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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

His drinking is destroying me

111 replies

NearlyMrsCustardsHardHat · 02/11/2011 20:16

'D'P has always been a big drinker but was able to stop as and when he needed to, recently, in the past few months, he has been drinking on average 6 or 7 cans of cider a night from when he gets in from work to coming to bed at 11pm yet he is never drunk even drinking that much in such a short space of time.

Today was a different matter though as it was his day off he was due to pick the DC's up from school. He didn't show. I couldn't get hold of him and was ringing my whole drive to pick the kids up (I had to leave work to do this, it took me a hour to get back) he had passed out in the front room drunk, he had put dinner on (a roast) and very very nearly burnt the kitchen down, we were lucky I got home when I did.

He's sleeping it off now, upstairs, has been since about 5ish when I slung him up the stairs, so i've not had a chance to have it out with him but I really can't carry on like this. I'm in pieces here. I moved the kids to be with him and now I just want to walk out.

Help.

OP posts:
EleanorRathbone · 02/11/2011 20:19

There's no point having it out with him.

He's an alcoholic. He needs to stop drinking.

I think you should call al-anon and get some RL support and information.

www.al-anon.alateen.org/

Original poster
NearlyMrsCustardsHardHat · 02/11/2011 20:26

Thank you. I'm in bits here and finding anything and everything to distract me from it.

OP posts:
mrsm123 · 02/11/2011 20:28

completely agree with eleanor - your partner definitely has a drink problem and there's not much you can do about it other than go through him when he's sober and give him an ultimatum to stop drinking or he'll lose you and the kids, but even ultimatums don't really work in the long run.

you need to check out the Alcoholics anonymous website and al-anon and read the chapter on wives of alcoholics in the "little black book" i think its called?? im sure ive got that wrong but it should be on the website. its a great chapter.

keep reaching out for help and put you and your kids first, not him, it's a disease and he's not well.

im sorry for you but keep checking out this thread, im sure there will be lots of support for you. its a common problem, youre not alone. x

MangoMonster · 02/11/2011 20:32

I'd walk out and show that you will not tolerate it and he needs to get help.

MangoMonster · 02/11/2011 20:32

Agree, call al anon, they are really good.

Original poster
NearlyMrsCustardsHardHat · 02/11/2011 20:36

I can't walk out, it simply isn't an option. He's not violent, he just passes out when he's drunk. I just can't tolerate the volumes he drinks and the odd occasion when something this big happens it's unbearable.

I'm having a look at the sites for al-anon and AA, i'll be pushing them his direction.

OP posts:
whowherewhen · 02/11/2011 20:37

NearlyMrsCustardsHardHat - I would just like to give you a warm hug as your life must seem very hard at the moment. Get some support as suggested above and find a way to give him an ultimatum if you can. You just musn't put up with this.

Original poster
NearlyMrsCustardsHardHat · 02/11/2011 20:42

Thank you

OP posts:
Skillbo · 02/11/2011 21:13

NearlyMrsCustardsHardHat (great name btw!)

You might want to have a read of another thread which has been going strong for a long time and offers some good advice.

Support Thread for Partners of Addicts

bejeezus · 02/11/2011 21:25

YOU need to contact Al-Anon- don't push the websites in HIS direction

real life meetings are great but they also have on-line chat forums, which are also great especially in a crisis.

I have been there exactly and had the kitchen on fire twice

You cant help him, but you can help yourself and most importantly YOUR CHILDREN

IMO you NEED to get them away from him; you have to leave him

Original poster
NearlyMrsCustardsHardHat · 02/11/2011 21:33

You make it sound so easy. I'm not so cruel as to leave a person who needs help. I will push the websites his way because HE needs help with HIS problem. OUR problem.

I will contact them to get support for me in how to best support him. I will try to shield the kids best I can - get up for the school run after he has gone to work (he leaves at 7:30) utilise my flexi working policy to do the other end of the day, they see their dad alternate weekends and he works most weekends so we can work it so for the short term he sees very little of them. IF he is prepared to get help.

Leaving him will not be my first go to post, it's there, in the back of my mind, but not yet, not until I've got to the bottom of this latest episode and got some support for me.

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 02/11/2011 21:36

He needs to want to stop, and he cannot just stop without medical intervention, he drinks too much to go cold turkey, it fucks up the body and is dangerous.

Is he overweight? Does he realise that drinking to excess could cause heart problems? Liver damage and diabetes.

MangoMonster · 02/11/2011 21:39

Custard, I know where you are coming from and completely understand you want to help him. He needs to help him, that's the only way. I have first hand experience of this, the person in question has been sober for nearly a year after 30 years of us trying. It was her decision in the end as it always is, you can't help. Please feel free to pm me for more info.

Original poster
NearlyMrsCustardsHardHat · 02/11/2011 21:39

He has a gut on him, yes, but he's always had it, even when he was playing rugby full time. But he has put on weight during our relationship and he snores very heavily and when he's been on a bender he has episodes of apnoea. Yes he has aknowledged these and yes he has said he needs to go to the doctors about it, in fact, he said a few years ago he wanted to get his nose fixed (rugby players nose) to stop it.

Fixing his nose will solve some of the problem but the drinking and the weight will stop the majority of it. He knows all this.

OP posts:
Original poster
NearlyMrsCustardsHardHat · 02/11/2011 21:41

Thank you Mango. I know he has to want to stop in order to stop but I need to open his eyes to what he can lose and is losing as a result, i don't think I've ever said it clear enough to him to make him want to start to get well.

OP posts:
EleanorRathbone · 02/11/2011 21:41

You can't help him.

Only he can help him.

You are in a co-dependent relationship with an alcoholic. It is not cruel to leave him, it is cruel to your children and to you, to live with an alcoholic.

You cannot shield your children from this.

Accept that.

Does he accept that he is an alcoholic? Do you accept that?

Original poster
NearlyMrsCustardsHardHat · 02/11/2011 21:45

Doh not years ago about the nose thing months ago. Too upset at the moment clearly!!

eleanor yes I accept he is an alcoholic. Yes i know what that means. No I will not walk out on him when doing so will no doubt destroy him. Yes the kids come first.

No he does not accept he's an alcoholic.

he actually said the other day when we were out with some friends and the beer in the pub was off "thats how i know i'm not an alcoholic because I won't drink Stella!" like it's some kind of achievement.

OP posts:
MangoMonster · 02/11/2011 21:48

We said it clearly plenty of times, it never worked. It took a health scare to make her realise. Talking does not solve alcoholism...please take my advice. Help or a really ugly realisation can. I'd take help over an ugly realisation any day.

MangoMonster · 02/11/2011 21:50

When I say help I mean professional help.

Original poster
NearlyMrsCustardsHardHat · 02/11/2011 21:50

Well hopefully shoving him in the direction of his GP/AA/Al-anon will help. Little I can do tonight either way other than try and sleep, which I really can't see happening right now.

OP posts:
2rebecca · 02/11/2011 21:50

Agree, his drinking isn't destroying you, it's destroying him. It can only ruin your life if you choose to continue to live with an alcoholic. An alcoholic man would never get to wreck my life and that of my children.
It's important to give people with alcohol problems ultimatums early when it's easier for them to stop.
"No more alcohol this month or we are finished" would be a good eye opener. If he won't stop instantly for you he never will.
At the end of the month when his head is clearer you can discuss the future.
His problem isn't your problem, it's his. You only make it become your problem and that of your kids if you choose to live with an alcoholic.
You sound as though you see yourself as his saviour. That never works with alcoholics. They have to believe they will lose things if they keep drinking to give them the impetus to stop.

Original poster
NearlyMrsCustardsHardHat · 02/11/2011 21:55

Thats the last thing I see myself as, but I appreciate what you are saying. He knows I mean what I say when I say things and I never back out of an ultimatum I only say things I mean and only give threats i am prepared to carry out. Anyone who knows me knows this.

I will be telling him it's get help or we're gone, but i will not walk out until he has had time to seek help and act on it. Mainly because we have no where to go!

OP posts:
EleanorRathbone · 02/11/2011 21:55

If he doesn't accept that he's an alcoholic, then he is not going to give up drinking.

So you are sentencing your children to grow up in an alcoholic household.

It's your choice. He has no control over his drinking, but you do have control over whether you put up with it. You've decided you're going to and you've decided that on behalf of your children too.

I'm not saying leave him immediately. I'm saying that if you're not prepared to countenance that option if he doesn't acknowledge his problem and start working on it tomorrow then you're giving him carte blanche to carry on drinking and damaging you and your children.

It's your life and your choice. But you should make your choice from a position of full acknowledgement of what you are doing, not from a position of denial.

MangoMonster · 02/11/2011 21:55

Feel for you, but acknowleding something needs to be done is a good starting point. Please pm me if you want to share x

EleanorRathbone · 02/11/2011 21:57

All he needs to do is find an AA meeting tomorrow.

Unless you live in the back of beyond, there is an AA meeting in most places which are reasonably easy to find.

When you say he needs time, he doesn't need that much time. His first step is to say : "I will not drink today". He can do that tomorrow. Then on Friday, he can say again "I will not drink today". Then on Saturday... etc.

He needs sobering up time and then he can start working on this. That's the only time he needs.