His drinking is destroying me

[NearlyMrsCustardsHardHat]

'D'P has always been a big drinker but was able to stop as and when he needed to, recently, in the past few months, he has been drinking on average 6 or 7 cans of cider a night from when he gets in from work to coming to bed at 11pm yet he is never drunk even drinking that much in such a short space of time.

Today was a different matter though as it was his day off he was due to pick the DC's up from school. He didn't show. I couldn't get hold of him and was ringing my whole drive to pick the kids up (I had to leave work to do this, it took me a hour to get back) he had passed out in the front room drunk, he had put dinner on (a roast) and very very nearly burnt the kitchen down, we were lucky I got home when I did.

He's sleeping it off now, upstairs, has been since about 5ish when I slung him up the stairs, so i've not had a chance to have it out with him but I really can't carry on like this. I'm in pieces here. I moved the kids to be with him and now I just want to walk out.

Help.

Why are you paying for your FIL's debts? Why doesn't your MIL declare herself bankrupt if she can't pay? I would never pass my debts on to my kids.

MIL is in Eastern Europe. Not really sure how she can declare herself bankrupt. She is a widow looking after a severely disabled daughter (now adult) full time. She was the breadwinner until her dh died. The banks said they would arrange for her benefits to be sent directly to them for down payment. Apparently they could do that. (dh looked into this for her) No institution will now take my sil, she is too ill and requires one to one care. In brief. No choice.

The point is rather that alcohol is expensive, and the op should ensure that her dh is not racking up a substantial debt.

for me, it was my aunt (and her husband!). She died a few years ago, so survived quite some time.
However, her daughters (my cousins) were a different matter- one killed herself age 30, leaving 3 little girls (oldest 7), the other one died of Alcoholism age 25!

I see in your last post you say he has not drunk in 24 hours. I am surprised he does not have DTs if he drinks 20 units/day. In fact, if he does not have DTs, I would question him not having drunk. Sorry.
I work with Alcoholics professionally, though, and please- sudden complete abstinence from 140 u/wk to nil is likely to cause severe problems, please involve professionals ASAP.

That's why iasked what the doctor said- my husband was on iv fluid and sedated for 48 hours for detox

mrscustard. Just wanted to say, I think my posts might have come across a bit like you should support you DH before yourself and your kids. That's not what I meant and I think you do need to address the issue. Was just trying to say that it's not as easy or black and White as some suggest. You have to figure input with the help of AA and al-anon.

OP has been gone for some time ............. I hope she is ok and today hasnt been too traumatic for her. :(

Hi all, thank you for your continued support. Ive not been around as I've had to take some time to get my head right. I'm so sorry to hear what you've all gone through :(

With regards what the GP said, 'D'P hasn't said what went on and I don't want to push the point with him although i'm frustrated he's closed up on me about that, makes me wonder if he walked in and walked out again, my trust in him isn't exactly at its peak right now...

Latest update is we're still together (just) and he's away for work this week which I think is very much needed for both of us, will he drink while he's way? I have no idea. I hope not. We've barely spoken to each other the past couple of days so I hope the break does us good.

I have sought help from Al-anon and while DP is away i intend to go to a local meeting, i'll let you know how it goes if I can get there.

Life sucks right now. I have sinusitis too which isn't helping matters and I'm feeling very sorry for myself :(

Hi, MrsCustard, sorry to hear you're not well.

If your DH told GP about alcohol use, he should, as a minimum, be on Thiamine and VitB complex- absolute minimum requirement, and will not control withdrawal. Is he on any new Meds?

There is NO WAY an alcoholic on 140 u/ week can withdraw without significant withdrawal symptoms (DTs). Has he got any/ did he have any? Should start somewhere around day 2, and last 4-6 days.

Have you checked the house for "hidden treasure"?

I hope you get on well at Al-Anon, I think going is a very good idea.

OldernotWiser, I agree that someone drinking that much, that regularly, is almost certainly going to have significant alcohol withdrawal symptoms if he stops drinking suddenly. Probably not full-blown delirium tremens but very likely to be the shakes, anxiety, insomnia etc.

That being said I would gently suggest that how the 'D'P in question is or is not medicating his alcohol withdrawal is not the OP's concern. It's his drinking problem. It's his responsibility.

Similarly, searching the house for evidence is one of the classic signs of co-dependency. It can also end up driving you nuts as you rack your brains for where it could be hidden while sitting there with your ears pricked for the sound of a can being opened. It's no way to live.

As I understand it and certainly in my experience, the best way of dealing with someone else who has a drinking problem is to disengage from anything to do with the drinking as much as humanly possible. If he really has stopped drinking for good it will become obvious quite quickly. If he is still drinking, or he stops and then restarts, it will also very quickly become blatantly obvious. Trust your instincts and don't listen to the excuses or lies.

OP, I hope your sinusitis gets better soon.

you're right, of course, Snorbs, regarding the hidden stuff. I just thought it may be good to know if he did this, rather then search the house to clear it- sorry, that was not obvious.
Thiamine and Vit B does not medicate withdrawal- it replaces Vitamins the alcohol reduces in the system. I was suggesting the OP may use them as indicator as to whether he has told GP.

(FootLikeATractionEngine here. Can't be arsed to name change again)

NearlyMrsCustardsHardHat, I am so sorry to hear how hard life is at the moment. I remember how I felt when the scales started to fall from my eyes and I began to realise that yes, the situation really is that shit.

I really hope that you manage to get to a meeting - please bear in mind that there is a suggestion that you go to 6 before you make your mind up as each meeting has a different flavour, depending on the topic. If you are lucky and have a choice of locations, maybe try one of the others too. And I'll mention again the book that Snorbs referenced further up thread - Codependent No More. And the Getting Them Sober books too. In fact, I might have those somewhere - if I do, I'm quite happy to send them to you. I'll PM you if I find them.

This isn't your fault, by the way. And he isn't drinking to spite you/hurt you/make you miserable. He's just drinking. A big "just", I know, but I think it's important to recognise.

Hang in there and keep posting. I found that I gained so much clarity by writing stuff down and getting feedback. Maybe you will too.