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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Feel invisible and unloved

123 replies

Lonelyinrelationship · 30/10/2011 21:33

does anyone else feel invisible and unloved in their relationship?

I read threads where the husband wants sex too often and feel jealous. My husband never wants me. I sit there and fawn over him and he almost completely ignores me. I have organised so many romantic treats for him over the 20 years we have been together and cannot remember one he has organised.

I smile at him. I pet him. I organise things for him. I love him. I look after the house and organise everything whilst also having the more demanding job. What do I get from the relationship?? I asked him this earlier, he rolled his eyes, walked out the room and went to bed - refused to talk.

I am so lonely in this relationship.

OP posts:

ItsMeAndMyPumpkinNow · 30/10/2011 22:30

The only advantage of you staying with him is that you will be keeping him away from the rest of us.

...but you will continue to die a little more inside every day.

hellhasnofury · 30/10/2011 22:31

You're 36? You're still you young you know. You've been treated like this for 20 years, are you ready to spend another 50 years like it? Please don't waste your life, there is still plenty of time to have all those things you desire and deserve.

Original poster

Lonelyinrelationship · 30/10/2011 22:31

I'm definitely not any relationship is better than none. I love him. I've given him everything and feel like I'm going mad. I just wish he'd speak to me as opposed accusing me of ruining yet another weekend but why not just speak to me for once, get it over with and move on either way. Why constantly walk away and refuse to discuss the underlying issues?

OP posts:

ItsMeAndMyPumpkinNow · 30/10/2011 22:33

Why constantly walk away and refuse to discuss the underlying issues?

Because he doesn't care.

Xmasbaby11 · 30/10/2011 22:34

What is it about him / your relationship with him that you love? I'm trying to see what is making you stay.

ItsMeAndMyPumpkinNow · 30/10/2011 22:34

You feel like you are going mad because you are giving your love to a cold, unloving stone, and wondering why it's not responding to you. It's not because it can't.

ripitupandstartagain · 30/10/2011 22:34

Sorry OP, but sounds like you need to stop drinking then. Are you drinking because you are unhappy or is the drinking enabling/causing you to stay in a crap situation and be a victim? This is not a criticism, it is a genuine question. Why do you feel so stuck?
I guess you either need to accept this relationship as it is and not expect any intimacy from it, or change your behaviour.

Original poster

Lonelyinrelationship · 30/10/2011 22:35

Any- you are a legend. I wish I could be as black/ White as you are. I know I'm absurdly weak but can't help that. Is not feeling loved enough of a reason to end a 20 year relationship? Surely there are worse crimes than that or is that sufficient reason to venture out alone?

OP posts:

foolonthehill · 30/10/2011 22:35

OP you were young when you met him, you have done your best, you can't imagine being without him............
........but without him you could meet someone lovely, you are only 36...in a few years time will you look at your life and think it was worth it when nothing changes and you are still lonely, still drinking ( or doing other self-harming things) and he is just as indifferent?

Use your imagination, picture yourself with something better, someone better. Even being alone and free might be better...? Your life, your choice but if you need people to hold your hand there are plenty here will walk the path with you whilst you choose...

bellsring · 30/10/2011 22:35

That would be too easy - to just talk to you normally.

Xmasbaby11 · 30/10/2011 22:37

He's not making you happy and he doesn't care.

Is there anything worse than that?

ItsMeAndMyPumpkinNow · 30/10/2011 22:37

Is not feeling loved enough of a reason to end a 20 year relationship?

Are you happy, OP?
Is your love reciprocated?

TiredOfGoingRoundInCircles · 30/10/2011 22:38

Isn't it more than 'not feeling loved enough' ? It sounds to me as though you feel you are not loved at all.

Original poster

Lonelyinrelationship · 30/10/2011 22:38

I think I drink because it's escapism. I don't drink an enormous amount in the grand scheme of things but once I start drinking I won't stop until I finish what's in the house (sounds worse than it is as I never buy more than one bottle). I'm just conscious that it is becoming a problem and needs to stop. That's the irony - I'm happy (enough) with things in my life until I drink then I start having issues (like tonight)

OP posts:

hellhasnofury · 30/10/2011 22:39

Is being miserable enough of a reason to stay?

foolonthehill · 30/10/2011 22:39

It's not just lack of love, he's not even polite to you.
People stay together for all sorts of reasons and get all sorts of things from one-another...not always love....but I can't see why you want to carry on loving a stone...if you read your post as if it were from someone else what would you think?
What is the glue that keeps you there?

TimeForMeIsFree · 30/10/2011 22:40

OP you don't need this man to love you, you need to love yourself, you need to have respect for yourself and call time on this 'relationship'. You will never get anywhere with this man, you will continue to go round and round in circles with the same thoughts, attempting the same conversations with him. He is not going to give you what you want, he is happy with things just as they are, he gets all of his needs met and he walks away from you when it gets uncomfortable leaving you with the pain.

I think you could use some counselling, not for the relationship but for yourself. And I mean that kindly.

AnyPhantomFucker · 30/10/2011 22:41

There is nothing legendary here

and this is black and white

this your life

there is nothing more black and white than that

the only "greys" are your futile hope that you haven't thrown away 20 years of your life

and what gives you that grey, grey "hope" ?...fuck all, I would say

you haven't thrown it away, if you decide that 20 years plus one day is too much

foolonthehill · 30/10/2011 22:41

The alcohol just unlocks your feelings...disinhibition...you can let out what is inside but buried. Favourite songs/music can do it too..................so that's why you are posting now...
but what to do in the morning....stiff upper lip again?

ripitupandstartagain · 30/10/2011 22:43

Well ,there's only one way to find out and that's to stop drinking and one of two things will happen.
a) You will get happier and your relationship will improve.
b) Your situation will become unbearable without the escape hatch that alcohol supplies and you will have to act.

Either way = good

bellsring · 30/10/2011 22:44

OP, I think you are in danger of just pouring your feelings down a bottomless pit with him. Does he just say a few choice words, not supported by actions, to keep you dangling/to keep you hanging on in there.

AnyPhantomFucker · 30/10/2011 22:45

this is a drink-fuelled moanfest then ?

tomorrow, all will be well again ?

Original poster

Lonelyinrelationship · 30/10/2011 22:46

Thank you all. You're right. The grey area is my insecurity and wish for things to be easy. Tomorrow wont bring stiff upper lip - time for change. He can wash his own b....socks for once and I will decide what to do. It's so difficult when someone knows you better than you know yourself. They seem better able to predict your next move than you can preventing you from making that move. I will definitely be alcohol free as of tomorrow (famous last words)

OP posts:

SolidGoldVampireBat · 30/10/2011 22:46

He doesn't love you and never will. He considers you a convenience. He likes having his washing done, his meals cooked, and a willing orifice to have sex on when he can be bothered - oh, and the unconditional ego-stroking he gets from knowing that you Love Him So Much and he doesn't have to do anything about it. There is nothing you can do that will change his mind. He's getting what he wants from life and the 'relationship.'

ripitupandstartagain · 30/10/2011 22:47

If it is too hard to stop try AA?

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