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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel invisible and unloved

123 replies

Lonelyinrelationship · 30/10/2011 21:33

does anyone else feel invisible and unloved in their relationship?

I read threads where the husband wants sex too often and feel jealous. My husband never wants me. I sit there and fawn over him and he almost completely ignores me. I have organised so many romantic treats for him over the 20 years we have been together and cannot remember one he has organised.

I smile at him. I pet him. I organise things for him. I love him. I look after the house and organise everything whilst also having the more demanding job. What do I get from the relationship?? I asked him this earlier, he rolled his eyes, walked out the room and went to bed - refused to talk.

I am so lonely in this relationship.

OP posts:
foolonthehill · 30/10/2011 22:08

He takes you for granted, he didn't take her for granted.....make of it what you will.....................

She was 20 years ago, i think you need to deal with now.....

As pumpkin said, you can't change him, you can't even make him want to change...he might change if you do, or he might not...

The only person you can help is you, you need to believe that not only do you deserve better but that better is really possible, for you, now.

maleview70 · 30/10/2011 22:08

Don't Compare what he did over 20 years ago. He can't have been much out of his teens! Not many men in their 40's are going to have wet dreams about the person they have been with for 20yrs plus.

Assume you don't have kids as you haven't mentioned any.

It sounds to me like he has settled for you rather than been madly in love with you. I assume he has therefore always been like this with you.

If you don't have kids to consider then you are wasting your life.

ItsMeAndMyPumpkinNow · 30/10/2011 22:10

Why is he one way with his previous girlfriend who he claims he never loved as much and this way with me?? That's what I struggle with

It doesn't matter. It's his choice how he treats others. Just because he treated one of you like a spoiled princess, and you like a doormat, his behaviour does not make her a princess or you a doormat.

You are a person, worthy of love and of respect. He won't give it to you -- despite your efforts, despite your love, despite your asking. You deserve better.

Original poster
Lonelyinrelationship · 30/10/2011 22:11

Thank you. I think you're right - it's just devastating to realise after so many years. I just wish I knew why. He has previously said that he's so proud to be with someone like me and yet he treats me with indifference. I do wonder if I expect too much and am just too insecure so take every slight as a personal insult.

OP posts:
SkinnedAlive · 30/10/2011 22:12

Don't think why was he this way with her and not with me. Its the path to insanity. Probably the shoe was on the other foot and she was the one not so into him so he had to make the effort. It's not a reflection on you and your worth that he treats you differently, though I know it feels that way. They split up, and though he says this and that about how he treated her, rest assured that leopards don't change their spots and he was almost certainly the unloving, cold, inconsiderate man in exactly the same way he is with you

ItsMeAndMyPumpkinNow · 30/10/2011 22:12

God no, you are not "too proud". Given what you put up with, you are clearly not proud enough of the lovely person that you are.

ImperialBlether · 30/10/2011 22:14

OP, can you tell me why you won't say whether you have children, or your age?

hellhasnofury · 30/10/2011 22:14

Did he treat her like a princess or does he think he did? He seems good at playing the game, your friends and family think you have a great relationship but your version of the truth is somewhat different to the one he portrays.

You sound so unhappy OP, and that is so sad. You deserve happiness.

BarnMummy · 30/10/2011 22:15

Totally agree with other posters that you sound like the much more lovable person, and that clearly you deserve much better - no-one deserves to be treated this way.

I would like to know why you say that you don't want to leave the relationship? Is this because you love him (even with the minimal attention you get)? feel loyalty? think even this relationship is better than being on your own? have some other commitment that would be difficult to untangle (kids / joint house etc?)

AnyPhantomFucker · 30/10/2011 22:16

I think you should take every "slight" as a personal insult

I think that summates your problem so far, tbh

I would certainly feel mortally offended to be treated like a domestic appliance, and would consider it a deal breaker

Original poster
Lonelyinrelationship · 30/10/2011 22:16

Thanks male view. You're right. Completely. He is definitely too old to have wet dreams now, he just never seemed to fancy me and to be honest it's massively dented my confidence and made our relationship the way it is.

Pumpkin, your right too, I do focus so much on a really historic relationship. I guess just because he seemed to love her in a way he never loved me (although he had 2 affairs in the short period he was with her). As far as I'm aware, he has never cheated on me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lonelyinrelationship · 30/10/2011 22:17

Sorry imperial. 36 and childless hence the issues now....

OP posts:
AnyPhantomFucker · 30/10/2011 22:18

is this going to be one of those kinds of threads where OP never actually tells us anything at all about herself, or why she has stayed ?

have you posted before, OP...is this another thread about the same situation

would we recognise you under another name ?

ItsMeAndMyPumpkinNow · 30/10/2011 22:18

He cheated on her repeatedly? There you have it: he did not treat her well (or you). All the overblown romantic gestures were probably the only way of keeping her despite the cheating.

AnyPhantomFucker · 30/10/2011 22:18

I think we would recognise you under another name

come clean, OP

Original poster
Lonelyinrelationship · 30/10/2011 22:20

I don't want to leave him because it feels too late. I do love him. I have been with him for so long. I want to have children with him (or would have liked to). I just want him to love me and want me. Or just show me some sort of positive reinforcement - that's all it would take.

OP posts:
AnyPhantomFucker · 30/10/2011 22:21

have you posted this before ?

ItsMeAndMyPumpkinNow · 30/10/2011 22:21

I just want him to love me and want me. Or just show me some sort of positive reinforcement - that's all it would take.

But it's not going to happen.

How much longer are you going to flog a dead horse?

Original poster
Lonelyinrelationship · 30/10/2011 22:22

I've posted before under brave babes thread but not really about our relationship.... I drink too much (not massively so) but only because I'm miserable. I've name changed so I can still post there with (some?!) dignity

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 30/10/2011 22:23

OP, it's not too late now, but it will be.

Please tell us why you stay. 20 years on and you feel like this - do you think you'll feel better after 30 years?

AnyPhantomFucker · 30/10/2011 22:24

ok, sorry to pin you down

I get what you are saying re. the drinking

I would drink too much, too, in your situation

You sound like many women who have posted in relationships

those women, I am afraid, are under the impression that any relationship is better than no relationship

are you one of those women ?

foolonthehill · 30/10/2011 22:25

OK 36, and this is you thinking...I'm never going to have a family?? Has that brought up all these other realisations?

You've been with him since you were 16?? So guessing you don't have another better model for a relationship., I think you picked a bad'un

You need to be honest with yourself about what you want.

Original poster
Lonelyinrelationship · 30/10/2011 22:26

I just can't imagine leaving him. I want him to want to be with me. I would love to have a normal family rather than pretending our various animals are sufficient - they're not. It's too late to start again and I wouldnt really want to.

OP posts:
ItsMeAndMyPumpkinNow · 30/10/2011 22:27

I want him to want to be with me.

But he doesn't want to. He is making that very clear.

AnyPhantomFucker · 30/10/2011 22:29

There is nothing to say to you then, OP

Stay with him

Stay with him

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