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Original poster

I want my 14 ds to leave

114 replies

Limara · 01/11/2011 21:07

Warning- VERY LONG

My relationship with my son is bad. To be honest, our relationship has never been good. I have never been able to meet him/click with him on any angle at all. My dh has a strained relationship with our son/his son. I use the word strained because it's a marginally better relationship because they are the same sex and they like cars.

From an early age, I suspected he had some kind of special need because I could never get any eye contact with him and could never connected with him. I remember pushing him in a swing around 18 months?, looking and smiling at him for some kind of reaction and getting noting back? Again sitting on a mat rolling a ball towards him and him totally ignoring me my facial expressions? In hindsight, he was unimpressed with most items/toys apart from Yugioh (he was obsessed). At this time, I felt I had no relationship/connection at all and I remember saying to my health visitor who was visiting me during an anti natal visit, that I didn't think I loved my son? Sad

Infant school was difficult for him. I had his hearing tested which was fine. Finally, a year 3 teachers had a word with me. The teacher said for 6 weeks my son wouldn't sit on his spot on the carpet. SHe thought he was being naughty until she finally realised in her opinion, he didn't actually know where his spot on the carpet was! She referred me to the SENCO who assessed him to be above average in his reading and comprehension age and there was nothing they could do for him because he wasn't behind in his work!

I sent him to the speech therapist because they can assess his comprehension. Again he did well in this test. I decided to move schools because although the school was brilliant hollistically, it wasn't very disciplined and I thought my son would benefit from clear boundaries.

The move was ok in his first year there but they mixed the classes up the next year and instead of being with the kids he'd just made friends with, he had to then start all over again and this unsettled him and he was bullied. He was always in trouble from then on with missed homework and messing around in class. He left with decent stats though? We paid for Karate for him hoping to raise his self esteem and give him a goal but he gave up after a few months. He was an absolute natural at it and amazed the instructors with his speed and agility! Smile. Again, he was unimpressed Sad.

I knew starting Secondardy school would be difficult for him because in my eyes, he has some kind of special need although nobody has articulated/diagnosed this preferring to say he has attention problems. Special needs children have difficulty changing routine and classrooms and sure enough, he found this/finds this difficult.

My son is in Y10 now and he is constantly in lunch/after school detention, constantly late for school even though we live round the corner, has accrued nearly 12 weeks on report, doesn't wash and isn't bothered about how he looks. He forgets EVERYTHING. I am constantly picking up the pieces for him; liaising with teachers, sorting things out for him it goes on and on.

We argue about everything. I was saying to him the other day that I was going to buy him a coat HE needs and WANTS. He was arguing about this too! Confused

There are arguments in our house all the time, it is never ending. I tell my son I love him every day not to make myself feel better but because I reflect on the arguments and the atmosphere and I cringe at the damage harsh words may have caused him. I just don't want him near me. See i've just typed this and it isn't strictly true. I do want him near me but as soon as the argument develops, I want him away from me. I've tried all the tricks; ignoring him doesn't help as he follows me. Also, I need to keep on to him with school work deadlines and these are MASSIVE conflict areas. School have told me they will expel him if it goes the way it did in Y9 Shock

I want him diagnosed as I truly believe he has special needs and I want proper help and guidance with him and a reason for all these years of nightmare and if not, well I am prepared to look at things in a different light?

Our relationship with our DD is fab.

ps. other bits and pieces:
When we are driving around our home town (quite small) in the car, he doesn't know where he is?
He sees things in a very black and white way, very fixed?

OP posts:
TheSecondComing · 01/11/2011 21:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sugarandspiceandallthingsnice · 01/11/2011 21:49

I second asking school for CAF. Have worked with primary aged children who have been diagnosed on autistic spectrum/attachment disorder. Families in some cases finding it hard and needing support. CAF - common assessment framework - brings together all who are connected with the child (forgive me if you know this) so that support can be looked at.

In some cases, lots of support with parent support advisor with school (worth looking into, more and more schools have them and although they are more visible round here in primary, they are also attached to high school within the cluster), family support workers, social workers etc. They would be tailored to you.

The SENCo at your DS' school should help too. Is he on an IEP? Could this be escalated so that school support team can come in? The reason schools often say go through GP is that referrals happen quicker, but I would push both sides. Has he a sympathetic form tutor you could talk to and then escalate to SENCo/pastoral head?

Hope this is making sense, posting as I think of stuff. I know more about primary than secondary but please feel free to pm if I can help.

Original poster
Limara · 01/11/2011 22:00

Can I reiterate that I have a wonderful relationship with my DD. I consider it a normal relationship although will it be normal for her growing up insight of a dysfunctional relationship(s).

I don't think my son and I get on at all. It is really bad.

I got on with my mother and had a bad relationship with my father. If i'm really honest, I sound like my dad did towards me Sad He NEVER spoke to me unless in a conflict situation. He never bothered with me. I have tried so hard to build a relationship with him but he is so unimpressed with any suggestions I have? Sad

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 01/11/2011 22:04

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Original poster
Limara · 01/11/2011 22:04

Before easter, I reminded the SENCO that my DS was still struggling with his handwriting and said being left handed probably didn't help... She said ''really?'' I wrote to her when he started in Y7 pointing out all the things he struggles with. He was writing in pencil tonight? He's nearly 15?

OP posts:
Original poster
Limara · 01/11/2011 22:05

Laurie. I don't understand?

OP posts:
thunderboltsandlightning · 01/11/2011 22:06

So it's possibly an attachment disorder caused by lack of bonding because of the dysfunctional relationship you had with your dad. The story about him following you around when you ignore him sounds like a child who isn't securely attached. He needs that security from you, that you won't reject him or send him away, the way your father taught you to be rejecting by continually rejecting you.

You might need to start looking at your son in a different light and stop seeing him as the problem, and examine your own behaviour and feelings and the reasons for them instead.

He might have special needs too, but there's obviously a lot of other stuff going on here.

Original poster
Limara · 01/11/2011 22:10

Thunder, I totally get it I really do. I have various t-shirts at different stages in fact. My dad didn't talk to me AT ALL never.

I praise my son all the time, look positively at scenarios all the time. But when we engage in a two-way conversation, it goes to pot. It's like we're talking a completely different language?

OP posts:
baskingseals · 01/11/2011 22:12

what do you talk about?

TheSecondComing · 01/11/2011 22:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thunderboltsandlightning · 01/11/2011 22:15

I'm not sure if you do Limara.

If you praise him but are talking to him the way you've described at other times, the praise is meaningless. What you've said to him is emotionally abusive. It's not acceptable to talk to anybody like that, even if they are your own children, especially if they are your own children. You won't be able to communicate effectively or harmoniously until you sort out what's going on underneath.

It sounds like you never bonded with him. That's where you need to start, thinking about that.

MadameCastafiore · 01/11/2011 22:15

I would go to Camhs and asked that he be assessed by a specialist psychologist. Most trusts will have one, get it escalated, tell them you are at the end of your rope and you are at the stage where you cannot take anymore.

OrmIrian · 01/11/2011 22:16

But who is going to care for him and love him if not you and his father? Poor lad Sad

thunderboltsandlightning · 01/11/2011 22:20

So my 2p worth, which is probably worth as much as anything else, trying to diagnose special needs on the internet, is that he has an attachment disorder because you didn't bond with him when he was a baby and little boy because of feelings leftover from your childhood, and your feelings of being unable to get through to him are the same feelings you had about how your dad treated you but now projected on to your son. You talk a lot about your son's lack of reaction to you, and you mention his lack of empathy - you don't really talk about how you reacted to him and what empathy you have for his situation.

It's tough what you've been through with your dad, but it's very sad if your son has to pay the price too.

amistillsexy · 01/11/2011 22:21

LimaraTue 01-Nov-11 21:38:41
Yes, attachment disorder, aspergers etc.

Please understand that, although attachment disorder and some forms of higher functioning ASD can have similar 'symptoms', they are not the same thing at all. You have not got a secure attachment to your son, and you have told us that you daily do more to damage the attachment and less to mend it. i am not saying this to berate you, but you do need to see that you need help, so that you can help your son. He is very nearly a man, and he is going to really struggle in life if he is not given help soon. Sad

You really need to look at attachment theories. You have had involvment with CAMHS and they have told you that your child does not have special needs. You need to stop trying to push for 'some sort of special needs'. He does not have special needs. Everyone is telling you that. You have told us the problem, the problem is that he does not have a secure attachment to his mum.

Very few doctors will say this to you because the belief is that birth mothers, unless they have extreem problems in their lives such as chaotic relationships or drug abuse, will not have attachment difficulties with their children. Attachment therapy is very expensive and reserved for very difficult to place adopted children. You will draw a blamk if you go looking for this on the NHS, although there are private therapists around.

Read up on it, and start TONIGHT with treating your son with love and respact. Read Steve Biddulf (Raising boys, etc), and 'How to Talk so Kids Will Listen' would be good for you as well.

Original poster
Limara · 01/11/2011 22:21

Baskinseals. I ask him about his day. How'd it go? I ask him if he want to meet me for lunch/his treat in the holidays. I offer to pay for the cinema for him and a mate, ask him what films are out? We watch tv together sometimes like SouthPark stuff that he likes and we talk about it. That kind of thing.

OP posts:
brianmayshair · 01/11/2011 22:22

I don't know a whole lot about Sn but The way it sounds to me is perhaps you had pnd and didn't bond this causes a child anxieties that can escalate. I had trouble bonding with my dd because of pnd and to this day despite it being resolved very early I find her to be a very clingy needy child. I can only assume that this is is because of our relationship when she was a baby.

amistillsexy · 01/11/2011 22:23

Apologies for the pityful spelling above. I'm nursing a sick headache and in bed in the dark!

brianmayshair · 01/11/2011 22:24

Sorry my point was sort of that it doesn't sound like you have resolved the issues you have had bonding with him, children pickup on this act out almost as if to make themselves unlovable so as they can understand themselves your feelings for them.

Do you take him out for days out just you and him? When you say you love him do you feel you love him?

raspberryroop · 01/11/2011 22:25

Aspergers

amistillsexy · 01/11/2011 22:27

Raspberry he has been a with the camhs team for a while. They don't think so and neither does school. Not everything is due to autism.

brianmayshair · 01/11/2011 22:27

X posts withnothers

Original poster
Limara · 01/11/2011 22:28

I feel a 1000 times worse now. I feel sick to the stomach and to be fair, deservedly so after reading these posts. I have tried to get help and it isn't there. This is why I think he would be better off away from a loveless mum-I know i have tried massively to love him but as some of you have pointed out, it is meaningless if I go and spoil it. I just don't understand him. I'm so sad. I do love him but I can't seem to help our situation Sad Sad

OP posts:
betheldeath · 01/11/2011 22:29

Have you ever considered counselling for yourself? It must be an awful burden having to live with these thoughts.

brianmayshair · 01/11/2011 22:30

What about trying counselling for yourself? Perhaps if your self esteem as his mum could be improved then your relationship would improve?