I want my 14 ds to leave

[Limara]

Warning- VERY LONG

My relationship with my son is bad. To be honest, our relationship has never been good. I have never been able to meet him/click with him on any angle at all. My dh has a strained relationship with our son/his son. I use the word strained because it's a marginally better relationship because they are the same sex and they like cars.

From an early age, I suspected he had some kind of special need because I could never get any eye contact with him and could never connected with him. I remember pushing him in a swing around 18 months?, looking and smiling at him for some kind of reaction and getting noting back? Again sitting on a mat rolling a ball towards him and him totally ignoring me my facial expressions? In hindsight, he was unimpressed with most items/toys apart from Yugioh (he was obsessed). At this time, I felt I had no relationship/connection at all and I remember saying to my health visitor who was visiting me during an anti natal visit, that I didn't think I loved my son?

Infant school was difficult for him. I had his hearing tested which was fine. Finally, a year 3 teachers had a word with me. The teacher said for 6 weeks my son wouldn't sit on his spot on the carpet. SHe thought he was being naughty until she finally realised in her opinion, he didn't actually know where his spot on the carpet was! She referred me to the SENCO who assessed him to be above average in his reading and comprehension age and there was nothing they could do for him because he wasn't behind in his work!

I sent him to the speech therapist because they can assess his comprehension. Again he did well in this test. I decided to move schools because although the school was brilliant hollistically, it wasn't very disciplined and I thought my son would benefit from clear boundaries.

The move was ok in his first year there but they mixed the classes up the next year and instead of being with the kids he'd just made friends with, he had to then start all over again and this unsettled him and he was bullied. He was always in trouble from then on with missed homework and messing around in class. He left with decent stats though? We paid for Karate for him hoping to raise his self esteem and give him a goal but he gave up after a few months. He was an absolute natural at it and amazed the instructors with his speed and agility! . Again, he was unimpressed .

I knew starting Secondardy school would be difficult for him because in my eyes, he has some kind of special need although nobody has articulated/diagnosed this preferring to say he has attention problems. Special needs children have difficulty changing routine and classrooms and sure enough, he found this/finds this difficult.

My son is in Y10 now and he is constantly in lunch/after school detention, constantly late for school even though we live round the corner, has accrued nearly 12 weeks on report, doesn't wash and isn't bothered about how he looks. He forgets EVERYTHING. I am constantly picking up the pieces for him; liaising with teachers, sorting things out for him it goes on and on.

We argue about everything. I was saying to him the other day that I was going to buy him a coat HE needs and WANTS. He was arguing about this too!

There are arguments in our house all the time, it is never ending. I tell my son I love him every day not to make myself feel better but because I reflect on the arguments and the atmosphere and I cringe at the damage harsh words may have caused him. I just don't want him near me. See i've just typed this and it isn't strictly true. I do want him near me but as soon as the argument develops, I want him away from me. I've tried all the tricks; ignoring him doesn't help as he follows me. Also, I need to keep on to him with school work deadlines and these are MASSIVE conflict areas. School have told me they will expel him if it goes the way it did in Y9

I want him diagnosed as I truly believe he has special needs and I want proper help and guidance with him and a reason for all these years of nightmare and if not, well I am prepared to look at things in a different light?

Our relationship with our DD is fab.

ps. other bits and pieces:
When we are driving around our home town (quite small) in the car, he doesn't know where he is?
He sees things in a very black and white way, very fixed?

What have you done to get him assessed? Just through school or also with your GP?

I'm surprised no other teachers have picked up on any of this so far.

My dd was difficult in yr 9 and 10. We got a CAF report dine to access other help. Maybe ask for this?

I have no knowledge of this subject really - but this does sound very much like he has some kind of issue. Somewhere on the autistic spectrum perhaps.. There are lots of people here who can offer you advice. It must be really hard - but surely you don't really want him to leave?

i'm no expert, but is it possible he has asperger's?

Have you looked into Asperger's syndrome?

Asperger's sprang to my mind too. Have you asked your GP for help?

Hi, you should go over to the special needs boards, you will get lots of help and advice over there.

My heart goes out to you. I remember kids like this when I was at high school. There may not be a diagnosis available for them but somehow you just 'know' that they aren't wired quite the same.

Does he enjoy anything at all? If he is immersed in something that he enjoys doing then maybe you'll get to see another side of him? I'm sure someone will have suggested that to you before.

What sort of harsh words? Maybe stop using them rather than telling you, you love him. It's a mixed message.

We've been to CAMHS and the nurse said he has NO problems concentrating because he was able to concentrate during the session I accompanied my DS a few times after this but he said he didn't get anything out of it? My DH has been the last few times and most recently say a month ago, the CAHMS nurse said he didn't have special needs How can she diagnose this?

I went to my GP about weeks ago and explained the whole thing and told her I want his specifically tested for specials needs so she has referred me to a paediatrician. Still waiting for an appointment........

What sort of relationship did you have with your parents also when you were growing up?

Where do you want him to go?

I am so sorry. It sounds as if you and he needs help

There's a lot there that others have been through and gone on to be diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome. I won't say that's what he's "got" because I'm not a psychiatrist and I've never met him

There are a lot of strategies that can be used to facilitate communication with a person with AS, the first place to look would be the National Autistic Society website, because Asperger Syndrome is the name for the high functioning end of the Autistic Spectrum (massive over-simplification, but it's explained far better by better people than me!) That might be a good way to help your relationship with your son, and help him express his feelings, learn ways to relate to his peers etc.

People with Asperger's often have average or above average intelligence, and can pick up some coping strategies which is why it's so hard to diagnose. If you choose to go down that route, you need to see your GP for a referral to CAMHS and/or a paediatrician. If you repost in the Special Needs part of the forum, lots of lovely people will be able to share their experiences of actually doing this.

He sounds very similar to a friend's child who has Asperger's syndrome. He was also very confrontational and in constant trouble at school. He does not have a formal diagnosis however, his parents pulled out of the diagnostic process, partly because their DS refused to co-operate, and partly because they decided they didn't want him "labelled". His mum is a social worker and decided "labelling" would make him "act out" Autistic Spectrum behaviour.

My DS was diagnosed with Asperger's when he was 13, (he presents very differently to your son though) so it isn't too late to get him assessed. You would do far better to post this message on the Special Needs boards, where more experienced people than I will be able to talk you through exactly what you need to do.

Good luck.

Limara, I have PM'd you, but also, if the school are threatening exclusion, is he on School Action?

I suggest you push for him to be assessed at school by an educational psychologist.

Apologies for typos last post. So tired I've got the beady eye thing going on...
Thunderbolt, I'm 'done' with the not shout/ the shouting, with the tactical ignoring/taking an interest and leaving him to his own devices basically letting HIM take responsibility because it ALWAYS comes back to it being MY responsibility. I am always writing letters to school suggesting this and that- ''he responds to positive praise rather than detentions''(he doesn't care).

I was a special needs TA working along side Aspergers, ADHD, etc. All sounding a bit Munchhousens lol!

My DS can't empathise.

What sort of harsh words though. What do you say?

The reason I'm asking is because he might have special needs, but he also might have an attachment disorder.

If you never bonded with him, even when he was a small baby, then that's a possibility.

Thunderbolt. 'I don't want to be around you' 'I give up' . More recently, 'I'm fed up with all this shit' and tonight, 'I want either YOU to leave or I will'' Real character building you know.

Yes, attachment disorder, aspergers etc. Who can help me? I even remember going to see my GP and telling him all of this. He said the school should refer him and the school said the GP should refer him. FF 6/7 years and look what's happened?

i just think he would benefit if we weren't around each other.

Did you always feel like that about him? That it would be better if you weren't around each other?

Really you have to stop talking to him like that, diagnosis or not, frustration or not.

How did your parents treat you? Because this can be learned behaviour.