Support for those in abusive relationships - thread 6

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

Welcome!

This is the latest instalment in a series of threads for those who are in abusive relationships, those who have left abusive relationships, and those gearing to leave.

Come vent, share, give and receive support.

The first question you may be asking yourself as a new visitor to this thread is:

Am I being abused?
Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Financial abuse Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books
"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites
So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.

yes, i am a reasonable mummy and a "good" childminder (well OFSTED good anyway). many books, much craft, dens, dressing up, role play (very illuminating!!) pegs and flannels and a bit of string are good too

4 at school, 1 at playgroup 4 mornings, 1 at home, 2 additional (not mine) and an occasional special needs baby (over my numbers but allowed because of SN and exceptional need of parent).

Been lurking more than posting recently, but wanted to say how brilliant it is to see the progress through these threads. I often think of the Shawshank analogy someone made a few threads back. We really do have to crawl through a lot of shit to get our freedom.

I've had a lot going on in RL. Mainly practical things to do with our 'new life' away from H. Part of those practical changes has been a very stark reminder of life before we left . And DD (5) has been very very distressed, talking of being scared when we lived in the old place (with H). It is heart-breaking, and I kick myself every day for not having left sooner. The thing is, at the time I thought I was protecting her, that she didn't witness much at the time. Certainly no physical abuse, and very rarely H shouting at me, and when he shouted at her (a handful of times) I always intervened. But I look back and I see that I was terrified of H, constantly walking on eggshells, and that must have been obvious. She would have picked up on H's poisonous moods, too. And to think I used to worry about the impact on the DCs of us splitting up...

And contact is still problematic, and each time I need to stand up to H I get a bit shaky and need to grit my teeth and do it. It helps it's all by email as I'd buckle every time if it were face to face.

FOTH you are bloody marvelous! But you sound exhausted. I was there (with fewer children and responsibilities) a few months ago, and I was mentally, physically and emotionally drained. I seemed to need almost every reserve to keep H from breaching my defences. But it did get better. I can't pinpoint when, but it's amazing how even a few days without contact can help you regain strength. I think for your own strength you have to stand up to him and assert your boundaries. I know that flies in the face of years of conditioning, when you would do anything to avoid upsetting him, but he's not going to be pleasant whatever happens, and it's a lovely habit to get into :)

Hissy I'm impressed that you could even look at a man. At the moment I feel that I never want anything to do with another man for the rest of my life, and I know that's a bit sad. OK so your twitter bloke was at best a cheaty bastard, but he was a good practice flirtation, and you're getting the relationship pieces together one by one. And when you got warning signs you didn't ignore your instincts! Can't wait to hear about the next one.

Lastly, anyone seen this thread? Too many responses telling this poor woman she just needs to do things differently to stop her H abusing her:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1350103-I-am-alternatively-negligent-lazy-with-domestic-chores-and-too-controlling-with-children#28681259

Hello, fool, just hoping you had a good morning, or at least an interesting one. Hope it went well.

I realised last night that I have been a childminder - an unpaid one to our street! I had such a lonely childhood, and was so glad when the kids had friends in. And our house was a bit bigger than the others in the street. I used to do about 10 weekends a year in charge of them and all their friends of different ages. Actually I enjoyed it, but I realise now looking back how much of a strain it put on me. It was worth it, both DC are social animals with lots of friends.

Re that other thread, I guess she has to try the techniques people suggest just so she knows it isn't her fault. When they don't work - I take it we're all fairly confident that it's when not if! - she will be more open to the realisation that he does it because he can, and that there is no possibility of happy ever after with that particular arse man.

Hello,

guess what, I told OH I didn't want him to come round this am, he protested...but after i had a phone call from mutual friend he reluctantly said wouldn't come (not before lots of emotional blackmail with kids tho')...but then guess what...he TURNED UP AT THE WEDDING the children and i were going to.. instead this afternoon.

But the best thing was...even though I was taking part (prayers/reading) it didn't matter!!!!!!!!! I'm not saying he'll never get to me again but...WOW!

Jesus Fool, I don't know how you haven't murdered him.

TGTF - you forget, I didn't LOOK at him, it was virtual. He talked to me, I replied and the conversation flowed. I'm not ready for a relationship, but I'm ready to entertain the idea of one.

It's a start!

Hey fool well done!!!!!!

btw, I couldn't do what you do for a living, it would drive me bloody insane. You are a saint, no wonder you're exhausted.

not saint, yes exhausted. think the career change was partly him keeping me under thumb and partly me staying close to keep tabs on DCs because he has always been unpredictable.

the more I see of him unravelling the more he looks like a full blown Narc Personality Disorder though..it's like the veneer is slipping now I'm not there sticking it back firmly in place....

Still can't believe he was at the wedding.....sure he came because he knows mostly i can't string 2 words together when he is in same room.....Ha Ha so glad I could...the best revenge is to live well, long and happy. Aiming for these!

agh, uber twat has disconnected the tv so that I can't watch it unless I agree to his terms and conditions. What an uber twat he is...
This is all because I let the children watch the big tv in the front room, (which he never uses) whilst he was at a football match with his favourite ds1.

I can't work out how he's done it though, not as simple as pulling out the plug....
what a wander

and what terms and conditons would those be, buttons?

Not much of a techie, so can't help re what he's actually done to the TV.

It won't turn on. I can't work out what he's done a it is still plugged in and all the sky boxes etc are working, just the tv wont turn on.
Ah I don't give a shit. I'll go and buy my own tv.
I mean what sort of man does that?
He's not a man ,he's a stupid , mean spirited little boy

ah terms and conditions are that I don't let the dc's watch the big tv 'unsupervised'. They weren't 'unsupervised', I was in the room on the computer. Apparently that wasn't good enough and I was humiliating him infront of his children and treating him like a ten year old or something
wanker

Is it a fused plug, could he have taken the fuse out? And er, is it not the FAMILY's television anyway, not his own personal toy? Treating him like a ten year old is quite generous of you, considering that he's behaving about half that age.

Well done Fool, and I hope the wedding was enjoyable despite the spectre at the feast or whatever the saying is.

Thank you to all you lovely ladies who supported me a week ago. I'm still here, trying to make sense...Sorry I can't be any more supportive back right now but genuinely wishing you all the best. Xx

unexpectedly enjoyable...think the spectre made me concentrate on being in the moment for my lovely friends rather than thinking about myself...bet he wasn't expecting that!!!!

bellabing as you may have noticed we all take our turn at receiving from time to time. Stick with it...do what you need to do and can do. Don't worry about the rest.

Ty foth. Xx

Bigbuttons. Use the laptop for telly in the meantime.

Say NOTHING. No reaction,

Then, tommorrow call the Tv repair man.

As tough as it is, bouncve back everytime, and tell him after every single one of these fuckwittery incididents, that all he's doing is make you miss him less, and shorten the time it'll take until you find a proper man to share your life with.

From now on in, treat him with contempt.

Sorry, on phone.

hi all sorry bit of a me post, feeling rather sad at the moment X is working OT so contact day today, even just being in the house he slipped into the "i'm more superior than you" role, after 1 too many insults I told him I have a right not to be spoken to like that in my own home & asked him to leave early. He got a bit too close for comfort at one point and I told him I would call the police if I needed too...he calmed down & went. It's meant to be our anniversary tomorrow :( x

just read back a little, cheering for FOTH, can just imagine you up near speaking confidently and with an air of up yours' you twat grace :o Buttons what Hissy said, don't react, find alternative ways and laugh when he goes to put it back on and can't remember what he did to it himself Bellabing just wanted to re-iterate what the others have said Hi to everyone else I've missed X

there not near! it's rather late is my excuse! lol x

Pixie, hang in there! Well done you for standing up for yourself!