Support for those in abusive relationships - thread 6

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

Welcome!

This is the latest instalment in a series of threads for those who are in abusive relationships, those who have left abusive relationships, and those gearing to leave.

Come vent, share, give and receive support.

The first question you may be asking yourself as a new visitor to this thread is:

Am I being abused?
Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Financial abuse Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books
"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites
So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.

DON'T go to mediation! it's a way they use to beat you up more. You can and should stop.

Don't engage with him at all, get him to talk to your solicitor and agree things with him/her.

Don't accept any financial settlement like that, get proper entitlement advice. You are entitled to half of the equity as a starting point. Your DC need consistency, any DECENT parent would move heaven and earth NOT to uproot them. Throw THAT back at him and tell his 'investor friend' to go fuck themselves.

Stay calm, don't rise to his games, that's why he's doing this. refuse to play. it'll fuck him up completely!

You CAN handle this. You ARE HANDLING THIS! We are all here behind you love.

oh and what NettleTea said...

NettleTea - the house is not worth that much as there is so much to do on it. He never lifted a finger in the house - either I did the work/organised tradesmen to do it or it didn't get done. Since I came out of work to look after the DCs and he couldn't hold a job down there's little money/assets to share now. So he is after all he can get - including the DCs. I have a solicitor who knows about the threats and emotional abuse but still advised me to try mediation. Well I've tried it once and will definitely not be going back. I will see the Solicitor on Monday to start to see what evidence I need to prove his controlling/intimidating behaviour and to get the courts to decide our fate... thank you for the support, its good to know I am not alone.

HoudiniHissy - I am drawing on all my strength at the moment not to get too entangled in his constant nitpicking at home. It is so hard though - we are all following his regime at the moment - he has never done a thing for the DCs before but since the announcement of the divorce a few weeks back he has taken over the care of the children on Mondays, Wednesday, Fridays and Sundays, I have to stay in my bedroom until 8.30 am so as not to "distract" the DCs to come to me!!

He has pulled me up on cleaning the toilet everyday and washing the aundry as he needs to save money.

But the worst is the emotional abuse of the DCs - they want to be with me on "Daddy care" days but he says to them "ahhh Daddy feels sad" or "no I won't play with you I don't won't to be second choice to your Mummy"! What a prick. He often cries in front of the DCs and the blame on Mummy asking for a divorce is made known.

Sorry for the rant...... thank you so much for all the support.

Oak
Stop letting him do Daddy care days. He will use it as evidence in the divorce proceedings that you were/are happy that he is able and responsible to care for DCs at least half of the time. If you know he is EA then this is vvvvvvv bad, it leads your beliefs on his mental health/parenting ability into question. If you think that he will be unstable if you refuse than you need to get out or get him out, really. I know this is vvvvv hard but this is his game, they are never a dumb and helpless as they seem.

Also invest in a notebook (or a dictafone) get down what he is saying in writing or on tape... not allowable in court maybe but definitely useful for lawyers etc.

oak STOP these awful daddy care days.... PLEASE pull your babies close and keep them there. It's going to be a stormy ride and you need to hold them very tightly indeed. xx

fool, my stbx said he wanted us to live apart, but when I asked him what his plan for doing that was, he didn't have one. I researched on the internet, and it seemed I would need a proper legal financial settlement^ even if I didn't divorce him*, to protect myself.

I am in no doubt whatsoever, thanks to MN, that I have been financially and emotionally abused, principally through the medium of language but also through not being given much needed time alone in my own house.
I am also in no doubt that the relationship has been beyond reviving for longer than I had thought. Hence it was a no-brainer to go straight ahead with divorce.

Rummages around for a bit of remaining back bone.

OAK - WTF - he's telling you when to get UP? tell him to fuck the fuck off and when he gets there to fuck off some more!

Love you need a short and snappy retort/statement to him, whispered low at any and every opportunity that he has cause to address you with anything less than the respect you deserve:

'H, FUCK RIGHT OFF'

and DON'T do mediation. FULL STEAM AHEAD WITH THE DIVORCE

Tell him you won't allow him near you or the DC unless he does a perpetrator's programme.

Be THAT hard

Have you got a smart phone with a video camera? can you do a video diary, a week in the life of Oaktree? Show THAT to the solicitor.

You've got to watch that "Daddy care days" four days a week thing. Before you know it he'll be claiming he cares for them more often than you do so you'll be the one getting every other weekend and one weekday with your DCs and paying maintenance into the bargain.

Oh yes annie, that's what he's doing! he's going to go for custody!

Oak, you need to dig deep, deeper than you have ever dug before. You need to get him out of your life, one way or another, compile evidence of his behaviour, see if you can get hold of The Log and have it copied, stop the mediation, fast track the divorce and don't allow yourself to be deviated from the goal in any way shape or form.

I don't want to scare you, but this man will stop at nothing to strip every ray of joy from your life, and he'll start with the kids. he is evil and dangerous.

GET OUT.

hi...everything that they said...more forcefully than me.

(note to self, grow backbone. Take own advice, and repeat)

By the way just found this by St Lundy of Bancroft: for those who may need reminding how hard it is to be cured!!

Checklist for Assessing Change in Men

By Lundy Bancroft
2007
*Note: This is an outline for an article I have not yet written, but I thought it might be helpful to people already.
? Admitting fully to what he has done
? Stopping excuses
? Stopping all blaming of her
? Making amends
? Accepting responsibility (recognizing that abuse is a choice)
? Identifying patterns of controlling behavior, admitting their wrongness
? Identifying the attitudes that drive his abuse
? Accepting that overcoming abusiveness will be a decades-long process, not declaring himself cured
? Not starting to say, ?so now it?s your turn to do your work?, not using change as a bargaining chip
? Not demanding credit for improvements he has made
? Not treating improvements as chips or vouchers to be spent on occasional acts of abuse (e.g. ?I haven?t done anything like this in a long time, so why are you making such a big deal about it??)
? Developing respectful, kind, supportive behaviors
? Carrying his weight
? Sharing power
? Changing how he is in highly heated conflicts
? Changing how he responds to his partner?s (or former partner?s) anger and grievances
? Changing his parenting
? Changing his treatment of her as a parent
? Changing his attitudes towards females in general
? Accepting the consequences of his actions (including not feeling sorry for himself about those consequences, and not blaming her or the children for them)

not encouraging but somehow empowering I think.

Oh crap - my gut instinct about the Daddy care days was to think about him proving he helps round the house and caring for the children. I am so used to him telling me what is going to happen in the house that I automatically accept it- what a complete spineless idiot I am.

Now I'm worried. Will he get custody now even though I have done everything in the house for the past 18 years?? Won't my contribution be taken into account?

He says he needs routine in the house and I can't take his days off him because that would compromise his mental health! I didn't want to be the cause of him going suicidal again....but now I think I was completely naive and he is talking bollocks.

How do I regain control....it's so hard to stand up to him. 18 years of manipulation and controlling has me totally under his will. I am so angry with myself for letting this coniving git do this to me.

Good news though is that Women's Aid have told me they will phone my solicitor and tell her I am not suitable for mediation and the WA will accompany me from now on to all my solicitor meetings.

So through the courts we go...meanwhile I am writing up incidents with me and the children and hopefully they will help the solicitor form a good argument for me to have sole residency of the children.

Thanks to everyone for all your advice its been empowering!

If he is saying not seeing them will compromise his mental health, get in touch with social services and say you are worried about him having the children beccause of his mental health and only want him to see them through a contact centre, which they should allow, because (i assume by where you arfe) there has been a history of violence. Also he cannot use his health as a bargaining tool with you. Best to get him out of your life. You can prove your fit to look after them. x

Yes to Ellen

oak you must not let him use his mental health issues to rule the house . If he is so fragile that changing routines will flip him out then he should not be caring for your children. Put HIM in the double bind, he's either able to cope with change and the children (in which case he can change) or he's not well enough to cope with change and therefore not well enough to look after the DCs.

By the way, don't beat yourself up about finding it hard to stop letting him rule, we are all so conditioned to it, over so long, it takes lots of time to re-educate ourselves. You only have to look upthread to see how my OH ties me in knots on a regular basis. Don't blame yourself but think your way through if you can.

Dear Oak,
if someone threatens suicide then it is there choice. All you can do is call an ambulance. Tell him you are seriously worried about his health and suggest that he goes back to the GP/psychiatrist or whatever. Don't let him play that game with you. You cannot be held to blame if he chooses or attempts what 'self-murder' - much blunter and more to the point.
How old are the DCs? If they are above a certain age they will get listened to, and older still their views will take precedence. Get as much help as you can from WA, SS, any other sources and document everything. Official paper trail counts for a great deal as cuts out 'she said, he said' stuff. Don't rush court until you feel strong. Regain control of when you get out of bed, what you do for DCs.

Oak, you are not a spineless idiot. You are a woman in a deeply flawed, abusive and controlling relationship. You have been worn down by this man, and he is working to an agenda.

You need to get him OUT, dunno how, but that has to be your goal, everything you do, think, say and feel has to be working toward that objective.

I thought I heard something - it was the 'Hissy Whistle' :)

Just checking in from my happy single towers to see how you're all doing.

BIG FAT tickets to the far side of fuck issued to Oaktree's twat and all others who are still having to live with excuses for men!! (am behind with current issues on here otherwise would mention more individual names.

Fool - I'm so proud and pleased to know you're now free (still fighting I know) but so well done for how far you've come.

I saw you posting on someone else's relationship thread with advice (a while back now) and nearly had a tear in my eye knowing the fight you have and are still fighting but able to give advice to those who are still struggling to accept the truth of their own relationships!

Sorry if that sounds utterly patronising btw :)

Apology not needed, of course, but is positive ID for our lovely BB.

Feel "foolish" giving advice when i have so far to go myself...but i was (and am) vvvv lucky to have had such good support and advice from all of you. Feel sure I'd have crumbled if some of the posters on "relationships" had given the benefit of their wisdom to me at the beginning of my moment of revelation!!

fool, if you're anything like me, you find it easier to give advice than to sort out your feelings. Also sometimes, posting on the situation of someone else gives you the distance you need to actually see the synergy in your own life and through writing your opinion on someone elses story, answers to your own situation come to you.

We're all on this journey together, we all have to deal with the same issues, just the dates seem to change.

Long may all of us keep chipping in. Let's hope that even those that don't post, but who read the words here also feel brave enough to join in, and give and receive help.

There is more than enough love here on this thread for everyone. Remember that?

Hello everyone, been away a while in RL, ex-twat away seeing his new victim (i feel sorry for her) so had 12 blissful days without seeing him. We only have contact regarding DD, pickups and drop offs are swift and usually silent.

Oaktree your P is a nasty, calculating piece of work. agree with the others about lessening any opportunity to let him boost his fatherly image and get social services involved.

Yep, Hissy, lots of love here, enough for everyone. It is self-perpetuating and nurturing, something these twats just wouldn't understand.

Evening all. Lovely to see BB back in her uniform.
Sounds like you need an Extra Xmas Twat Express laid on to take away all the unwanted Hs and make the festive season that bit happier and calmer.

Just got home to the tidy warm Little House after a weekend at the Very Nice Man's messy house. I think I am getting acclimatised to the mess It is a hard line to tread between encouraging and interfering. There were 24 pairs of shoes under his bed and they didn't smell very nice... but his niceness makes up for it! We are having a mutual Convalescence from past hurts and he is realising his Ex wasn't very kind to him.

Nurturing is good. Even little things like making a cup of hot chocolate with marshmallows and cream can be an act of kindness.

24!!!!! [cenvy]

glad you had a nice weekend and your little house was as neat, warm and tidy as you wanted!!

Just had a visit from OH he clearly got off BBs bus a little early to tell me that now he's had time to think about it I'm an emotional abuser and he's going to sue for custody of the DCs .

I want to run away...wish I could just never, ever see him again ever...ever, ever, ever! But he'll be back to see DCs this evening. Grrrrr.

whoops

fool - just ignore him, he's full of it.

Get the contact formulated and set, and stop him doing this to you. he doesn't need to have too much contact with you all, not if he's going to use it to abuse you.

full of it hissy? I'd say full of shit

Fool take no notice xx