"You're no fun anymore" and other comments...

[WhiteLight]

DH is a good man, he's kind, works hard, I'm the envy of my friends. I have however suffered PND, depression and anxiety. I've contemplated terrible things. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells, waiting for the next comment about how untidy the house is, the state of the car, etc. He says I can't take a joke and I'm no fun, that I should have a laugh more. I'm no fun because I don't like being tickled etc. We have no social life and not much of a sex life either right now.

I worry about money as I'm a SAHM, but we don't really share or discuss our finances.

This should probably be AIBU, but part of me feels he's right and I should make more of an effort and the other part of me feels like someone has to be the grown up round here. Which is it?

[buzzswellington]

Tickling is only fun for the tickler. It can often be quite uncomfortable/irritating for the ticklee.

If he makes lots of critical comments, then he's not a lot of fun himself. It's not funny to criticise someone all the time. Ha bloody ha.

[RetroMuff]

I clicked on your thread because my ex used to say the exact same thing to me when I was feeling down - insensitive prick.

You don't like being tickled? Tickling is borderline abuse imo - I hated it as a child. My friend's dad did it to me every time I saw him and I knew he was being cruel even then.

[ArtVandelay]

He tickles you? When you don't like it? What a tit :(

A joke is only a joke when everyone laughs - he just sounds like he's having a dig at you all the time. Its very passive aggressive and I'm not surprised you feel down.

WRT the finances, make yourself a big excel spreadsheet and fill in every penny everyone in the family spends every day for a month. You'll also need his bank statements for this. At the end of the month have a discussion about where you can make savings on bills etc. What you should be putting money aside for etc. Just because you aren't 'making' the money doesn't mean you can't know exactly whats going on and participate in creating more money and security for the family. More knowledge will help you with your anxiety (I understand - money freaks me right out sometimes!) and if you look at sites like Moneysavingexpert you can find out user-friendly finance tips. I also enjoy Ebay selling because you can make a bit of money and clear out things you don't want anymore.

Hope that helps a bit.

[items]

I think we have to be careful not to be so critical. Straight away we jump to the geez how terrible he is. Instead you probably aren't as fun as you were or need to lighten up but as you have said, you are going through alot right now. Have you shared with him how you are feeling really down? Many guys don't recognize how we are feeling and yep we say, they should know, but that is not chemically how their good ol brains work.
Part of you does feel he is right and whilst our guys can be bloody insensitive, its just that they state logic rather than emotion. What do you feel you can do to make yourself feel better? I wouldn't worry so much about him and focus on yourself. When you focus on yourself, you will start to feel better and that will of course lead him to feeling you are back to yourself again.

[purplepidjin]

"I feel like I'm walking on eggshells, waiting for the next comment about how untidy the house is, the state of the car, etc."

If this is how he "supports" you through your MH issues, I'm not bloody surprised you're "no fun"!

It sounds from your OP like he's turning your negative reactions into the root cause when really, he's causing them.

I also hate to be tickled. Your H should respect that you don't like it, even if he doesn't necessarily agree.

[WhiteLight]

Thanks for your responses.

Passive agressive describes him perfectly. He makes comments and then tells me I take them the wrong way and it's only a joke and I need to lighten up.

I do take things personally, always have done, but he knows this. How do I toughen up and lighten up? Should I just let these things wash over me?

[LesserOfTwoWeevils]

"How do I toughen up and lighten up? Should I just let these things wash over me?"
Don't.
And no.
Everyone has just pointed out that the problem is him, not you!
Tell him to stop criticising you. Tell him his jokes aren't funny. Tell him to stop tickling you because you don't like it.
If you're a SAHM and the two of you "don't really share" your finances. then what do you live on?

[purplepidjin]

Are his comments contributing to your depression? I seriously doubt they're doing your self-esteem any good.

He already knows that you sometimes take things too personally. What do you think the outcome of you telling him to stop making those comments is? Because they don't sound like the things a good, kind man would say!

I've had XP's who have blamed my negative reactions on being over-sensitive, it's just a joke, where's my sense of humour. It wasn't til I met current P that, actually, I'm not sensitive. Constant put downs make people that way.

[OnlyForMe]

Yep I've had similar comments about remarks being a joke when I pointed out that he wasn't on. Passive aggressive too.....

Not sure what the answer is apart from the fact that if he is making comments such that you are walking on egg shell then he is the one in the wrong.

Saying that it is possible that your MH stop you from taking that little bit of distance that make things easier
or your MH problems are exarbated (sp??) by his commenst and attitude.

I would recommend going to see a counsellor and trying to live your life as if you were totally independant (or as independant as you can be). ie taking responsabiity in the finances so that you know what is going on at the very least. Having a life of your own, a cercle of friends you can ring, interest etc... It will help with building your self esteem, your MH issues and seeing with greater clarity where the problem lies.

HTH.

[WhiteLight]

I'm going to sleep on your comments and will post tomorrow (when he's at work and I've got more time to think). Thank you.

[rightchoice]

If he wants to be judge and jury on the housework front and on how tidy/spotless the car is etc, then it might be a good idea for him to step into your shoes for a week or so. I wonder if he could keep on top of everything if roles were reversed, if it is that easy he could lend a hand, especially if he thinks that once the house it tiday it just stays that way. He is not your employer for goodness sake. What gives him the right to judge how much effort you have put in, or not as the case might be. I cannot imagine anything more irritating. Should you toughen up, frankly you shouldn't have to he needs to button up instead! Next time maybe hand him the duster when he says the house is messy, don't forget to point out what he hasn't done well too, see how he likes it, it will be a test of his humour!!!

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"DH is a good man, he's kind, works hard, I'm the envy of my friends."
He sounds rather UNKIND to me; tickling you when he knows you dislike it, making comments that upset you and getting snotty at your distress. (IMHO, it is very rare for comments to be taken the wrong way between partners - they are almost exclusively taken the way they are meant.)

[AnyFucker]

He is not a good man

He is not kind

I, by no stretch of my imagination, envy you

When you accept that, perhaps you can start thinking about what kind of man you are really married to

And you will stop attempting to find some way you can "live with it"

My advice would be that you don't have to live with it

[jasper]

OP did NOT say her husband tickles her when he knows she hates it.

She said he criticises her for not liking being tickled. (which is a daft thing to criticise her for , but does not make him a monster)

[ThereGoesTheFear]

It's not you it's him.

Making "jokes" that make you feel crap about yourself is horrible.
If he is tickling you when he knows you don't like it he is overstepping your boundaries and is cruel.
Bitching that the house/car is untidy to the extent that you're walking on eggshells is a very bad sign.

And what's the deal with your finances if he doesn't share and you're a SAHP? How does that work?

I'd bet you would "lighten up" considerably without him bringing you down.

[Dingdongmessily]

You know sometimes it's not the mans fault.

He sounds alright to me, I think the OP is understandably,due to her mental health problems, sensitive.

[AnyFucker]

Yes, ding this man should carry on making Op feel like shit

after all, it's her fault she has MH issues

good one

[Dingdongmessily]

Where did I say it was her fault?

I've had mental health problems and every comment made to me was analysed, dissected and taken personally.

[superdragonmama]

Oh, my exH was a fan of tickling, and practical jokes. I hated it

Sounds like your DH is being unkind, and whether this is intentional or not, he's still being unkind, and that's going to distress you. I feel it's important that you realise that his actions and comments are having a very negative effect on you, maybe more of an effect than you realise, and that this may be a significant part of your emotional problems.

I speak as someone who also suffers with depression and anxiety. Maybe because of my emotional problems I was less able than others to cope with exH's sense of humour, and comments about untidy house, etc, but since separation my depression simply hasn't been as bad - I'm not trying to underplay your depression, but please don't you underestimate the negative effect of your DH's behaviour and comments. Your depression could be as much him as you, or even more him than you. Hope this makes sense.

Can you talk to him? Tell him clearly how negative the impact of his 'jokes' is? Will he listen? Go to Relate?

Re money issues: I love moneysavingexpert - very informative - and budgetting with computer spreadsheets. Used to be hopeless with money, but am now a thrift expert and love it

Social life: are you in a position to go out on your own, even if DH doesn't want to? Was in similar position myself with exH, and went to lots of very jolly evening classes which kept me happy and sane. Surprising what a bit of sewing/painting/exercise will do to lift your mood!

[AnyFucker]

you said it wasn't his fault

you didn't say it was no-ones fault

there are 2 people in this relationship

ergo...it is her fault

yes ?

does your post say something different...I don't think so

you see, if you think it is ok for him to make her feel worse than she already does, I have a problem with that...don't you ?

[AnyFucker]

last post to ding

I do agree with super though, many women's MH issues would ease if they got rid of the half-wits they were living with

[Dingdongmessily]

I don't think always someone has to be at fault.

And possibly in this case no one is at fault.

[superdragonmama]

anyfucker you put what I am trying to say politely so much more succinctly

[AnyFucker]

Persoanally, I would prefer to offer the OP some support

Fence sitting is not always a neutral standpoint

[Heleninahandcart]

This man has no right to say and do these things that undermine your confidence and then tell you you're no fun. OP you're not laughing because it's not funny.

Agree totally with Super and AF

many women's MH issues would ease if they got rid of the half-wits they were living with