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Original poster

Feel invisible and unloved

123 replies

Lonelyinrelationship · 30/10/2011 21:33

does anyone else feel invisible and unloved in their relationship?

I read threads where the husband wants sex too often and feel jealous. My husband never wants me. I sit there and fawn over him and he almost completely ignores me. I have organised so many romantic treats for him over the 20 years we have been together and cannot remember one he has organised.

I smile at him. I pet him. I organise things for him. I love him. I look after the house and organise everything whilst also having the more demanding job. What do I get from the relationship?? I asked him this earlier, he rolled his eyes, walked out the room and went to bed - refused to talk.

I am so lonely in this relationship.

OP posts:
AnyPhantomFucker · 30/10/2011 21:35

Why are you still in it ?

Serious question.

hellhasnofury · 30/10/2011 21:35

Seems like there is little emotional connection from him. What do you get from the relationship? Is it how you want to spend the next 20 years?

Original poster
Lonelyinrelationship · 30/10/2011 21:40

He is a lovely man. I just don't feel like he loves me despite his insistance to the contrary. It just frustrates me. I wouldn't care so much if I didn't know that he did loads of things for his last girlfriend and never makes any effort with me. Got fed up earlier and started ranting about how ne never helps with anything and come home to his f...king socks on the floor waiting to be put in the washing machine..... Even my father asks why I dont trade him in for. A rabbit.... If only he knew the rabbit offers services my dh never would?!

OP posts:
ItsMeAndMyPumpkinNow · 30/10/2011 21:41

Why do you fawn over him etc when he ignores you? It hasn't got you the response you wanted so far; it's unlikely to get you the response you want now or in the future.

Time to change tactics methinks. Including completely reassessing the point of staying in a relationship you feel so lonely in. IME, it's a lot less painful to feel lonely because you are actually alone, rather than to feel the ache of loneliness when someone you actively love and who you deeply want to love you back is treating you like furniture instead.

Original poster
Lonelyinrelationship · 30/10/2011 21:43

Stupid things with his last girlfriend (over 20 years ago but only comparable) he travelled miles to a hotel room where he set up a Christmas tree and presents for her. He had a wet dream about her (sorry if tmi) and yet never wants any sexual contact with me. Just don't understand....

OP posts:
ItsMeAndMyPumpkinNow · 30/10/2011 21:44

What don't you understand? He's making it pretty clear that he has no love or respect for you. Look at his actions, not his words.

ItsMeAndMyPumpkinNow · 30/10/2011 21:48

I would just like to point out, since this may be at the heart of what you "son't understand", that the fact that someone isn't loving you back does NOT mean that you are unlovable; it doesn't mean that you are in the wrong or not loving him enough or not loving him the right way.

You are perfectly lovable. He just chooses not to love you.

Original poster
Lonelyinrelationship · 30/10/2011 21:48

If that's the case why not just say that? Why keep begging for me to stay and then just reject me? All I want is to feel loved and looked after and just get so frustrated by the constant deemed rejections. Everyone thinks we're so happy (bar my dad) and think he adores me. He does appear so in public buti just feel like I get nothing back and if i try to talk to him normally he refuses to talk or expects me to talk to his back. Bloody rude I think to walk out mid way through conversation

OP posts:
ItsMeAndMyPumpkinNow · 30/10/2011 21:48

*don't not son't

AnyPhantomFucker · 30/10/2011 21:49

You sound like a doormat, sorry

malinkey · 30/10/2011 21:51

What is lovely about him? He sounds horrid.

ItsMeAndMyPumpkinNow · 30/10/2011 21:51

Why keep begging for me to stay and then just reject me?

Because the status quo is much easier? Because keeping the live-in comfort of a live woman he can treat as a domestic appliance is more in his interest than the mess of separation and living alone? Because everything would be dandy (for him) if you would just stay in the role he's designed for you and quit making demands (for love and respect) on him?

Original poster
Lonelyinrelationship · 30/10/2011 21:52

Thanks pumpkin. I feel unlovable. I just don't understand why he wouldn't just say if he didn't want to be together. He's always adamant he loves me. Fancies me. Wants to be together and yet never gives me positive reinforcements ever. He does buy me flowers every week. And he drives when we go out. He will also occassionally pick me up if go out with my friends (about twice a year)

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 30/10/2011 21:53

Oh, OP, this is both upsetting and frustrating reading your posts.

He clearly isn't bothered about you - seriously, he would behave differently if he was. God knows why he's still there. I'm not being critical here - clearly you are the nicer person. He is NOT a lovely person - how could he be lovely and behave like that?

Please don't fawn over him. Everyone knows that if you've gone off someone and they do that it's just irritating. Please don't.

I think you should leave him. I don't say that lightly. You deserve a proper relationship with someone who loves you. I can't imagine the humiliation you've suffered at his hands.

I don't know whether he's having an affair so has no emotional energy left for you or whether he is a cold hearted bastard who's just gone off you and doesn't have the decency to say something, but in either case, I would go.

Do you have children? You have the more responsible job - I have to say this really doesn't surprise me.

SkinnedAlive · 30/10/2011 21:53

You ask why he bes you to stay and then rejects you. You said it yourself in your initial post :( :( "I look after the house and organise everything whilst also having the more demanding job. "

Where else will he get money, a housekeeper etc for free?

You are worth so much more than him, and yes it is less lonly on your own than with someone that doesn't care

ImperialBlether · 30/10/2011 21:55

Your dad clearly has an insight into him that others lack.

Go to your dad and ask him to help you get out of this loveless relationship.

Oh I wouldn't be surprised if your husband has thought of leaving but realises he will lose his standard of living.

Walking off when you are trying to discuss deep emotional feelings is absolutely rude and disrespectful behaviour.

ItsMeAndMyPumpkinNow · 30/10/2011 21:55

And he drives when we go out. He will also occassionally pick me up if go out with my friends (about twice a year)

This is so sad. You see those things as positive?

You deserve so much more in life than being treated like a doormat and crumbs of attention like the ones you list.

Original poster
Lonelyinrelationship · 30/10/2011 21:55

Perhaps I am a doormat. I just don't know. I just want to feel loved and cherished and want my husband to make me feel like that. Just occasionally would be fine. Fed up of feeling like an unpaid slave but can't see a way out without moving out of the relationship which I dont want to do

OP posts:
ItsMeAndMyPumpkinNow · 30/10/2011 22:00

Well then you're going to continue feeling like an unpaid slave, and being treated like a doormat, because the fact that you want your husband to make you feel loved has no bearing on what your husband will do.

Fact. We can't change people. We can't make them want to change. Only they can do that.

Your husband doesn't want to: he walks out when you try to express your feelings. He is not willing to take them on board.

foolonthehill · 30/10/2011 22:02

He stays because you are wonderful, look after his every need, contribute financially, dote on him, love him and demand very little. And when you do make a demand he can ignore it (socks) because he doesn't take it seriously and knows you will end up sorting it anyway, why would he leave?

And by the way IMO he is NOT a lovely man...he is rude to you, he rejects you, he makes you feel like you don't matter and hardly exist except to make him comfortable. A lovely man would cherish you in return..maybe in a different way, but you would be loved.

If he can't do anything to make you want to stay but beg and then go back to his old ways...then he still doesn't seem to be getting the idea that you deserve better...

Now the question is what do you want ...

ImperialBlether · 30/10/2011 22:03

OP, do you have children? What age are you?

Please, let us help you.

lifechanger · 30/10/2011 22:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Lonelyinrelationship · 30/10/2011 22:03

Thanks pumpkin. You're right he doesnt care. It's just annoying for him when I start. I can't change him. Why is he one way with his previous girlfriend who he claims he never loved as much and this way with me?? That's what I struggle with

OP posts:
hellhasnofury · 30/10/2011 22:04

Things aren't going to change unless you force them to. Stop doing all the things that make you his doormat. You deserve better and if he's not prepared to step up to the mark then walk away. Life is too short and too precious to waste on an unhappy relationship.

ImperialBlether · 30/10/2011 22:05

The advantage of him picking you up when you go out with your girlfriends is that you are he keep up the facade of a happy marriage.