Did he cross the line or do I need to just pull myself together?

[pinkcardi]

I wonder if you can give me a little perspective? Mostly I just want to tell someone but am too embarrassed to discuss this in RL. Has my dp crossed the line?

This weekend we were at the inlaws and after a fair amount of wine went to bed. The lights were off but I was playing on my phone. He started getting kissing and touching me etc. I didn't fancy it so I crossed my legs, batted him away, moved to the other side of the bed, still good natured. I then turned off the phone and tried to sleep. At which point he persisted. I said that I didn't want to, that his parents were next door and I really didn't want to. But he carried on, not roughly but still not stopping. Anyway, eventually I said it more firmly. He seemed to take this as a sign to take things further......I just lay there a bit in shock. I didn't move at all throughout it, didn't resist him but didn't participate really.

He did say, at one point "if you really don't want to just say" And I don't know why I didn't. Perhaps I felt that it would cause a scene, or that I didn't want to upset him.

I told him when we finished that he'd made me feel like a piece of meat. He was very sorry, and sorry the next morning. I told him that I didn't want to talk about it when he tried to.

I just feel a bit numb. I'm not angry with him. I just wondered what you thought? Is this a big deal, am I making a mountain out of a mole hill (not that I've said anything about it) I just feel a little numb. Normally we are very happy, I love him v. much.

Marital rape was only criminalised in England in 1991 and in Scotland in 1982.

I wonder why you are frightened about using the word rape?

Only you know what happened, OP, only you know if you would have done the same to him. I'm not sure what carried away really means in this context. The only carried away that's ever happened in 14 yrs of having sex with DH is that he may have gone deeper than a position comfortably allows and I've had to push him away a bit, this just takes a gentle nudge or I verbalise once.

I'm really sorry about what's happened to you.

Pink, you were there and we weren't; you know this man and we don't. Do whatever feels right for you, and if it turns out that it wasn't a one-off, come back as many times as you need to, the support is here and always will be.

I really wish you the best, Pink. I hope this was a one-off 'blip' in a good relationship. I wanted you to just be aware, having suffered mr myself and knowing how muddled its effects can be on someone's mind.

The thing is with the 'I'll leave it if happens again' attitude is that women don't. In fact, you've tolerated this, haven't you? Why should you leave if it happens again? The definition of madness is doing the same action and expecting a different result That is not meant to sound nasty or cruel. So please, please, don't think that it is. But, if I may so, and in the best possible way you are not thinking clearly or rationally about this. NOT NOT a criticism- nobody would be thinking clearly. It will take something else for you to leave (and he knows this, too. He can now 'up the ante' towards even worse things). In his eyes, it's an empty threat. He's done it once and not only is he getting away with it, you are going to reward him with marriage! All you've given him is a slap on the wrist. It means nothing to him.

What he did will subconsciously eat away at you eroding at your self-esteem. Ask yourself this, why did you post here if you don't see it as an issue? Next time it happens (I'm not going to say 'if'- it's very much a case of 'when'), your self-esteem will be eroded further than it is now and perhaps you won't have the energy and resources to go. More importantly than energy and money, you won't believe you deserve better or have any hope left. To be honest, it is the belief that you deserve better and that hope still beats in their souls that makes women stand all kinds of financial hardship when leaving a dh.

I've nothing else to say apart from asking you take in the following:

1, NOBODY here has any reason to lie to you. Why would they? Ultimately, whatever you do isn't going to make a difference to our lives. Your dp does. Whatever he says up until the date of the wedding will be just words. You won't see the dark side, so don't even look for it. But don't set any store by what he does and says until date of wedding.
Talking about the wedding...
2, Can't you at least consider putting wedding off? They aren't time dependent. Make up some excuse. Don't worry about what others say, most people won't care, really. It's only your life you're ruining by getting married to him, not theirs. Bizarre as that sounds, I do actually mean it in a good way!

Whatever you choose, best of luck.

agreed wamster

op i really do think you need to look long term.

you said that he has got performance issues, so has he seen anyone about that?

is he really upset by what he has done, has he gone and started seeking help?

what happens if you do get married, go on to have dc's, will he do it again? will his excuse be that you 'neglect' him so he couldn't help himself?

you said it happened after you both had been drinking. has he stopped, promised too? has he had a drink since?

sorry for all the questions and i'm sure you know you don't have to answer them, but still wishing you all the best!

has he made that call yet, pink ?

Any man who can enjoy sex with someone who is clearly not enjoying it would repulse me. My DH is very put off if I seem even slightly uncomfortable. If I'm not responding much he'll ask me if I'm ok, if I want to stop etc because my enjoyment matters to him. If I was completely still and lifeless it would totally turn him off and he would definitely stop of his own accord. Someone who not only can carry on but is actually turned on by a partner who shows no interest is very odd indeed in my view.

I think the only way you can know that he is sincere, is if he makes the call to get his issues sorted; and then actually does whatever he has to to get them sorted. Until he does that, you only know what he has said. Until he does something, you won't know.

If he makes excuses, puts it off and so on, then you'll know that he didn't mean a word of it....

This is how you sort it out now. Expect, nay demand, that he gets on with it.

Another one wondering if he's made the call yet. Am starting to think that maybe he hasn't and in fact has no intention of doing it .

i just hope the op is ok