please help me, got a big shock today

[XXXXXXXX]

my dh told me today that 2 years ago he had a (non penetrative) sexual encounter with my brother, someone talk to me

sorry didn't mean to be funny, but if you were 100% straight and loved your wife, you wouldn't do this, so to say this is children playing is a bit insulting as it implies it is normal. If my dh ever did this I think we would be finished.

posts crossed

Oh sorry, posted at the same time.

this 'thing' has really messed both of them up. i can understand some strange behaviour now. I just dont know how we can get through this. am scared of being alone

Personally I don't see it as simple as that KatieMelua.

What I am saying is kids do sometimes compare willy sizes and experiement with bodies/sexuality without it meaning anything and knowing what blokes can be like when they have had far too many, nevermind a few, I can see how the situation happened (with blokes that work together, socialise together and are family).

Not saying it is right or dismissing XXXXXXX's feelings.

he has left things completely up to me. feel like i need space but dont want to be here, dont want to leave kids and have nowhere to go

i can see where you are cominf from westcountrylass. i think that is basically how it was - they act like children in other ways too.

okay

Katie - if only things in life were really that black and white!

Xxxxxx - it sounds to me like something that got out of hand and that they have really struggled themselves to come to terms with.

I don't think this excuses their behaviour, but rather understands the context in which it might have happened.

I think I would try and talk it out with them both - I think for your own satisfaction you need to understand exactly what happened and why, and I think they owe you this explanation.

Perhaps somewhere like relate would be a neutral kind of place to explore this situation further with DH.

can you say exactly what they did?

Personally would not want to see an otherwise happy marriage over because of this, especially considering the children. I always used to say if my DH filandered it would be over but things never so simple once the kiddies have arrived.

Also think it wise to try and talk with everyone before you make decisions regarding your marriage as even if you did decide you could not stay with your DH because of it you would still more than likely have to have some kind of relationship with your brother so it would never 'go away'.

(((hugs)))

thank you all for your support. i guess i will just take some time to think about things and we will all have to talk about it. i dont want my marriage to be over and hope we can get through it. i am just scared that it wil always be there

fwiw, i would not feel any worse if dh did this with a male than a female, so if you can I'd take that out of the equation in terms of it not being any worse than if it was with your sister (not saying that this is good, just not worse).

i agree that it doesn't need to be the end of the relationship unless you want it to be. how much of this is about how you feel about it, and how much about how you feel others feel i.e. stigma?

Hang on in there m'dear, "what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger" (((hugs)))

do you mind me asking again what they actually did? did they kiss, grope or what

thank you

no kissing just touching.

katiemelua....either you are a troll baby or you are incredibly insensitive....

sorry but touching etc could mean anything...not that insensitive am I

I think most of us have managed to get the picture!