please help me, got a big shock today

[XXXXXXXX]

my dh told me today that 2 years ago he had a (non penetrative) sexual encounter with my brother, someone talk to me

will look online and see - will is cost a lot? an skint

have cheked yell.com and there is one place called an 'advocacy service' is that suitable do you thnk?

xxxxxx, the fact your dh has had an encounter with another man is not really the problem. I would say it's the fact it was with your brother - if it was someone you didn't know from Adam, then it wouldn't be so bad. The other problem is why he didn't tell you at the time - but the fact you were pregnant may have had a lot to do with that. Why did he tell you now?

How you handle things from hereonin is very important. You need to sit with him and ask lots of questions to satisfy your curiosity - you know what they will be. He must allow you to do this and expect that you want to know all the facts. Tell him if you are to move on from this, he needs to be dead honest with you.

I would also speak to your brother and ask what it meant to him. Is your brother gay or bi? Regardless of whether he is, I personally would choose to put it down to drunken experimenting. This may be no consolation at all, but my dh has had a sexual encounter with another guy, which I didn't know about til after we were married. He also told me about a girl he had been out with briefly before he met me but told me he didn't sleep with her. A couple of months later he confessed he did sleep with her. I was more hurt and upset that he had lied about the girl than the fact he had been with another guy tbh.

I sincerely hope you can move on from this with your dh and sort things out between you. Don't do anything hasty which you may regret.

it wasnt the fac that it was with a man even - it is the fact that it was my brother which made it worse and i am upset about him keeping secret for so long. He told me because I asked him what the problem between him and my brother was and told him i would leave if he wasnt honest. You see, they have been having regular, violent fights and i didnt know why.

thatl explain why theyve been fighting then. perhaps that could be a good sign?or is that me being weird?i mean he obviously has been feeling pretty guilty and bad about it for ages especially if its caused violence between the pair of them. i know its hurting really bad, i could never understand how much of course, but ive done sum unforgiveable things when pisd.i think if you love him you should try and get him too stay and talk. not very nice for you left holding the babies while he escapes from the pressure, im presuming he wont be involved in telling the kids why hes leaving and thatl be left to you.good luck.xxx

On the subject of forgiving but not forgetting, he cannot expect you toforget about it and you can't either. It will always be there, it has happened, it is whether you can learn to live with him warts and all and whether both he and your DB can stop punishing themselves and each other for it.

It is more a mquestion of, this happened, it was stupid and the fallout was shitty but we've talked about it, drawn a line under it and it the future thats important.

Course ver easy to say and write in black and white but it might be harder to schieve.

just a quick update for all those who kindly helped me. There has been a lot of talking and openess between DH, DB and me and we are giving things a go. There is too much at stake to give up and too much that is good in our relationship. We are taking things slowly but I have hope for a good future.

thanks again to all those who helped me to see things a little more clearly.

just given away my real posting name - shit! Oh well now you all know.

good luck girl, i hope it all works for you and you dh x