Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

His drinking is destroying me

111 replies

NearlyMrsCustardsHardHat · 02/11/2011 20:16

'D'P has always been a big drinker but was able to stop as and when he needed to, recently, in the past few months, he has been drinking on average 6 or 7 cans of cider a night from when he gets in from work to coming to bed at 11pm yet he is never drunk even drinking that much in such a short space of time.

Today was a different matter though as it was his day off he was due to pick the DC's up from school. He didn't show. I couldn't get hold of him and was ringing my whole drive to pick the kids up (I had to leave work to do this, it took me a hour to get back) he had passed out in the front room drunk, he had put dinner on (a roast) and very very nearly burnt the kitchen down, we were lucky I got home when I did.

He's sleeping it off now, upstairs, has been since about 5ish when I slung him up the stairs, so i've not had a chance to have it out with him but I really can't carry on like this. I'm in pieces here. I moved the kids to be with him and now I just want to walk out.

Help.

OP posts:
Original poster
NearlyMrsCustardsHardHat · 02/11/2011 21:58

Sorry it must be frustrating for you all to read my posts

OP posts:
EleanorRathbone · 02/11/2011 21:59

No, it's not frustrating at all MrsC.

Just familiar, that's all. Sad

Keep posting, there's plenty of support here for you.

MangoMonster · 02/11/2011 22:03

It's not frustating for me. My family never took the good advice and it was sheer bad luck, i.e. Health problems that made the difference. All our support and understanding was futile. In contrast my dps mum has no one to cover her irresponsibilites or help her. She found help through AA after ten years of decline. Please look into al anon, it will help you understand what needs to be done.

bejeezus · 02/11/2011 22:13

for an alcoholic- the alcohol will always be a priority over their family

if he does not accept he is an alcoholic, how can he get help/start to recover?

you are not helping him by staying. you are enabling him.

by staying, you are damaging your children;

they are deprived of a father figure by his drinking. if you stay to 'help' him, they will also be deprived of their mother

Snorbs · 02/11/2011 22:40

You didn't cause his drinking problem.
You cannot control his drinking.
You cannot cure his drinking problem.

Al-Anon is for friends and family of alcoholics. It's for you. You may find it helpful, you may not. The thing about Al-Anon that made the biggest difference for me was the knowledge that I wasn't the only one trying to manage the unmanageable. There's a very good book called "Co-dependent No More" by Melody Beattie that talks a lot about how being in a relationship with someone with a drink/drugs problem can take over our own lives. The book can really help you to get your focus off of him and his drinking and on to what is best for you and your children. There is also a series of book called "Getting Them Sober" that I have heard very good things about.

One final thought. If all it took to cure alcoholism was love and support then there would be a hell of a lot fewer alcoholics in this world. This is not a battle you can fight for him. It's all down to him.

bejeezus · 03/11/2011 09:58

How are you doing today Custard?

OldernotWiser47 · 03/11/2011 11:09

Custard, I have run the amount through the NHS unit calculater- if he drinks 7 cans cider/night, he drinks 140 units a week!! And that is just what you know about, not to mention the "hidden" drinking (pint on the way home etc?). That is one hell of a problem, and he will not be able to control it.
Has he got alcohol stashed/ hidden? Many alcoholics do this.
I agree with the others, though, HE needs to make the decision- all you can do is delay the crisis.
(regular lurker/ irregular poster for some time, name changed)

Original poster
NearlyMrsCustardsHardHat · 03/11/2011 11:11

I'm exhausted. He woke up at 2 and as I was still up we talked. I gave him back my engagement ring and gave him his ultimatums.

He made himself a gp appointment this morning which I took him to and he is aiming to get sober. I'm expecting him to fall on his arse to begin with but he admitted he had a problem and blamed it on being a habit. He did try and say he'd cut down but knew ibwouldnt accept that after he put that to me.

He took a long time to decide what he wanted though.

I'm exhausted and emotionally drained right now so come to work to avoid thinking about it too much. But I'm hopeful he's going to try and get sober. He knows I mean what I say. Will keep you posted, more so because I know I'm going to need to let rip in these coming months.

OP posts:
Original poster
NearlyMrsCustardsHardHat · 03/11/2011 11:45

I'll tell you this. Accountancy and sleep deprivation do not mix!

OP posts:
springydaffs · 03/11/2011 13:01

I'm not so cruel as to leave a person who needs help

this is misguided OP. He doesn't need help. He has his first love and I doubt he will give it up easily. Even if it means he could lose everything. Your first love is him, his first love is the booze (hands down). He'll try to placate you, he'll hope this fuss will pass, and then will carry on as before - re he will do it again. he has no intention of stopping it for real - and you scurrying around enabling him (eg taking him to the docs, altering your work hours) will make sure he doesn't.

Nothing you do or say will make a jot of difference to whether he stops or not - the impetus to stop will come from him and only him. Your choice is stark: either you stay with someone who is a huge practical risk (apart from the emotional risk), who creates chaos in your family, robs you of sleep (with early-hours deep-and-meaningfuls - not as meaningful as you may think Sad) or you live free from it. He's not as sorry and helpless as you think OP, he's got what he wants and he chooses it, doesn't really care how it impacts on you and dc, kids himself it's not so bad.

I hope in your research you come across info about the effects on children of living with an alcoholic parent. The effect is appalling and devastating, and can (often does) last a lifetime. i don't know what ss policy is on children living with an alcoholic parent but my guess it is the same as children living with any addict.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/11/2011 13:24

ALL your replies are all words that codependent partners of alcoholics write.

His primary relationship is with drink; you and everything/everyone else comes a dim and distant second even if you all do figure on his priority list. Your whole life revolves around him and his alcoholism, the vast majority of your posts are about him in the main.

You're as caught up in his alcoholism as he is. You are now his enabler and your actions frankly just help him to continue drinking; you actively shield him from the consequences of his actions.

You're the last person who can help him and most importantly he does NOT WANT your help. Like many alcoholics as well he is in denial of the problems. How could you realistically help him anyway, you're too close to this to be of any real use. Sorry to write that but realism, harsh as that is, is needed here.

You cannot act as his rescuer and or saviour here and you're making all the classic mistakes associated with partners of alcoholics. He will just end up dragging you and your children down with him and you moved in to be with him?.

Why is walking out not an option, you truly owe him nothing really. He is also no ideal role model for your children to look up to either is he?. What will he teach them about relationships let alone your good self?. You're both imparting them damaging lessons currently.

You have a choice re him, your children do not. It is not thier honest wish to spend their time with an alcoholic for a stepparent.

Snorbs · 03/11/2011 13:27

"Aiming to get sober" is a phrase that implies a lot but commits to nothing.

How long are you willing to give him to play around with getting help and experimenting with different drinking patterns? What is your line in the sand here - what would he need to do for you to believe that his drinking problem is resolved? And what would he need to do for you to believe that it's time to walk away?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/11/2011 13:30

Would agree with every single word of Snorbs's posts.

I was wondering NearlyMrsCustardsHardHat if you grew up in a household where alcoholism was present.

Original poster
NearlyMrsCustardsHardHat · 03/11/2011 14:40

Thank you for your advice and input. I have no reason to doubt he'll do this. My kids are, or were up until last night, oblivious to his drinking. Up until last night I had no concerns for their safety, I still don't as they will not be left alone with him until he remains sober and I am confident I can trust him again. I am not 'enabling' him nor am I 'codependent' I know my partner and I know my own mind. I will leave him if he cannot get dry.

The ultimatum was drink or family. He quibbled the odd social drink but I won't tolerate that. I will leave if he has any alcohol. He knows I am true to my word and it scared him enough to seek help.

I have to trust it will happen and have to trust he will get sober. I cannot so that for him. I can poor the drink away ban the stuff from the house but unless he's committed to getting sober there is no point.

I can look after me and the kids. I will not let them come to any harm.

OP posts:
Original poster
NearlyMrsCustardsHardHat · 03/11/2011 14:42

Sorry for the typos and waffle I'm on my phone being sneaky on mumsnet at work

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/11/2011 15:28

"I will leave him if he cannot get dry"

Hmmm. You previously said leaving him however, was not an option.

On what basis do you state you are neither enabling or acting as his codepedent; you are clearly doing both here. Suggesting pouring away the drink is again enabling; that just gives you a false sense of control. You are trying to police his drinking if you suggest you ban alcohol from the home; he will just consume it away from home.

Getting him to the GPs is one thing; seeing that he follows through now is actually not your responsibility. What if he does not?. Words are cheap after all; he may likely have not told the GP everything about his drinking.

He's already showing you by both words and actions that he cannot address his alcoholism because at heart he does not want to. What if you find he is drinking tonight?.

Think too your children realise re their step dad far more than you give them credit for. An ultimatum can only be given once otherwise it loses all its power; saying drink or family to him will make him choose drink. He's already choosing drink over you all.

I would like to know exactly what you get out of this relationship now if anything. What keeps you within this?. Apart from anything else your children certainly do not need a drunkard for a step-parent.

catwithflowers · 03/11/2011 15:29

Totally agree with Snorbs' and Atilla's posts. Been there and left after 20 plus years. It is/was heartbreaking but necessary. Ex told me recently that alcohol was "an effect and not a cause" - in other words he was alcoholic because he was unhappy not that alcohol was the root of the problem. Hmm

You cannot change anyone with an addiction. They can only change themselves. Its a hard truth to face, especially when you have children Sad

Original poster
NearlyMrsCustardsHardHat · 03/11/2011 15:31

Why is it now an option? Because I made it an option after our conversation. I will find the means to go if I have to.

OP posts:
bejeezus · 03/11/2011 15:38

Good, glad to hear you will be sticking to your ultimatum. Does he have any chances or is it 1 strike and out.

Will you think about the incident yesterday- what reason did you give school for the kids not being collected? Did you say your partner was supposed to do it but he is an alcoholic and he passed out drunk on the floor at home so you had to come from work?
Or did you lie?
What reason did you give work for leaving? Did you lie to them? Was your work affected today because you were tired and distracted?
Please research coodependancy and enabling.

Also, you need to detach. Arrange yours and the kids lives so that his unreliability and drinking cannot affect practical stuff

I stayed too long, which is why I give this advice

Original poster
NearlyMrsCustardsHardHat · 03/11/2011 15:42

1 strike and we're gone.

I told my boss there are problems at home and she is being understanding of me being tired today. The kids know why he didn't collect them.

I am making mine and the kids lives independent of him while he sorts himself out. One drink and we are gone, why, because if he has one he will have more he is incapable of havig just one.

OP posts:
bejeezus · 03/11/2011 15:45

What reason did you give the school?

bejeezus · 03/11/2011 15:46

What did the gp say?

Snorbs · 03/11/2011 15:59

Well done. I think it's good that you have such a clear boundary over what you will and will not accept. Those with drink/drug problems often try to push our boundaries and get us to go back on what we say. Stand firm.

I think it's also very important and powerful that you told your children what happened. You might want to re-iterate to them every now and then that his drinking is nothing to do with them - it's not their fault, it's not their responsibility, and it's not something they should feel they need to police.

Good luck.

Proudnscary · 03/11/2011 16:14

Though I agree completely with Bejeezus and Attila in essence - would you both say the same things you've said to OP leaving her dh to the women on the Brave Babes thread in reverse (ie their partners should leave them as they will no doubt face years of misery?)
Or would you hope that their husbands would support and stick with them?
It's a genuine question, but admittedly with an edge...

Proudnscary · 03/11/2011 16:15

Fuck that was badly worded - I hope you know what I was asking Bejeezus and Attila?