Should I ignore my mum's comments to my DS when they make my blood run cold? (long, sorry)

[NoNoNoMYDoIt]

Background - I have 2 DCs (DS 5 and DD 2). I am separated from their father but the children have shared residence with both their father and me.

My parents live 150 miles away so when they come to visit, they always stay.

My relationship with my parents is strained at best. My mother is very controlling and disapproves of me in just about every way imaginable.

This is about the way she is with the kids, tho. She can't cope with their behaviour at all (and their behaviour is far from awful). She rises to every single situation and gets very stressed by them. My father is also very short with them and calls DD 'child', rather than her proper name.

When they come to stay, I find it very stressful, not least because I hear my mum talking to the children, mainly DS at the moment but I can see it starting with DD also, in the same tone that she used with me. When I was growing up, I was always a 'horrid child', 'stupid', 'retarded, 'the worst thing that happened' to her. She 'rued the day I was born', wished she had never had me etc etc. And of course this has left me with woeful self esteem and an inability to form a real bond with another adult.

I am desperate to protect my children from this and go over the top (probably) to make sure they never have anything negative said about them. I still discipline their behaviour, with time-out / warnings and withdrawal of privileges etc. But it is their behaviour which is horrid or naughty, not them, and I am very clear about that.

So when my mum comes and starts saying to my son 'you are a nasty horrid little boy', I want to scream at her. But I don't.

I can't tackle her about this as she has only just started talking to me again after I went to court in the summer over residence of the kids - it didn't go the way she thought was best and she withdrew all contact with me for 4 months after the court ruling. If I try to say anything to her, she will just stop talking to me again, which is fine but then the kids miss out on seeing them altogether. The kids still ask to see their GPs so I know the relationship is important to my kids.

So am I right to just ignore what she says? I end up so stressed when she is here, because every time the kids get over-excited and start to play up, I worry she is going to start saying hateful things to them. As a result, I can't leave them on their own with her and my dad. I have tried to go for a run (for 40 minutes) while they are staying, but when I get home, usually one, and sometimes both, of the children is upstairs in its bedroom screaming because it is in trouble for something and has been sent to bed. My mother has a tendency to scream like a banshee and I cannot bear the thought that she might do this to my kids.

Fucking hell.
I never swear but I'm horrified. Horrified by your parents behavior and horrified you are making excuses for them. Have you not spoken to your parents already? Surely you would be on the phone immediately?
Your poor dd.

The police may have said they won't take it any further this time but if you allow your parents to see your children, there might be a next time. When the police might not be so understanding.

but then the kids miss out on seeing them altogether

But what EXACTLY are they getting from the relationship anyway!?

So what would merit a visit from the police?
Are your parents above the law?
I hate to say this, but it almost sounds as if you're making excuses for them over this incident, OP.
"A difficult conversation"?
A "normal" person, ie one who who hadn't been terrorised by her own parents, would be incandescent with rage, not worrying about what they might think if you dare express a little displeasure.
Complete strangers can see that your parents are abusive monsters, to the point where they don't hesitate to call the police!
If you needed anything to give you the clear sight and the courage to put a stop to this abuse of your poor innocent children, surely this is it?

You don't have to have a difficult conversation with them. You just need to send them a message to say 'I am cutting all contact with you, you know why. Please don't contact me as I don't want to have to get a restraining order placed on you'.

There are many reasons why you should not be in contact with them, many more why your DC shouldn't have to have them in their lives but now you have one thing you can focus on, hopefully it will give you the strength to see this through.

You really need more counselling, I hope you can find someone who can help you though this.

I am really sorry your parents are so awful, it's not nice & it's not fair :( x

I know that she is doing these things because the way I do them isn't right

You know that isn't true, don't you? She is doing it to CONTROL you.

So if I rock the boat and challenge them, they will walk out again

They have made you feel so crap, destroyed any self worth you ever had, knocked your confidence SO much that you think they are more important than they actually are! They stopped talking to you for 4 months, did they ever apologise?

You are so scared of them walking out on you. Why? Is it because you feel that somehow, they are all you deserve? Like a battered & bruised woman, you hang on to them like they are all you have in your life, like they are all you are worth!

This is SO not true. You are worth SO MUCH MORE than them!

Good grief, this must be one of the most disturbing threads I have read on here.

Please OP, you must get your parents out of your children's lives, and yours.

Oh gosh I could just cry for your DD. How can you not be absolutely livid with them? How did you feel really when the police were explaining that complaint??? Your children are FAR more precious than your evil parents feelings.

Your parents are c. Sorry but true. You are doing a great job. Dont let them stress you out. Let them have some contact if it makes you happy but you are a great mum. Your house, your rules. xx

Well, now you have an opinion about your parents' behaviour from an objective, independent witness.

We have all seen bad parenting moments out in public and thought Jesus, leave the poor kid alone. But I've never witnessed one so bad I felt I had to call the police. Actually I have just remembered one - I was in a multistorey carpark and a woman was having what looked to me like a breakdown. She was screaming at her crying toddler about throwing her off the carpark. The husband intervened just as I was dialling, but that's the standard of behaviour that prompts members of the public to think holy fucking shit, better get the plate on that car.

You need to thank your lucky stars for the person who reported them. That shows you what their behaviour looks like to people with normal parenting mores.

It must be awful for you.

I was also thinking, have you got your will sorted out?

You need to have guardian arrangements in place so that in the event that you die, there is no chance that your parents will be able to seek custody of your children.

I am horrified to read your last post. I also strongly suggest you cut contact with your awful parents. You owe it to your children and yourself. From your posts, you sound like a much better parent (and person) when your own parents are not around.

My mother sounded a lot like yours and I have suffered from depression, low self esteem and all that, as a result. She died before my DC could meet her and I did not have to make the difficult decisions that many of the courageous posters on these boards have done.

Think of your children, and also of the relationship you have with them which you need to protect. Do not allow your (understandable) depression/low self esteem issues to be an excuse to do nothing.

As a result, I can't leave them on their own with her and my dad. I have tried to go for a run (for 40 minutes) while they are staying, but when I get home, usually one, and sometimes both, of the children is upstairs in its bedroom screaming because it is in trouble for something and has been sent to bed

Despite this, you left your dc in the care of your parents who you know to be abusive so that you could spend an hour running home even though you knew that your 2 year old dd was overtired and would most probably have a tantrum.

Presumably, the physical abuse that your parents inflicted on your little dd in public on Friday evening, and which so alarmed a witness that they noted your car number and reported the incident to the police, took place near their home which is 150 miles away from your own.

Again presumably, you travelled home yesterday and were visited last night by your local police who were acting on a referral from the police authority to whom the incident was reported.

If this is the case, it is not up your local police authority to decide whether any further action should be taken and it is to be hoped that when the relevant police authority receives the report of your account of the incident, they will take it on themselves to interview the offenders.

If you haven't received any assurance that this will happen, I would suggest that you contact the relevant police authority and give them the names and address of your parents if you didn't provide this information to the police officer(s) who interviewed you last night.

However, in the event that the police take your parents to task, do not make the mistake of thinking that this will in any way serve to modify their behaviour because your parents are HABITUAL CHILD ABUSERS and, even if they were to be convicted of cruelty to your dd in a Court of Law, they will go to great lengths to continue to abuse your children - and any others who have the misfortune to be left in their care - in private.

You have referred to the technique of 'tapping'. If you go to youtube you can choose from a selection of Brad Yates EFT (emotional freedom technique) videos which will enable you to continue this therapy without charge but, although I am aware that many people have found EFT a valuable tool for personal empowerment, it alone may not be effective enough for you take the decisive action that any rightminded parent would make which is to SEVER ALL CONTACT WITH YOUR PARENTS FORTHWITH.

From what you've said, it seems to me that you are already more than halfway to trivialising what must have been an absolutely terrifying ordeal for your little dd and, frankly, that is almost more worrying than your parents' cruelty to her.

Please read and re-read edam's posts on page 4 until you are able to understand that your thinking needs radical adjustment and that, compared to those of your children, your parents' needs are of absolutely no consequence whatsoever.

Stop trying to justify any of this both the crying and the vomiting could have been to do with her being tired. they probably were both to do with her being tired. In a 3 minute car trip from the bus to the house your parents behaviour was so completely vile, abusive and unreasonable that someone deemed it their duty to phone the police and report them.

You need your light bulb moment now.

The system now has your details written down in connection with abusive behaviour towards your children. Allow them any further contact with your parents and you could end up with more visits and your children on a list for being at risk or worse removed from you if you continue to expose them to this behaviour.

You are the one allowing them to be emotionally and now from the sounds of it physically abused every time you have contact with your parents.

Sorry if that sounds harsh. You have to stop this NOW.

You may well get a visit from either a social worker or your health visitor, and they could well make it clear to you that contact with your parents has to stop!

Your parents hate you and they hate your children. You must cut contact.
I hop they get something written on their record so they fail crb checks and can no longer volunteer with children.

I am horrified more by your reaction to the police visit than anything else.

If a member of the public treated your children like this you'd see it as abuse. You'd be outraged. You'd want to wrap your DC up safe and never risk abuse again. You'd feel anger towards the abuser.

It sounds as if you are so conditioned to it that you can excuse it as OTT by the police.

I have never ever had a police visit. I would die of shame if that happened.

If it was because of another person's behaviour towards my DC, that person would be handed over to the police with a 'please charge them with what you like' and I would also ring said person and give them a clear angry message thast they never come near me or mine ever again.

OP me and my DH made a pact many years ago that we would NEVER leave our children in the care of my abusive parents. Effectively it means if we go out, we have to pay a babysitter. We will never have a weekend away on our own until the children are grown. It is a small price to pay to know that my children will always be safe - emotionally as well as physically. You need to make that same decision. Hope your baby girl is ok OP

You are desperately trying to pretend everything is normal and if you go through the same actions as normal mum/DC/GP it will be normal.

This this incident is more than a lightbulb moment. It should be a thunder and lightening moment when you accept your relationship with your parents is over. You cannot maintain it at this cost to your DC

Agree with everyone else but go easy on OP - she has spent her whole life being oppressed and abused by these ghastly people so doesn't know up from down.

No, no - clearly, absolutely, you must CUT CONTACT. You hold the power. They are just some people you had the misfortune of being born to - they don't love you or like you, they don't love or like your children. They are damaging them like they damaged you. Email or text or send them letter. They KNOW why you will be cutting contact deep down. Do not engage with all their mud sling and sly tactics that will undoubtedly follow. Shut them down.

Sorry I have confused details with another thread, someone else's GPs volunteers with children.

How come, if the police came round on Friday/Saturday/whenever, you haven't yet spoken to your parents about all this? Are you scared to?
You need to get angry. Very angry.
No grandparent/child relationship is worth this abuse. Get shot.

A total stranger called the police about your parents behaviour towards your children because what they saw shocked/upset them so much.

Your children are getting nothing but abuse from this relationship by the sounds of it & it needs to stop.

If you feel a need to see your parents then that´s something that you need to address-but don´t subject your children to them anymore.

They have smacked & verbally abused your children!

Personally, I see no reason to speak to your parents at all. There is nothing to say to them, at all, ever again.

I agree that for a member of the public to feel the need to inform the police, your parents must have been being completely vile to DD. How dare they smack your DD? How dare they verbally abuse her? How awful for your DS to have to witness this treatment of his sister and feel powerless to stop it. And how sad that your DC are already too scared to say something to you themselves about what had happened.

Just another thought in case you need further persuasion...how would your ex-H react if he finds out what happened? If I thought my ex-H was leaving my DC with someone abusive, family or not, I would be questioning whether my children were safe with him at all.