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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Feel invisible and unloved

123 replies

Lonelyinrelationship · 30/10/2011 21:33

does anyone else feel invisible and unloved in their relationship?

I read threads where the husband wants sex too often and feel jealous. My husband never wants me. I sit there and fawn over him and he almost completely ignores me. I have organised so many romantic treats for him over the 20 years we have been together and cannot remember one he has organised.

I smile at him. I pet him. I organise things for him. I love him. I look after the house and organise everything whilst also having the more demanding job. What do I get from the relationship?? I asked him this earlier, he rolled his eyes, walked out the room and went to bed - refused to talk.

I am so lonely in this relationship.

OP posts:

babyhammock · 31/10/2011 00:22

Get fit, get healthy, get in to a new tip top full of energy you and leave him.

He says just enough stuff to keep you on a string so that you think there is a bit of hope,... but there are no actions to go with it...

36... you puppy! You still have time for all the stuff you want, you won't get it from your H

SolidGoldVampireBat · 31/10/2011 00:28

From his point of view, it's quite nice to have a devoted serving appliance. If it whines now and again, you can either ignore it till it settles down, or give it a swift kick to reboot the programme.

veryconfusedatthemoment · 31/10/2011 00:32

hi lonely - this was me for many years. It is so lonely in a crap relationship where the other half will not give any real emotional comeback. I ended up just yelling at my other half to simply get a response. Earlier this year I found out he had started an affair - anything rather than deal with an emotional issue like a marriage. I couldn't get him out of the house fast enough - yes I am upset about it and very cross about the affair. But I am happier on my own and am looking forward to 2012!

EvilLittleLeprechaun · 31/10/2011 00:55

Is your husband significantly older than you, OP?

I am very sorry that you feel so unfulfilled in this relationship, and that your husband doesn't care about your feelings.

AnyPhantomFucker · 31/10/2011 09:02

OP, do you still feel the same this morning, or was last night just a slight malfunction in the serving appliance bad dream ?

Original poster

Lonelyinrelationship · 31/10/2011 09:20

Thank you all. Still feeling the same this morning. He double kissed me goodbye this morning, loaded the dishwasher, put a dishwash on and fed the animals - too little too late. I get more love from the animals and definitely want to stop being clingy and desperate. Plan of action for today 1) sort out rota for household chores 2) get him his own washing basket 3) with immediate effect I will only give him affection if/when he shows me some 4) off to join a gym and get to the hairdressers

It is definitely time for change and he can either change with me or move on. I'm fed up of talking/shouting at myself!

Massive thanks for all your support and sorry about ranting so much

OP posts:

bellsring · 31/10/2011 09:27

Why did you not start a family with your DH? (sorry for being nosey).

AnyPhantomFucker · 31/10/2011 09:30

I am glad to see a little bit of anger in you

I should wish you "good luck" at this point, but I won't, because I think the best thing you could do is to leave this rubbish relationship

A couple of kisses and a load of the dishwasher ?

A plan that sounds fine for co-habiting flatmates, but like the deadest of dead things for a so-called loving relationship ?

I couldn't wish you good luck for that, sorry

noseinbook · 31/10/2011 09:35

Well I do wish you luck. You are beginning by focussing on yourself.

Funny - mine thinks the housework consists of loading and unloading the dishwasher. He's been doing his own washing for the last 7 years, prior to that I would leave it folded in a pile for him to put away - and he wouldn't!

bellsring · 31/10/2011 09:44

Good for you, OP. You need to be more detached and be more of your own person. But, I don't think you are going to find what you are looking for in your relationship; you obviously wanted an intimacy and closeness which he is not able to provide.

It may take a while, but you will work out that the odd quick kiss here and there won't sustain you longterm.

Original poster

Lonelyinrelationship · 31/10/2011 09:47

I think we must have fertility issues however we have only ever had sex once a month (ish) throughout our relationship so difficult to know if it's lack of sex or infertility that's resulted in no children. I've always washed, ironed and out his clothes away. Pointless folding them for him to do, they'd never be put away, he can't even put clothes in the washing bin let alone put washed clothes in the correct place...

OP posts:

ItsMeAndMyPumpkinNow · 31/10/2011 09:48

Maybe you won't hear this but I just have to say it: get yourselves on some form of contraception, now. You do not want to bring children into this mix; not the way it is.

bellsring · 31/10/2011 09:51

OP, HE CHOOSES not to be able to put his clothes away - because he has you. That's the way it works.

izzywhizzysfritenite · 31/10/2011 09:57

Sex once a month? Bloody hell, you'd get more action in a nunnery. Does he schedule it on the calendar [hwink]

It is definitely time for change and he can either change with me or move on Start as you mean to go on - and keep it up until he starts keeping up with you or falls by the wayside.

Original poster

Lonelyinrelationship · 31/10/2011 10:05

Thanks pumpkin but reasonably unlikely - once a month was when things were better. Now it's pretty much never because I can't be bothered to initiate it and he never would. From now on I choose not to wash his clothes or put them away. If they're left out that's his issue

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/10/2011 10:48

"I've always washed, ironed and out his clothes away"

Why?. Is he not capable of doing any of that?.
The above makes you also sound like his mother.

What are his parents like btw?. What sort of relationship do they have?.

You met him when very young as well, you had no life experience behind you and I think you were easy meat for such a person to get his claws into and he has done so at great cost to you.

Do not blot out your unrelenting misery with wine; you need to ditch both the wine and this bloke because he is more than happy to drag you down with him.

What do you get out of this relationship now, what compels you to stay within such a loveless marriage?. I am only glad to read that there are no children involved; please do not bring any child into this dysfunction.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/10/2011 10:50

I would agree with an assessment made by a previous poster that you are codepedent and that state for you is really unhealthy.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

Snapespeare · 31/10/2011 11:08

good that you are going to the gym and the hairdressers. the point further up thread that needs to be picked up is that you love him, he doesn't seem love you, or does not show affection based around his feelings towards you, but you don't love yourself OP...a lot of that might be wound up in feeling like a doormat, feeling inadequate of his love (you aren't!)

as regards your plan of action... the chores do need to be divided, but your main focus seems to be the co-existance and withdrawal of your affection in the form of seperate washing baskets and only giving affection when he shows affection to you. I think you will find this very difficult, because you seem to come across as a naturally affcetionate person. start by taking that affection that you really want to give and give it to yourself. more gym! more hairdresser! knock the booze on the head ( i know I drink too much too...) because that will add to your low mood. I find the princessing thread really helpful. Not from a pink, frothy perspective, but the easy steps that you can take to treat yourself well - vitamins, eating well, exercise, body brushing, teeth, skin etc. Look after yourself primarily, make yourself #1 instead of indulging a man who is incapable or inconsdierate in showing you the affcetion and love that you deserve.

FiniteIncantatem · 31/10/2011 11:27

It seems to me that this would be a good thing for you to read right now, OP. You deserve so much better than this man

SirSugar · 31/10/2011 12:47

Listen up love, My H suddenly got a bit sick. After a week of getting worse and worse he asked me very early one morning to get him a taxi to the hospital. As he went out the door he joked ' well then, this could be it!'. 12 days later he was dead, never did come home.

LIFE IS SHORT; don't wash socks and drink to numb the pain and think about it a bit longer, you fucking hate the way things are, pull yourself up by your bootstraps and go out there and find something to celebrate..

And BTW, H couldn't have given a fuck about me; having a ball now x

babyhammock · 31/10/2011 13:23

Yup he's doing just enough to do what he thinks will 'keep you sweet'..pathetic!

From now on, its ME ME ME as far as your concerned. he can cook, clean, and wash for himself for a change while you start indulging in YOU...

THEN LEAVE X

bellsring · 31/10/2011 13:50

OP, I was in a situation like yours. One-sided. It's all very well for other people to objectively say you love him, he doesn't love you, why would you love someone who is cold and indifferent to you. It's hard to see the wood for the trees when you're in the thick of it, though.

It's a bitter pill to swallow - the person you married doesn't give a f... about you and all you wanted was for your love/affection to be reciprocated.

The situation probably suits him. He has the power.

bellsring · 31/10/2011 13:59

And, OP, you feel invisible because that's the kind of relationship it is with him. As long as you 'function' efficiently, and you do not require anything of a personal nature, that will be fine. (FOR HIM)

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