (I was at Cambridge) I had a first with distinction in one of my tripos subjects and the Uni prize; and a first in the other one. Rather than being thrilled that I had achieved that, she said 'Well who got the University prize for the other subject' and 'why didn't you get a distinction' in the other subject?

I'm almost too stunned to write something, but I feel for you so I'm going to try and say something constructive.

You're obviously unhappy with the way things are - so you have 2 options: 1)don't see them
2) when you see them be very clear on what your boundaries are for you and your children.

You've had some good advice upthread. If I'm honest 2) is unlikely to be effective as your family sound very toxic and that cannot be undone with a few comments. The roles we fall into with our family are very hard to change. The most important thing is that your children know they shouldn't have to put up with those kind of comments.

tbh whats so good about having her around?

If my mother called my son 'a nasty horrid boy' she'd be picking her teeth up off the floor.

as a g-ma she needs to set an example too.

Thanks. I think you are right Christine - the children are too young to make any allowances or decide what they want, and I do just want to protect them. I suppose I have been trying to do that by not leaving them alone with my parents. But it is such an awful experience for me, that I think even that is not enough.

I do feel sad for the kids that they can't have a carefree, happy relationship with their grandparents. It's hard as I'm separated from their father and therefore the kids have to share my time and my affection. Sometimes I think it would be lovely if my parents could come and take one of the kids out while I do something with the other one on a 1:1 and then we could swap. But that doesn't work as they can't even seem to cope with just one of them.

Perhaps I have to lose the idyll in my head of a loving supportive relationship for my kids with their GPs and accept that it will just be the odd day or here as a day trip - meeting up somewhere in between where we live.