please help me, got a big shock today

[XXXXXXXX]

my dh told me today that 2 years ago he had a (non penetrative) sexual encounter with my brother, someone talk to me

XXXXXXX, sorry this has happened. I hope you can both talk about it today. Really hope you can get through it - this doesn't have to mean the end of your marriage.

(and fwiw, I think that katiemelua has been here before...)

Message withdrawn

xxxxxx my thoughts are with you, this is a cr*p thing to happen.
take some comfort he did tell you of his infidelity.
i think we all get the idea of what happened and dont let the uneccessary prying upset you more, only tell what you feel comfortable with.
perhaps "we" can back off and support a little more - xxxxxx's dh has done what the majority of our dh's has done regardless of which gender he chose to do it with. broken her heart and confused the sht out of her because he fcked up. so has her db.

hope you get to talk to your dh today and feel more at peace with things.

Agree that you have told enough here - and agree that Katiemelua...is not a stranger here...

agreed tigermoth, no stranger! not quite right vibes? so km please stop pushing issue when xxxxxx is obviously trying to ignore. you may be real ? and you may be trying to be helpful, but this helpful "wanting to know all the little details" isn't assisting xxxxxx.

I recognise those .... punctuation marks?

Getting flowery in here isn't it?

But to the point of the thread, I hope you can put this incident in perspective in relation to the state of you marriage and find an outcome you are happy with

aah.... here to butt horns huh? hi sweet! merry christmas suzy!

what on earth are you on about gravity?

a joke at the beginning, you offered me some advice before christmas i didnt agree with... we had "words". now i was just wishing you merry christmas.

I don't remember having words

"Words" I would have remembered

Shall we move along?

whatever suzy

xxxxxx are you ok?

yes I'm fine thanks; I was offering you a hypothesis not an absolute.

Anyway back to the thread in question. sorry for the hijack

X, I'm really sorry to hear this. I think it would probably do you good to talk it over with a counsellor. If your dh thinks that by telling you this he can stop feeling bad about it or that it will put it to rest, he's probably mistaken. Talking it over with a neutral party who is qualified to give relationship advice and support may be the best way forward for both of you.
Can I ask what bothers you most, the fact that your dh had any sort of adulterous encounter, the fact that it was with a man or the fact that it was with a family member? If you can understand that, perhaps that may be a place to start moving forward from.
Do you intend to tell your brother that you know what happened?

am back, dont think we can work things out because i can forgive him but cannot forget. it is bad enough that he cheated but with my bother?! He has just gone out to write me a letter because he has things to say which he says he cant tell me directly. i asked him who initiated the touching and sayts he cant remember - dont believe him

i am more upset for the kids than anything, ds1 is 2 and knows something is going on, when he sees someone crying on telly bhe says 'mummy'

please someone talk to me

poor u. I wish I could say something constructive but I am at a loss! Its good that he has gone to write a letter because hopefully he will be able to explain things better to you and be completely honest. Feel really bad for you. Hold on tight. I know you are really hurting but maybe its not quite as bad as it first appears. He obviously feels rotten and cross with himself. Keep us posted.

TBH, I think it would be a good idea to talk to both your brother and your H about what happened,
and allow yourself some time to think it through before writing your marriage off completely. I understand your knee-jerk reaction to this revelation but you only found out yesterday, please give it time. xx

he has said that he wants us to split up because he cannot live with this. he also wants to move away ansd never see our kids - trying to punish himself. What good will that do.

he is going to stay at his brothers holiday home for a while to let us both think.

Oh god, what a horrible situation for you. For all of you in Xxxx's family.

But I have to wonder, did he 'cheat', did he actually commit adultery? Or did he get carried away in a mindless grope? I'm not saying that you should ignore it, but that maybe it's more like "OMG, I shoplifted, I don't know what came over me, I feel awful!" rather than "Well, I've been shoplifting for the last year or so. I'm so sorry."

Have you really been betrayed? Or has he done something disgusting and shameful, but which will never happen again, and for which he and your db have been hurting over and suffering 'punishment' for already?

I do hope I don't hurt you more by this post. I truly don't mean to belittle your distress at all, but I'm concerned that this will escalate too far, and things will get worse.

Don't go away from each other. Things won't blow over - you must talk to each other, and listen to each other too.

That's awful, blocking contact with the children will not help anyone. I would suggest counsellingm either separately as a couple, or both. Sometimes just talking it through with a stranger can help you work through things and truly decide what your best option is, as an individual, a parent, and part of a marriage

you are right i guess. it was just a very much regretted mindless, drunken grope but i just dont see how i will ever stop thinking about it.

not sure counselling is an option - live far away from anywhere that would have one.

I'd be amazed if you couldn't find a relationship counsellor in your area.