Support for those in abusive relationships - thread 6

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

Welcome!

This is the latest instalment in a series of threads for those who are in abusive relationships, those who have left abusive relationships, and those gearing to leave.

Come vent, share, give and receive support.

The first question you may be asking yourself as a new visitor to this thread is:

Am I being abused?
Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Financial abuse Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books
"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites
So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.

FOTH your post about doing your reading made my day :)

Pixie it must be your anniversary today - I hope you're doing ok. I know it can be a bit of a sad day, mourning the lack of what should have been (if he'd been the person he pretended to be until you were married). And feeling sorry for the younger you who walked into that marriage so full of hope. But I am for you for standing up to him. Go Pixie!

Hissy How's your Freedom Programme going? Mine is almost finished (God I'll miss it) and I've been asked to do some talks about it to referrers (HVs, social workers etc.). I'm so pleased to be able to help and I'm putting more work into this than any presentation I ever did at work. It's only short and has just to cover how it's benefited me. When it's done would you mind having a look to see what you think? I really want to get it right.

Hi ladies...2 steps forward one back for me.

Made the mistake of treating OH as a human being rather than entitled Twat... give an inch they take a mile!

DD1 has had to miss several nice social things due to having to see Twat. on Fri/Sat. There is a school disco on Friday and a party before: she really wanted to go (other 2 not so bothered but would enjoy it if went) so i suggest to twat that he either swaps Friday for Thursday or has children for whole day on Saturday (unlikely...football on) or just sees youngest 3 on Friday. Quite clear and quite fair i thought. N'est ce pas??

he told me he had emailed reply, then said "oh I might have left the recipient box blank"...OH does not like outright lies, can anyone spot what he has done?????? So he gets to discuss with me in front of the children what's happening. They obviously choose swimming over the disco (except DD1) (I was going to redistribute swimming to the school hols)..so twat got Thursday as agreed with me, Friday, because he's an entitled twat, and then managed to swap Saturday (football on) for Sunday lunch. Don't ask me how!

I am now scrabbling around to regain a bit of Thursday just so i can get homework done before he comes as won't be able to do on fri/sun.

Someone grow me a backbone please.

You have to admire the efficacy of the manipulation....... A*** all the way. if only he could put his mind to work on something useful!

I don't know of an email system that wouldn't alert you!

It is impressive, can you remember any of the things he said, verbatim?

fool the thing is you have seen what is happening no. That gives you enormous power......
Yes I'd give him an A* too

Can I pop in for a ?

I started this thread in Relationships the other day and my head is spinning from the realisation that what I'm experiencing is real, not imagined, not OK and has to stop.

I could do with a chat.

Hey whitelight welcome aboard. We keep each other sane here and although sorry that you find yourself here I'm also really glad that you have been brave enough to come here.
I'm stick in with sick kids and here to chat. Let it all out. xx

apparently my uber twat put the child lock on the tv to 'make a point'. Yeah make the point that you are a nob. Ain't no one controlling me but me now.

Whitelight - do you feel more like you are living with a strict father than a husband?

Hi Whitelight, I'm always up for a cuppa.

But have just seen sol, sworn affadavit, and spoken to financial adviser, so now I need a kip.

It wasn't that long ago that I regularly used to go on laterroom.com and look for a couple of days away, but just couldn't summon the decision making to make a booking. If I couldn't do that then how could I possibly handle a split?

But you know what, I can and am handling it.

ha ha bellsring I sometimes say that to him!

I do feel depressed by all this though. I do think his 'jokes' and digs at me have contributed to the anxiety and depression I've experienced. I want to get stronger and call him on it.

If you've read my thread you'll see I've got issues around finances and discussing money. This is a really big thing for me so would appreciate some support to help me overcome it.

Whitelight - I can guarantee that your depressed mood is a reaction to the environment he chooses to create around you.

The reason I mention about the strict father routine is you are with someone like that you are on the receiving end of crticisms, 'finger wagging' metaphorically-speaking, disapproval at breaking his 'standards', being talked to like you are the child and he is the dominant, superior parent.

And, if you're a SAHM, then that really is his 'ace' card.

Hi WL good to see you here.

TGTF, sorry, RL got in the way... The FP for me too is about to draw to a close.

I think it's really good, but not the magic wand I thought it would be. I'm able to talk about my feelings now, I couldn't then. I could write them here, but not actually speak them without dissolving into tears. I see a big improvement.

I will go back on the course again in the NY though. Meantime therapy is good.

Oh, almost forgot: The WA worker at the FP imparted some info WRT the mediation bollocks that courts sometimes demand of splitting couples.

I wrote it on the Abusive Relationships thread, so will C&P it here:

I'll C&P this into the EA thread actually, but I was recently told this by a WA area coordinator.

Mediation can be refused in abusive situations. 1st session, you go, you tell them that you are being abused, threatened, manipulated and that the process will make you more fearful of him than less. Lay it on THICK if you have to. The notes will go to the court, the court will allow you to discontinue.

You HAVE to refuse counselling/mediation in abuse situations, it makes things WORSE, as he will attempt to recruit the counsellor to gang up against you, and to inflict more damage.

Hello
Whitelights I have read your thread and just want to give you some support. I don't come in here very often as I can see myself reflected and I am currently to weak to do anything about it all.
You can be strong and you will be.

I am popping back in again to see if I am being unreasonable.
A few weeks ago I asked DH if he had made any plans for our wedding ani. He shrugged his shoulders and pretty much said that he wasn't bothered. So I then said well in that case I have been invited out but wanted to check that no plans had been made. I am off out and DH has tonight got all shirty about me going out. Apparently he didn't say anything at all but just said if I wanted to go out then it was up to me! Bollocks. This was after he told me my hair looked like a mop. I do have frizzy hair if I don't straighten it but even so.

He has made me angry again. I mostly don't care but sometime he really gets me.

Hi ronshar you are a new one on me :). I have only recently come to the point of being able to do something, after several decades of trying to make things work, and thinking it was all down to my mh.

What did he say when? Your post is not quite clear. Although it is clear that he tried to undermine your confidence as you were about to go out.

Did you mean that he thinks he said if you wanted to do something for your anni, you should have arranged it? Every time I've said I wanted to go out more over the years, stbx has said "well, you arrange it then." Or I have suggested things and he's said 'dunno'. Or said he would go to a dinner with the group I attend, waited till I'd confirmed to the arranger that we would both attend, and then realised there was a poetry meeting on that day and went to that instead, which I thought downright rude, not only to me but to the arranger.

Sorry I was rambling.
I had checked with dh if he wanted to do something for our anni. He said he wasn't bothered. So I then told him that if we had no plans then I was going out with some friends.
He has this evening tried to tell me that the conversation was something different entirely.

I gathered that much, and the first sentence of my last para was a guess at what he said tonight about the previous conversation.

Being able to write that sentence I've just written, and the one to which it refers, shows me that I am quite good at convoluted thinking! I wonder why .

Hope you had a nice time, anyway.

The soap opera continues...summary:

people helping with private written agreement for contact and financial stuff have pulled out.
OH has been told by brother(his) that he has to "stop feeling sorry for himself and take the advice he is being given...or get out of house"
OH has been upping the emotional blackmail on children to get them to make me take him back .
School have said all kids are doing much better since he's out of house.
I, sadly am getting to the end of reserves of energy and now have to return to drawing board to get anything agreed.

and my mum is in hospital following chemo with an infection

Would it be easier to just serve him some papers and divorce him??????

Aargh, finances. Need a value for the house, rest in share portfolio, so value is going up and down like a yo-yo. Thought I knew what I wanted, now having a bit of a wobbly day. Still, can talk it over with a friend at lunch.

Do you want to divorce him, fool?

Hi I'm new....and have been building up the courage to write asking for support.

I have been married for 18 years and have just plucked up the nerve to divorce him. We have our first mediation session today and I am now losing my confidence. He refuses to leave the house and the thought of us both coming back to the house later on scares me.

He is a depressive and has been all our married life. He has left the house on many occasions threatening suicide when he has conflicts with friends/employers/me - I ring the police, he gets sectioned and comes home within 24 hours.

He does very little in the house or with the children - I have done everything. He uses emotional blackmail to get what he wants from me or the children. He blames his depression on his behaviour. He has never hit me but has made threats "the urge to drown you in the bath was so strong" etc. He is extremely intimidating and menacing when angry.

I am going to ask for sole residence - he is expecting me to share residency. I don't want to (too scared to) confront him about his abusive behaviour in the mediation. Should I? I am thinking of saying I am the best parent as he has depression.

hi Oak, welcome,
this is a bit short as have to post and run....

can the mediators see you separately then you can be as open an hones with them as possible?? It seems that even without the abusive behaviour he might be someone they would want to consider careful handling and with the abuse doubly so. yes you should definitely go with sole res. he is manipulative on top of having depression and possibly actually ill enough to act out his Suicide threats...so protect yourself and any DCs as much as you can. Keep posting...we're here for you, you are being very brave. Your name says it all...stand firm through thick and thin...the mighty oak doesn't give in!

nose not unless it makes it easier to be apart, don't need to end it for me I am way too damaged to go to another relationship for a long time so had thought just to sort out contact and finances and be separate, this is enough for me...but would it be easier to just let the lawyers sort it?????

PS of course you are the "better parent" hid depression and his manipulation should leave that in no doubt. Make sure you take as much evidence of his serious mental health issues eg discharge summaries etc. from sectioning/police involvement as you can with you today.

Nothing speaks like a piece of paper!!!!

I ended up ringing the mediator before the meeting to advise him that I was receiving counselling for emotional abuse by husband and that I might not be able to negotiate as well as I would like. The mediator left the decision to me whether I should go or not. I went.

Husband had his strategy well planned out, any reference towards his mental health was downplayed (as expected) and he pulled a surprise on me regarding the family home saying had a friend who would pay me £40,000 to buy out my share. Of course on the spot I said I would consider the offer but how am I supposed to buy another property for me and the kids on that amount? Husband had properties that I could buy 50% share and pay rent to prove it was possible. These properties were further away from school, in bad areas. Husband argued that his investor friend was concerned for husband's health if he left family home!!! The mortgage on the house is due to end soon also so husband would have that advantage.

I feel more like a weeping willow tree at the moment. His controlling, manipulative behaviour over these years towards me and the children is only evidenced by my talking to my counsellor, who identified that his behaviour was not normal and I have spoken to the Zero centre. Evidence on husband's mental health would come from his Psychiatriast. Is this enough evidence. 9 year son is also talking to a counsellor at school once a week, but again its heresay! What other evidence can I get of his unreasonable behaviour.

Thanks so much for all your support.

Oaktree - if you divorce are you not entitled to at least 50% of the properties, including the other properties you mention? are you seeing a solicitor as well?
As far as I know mediation is not admissible in court - ie agreements made there are not set in stone. Its to help work things out, but if you have already stated that you feel intimidated by him, then I think you have fair grounds to say that you werecaught on the hop, and you need to take advice. i would be wary of making any decision without sound advice - dont let him pressurise you into it.
Also i thought that usually that it is preferable for you to stay in the family home if possible. If his mental state is so fragile that moving will cause him so much stress that his life is in danger, then he is hardly a responsible person to share residency. you are free at any time to say that you do not feel mediation is going to work for you, and move on to get solicitors/court to make what they consider a fair decision.