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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel invisible and unloved

123 replies

Lonelyinrelationship · 30/10/2011 21:33

does anyone else feel invisible and unloved in their relationship?

I read threads where the husband wants sex too often and feel jealous. My husband never wants me. I sit there and fawn over him and he almost completely ignores me. I have organised so many romantic treats for him over the 20 years we have been together and cannot remember one he has organised.

I smile at him. I pet him. I organise things for him. I love him. I look after the house and organise everything whilst also having the more demanding job. What do I get from the relationship?? I asked him this earlier, he rolled his eyes, walked out the room and went to bed - refused to talk.

I am so lonely in this relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lonelyinrelationship · 30/10/2011 22:48

Drink fuelled - I guess yes only 2 large glasses (wine). I do need things to change. It would just be easier if things could change with him. Things will change as of to tomorrow- I'm sleeping downstairs tonight which I've never done before

OP posts:
Original poster
Lonelyinrelationship · 30/10/2011 22:50

I have started aa and also regularly (ish) post on brave babes under a different alias. They have been fantastic and I am definitely moving in the right direction drink wise. I realise that I have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol and am trying to change that. I've never really drunk massive amounts but more because I never let there be any in the house. If there's a bottle of wine here I will drink it and am unfortunately drunk after just one or two glasses

OP posts:
SeoraeMaeul · 30/10/2011 22:51

Ok nothing anyone has said so far is getting through to you, so maybe try a different way.
Stay but you change. Be more independent, dont fawn, organize what you need to and what stops your life from being difficult but leave the rest. Break the habit of comparing your self to some girl 20 years ago - every time you worry about it, go for a run, ping your wrist with elastic or whatever. Sort your drinking out, basically do everything to get yourself back in order.
One of 3 things will happen

  1. He will try to sabotage what you are doing - and you'll know he isn't actually a good man
  2. He will realize what he is losing and you'll get 'the dream' you want
  3. You'll realize how much more YOU are worth and be prepare to leave and start the next stage of your life.

Personally I hope no. 3 is what happens but any way you are taking back your life.

ripitupandstartagain · 30/10/2011 22:51

Well, I hope you find the strength you need to make the changes - you are not doing yourself any favours by settling for that mediocrity.

foolonthehill · 30/10/2011 22:51

Change is not easy, but it is not bad, do one thing at a time and reclaim your life...you're 36!!!!!!!!!!!!! Too young to just put up with stuff because it's easier...anyway it's not easier.

ItsMeAndMyPumpkinNow · 30/10/2011 22:52

Glad to see your desire for change.

Be warned that your husband has an incentive to prevent any change. Stay strong. Do not let him undermine your efforts. As a person with a likely alcohol and relationship dependency, you will find this tough going. It will be even tougher with you carrying the dead weight of an unfeeling man who keeps you down.

ripitupandstartagain · 30/10/2011 22:53

Excellent - AA was helpful I found - and once sober for a while my opinion of myself and what I was willing to accept got re-calibrated. x

AnyPhantomFucker · 30/10/2011 22:55

and a little whisper in your ear...

36 is not too late to dump this useless twat and find a good relationship, and children, with someone else

I wouldn't attempt the "someone else" bit though for a good while....until you have had counselling to find out why you have settled for such a crap relationship for x number of years

still not too late though...5 years from now you could be with a new man and a couple of sprogs under your belt

on the other hand....you could still be with bell end feeling like shit

how much of a "choice" is that ?

Original poster
Lonelyinrelationship · 30/10/2011 22:56

Rip - thank you. I hope that it will give me confidence to see things differently rather than desperately grasp onto the few positive reinforcements I'm given. Thank you all for taking the time to comment x

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 30/10/2011 22:56

I'd be drinking if I was living with him. That's why I wouldn't live with him - it's a really unhealthy relationship.

bellsring · 30/10/2011 22:57

OP, are you dealing with a man who is 'indifferent' to you? That is soul-destroying.

Look after yourself and think whether this is really going to be enough for you.

Original poster
Lonelyinrelationship · 30/10/2011 22:58

Thanks any - I can only dream that would be true but you are definitely right - I would need to seriously reassess what a relationship should look like before even considering entering into a new one....

OP posts:
Scoundrel · 30/10/2011 23:01

A common thing I've heard in AA (I am a member) is that the old 'you'd drink too if you had my life' is rubbish as it's often the drinking that keeps you in the situation or creates the unhappiness instead of the other way around. With a sober head you can make better decisions and I don't just mean whilst you're drinking but at all times in your life.

Best of luck.

AnyPhantomFucker · 30/10/2011 23:01

dream away

but while you stay in this unsatisfactory relationship, no decent man would give you a second look

and that, of course, plays right into your shite husband's hands

SkinnedAlive · 30/10/2011 23:03

OP - do you actually love HIIM - or just the idea of what you would like him to be? Not wht in reality he is. I can't see anything worth loving from what you have said. A man that cheated and lied to his ex, that is uncaring and unloving to you.

Now you have time to get out, get yourself sorted and find someone else and start a family. In 5 years time in your early 40's those options are not so easy, particularly with regards to your fertility of you want a few kids!

Original poster
Lonelyinrelationship · 30/10/2011 23:03

Harsh but true. I am relatively happy when I don't drink but more because I bite my lip and put on a facade of happiness. I need to change and then re-evaluate

OP posts:
Original poster
Lonelyinrelationship · 30/10/2011 23:05

He is really a lovely guy. Just a bit lazy around the house and with emotions. I don't think he would ever cheat on me and he is reliable

OP posts:
AnyPhantomFucker · 30/10/2011 23:07

I don't know if you need to change, sweetie

I think you need to change your partner, for something/someone else

and I think you need to stop blotting out your misery with wine

but both of those tasks are not insurmountable

one will probably sort the other, tbh

either of those tasks have been done by many women, many times, in the past and also in the future

you are nothing different

AnyPhantomFucker · 30/10/2011 23:08

he is a reliably inadequate partner

there are lots of them around

he is nothing special

slightly crap twats like him are two-a-penny

bellsring · 30/10/2011 23:09

If he's a really lovely guy - why does he continually walk out the room when you say something he doesn't want to hear. He doesn't sound very caring.

garlicBreathZombie · 30/10/2011 23:13

Hello, sweetie.

You're co-dependent. You're hooked on the mission to change somebody else into somebody he isn't. It's the only logical explanation for your statements that you don't "want to" terminate a situation that actively makes you unhappy.

You've said over and again that you just want him to ... be someone he's not. Well, that's going to get you nowhere fast. (It already has: welcome to nowhere!)

I just want the British climate to be sub-tropical, but I haven't invested twenty years of my life in futile efforts to move the latitude of the British Isles Grin

I'm not knocking you; I've been a co-dependent and an alcoholic. You may have notice how often the two go hand-in-hand. Out of interest, how many of your birth family also have a slight problem with booze or drugs?

Great news that you're getting something out of the AA experience :) I recommend you find some CODA meetings as well, and start working your steps.

Here are some good books:
"Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie
"Codependent's Guide to the Twelve Steps: How to Find the Right Programme for You", also by Melody Beattie
"Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood
They all have a 'Look Inside' on Amazon :)

AnyPhantomFucker · 30/10/2011 23:13

OP has to convince herself he is lovely really, else why is she there ?

think on, OP

not one of us thinks your husband is "lovely"

I bet there's loads you are not telling us, too

SkinnedAlive · 30/10/2011 23:14

Just my own opinion, but really lovely guys don't cheat on a women they love once, never mind twice. I think the ex had a lucky escape.

My washing machine is reliable. I don't particularly love it, though it seems to have the same emotional capacity of your OH by the sounds of it!

You have said he is lazy emotionally, round the house and shows you no love or respect. What does he actually do except be there physically? A cat or dog would be there physically and show you more love and respect.

I am not trying to be a bitch, but could you list what actually makes him a nice guy to you? What does he do to put a spring in our step and to make you feel happy and good about yourself? I suspect it may be a struggle :(

noseinbook · 31/10/2011 00:09

I am in my late 50's and have tried everything I could think of to awaken the man I thought I had married. But to no avail. I don't think I have wasted my life, but it could have been so much better.

Basically, I've been flogging a dead horse. I'm divorcing him now, it is not too late for me even now! 36 is deffo not too late.

garlicBreathZombie · 31/10/2011 00:14

My very best promiscuous romantic years were the between-marriages ones, aged 35 to 43.

I'm planning on a third phase in my sixties [hwink]