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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Did he cross the line or do I need to just pull myself together?

136 replies

pinkcardi · 31/10/2011 18:47

I wonder if you can give me a little perspective? Mostly I just want to tell someone but am too embarrassed to discuss this in RL. Has my dp crossed the line?

This weekend we were at the inlaws and after a fair amount of wine went to bed. The lights were off but I was playing on my phone. He started getting kissing and touching me etc. I didn't fancy it so I crossed my legs, batted him away, moved to the other side of the bed, still good natured. I then turned off the phone and tried to sleep. At which point he persisted. I said that I didn't want to, that his parents were next door and I really didn't want to. But he carried on, not roughly but still not stopping. Anyway, eventually I said it more firmly. He seemed to take this as a sign to take things further......I just lay there a bit in shock. I didn't move at all throughout it, didn't resist him but didn't participate really.

He did say, at one point "if you really don't want to just say" And I don't know why I didn't. Perhaps I felt that it would cause a scene, or that I didn't want to upset him.

I told him when we finished that he'd made me feel like a piece of meat. He was very sorry, and sorry the next morning. I told him that I didn't want to talk about it when he tried to.

I just feel a bit numb. I'm not angry with him. I just wondered what you thought? Is this a big deal, am I making a mountain out of a mole hill (not that I've said anything about it) I just feel a little numb. Normally we are very happy, I love him v. much.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 31/10/2011 20:29

Please don't marry someone who is so disrespectful that he has sex with you knowing you don't want it.

You are very upset with him but will reward him by marrying him?

Original poster
pinkcardi · 31/10/2011 20:29

I should have told you all before, as this changes it doesn't it. I'm sorry, just rather embarrassed and confused. Waiting for him to come home now.

OP posts:
SolidGoldVampireBat · 31/10/2011 20:29

What a fucking disgusting shit of a man. Honestly, OP, he is. He knew you wouldn't make a fuss because you were in his parents' house. He knew you didn't want sex, but he didn't care.

oranges · 31/10/2011 20:32

its a really, really dangerous sign that after he forced himself on you, you feel embarrassed and confused. Women who are attacked react differently. Some scream and shout, others go silent and lie still, others almost "go along with it", hoping that will make it end quickly. Whatever they do, the fault is not theirs.

ScareyFairenuff · 31/10/2011 20:46

I am not excusing him. But I know that if I had said a very forceful no he would have stopped

You are excusing him. You do not need to say a 'very forceful' no. If you go to pour wine in someone's glass and they put their hand over the top, do you ignore it and pour anyway? No. You read the signal. You stop.

You did say no. With your body language and your words. It doesn't matter how loud, that's irrelevant.

If I had just said it again I wouldn't be in this mess

You are not to blame in any way. If he doesn't acknowledge that immediately and without any reservation then he has a serious and potentially dangerous problem.

I think you should put the wedding on hold indefinately so that he doesn't use the commitment you have made already to persuade you to 'forget about it'.

Answer these questions yes/no

Did you say no?
Did he do it anyway?

Regardless of what you think his intentions were, his actions were rape. I think you should speak to the rape crisis centre. They will have seen people in your situation many times I am sure and will be able to offer you good advice and possibly some counselling.

AnyPhantomFucker · 31/10/2011 20:48

so you were wet ?

that means nothing

rape victims can get wet...it's the body's response to stimulation, it isn't under voluntary control

some disgusting defences of rapists have attempted to put forward this "theory" that because the vagina gets wet the woman "must have wanted it"

don't you fucking dare buy into that

BibiBatsberg · 31/10/2011 20:49

PinkCardi. I could have written your OP word for word not so long ago.

Had no idea what happened to me over and over wasn't right and not my fault.

Please listen to the great advice given on this thread. I kept sweeping my feelings under the carpet, lying there and letting him get on with it, not saying anything because he would have got too upset about what he was doing to me!

At first it's easy to 'sweep' but the amount of crying I did in the bathroom afterwards for years and then eventually feeling completely numb to it all, confused, scared there was something wrong with me really make me wish now I'd had the knowledge imparted here.

You're amazing for being able to talk about this now after 'only' one incident (one too many) don't let this drop with him for fear of the drama he will create to get you to feel sorry for him and hopefully (for him) drop this.

bigbuttons · 31/10/2011 20:50

I think the OP is excusing it because she loves him. A person she loves has violated her. Now that's a horrible thing to face up to isn't it, really horrible.
It is an automatic reaction to start minimising/normalising traumatic events such as these. It protects you from the truth and the truth is shitty and there's no getting round that.
The OP wants everything to be alright, of course she does, but it's not and that's really hurtful.

izzywhizzysfritenite · 31/10/2011 21:23

It's called the thin end of the wedge and it is not something you should ignore or gloss over.

If he believes he has rights over your body before the wedding, what's he going to be like after marriage if you decide you're not up for it for whatever reason?

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 31/10/2011 21:47

One other thing, and another way to tell if he is genuinely repentant and recognisant of the fact that his actions were unacceptable and it is on HIM to change.

He has to stop drinking so much. Seriously, he can never drink that much again. He should willingly realise and accept this.

AnyPhantomFucker · 31/10/2011 21:52

and he could seek help for his willy wilt

using your body to prove he can keep it up ?

fucking disgusting behaviour

izzywhizzysfritenite · 31/10/2011 22:05

I think you're going to be in for a shock because I don't believe that he'll be particularly ashamed of his behaviour or repentant, but I reckon you'll gloss this over too and tell yourself what you want to hear which is, obviously, not what anyone is saying in response to your post.

ScarlettIsWalking · 31/10/2011 22:29

Sorry op this must feel like a whirlwind in your head but what your p did was violate you in a very, very serious and Pre planned manner.

It's horrible and extremely serious if you are thinking of getting married and starting a family with this " person" :(

Can you talk more about your relationship? What is he truly like as a person if you take your emotions out of it?

SolidGoldVampireBat · 31/10/2011 22:45

He was putting you in your place OP, and showing you what to expect from now on. Because he feels that you belong to him, that your wishes and feelings are irrelevant, because he is the person who matters in this relationship.

ScareyFairenuff · 31/10/2011 22:49

your wishes and feelings are irrelevant - yup

pink did he consider your wishes and feelings?

Jux · 01/11/2011 08:18

Pink, please keep posting - no matter what.

We are here to support you; we will not judge you.

bellsring · 01/11/2011 10:04

Pink - hope you're doing ok. I know you have alot of stuff to think through; it's not easy receiving the replies you got. Have you discussed it with your fiance yet, and if so, how did it go - what kind of response did you get?

Wishing you well.

atosilis · 01/11/2011 10:17

I would definitely talk it out with him, I put up with it for years - we're still married. It's only in the last few years that everything has come to the boil and I can't bear the thought of it. He genuinely thinks it's part of the marriage deal, that's what a wife does. 6weeks after an episiotomy, because the doc said it would be ok then, he went on and on and Jesus, the pain. It has now finally got into his skull but this could have been sorted out years ago. The stories I could tell and inappropriate times/places. Not a bad man but just should have been 'trained' properly in the 1970's! Start as you mean to go on.

AnyFucker · 01/11/2011 10:19

atosilis Shock

atosilis · 01/11/2011 10:23

Once when I was very depressed, couldn't work and wasn't doing much around the house - quote...

"If you don't do much around the house and won't have sex, what are you here for?"

He wanted the sort of wife his mum was to his dad. I did it for years then WOKE UP!

AnyFucker · 01/11/2011 10:27

but you are stll with him ?

why ?

atosilis · 01/11/2011 10:34

Very good question and well presented! The good times still generally balance the bad I suppose. Sex is still a major problem so Pink, sort it out now!

AnyFucker · 01/11/2011 10:35

that is some rationalisation you got going there, atosilis

AnyFucker · 01/11/2011 10:36

moving on...

pink hope you are ok today x

snailoon · 01/11/2011 10:36

Has he done this before? If he is usually kind, considerate, and not an entitled arsehole, and you have known him a long time, I would talk about it if you decide you want to, and decide what will make you feel better and follow through, but I wouldn't call this rape.
It is certainly NOT your fault, but equally you could have stopped him if you had said "CUT IT OUT" and got out of bed for 2 minutes and glared at him. I get annoyed when people call something like this rape. Obviously he shouldn't have done it, but if you could have stopped him, and he is not abusive / controlling in general, and you're not afraid of him I don't call this rape.