Support for those in abusive relationships - thread 6

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

Welcome!

This is the latest instalment in a series of threads for those who are in abusive relationships, those who have left abusive relationships, and those gearing to leave.

Come vent, share, give and receive support.

The first question you may be asking yourself as a new visitor to this thread is:

Am I being abused?
Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Financial abuse Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books
"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites
So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.

Yes the years and years I have spent being pummelled by MY response to how he treated me and the children. Just beginning to realise how much I have internalised HIS view of me (nasty, controlling, arrogant, thoughtless.....) and how unsure I am of who I really am.

Distance is a wonderful thing, I don't know how you ladies with the OH still in the house manage. My NSDH skyped the children unexpectedly last night, and I could not cope with the intrusion in an unprepared state, and it TOTALLY mucked up what had been a nice relaxed bed time....AAAAArgh, I am so weak...and I didn't even have to interact with him.

NSDH (not so dear husband....prefer FWH but can't quite bring myself to use it )

Still confused about the abuse and HOW did I not see it, what mother in her right mind watches and tries to band-aid the damage done to the DCs by the abuse....why could i only see it when a DOG got hurt???????? Thanks to the "doghouse" on MN I ended up here...phew

That's interesting foolonthehill, because the first time it really dawned on me that ex was a nasty man was the way he treated our new kitten.

I felt a bit silly that I'd consider divorcing my husband over a cat, but I suppose what it did was to show that his behaviour was not elicited by me, but how he was.

My head filled with what we hear about serial killers, about how they start by harming animals.

...perhaps it's because the animals so obviously can't have provoked the behaviour?????

Double sad 'cos DCs and I really really want a dog again...but I can't quite bring myself to commit...why....because of the reaction it might provoke.....[grrrrrrrrrr].

look he's still controlling me

FWH is actually very nice to everybody - animals included - except me :(
Having a bad moment. FWH was reading an article about domestic violence which reported that the numbers of women trying to leave abusive relationships, killed by their partners was dramatically high and increasing. So FWH (jokingly, of course) threatened to kill me because I am planning to leave. This is the second time he has done this. He then left for work.
He then comes home from work with a whole list of long phone calls he has made about important changes he wants to make at work and goes on about what a good network of other professionals he has to work with.
I DID NOT ENGAGE - feeling proud, but very sad. At this point the end cannot come soon enough

Meant to add, Fool dogs (and cats) are so infinitely better than men that you should not hesitate :)

Fool re the skype thing, it is not weakness on your part. These arses are such that I think we try to 'manage' their effect on dc's...we should not have to do this, but unfortunately it is necessary, as we seem to look after the dc's emotional well-being in a way which these Menz cannot/will not. You are presumably just looking out for the dc, no? It is exhausting trying to anticipate what they will do, how they will do it, and likely consequences...that's why I became a Lion, from the protecting my young like a lion thing. That and the fact that arse husband had been stalking me online...

Grrrrr (trying out my lion credentials!!) Thanks for thatParsley...you are right, it's a protection thing.
Interesting that we have had a rubbish day, everyone at each others throats, then after tea...they asked to skype daddy again....grrrrr, me thinks they are testing me. Do you think the last few years has left them as adrenaline junkies, perhaps they are missing the drama?? Perhaps testing mama???

Maybe they just test to reassure that ONE parent (ie you) is more consistent in behaviour/love towards them. My dd was v confused, but has benefited enormously from counselling at school. And btw, I see the noise as less Grrr,more ROOOOAAAAARRRRRRRR....

IWBF - I have read your posts with interest as my Dsis is in a similar position to you - she has just re-united with her partner after them splitting due to EA/his behaviour. Here are my opinions (if you want them )

I went through my big things (emotional side, relationship with the kids) he told me his issues (wants more time for us, wants to come in from work and not have people here - he means my friends and family) - why? are your family that bad? are they horrible to him? are they at yours all the time? - or does he just want to alienate you from them so he can have more control?

1. Am I totally deluding myself that this man I have here now can stay like this? Yes - nobody can change there whole personality - parts of it, yes, but you cant change who you essentially are. I would love (in my DSis case also) to be wrong on this but thats what I believe.

2. Because I like to think methodically, at the moment I think we have about a 70% - 30% against, chance of this working, is 30% large enough odds to take the risk. (I would be interested in your odds based on experience/knowledge) I dont look at it like that - i think it will work while he tries IYSWIM - but as mentioned above you cant change EVERYTHING and cracks will begin to show - may be in 12 months, 18 months or more but they will appear (IMO)

3. In the Lundy book it mentions listening to family members - all my family think he wont/cant change, although they have been supportive of me, they have made it clear what they think about him,can they all be wrong? - No

4. Do you think this is the hoover manourvre (sp)? If so when will I know as I have never seen this level of aparant change - I don't know what this is so can't comment

5. Should I still have a plan in my head incase it goes tits up or will this subconsciously give me a negative outlook and it will fail anyway? - Hmmm.. I want to say yes (cos I want my DSis to have one) BUT if you are serious about trying then you cant because you will be analysing every minute you spend together. However, I would have a 'line' that if crossed it would be the complete end (e.g. unreasonable behaviour to any DC's etc)

I think the family comments he has made to you ring warning bells to me - probably because of the situation I am in with my Dsis - she announced that as he has compromised/changed on so many points, she was prepared to reduce the time spent with her friends and family - it felt like a kick in the face for me to be honest because it was mainly aimed at me & that he had manipulated her quite cleverly. That said - its not about me and if thats what she needs to do to make a go of it then so be it. I will (and do) support her completely.

Sorry if i've banged on about my DSIS a lot - please DO NOT alienate yourself from friends and family & i wish you the very best of luck. I will watch this thread closely so please keep posting! x

Hi

Can I post here?
I was in an abusive relationship for 6 months from April - Oct 2011.
From 5months pregnant until dd2 was 10 weeks.

Only now It feels like I've been hit by a ton of bricks now. Has anyone else experienced this?

Fear Guilt Shame.

Hello bobits and welcome. Well done for getting out. I expect you've been too busy up to now to fully realise what happened.

Thanks :)
I knew it was all wrong.
I was afraid of what I was seeing.
I felt guilt for letting it happen.
I was so ashamed for being there. :(

Hey, you were only in it for a few months; some of us (who didn't think we were stupid) stuck it for 20 or 30 years. You should congratulate yourself.

Hi darth love the name

Thankyou for your reply - it really has made me think.

No my family are not that bad - in fact they are lovely and I would not swap them for anything. The comprimise I made at the time about seeing my friends and family was suggested by him - but I should have looked at it from his eyes - another way of controlling me - and as long as I am doing what he wants he is nice, god I'm so thick sometimes....

I am going to still have a plan in my head for really what still feels like the inevitable.

I was reading the Lundy book in bed last night - and he said with surprise in is voice -" is that book supposed to be about me?" no - I nearly said, its about the dog I still think he believes he is not the one with a problem!

I am sorry about your sisters situation and hope she finds the strength to sort it out, I too have sisters and am going to tell them from now on they can come round whenever the bloody hell they want (I am missing my nephew too).

Ridiculous time to post - its not to early for a cig is it?

Thanks again darth I will keep posting

I still think he believes he is not the one with a problem!

That is always the problem, isn't it?

Some time after the first time I was attacked by OH (he pushed my face on the floor) there was something on tv about DV and his reaction was of nothing to do with him. I did point out that he had behaved like that and he said nothing.

After separating, on a visit to DS, he said that he had gone for counselling and that the woman had said that he should not have done what he had done.
I was well past caring, so I just asked him if he needed somebody else to tell him that.
I mean, he didn't even apologise then.

it's never their problem....that's the problem!!!!!

IWBF I am stunned you sat reading Lundy in bed next to your H! I hid all the books I bought obsessively from FWH and when he discovered which ones I was reading (by stalking me on MN) he would order them to discover what I had been learning. He was particularly angry about Too Bad to Stay Too Good to Leave or whatever it is called.
I realise that although he was never physically violent he menaced me a lot and I was (and still am) afraid of his displeasure.

Incidentally the bit in the Too Bad to Stay book that clinched it for me was "Do you ever had fun together?" Like that would ever happen!!

I think the book thing just reveals how different abusers are...mine was so self absorbed/confident in his twatdom (and lazy) that it would not have occurred to him to notice something that little-ole-me was reading. In fact this laziness has been a great boon in our post separation state. I can see that more actively entitled and controlling men would use the very books to assert themselves even more

AND THE AWARD GOES TO..................HISSY, FOR HER SPOT ON ANALYSIS OF THE ELAPSED TIME TAKEN FOR A SELF REFORMED TWAT TO RETURN TO HIS DEFAULT TWATISH STATE

Well, give him his due he's trying a bit. I get a kiss when I come in from work. The odd hug. Hes not said one cross word to the kids which I am relieved about, they are quite happy at the moment. He has not complained about the house being untidy once and has been doing his bit with the cleaning/cooking. You know theres a but coming....

but

little things are starting to slip in.
"I was going to give you a kiss and a cuddle but you've just been out for a cig and you smell so i'm not now"

I went to get a cigarette last night and he had taken them all out of the box and hidden them.

He started trying to have intimacy this morning - I was asleep - he woke me up by poking his mars bar in my back - he said are you tired? I said yes, but didnt leave me alone, I gave in (I know, I know) no need to comment on this bit I know what I should have done.

He is keeping a male friendship secret from me (I have been snooping) so dont really know what to make of that

lueji, little and fool once over I wouldnt have dared read the book in front of him, but I am stronger now and have been leaving it laying around in the hope he might read some of it! But if he really thought it was about him he would probably protest but he honestly doesnt!! becuase he's perfect

Have a good day

love IWBF

Speech hissy, speech!!

On a more serious note, I read your thread last night bobits and was No wonder you are being hit like a ton of bricks - it sounds like you had to go into survival mode without realising it, switching off a bit for the sake of you and DC, though managing to get out eventually. Now you are in a better place, it's safe for this stuff to come out and be processed.

but the thread is going to end..............................