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Original poster

Does anyone plain just not fancy their DH? At all.

127 replies

StrugglingSlightly · 23/10/2011 11:59

Been with DH 9 years and married for 7. Before we got married i was worried about our drastically tapering sex life but when i tried to discuss it with friends they dismissed it as 'it's what happens in long term relationships'. So swallowing my misgivings i got married to a kind, sweet and gentle man. Who has also become increasingly wealthy. My life is pretty fantastic on the surface but i just cannot have sex with him, it turns my stomach. He's not at all unattractive but i just find him so, school boy and inept that i resent it hugely.

I had been pretty experimental before him and find my role as the leader just so unsexy. It is the root of all our relationship problems. He also hates driving and i am the leader in just about every aspect of our lives. It hadn't been this way in my previous relationships.

We do have children, but i am the most fertile woman alive. The last time we had sex (very drunk no foreplay whatsoever) i conceived DC3 and i (so horribly) told him to go to a hooker and just get to know the basic biology.

Is this worth losing a marriage over as i am desperate for a physical connection with someone. Is there anyone else in a similar situation that is happy??

OP posts:
Wamster · 23/10/2011 12:05

How are you the leader in all aspects of your life if he is the one who has become increasingly wealthy? So his efforts to give you all material wealth is down to you?
You do seem to be putting him down a lot. You also do not sound that nice a person. I feel sorry for him.
Get away from him if he repulses you that much but be honest and acknowledge that his wealth is probably down to his efforts, not yours and earn your own cash.

Original poster
StrugglingSlightly · 23/10/2011 12:05

Oh and there is someone who i fancy massively, who i have never had anything happen with in the 4 years i've known him but god, i just want to jump his bones. I saw him yesterday and thought i had a neon light over my head, saying "i am an utter, utter slut. Please insist on fucking me immediately'.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 23/10/2011 12:09

Forget the other bloke for now and think about your marriage.

Are you saying your husband wants you to play a dominant role sexually?

Original poster
StrugglingSlightly · 23/10/2011 12:09

His money is utterly down to him, he is very bright and good at his field of work. It's everything else. I yearn for him to say 'let's do this/ go there', ' i met someone interesting, let's have them over'.

I don't sound nice from these posts, that is quite obvious but this is because i'm admitting my most selfish thoughts. We are not all as good or as bad as one or two posts suggest.

OP posts:
glasscompletelybroken · 23/10/2011 12:09

So you fancy someone else and feel the need to justify your apparent impending affair by listing the things about your DH that turn you off that are all, of course, his fault.

Grow up.

Original poster
StrugglingSlightly · 23/10/2011 12:10

I play the dominant role sexually and socially. It's just got so much worse as time has gone on. If i didn't do anything, we just wouldn't do anything - if you get what i mean?

OP posts:
Original poster
StrugglingSlightly · 23/10/2011 12:11

To begin with it was kind of fun, but now i feel very lonely and not like i have a man as a partner. The other man is a red herring, just that he makes me realise that i am still very capable of lust.

OP posts:
Wamster · 23/10/2011 12:14

Well divorce him and go have sex with somebody else, then. I am assuming that your life will be materially poorer- I could be wrong, perhaps you're as rich as he is- if so, well, that's life.

You come over as highly arrogant in your opening post- you as the leader all the time! What nonsense. You're not the leader if the family wealth is down to your dh. You would be if you earned all the cash yourself.
You are arrogant, disparaging of your dh- what a terrible thing to say to him about the hooker and a bit deluded as to how the money came about.

Original poster
StrugglingSlightly · 23/10/2011 12:15

glasscompletelybroken No, i haven't had an affair in the 4 years i've known the other guy despite fancying him. It's about what is missing from our marriage. I tried to leave once but my DH chased me back and convinced me on behalf of the DC's to give it another try. TBH it was the most assertive i've seen him and it gave me hope but it fizzled out as soon as we moved back in. DH is also a very loving father.

OP posts:
Wamster · 23/10/2011 12:15

Christ on a bike. With a dw like you, I'm amazed the poor sod can even get out of bed in the morning. My confidence would be on the floor.

Do him a favour and go and divorce him, for goodness sake.

madonnawhore · 23/10/2011 12:16

I think you've been very honest here, which is fair enough. I think you need to figure out whether you could salvage your relationship if your DH made more of an effort to be a partner and not a passenger. Or even if he did, your feelings are too far gone to ever get them back.

I do think you owe it to him to be very honest with yourself about that though. He sounds like a nice guy. And all this justification does make it sound like you are vulnerable to having an affair, which is never on, no matter how much you don't fancy your partner.

Dinosaurhunter · 23/10/2011 12:17

Op I think your being very honest and you sound like some of myfriends , so don't feel your alone as it's very common to be attracted to other people . Have you got any friends you can talk to in rl about this ?

aleene · 23/10/2011 12:18

SS have you tried talking to your husband? Can you have a converstation where you tell him you need him to be more assertive, make more decision etc. If you want to save your marriage you are going to need to tackle these issues. Does he realise you are unhappy? Is he happy?

squeakyfreakytoy · 23/10/2011 12:19

Was he a virgin or very inexperienced when you met him?

You need to talk to him, gently, about how he has to lay the law down a bit and not be so submissive to you.

How is he with the kids and at work? does he take charge, give orders, make decisions?

You might also find that you dont like it very much if he does decide to be more assertive though.

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 23/10/2011 12:20

You sound vile tbh.

MardyArsedMidlander · 23/10/2011 12:24

You might also find that if you left the poor bastard, he might find a woman who does actually fancy him and doesn't tell him to go to a prostitute to learn how to fuck.

Jesus, if my partner had said that to me- I think I woud be celibate for the rest of my life!
You complain about always being the 'leader' but you also have a husband with money who lets you do whatever you want. It reminds me of that book 'He's Just Not that Into You'- lets face it, even he turned into Heathcliff and ripped your blouse off whilst telling you to clean the kitchen floor you still wouldn't fancy him.
It's not his fault. It's not really your fault either- except you married him knowing you felt like this.

AnnieLobeseder · 23/10/2011 12:25

Well, this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. As you say, you don't sound very nice, but this is probably due to you telling us about a side of yourself even you admit isn't very nice.

I would say you have 3 options:

  1. get some sex therapy. I believe such a thing does exist. If not, you still need to talk about your sex life. You need to be more clear and tell your DH exactly what you want and need in bed. Men are not mind-readers and need to be taught. Also, make it a 2-way street so it's not all "you're crap in bed and here's what I want you to do to me instead". Point out that your sex life isn't as good as it once was, and take in turns to tell each other what you enjoy and what you'd like more/less of.

  2. accept that you're more friends than lovers, and either a) keep going as you are or b) split up and find a new romance.

HTH

madonnawhore · 23/10/2011 12:25

Although it's your right, I think it's very unfair to call the OP vile. This is an anonymous forum and it's appropriate that people can come on here and talk about their deepest, darkest thoughts. It sounds like the OP puts a lot of effort into her marriage actually, but she's unhappy and becoming resentful, so she's venting here.

I don't think it's massively helpful to slag someone off when they're just being honest about how they feel. Obviously it's not great that OP feels this way at all, and this needs sorting one way or the other before she starts being horrible to her DH or having an affair.

OP, if you don't fancy you DH any more, please try to still respect him as a person and treat him fairly. Don't have an affair or be awful to him. Try to sort it out together, or leave.

BatCave · 23/10/2011 12:26

I think I sort of empathise with what you're saying, and I understand with what you mean about being the 'leader' I think that doesn't necessarily see yourself as 'provider' the two are not the same. I think some of the other comments are a little unkind imo.

I think you need to strip it back to the bare bones. You say your sex life was 'tapering' early on, which meant that it started off fairly satisfying? And does he enjoy your sex life, is he satisfied? I'm assuming you want to find your husband attractive?

Forget the other man. He is like you say, a red herring. A big flashing sign to your conscious telling you that you need to take action.

Try giving yourself an order that you are not allowed to have sex with your husband, give yourself a time frame. Then try 'dates' - take some time to have a meal, go out, flirt, but don't allow it to go anywhere. Take it slowly and maybe the feelings of attraction will come. The mind and body often long for those things that they are not allowed.

And another suggestion, as shocking as it sounds have you tried talking to him about it? If he is as kind and understanding as you say maybe he will listen? It may hurt him, but no way near as much as a ruined marriage or an affair. Tell him how you feel, without blaming him.

AnnieLobeseder · 23/10/2011 12:27

PS - I'm sure you realise it wasn't very constructive to tell him to go to a prostitute to learn how to make love. You need to teach him how to make love to you. Everyone's preferences are different. No-one is born an amazing lover, it's something we learn with experience and communication.

elesbells · 23/10/2011 12:29

perhaps he has no confidence? Do you treat him like he's weak? even if you think you don't, i'm sure he picks up the vibe....

Imo, you should start with making him feel like a man instead of grouching about him. He's provided for you, he's a good kind,gentle man. The spark is just missing....so work on getting that spark back.

With regards to the other man....be careful what you wish for....

madonnawhore · 23/10/2011 12:30

I think BatCave and Annie have hit on something here. You can't blame him for how you feel because you married him already knowing you felt like this. So he was none the wiser and you have kind of been the architect of this situation.

I think that's why you're getting flack here. Because you knew you 'weren't that into him' but you married him anyway and now you're making out like it's all his fault.

headnotheart · 23/10/2011 12:30

struggling I know what you mean, I think - you are wanting a partner, not a passive person who will follow along if you organise something, but never initiates anything himself. So do I. When I've said, over the years, that I'd like us to go out more, he's always said - well, you organise it then. However, at least yours is a good provider.

Wamster · 23/10/2011 12:31

As for the prostitute dig you said to him, that is so ironic. You are having sex with a man you don't really fancy who provides income. Think about it.

Original poster
StrugglingSlightly · 23/10/2011 12:35

We had counselling a few years ago as i wanted to leave but he was adamant that i should stay, not least that me unhappy was one person out of 4 but if i broke up the family we would all be unhappy. We discussed most of the problem areas but not the sex as i had told him that before how awful it was privately but didn't want to humiliate him about it in front of the counsellor.

I am well aware of what it does to his confidence.

OP posts: