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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

His drinking is destroying me

111 replies

NearlyMrsCustardsHardHat · 02/11/2011 20:16

'D'P has always been a big drinker but was able to stop as and when he needed to, recently, in the past few months, he has been drinking on average 6 or 7 cans of cider a night from when he gets in from work to coming to bed at 11pm yet he is never drunk even drinking that much in such a short space of time.

Today was a different matter though as it was his day off he was due to pick the DC's up from school. He didn't show. I couldn't get hold of him and was ringing my whole drive to pick the kids up (I had to leave work to do this, it took me a hour to get back) he had passed out in the front room drunk, he had put dinner on (a roast) and very very nearly burnt the kitchen down, we were lucky I got home when I did.

He's sleeping it off now, upstairs, has been since about 5ish when I slung him up the stairs, so i've not had a chance to have it out with him but I really can't carry on like this. I'm in pieces here. I moved the kids to be with him and now I just want to walk out.

Help.

OP posts:
tryingtofigureitout · 03/11/2011 21:20

mango - i think i will at least read up on al anon. I do see I probably need some support, even if just in preparation for how to handle future incidents.

I'll need to be honest right here and now so I'm not sugar coating this - BY ACCIDENT we had a drink together on Saturday night there at a party. We drove there but it was such a good party and we got caught up in the atmosphere and ended up having a few drinks and we had a great time. When we woke up (kids were staying the night at his mum's) I started crying right away saying "what have we done"? I was so scared he'd take that as an invitation to start drinking again and that's not what I want. Anyway we talked it through and I made it clear that was a one off, he agreed, and we're back to normal for now. I sound like a fool but we're doing our best. He likes his sober life too now so he's hoping he can become a sensible drinker in the future, not just now though (apart from sat nt).

I'm going to run away in shame now.

MangoMonster · 03/11/2011 21:20

I agree staying does harm, but it's dependent on the situation. I'm taking it that your DS is not abusive to you or your kids and they dont see him drunk? My relative wasn't pleasant while drunk and we saw it, a lot. However, she was functional during the day. Don't get me wrong it does harm to your kids and when I was younger I often hated her and wished she was gone, but really it was the drink I wished was gone. She had lots of sadness in her youth and drinking helped her feel normal.

Drinking is often a symptom of other issues, like depression. AA will help win that, but whether you leave him or not is ultimately you're decision. My relationship with my relative would be worse if we had left her. Like I said don't dismiss it and try to forget it like we used to, but get help and thugs could be different.

MangoMonster · 03/11/2011 21:24

Just one thing I've learnt. When an alcoholic gives up drink, that means no drinking ever again, one drink kills it all. My relative gave up once for two years and then she started having a beer with dinner, my brother and dad accepted this, I didnt, before you know, she was an alcoholic again. No drinking means no drinking, seriously.

tryingtofigureitout · 03/11/2011 21:28

I know Eleanor. But I'm just being honest. Time will tell. I'll let you know.

Right, i'll await your response from my last post. I know you're just going to slate me but I can take it. I just had to be honest about the slip up on Sat night. The only good thing about all this is that me and my husband are communicating about everything - the good, the bad and the ugly. If you think we are in denial now you should have seen us 6 months ago. We ARE making progress, even if it is in vain as you clearly think.

bejeezus · 03/11/2011 21:29

A person can't become an alcoholic 'again'. Once you are an alcoholic, you are an alcoholic for life, whether you are drinking or sober.

tryingtofigureitout · 03/11/2011 21:32

I know that is true of alcoholics mango, I'm just hoping my husband isnt an alcoholic.
Im hoping he has just been an idiot who has nipped his immature drinking in the bud.
If it escalates I will accept he is an alcoholic and then ill worry about plan B.

carantala · 03/11/2011 21:33

NMCHH Have been lurking today. I've been in your position. Think that you should have thrown him out a long time ago. Must have been humiliating for children that their father did not turn up at school, let alone finding him drunk and the kitchen almost on fire!

Alcoholism is NOT a disease; it's a self-inflicted condition and people with real illnesses and diseases should be highly insulted by these selfish bs who are trying to justify themselves.

Sorry to say this but you ARE his enabler! Try and discover the cause of his unhappiness; meanwhile, sending very best wishes to you and DCs

bejeezus · 03/11/2011 21:34

I have a friend who has been sober for 40 years. She has been to an AA meeting at least once a week, for every week of those 40 years. Even when she is on holiday.

Sobriety is hard work for an alcoholic

Fairenuff · 03/11/2011 21:36

He may not be an alcoholic trying but he may never be able to drink 'normally'.

MangoMonster · 03/11/2011 21:36

tryingtofigureitout just want to say, we never had any impact on stopping my relative drinking not matter what we did. She had 2 health scares which prompted the stop. First time she relapsed as we let her, she's still sober the second time. Please don't think you can change him. It's simply not possible, he has to have a realisation. Question is, what will make that happen?

stayforappledunking · 03/11/2011 21:36

My granddad was an alcoholic. Stopped when he was forty and never drank again. Wouldnt even touch liqueur chocolates. It can happen, but sadly is rare I think.

I was married to a man that drank 4-5 cider every night. For the eight years of our marriage and probably many years before. Couldnt handle spirits, used to pee all over the place and eventually got violent.

I personally would never get involved with a drinker again. And I wouldnt try to help one. Harsh maybe, but the emotional side is so hard to bear. If I was you...yeah I would leave. Like a shot. I am only sad I didnt leave sooner. But its your choice but I hope you dont waste years of your life with someone that may not be able to stop.

EleanorRathbone · 03/11/2011 21:42

ttfio, I"m not going to slate you, it's not my place to. Also I don't htink that you're destined to failure. Sorry if I sound incredibly negative, I really do wish you all the best and hope that your DH is worth the time, work and love you are investing in him. I'm just very conscious that most alcoholics aren't worth it and that living with an alcoholic can be almost as much of a half-life as being one. I want everyone to have full lives, that's all. And you need to have a bottom line, for your own protection.

MangoMonster · 03/11/2011 21:42

carantela I see where you're coming from, it's selfish ultimately. But do you not think most alcoholics want to change but they are stuck in a cycle of uselessness and low self esteem plus guilt. People are people, we all have our issues. Alcoholism is just a very destructive one, some people are obsessed with exercise or looks, or food or smoking etc. Everyone deserves some understanding and help. However you do need tondraw the line somewhere and everyone individually needs to figure out where that line is.

tryingtofigureitout · 03/11/2011 21:44

I don't think I can change him, I'm sticking around while he tries to change himself.

Thanks for the chat, its a hard one.

Mrs Custard, take care x

escape · 03/11/2011 21:45

It's about 10 years since my mum was found passed out in the living room, with my baby daughter crawling around the house and a 'dinner on' in the kitchen about to send the place up in flames.
She died on July 29th, aged 49 years.
From Alcoholism.
I am sure one of the reasons she denied she was an Alcoholic was because she didn't go into pubs....

tryingtofigureitout · 03/11/2011 21:47

thanks Eleanor.

going to bed now but ill check in again over the weekend.

tryingtofigureitout · 03/11/2011 21:48

oh my god escape. im so sorry x
that was a powerful statement

thanks mango too x

buggeringbt · 03/11/2011 21:53

You can't tolerate this, op. You could end up tolerating it for years. And ther will be no refund for your years of toleration. A drink here and there is a bit of fun but if impacts on the dc it is a problem. I went through something similar and I curse myself that I let it drag. Best wishes to you. Perhaps CBT??

QuintessentialShadow · 03/11/2011 21:55

FIL died to alcoholism aged 55.

MangoMonster · 03/11/2011 21:57

There are shades of alcoholism...

QuintessentialShadow · 03/11/2011 21:59

I should add, upon his death the banks pounced upon my poor mil, as he had funded his drinking by taking up loans. Nobody knew about this.

Guess who has been paying back these debts over the last 4 years! Sad Angry
But in reality, FIL has drunk up thousands of our savings. £200 per month we pay. ...

carantala · 03/11/2011 22:21

My XH was a "pub" man - used to go every night after work and all sessions at weekends despite my protestations! We didn't know the term "alcoholic" then but just thought that it was a man thing and they liked a drink. He went to the pub when I was heavily in labour and having a home birth.

Moving on, he came home from a Saturday session and immediately passed out in the bathroom with his feet against the door. I had to call his friend for help, who used our ladder to gain entry through the b/room window. My XH had shit himself! Friend helped me to get him into bed and, in an effort to make him ashamed of his behaviour, I placed the disgusting pants next to his head. Hours later, I heard my XH run down the stairs, get into his car and found that he had driven to the pub after pulling on the shitty pants under his clothes.

He ruined our social life - I !was always making excuses for him to family and children (used to say that he wasn't feeling well, etc). He also was a womaniser, usually with women that he had met in the pub.

Sorry, OP - have gone off at a tangent! Didn't mean to steal your post! My XH's drinking ruined everything for our family! DD1 became anorexic, DS overdosed several times and DD2 took to self-harming and went into care for a while. I realise that I should have left XH much earlier but he always threatened that I would never see DCs again. I was very weak! Guess what! He divorced me for unreasonable behaviour a few years later (I did have an affair eventually!)

Sorry this is so long! Don't end up like us

FootLikeATractionEngine · 03/11/2011 22:44

Sorry that you are having to deal with this, NearlyMrsCustardsHardHat.

I've name-changed because, well, I suppose I live a different life these days and want some separation. Just wanted to share a couple of things that really helped me when I was where you are now. Fingers crossed you don't need them, but put them in your back pocket just in case,

Al-anon meetings were a real help. I wasn't, and still am not, religious, but what might have been offputting once soon became irrelevant when I was really hurting. I made some life-long friendship that have grown outwith my lapsed membership of al-anon. If the thought of al-anon is a bit much at the moment, you can download talks for free here.

Also, this forum was a massive lifeline for me in the early days of realisation that my partner had a big problem. I'm not sure if the site is what it once was, or if I have just changed a lot, but even reading the sticky posts at the top of the page might help.

Magnificent post by Snorbs up there, btw.

bejeezus · 03/11/2011 22:45

Reading these stories I'm mindful of how I would have reacted to them when I was still in denial and enabling my stbxh;

my situation isn't that bad. My husband would never do that

Whilst he isn't dead it did get really grim

custard be careful not to use other peoples dire experiences to minimise your own
I wanted to say also that it is ok to seek help. I get the feeling from your posts that you feel that you think you can manage/ are in control/ don't need help. Most people living with an alcoholic benefit from talking about it. It is not a sign of weakness.

Have you told anyone in RL? I used to feel so ashamed and 'managed' for years. It is such a relief to tell people. Most people will not judge you x

carantala · 04/11/2011 00:23

Just re-read my post; sounds as if my XP was a low-down dosser. He was, in fact, a very highly paid engineering executive who could not stop drinking

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