I want my 14 ds to leave

[Limara]

Warning- VERY LONG

My relationship with my son is bad. To be honest, our relationship has never been good. I have never been able to meet him/click with him on any angle at all. My dh has a strained relationship with our son/his son. I use the word strained because it's a marginally better relationship because they are the same sex and they like cars.

From an early age, I suspected he had some kind of special need because I could never get any eye contact with him and could never connected with him. I remember pushing him in a swing around 18 months?, looking and smiling at him for some kind of reaction and getting noting back? Again sitting on a mat rolling a ball towards him and him totally ignoring me my facial expressions? In hindsight, he was unimpressed with most items/toys apart from Yugioh (he was obsessed). At this time, I felt I had no relationship/connection at all and I remember saying to my health visitor who was visiting me during an anti natal visit, that I didn't think I loved my son?

Infant school was difficult for him. I had his hearing tested which was fine. Finally, a year 3 teachers had a word with me. The teacher said for 6 weeks my son wouldn't sit on his spot on the carpet. SHe thought he was being naughty until she finally realised in her opinion, he didn't actually know where his spot on the carpet was! She referred me to the SENCO who assessed him to be above average in his reading and comprehension age and there was nothing they could do for him because he wasn't behind in his work!

I sent him to the speech therapist because they can assess his comprehension. Again he did well in this test. I decided to move schools because although the school was brilliant hollistically, it wasn't very disciplined and I thought my son would benefit from clear boundaries.

The move was ok in his first year there but they mixed the classes up the next year and instead of being with the kids he'd just made friends with, he had to then start all over again and this unsettled him and he was bullied. He was always in trouble from then on with missed homework and messing around in class. He left with decent stats though? We paid for Karate for him hoping to raise his self esteem and give him a goal but he gave up after a few months. He was an absolute natural at it and amazed the instructors with his speed and agility! . Again, he was unimpressed .

I knew starting Secondardy school would be difficult for him because in my eyes, he has some kind of special need although nobody has articulated/diagnosed this preferring to say he has attention problems. Special needs children have difficulty changing routine and classrooms and sure enough, he found this/finds this difficult.

My son is in Y10 now and he is constantly in lunch/after school detention, constantly late for school even though we live round the corner, has accrued nearly 12 weeks on report, doesn't wash and isn't bothered about how he looks. He forgets EVERYTHING. I am constantly picking up the pieces for him; liaising with teachers, sorting things out for him it goes on and on.

We argue about everything. I was saying to him the other day that I was going to buy him a coat HE needs and WANTS. He was arguing about this too!

There are arguments in our house all the time, it is never ending. I tell my son I love him every day not to make myself feel better but because I reflect on the arguments and the atmosphere and I cringe at the damage harsh words may have caused him. I just don't want him near me. See i've just typed this and it isn't strictly true. I do want him near me but as soon as the argument develops, I want him away from me. I've tried all the tricks; ignoring him doesn't help as he follows me. Also, I need to keep on to him with school work deadlines and these are MASSIVE conflict areas. School have told me they will expel him if it goes the way it did in Y9

I want him diagnosed as I truly believe he has special needs and I want proper help and guidance with him and a reason for all these years of nightmare and if not, well I am prepared to look at things in a different light?

Our relationship with our DD is fab.

ps. other bits and pieces:
When we are driving around our home town (quite small) in the car, he doesn't know where he is?
He sees things in a very black and white way, very fixed?

brianmayshair - I feel SO PANICKED now I am so upset. It is my worst nightmare he will be a dysfunctional adult and I don't know what to do. I always look for bonding experiences but he doesn't want to do them?

Don't panic, you are doing something you're talking about it, that's more than some people ever do.

Firstly try not to think to badly of him he is really just a child still who is probably quite confused and scared. All the bad behaviour is a cry for help.

To be quite fair Limara, when I was a teenager, doing 'bonding' experiences with my parents was not at the top of my agenda either.
I don't want to fall into pseudo selfhelp claptrap but a bit of acceptance that nothing is perfect and maybe speaking to somebody about this out loud might help you come to terms with it all.

You can't be doing THAT bad a job. He's alive and you clearly care for him otherwise you wouldn't have even had had the presence of mind to consider that what you are feeling isn't regular.

This is very sad reading this and reminds me of my brother and me (less so)

Basically my parents think my bro has aspergers and spent most of his childhood doing self diagnoses on him and discussing about how difficult he was to anyone who would listen (and me and in earshot of both of us) and would also openly say to both of us that he wished he'd never had us etc..

Yes my bro is majorly screwed up now and my dad maintains he always was. I don't think he was tbh and I think the way dad was to him caused this...

I'm not saying this is happening here at all, only that it is majorly stressful for a child when someone is continually finding/looking for stuff wrong with them and saying things like they wish they weren't around (or words to that effect)

You need to understand yourself first, not him. Once you see why you've behaved the way you have and feel the way you feel, you'll be able to understand what it's like for your son.

Do you see the connection between the way your dad treated you and the way you are reinflicting it on your son. And not only that you are recreating the way your dad treated you, except this time it's your son being put into your dad's unresponsive rejecting role?

You can find ways to deal with it, but the first thing is acknowledging that the problem doesn't lie in your son.

He will be ALOT worse off without his mum, and you need to get taht out of your head now. He can't deal with you rejecting him. He's only 14, ffs! What is he supposed to do with you saying'you'd be better off out of here'? Where do you think he's going to go?

I'm so sorry for you, and your son, and I don't mean to amke you feel bad, but you are sounding as though it is all about you and how this makes you feel. You HAVE to pull this back and reach out to your son, not push him further away.

Attachment therapy is very hard work. It is a total commitment similar to having a newborn. Whilst you are in therapy, you learn that every single thing you say and do can tip the balance, so a lapsed moment where you lose it and scream at him will set you back months of (very expensive) work.

You need to read some decent books and start a total review of how your family functions.

Secondly you're his mum and your job is to love him unconditionally, getting a diagnosis of anything won't change that. Try to think about what is lovely about him? Can you think of anything?

Go back to CAMHS and ask to be referred for family therapy. I think the dynamic may be the issue rather than 'him', IYSWIM? And what do you mean about wanting him to leave? Where do you expect him to go, exactly?

Attatment disorder is obviously a possibility but to be honest the initial post reads as Classic Aspergers and many CHAMS teams struggle to diagnose more subtle cases and resort to the classic ''parenting'' blame game.

I notice it to roxy but I would hope that nobody would really do that.

why love matters: how affection shapes a baby's brain is a very good book, explaining attachment and why it matters.

What were things like for you when your ds was born? What were the circumstances surrounding his conception and birth, both for him and for you? What about afterwards? Did you get enough support? How did it feel to become a mum?

well it sounds as thought you have done bloody loads, to try and get answers, info or help op.

At least you know something hasn't been right, you are trying, you havent given up yet, and no, like someone else just said, not everyone is perfect or has perfect relationships.

I can tell you are at your wits end. I expect he is at an age where no teen wants to bothered or interested, please don't think that 'bit' is just your son.
You have concerns, you need to go to look into the suggestions. SN board seems like a bloody good place to begin.
Noone here can diagnose him op.

You've taken another step by posting here, desp for help, and i hope you can remain strong and get that help for yourself and your ds.

I can't stand Lionel Shriver so I haven't read her book.

Problems with attachment happen to lots of children, so even if this isn't real, it's not wrong to address it. I'd rather give advice and assume sincerity than worry about trolls.

Or as the op said raspberry she has worked with SN and is trying to make his behaviour fit to find answer to why she feels this way. op mentions stating she didn't think she loved him at a post natal visit. Ime this is way too there to have been anything in his behaviour causing her feelings.

This is like the billybobsomething thread the other night, but that OP said her son was 10, and gave no details. Benefit of the doubt and all that. I don't know what else anyone can say except to keep pressing for professional help if this is genuine.

AS jumps out at me too... check in on the SN board. There IS help out there but fighting for it is a hideous task.. :(

However the alternative..well there really isn't one. I completely understand the feeling that maybe he would be better 'somewhere else' but it won't happen. It really won't.. unless you are thinking of a relative maybe. Social services can't place teens in dire straights as there aren't enough foster families/care places to go around.. they really won't help a child who has a decent family.

Please seek help for yourself op, just so that you can cope with the difficulties your DS is throwing at you. Only those who have experienced the hell that is the REALLY difficult child/teen knows that it's not as simple as 'just loving' him.

You need..and deserve, support...

Maryz and piratecat thank you. Tonight has been crap. If I'm honest, I am really hard on myself because my relationship with my dd is closer and I want that for my son and me.

I've just been chatting to ds upstairs and we've had a long chat. He said he knows i say things when I'm angry and he doesn't take any notice. Admittedly, they are never normally along the lines of ''I want you to leave'' but I did/do get melodramatic sometimes and he said he recognises this and doesn't take any notice. It's not right, but....... Anyway, we've had hugs and he said he's a boy and doesn't want to hug. He said he knows I've been trying to help him sort stuff out tonight but he can't be bothered.

Everything I've posted is true. I am not a troll. I feel really pissed at this accusation because I have felt broken tonight. Unbelievable behaviour. And I'm supposed to be the one with a lack of empathy or what have you?

Some people have linked my behaviour to my relationship with my father, yeah true.

I am desperate to find out if he has sn that's it really. This may be why we speak a different language.

''For what it's worth, AS jumps out at me from her posts. And for anyone who hasn't dealt with a child with AS, it can be difficult to understand just how it wears you down, and destroys your ability to parent effectively.

It is true that sometimes "bad parents" cause children to have problems. But the converse is also true - children with problems can destroy their parents .''

Maryz - aint that the truth !

I think it is still worth talking to CAMHS again about help for the whole family- good luck.

It is true that sometimes "bad parents" cause children to have problems. But the converse is also true - children with problems can destroy their parents .''

So true!

I've been on a Child Protection Course and we covered emotional abuse so I do know what it means/covers that's why initially, I wanted him to go figuring I am the problem you know? I don't want my DS to leave, I am mortified we haven't got a close bond either made worse by SN or just haven't got a bond.

If he has AS then being honest and logical are good. Does he have any particular interests, academic or otherwise?

He loves tinkering with cars so dh bought a second hand car. He absolutely loves finding out about the different parts they need to find and buy. The only trouble now is, he only wants money to 'do-up' the car. He won't spend it on anything else even though he won't be able to drive it. The argument tonight was centred around DS finding a work experience in a body shop/type place and making contact with them.

Does he like talking about the car and the different parts and stuff? (Possibly ad infinitem if he does have AS?) If so, perhaps just listen to him and ask technical questions? You may not be actually interested in cars, but you can be interested in his interest, IYSWIM?