I want my 14 ds to leave

[Limara]

Warning- VERY LONG

My relationship with my son is bad. To be honest, our relationship has never been good. I have never been able to meet him/click with him on any angle at all. My dh has a strained relationship with our son/his son. I use the word strained because it's a marginally better relationship because they are the same sex and they like cars.

From an early age, I suspected he had some kind of special need because I could never get any eye contact with him and could never connected with him. I remember pushing him in a swing around 18 months?, looking and smiling at him for some kind of reaction and getting noting back? Again sitting on a mat rolling a ball towards him and him totally ignoring me my facial expressions? In hindsight, he was unimpressed with most items/toys apart from Yugioh (he was obsessed). At this time, I felt I had no relationship/connection at all and I remember saying to my health visitor who was visiting me during an anti natal visit, that I didn't think I loved my son?

Infant school was difficult for him. I had his hearing tested which was fine. Finally, a year 3 teachers had a word with me. The teacher said for 6 weeks my son wouldn't sit on his spot on the carpet. SHe thought he was being naughty until she finally realised in her opinion, he didn't actually know where his spot on the carpet was! She referred me to the SENCO who assessed him to be above average in his reading and comprehension age and there was nothing they could do for him because he wasn't behind in his work!

I sent him to the speech therapist because they can assess his comprehension. Again he did well in this test. I decided to move schools because although the school was brilliant hollistically, it wasn't very disciplined and I thought my son would benefit from clear boundaries.

The move was ok in his first year there but they mixed the classes up the next year and instead of being with the kids he'd just made friends with, he had to then start all over again and this unsettled him and he was bullied. He was always in trouble from then on with missed homework and messing around in class. He left with decent stats though? We paid for Karate for him hoping to raise his self esteem and give him a goal but he gave up after a few months. He was an absolute natural at it and amazed the instructors with his speed and agility! . Again, he was unimpressed .

I knew starting Secondardy school would be difficult for him because in my eyes, he has some kind of special need although nobody has articulated/diagnosed this preferring to say he has attention problems. Special needs children have difficulty changing routine and classrooms and sure enough, he found this/finds this difficult.

My son is in Y10 now and he is constantly in lunch/after school detention, constantly late for school even though we live round the corner, has accrued nearly 12 weeks on report, doesn't wash and isn't bothered about how he looks. He forgets EVERYTHING. I am constantly picking up the pieces for him; liaising with teachers, sorting things out for him it goes on and on.

We argue about everything. I was saying to him the other day that I was going to buy him a coat HE needs and WANTS. He was arguing about this too!

There are arguments in our house all the time, it is never ending. I tell my son I love him every day not to make myself feel better but because I reflect on the arguments and the atmosphere and I cringe at the damage harsh words may have caused him. I just don't want him near me. See i've just typed this and it isn't strictly true. I do want him near me but as soon as the argument develops, I want him away from me. I've tried all the tricks; ignoring him doesn't help as he follows me. Also, I need to keep on to him with school work deadlines and these are MASSIVE conflict areas. School have told me they will expel him if it goes the way it did in Y9

I want him diagnosed as I truly believe he has special needs and I want proper help and guidance with him and a reason for all these years of nightmare and if not, well I am prepared to look at things in a different light?

Our relationship with our DD is fab.

ps. other bits and pieces:
When we are driving around our home town (quite small) in the car, he doesn't know where he is?
He sees things in a very black and white way, very fixed?

op is at work.Just spoke to her she will be back this evening.

Limara - have you looked at the National Autism website? They have some very good descriptions of the various AS disorders. We found a superb description of DD's behaviour there under PDA. She agrees with it, and has since been much calmer.

We too were very let down by Camhs, and by a paediatrician.

Aspergers was the first thing that popped up in my head too. My Dbro has
Aspergers, and two of my 4 dc are on the Autistic Spectrum. I would go to the GP and ask for your ds to be referred for ADOS testing. Take a copy of your OP on here, explaining all the issues your ds has had. And Aspergers was what jumped out at me, and I've only read the OP.

Thank you for all your really haelpful and supportive posts. I am in a rush so will read them later but a quick update.

I rang CAMHS this morning. The nurse said she was going to discharge DS on the basis my DH and DS on their last visit, seemed fine? Bearing in mind I'd sent her all of my correspondence from school and vice versa and she had the 'background' too. She said she was most surprised to receive (I haven't) correspondence from my GP or from the Paediatrician? regarding getting my DS checked for ADD! She was most put out and seemed really unfriendly. I don't want to deal with her again.

maryz i wouldnt wish it on my worst enemies.Ds1 is now 27 and can stick at a job for only short periods and smokes weed.I had so much trouble with him growing up,had i had help i do believe he would have been a differemt boy

OK - look at it as a bonus that you've been discharged by a nurse at CAMHS - she should never have been dealing with your DS in the first place as she can't provide a diagnosis.

And I still think you will get a more knowledgeable respose to the SN issues involved here if you asked for this thread to be moved to SN Children.

There is a huge amount of advice on this thread already from people with ASD children. I suggest that you have a good read a try to come up with a strategy that will moves things forward.

The good thing is that you are now free to return to your GP and demand a second opinion - which is your legal right - and for that opinion to be provided by someone who is competent in the diagnosis of ASD.

Accept no less - that would be my advice.

The teacher said for 6 weeks my son wouldn't sit on his spot on the carpet. SHe thought he was being naughty until she finally realised in her opinion, he didn't actually know where his spot on the carpet was!

When we are driving around our home town (quite small) in the car, he doesn't know where he is

DS was still struggling with his handwriting ... He's nearly 15

? Directional confusion and sequencing difficulties are common in dyslexia.

instead of being with the kids he'd just made friends with, he had to then start all over again and this unsettled him and he was bullied ... changing routine and classrooms and sure enough, he found this/finds this difficult.

He sees things in a very black and white way, very fixed

? Rigid thinking and fear of change are required symptoms of Asperger's.

The only trouble now is, he only wants money to 'do-up' the car. He won't spend it on anything else

? Obsessive interests are usual in autism; maths & mechanics are popular with Asperger's (it's nicknamed "the engineers' disease".)

I could never get any eye contact with him and could never connected with him. I remember pushing him in a swing around 18 months?, looking and smiling at him for some kind of reaction and getting noting back? Again sitting on a mat rolling a ball towards him and him totally ignoring me my facial expressions

My DS can't empathise.

? Lack of empathy or theory of mind are symptoms of quite a lot of things, but are the definition autism.

Although there are a mass of pointers to Asperger's, it surprises me that you haven't reached that conclusion yourself as you're experienced with Asperger's children. Your instincts don't seem to have told you it is. You're also describing some symptoms that aren't usual with Asperger's - the difficulty with recognising locations is a big one. It's unusual for dyslexics or autists to experience it to this degree.

This is why I feel it's unsafe to point yourselves towards that diagnosis before you've started with a fully competent professional. So I do want to encourage you to jump up and down screaming press for this.

Accidentally deleted my agreement with Maryz - if you think he has AS, treat him as though he has. If he doesn't it will do no harm, if he does then it will help.

Much good advice from maryz on this thead, I think.

You've had a lucky escape getting discharged from CAMHS. If as they don't know what they're doing to do, they'll start building a case against you, so it's good you got out now.

(I know I'm droning on about despicable, dangerous CAMHS' modus operandi but humour me eh )

Good luck with the GP, I hope you can things cracking quickly down a more constructive and effective route.

Fantastic advice from Maryz.

I have no experience of teenagers (apart from being one myself many some years ago) or of SN, but I just wanted to say that it seems really clear to me from your OP that you DO love your son very much, you are just bewildered and exhausted.

I'm so sorry that your family are going through this and I really hope you get the help you need for things to get better. I often read threads on MN about SN (I'd like to work with people with SEN in an educational setting, I think) and there is a real wealth of knowledge and kindness among the posters.

Good luck, I wish you and your family the very best :) x